Reply to What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The money part didn't bother me as much as her bragging about how her kids would be a-holes the new wife because they're even a-holes to the nanny. Not sure she'd find that quite so braggable if they were treating her love interest and possible future spouse like dirt. She seems to think that's admirable for some reason.[/quote]

If you read my follow up post you would know that my ex inappropriately introduced a gf to my children when they first started dating, and they did not like it.  Not one bit.  All this love them as your own and you get to parent them, too, stuff will not fly with tweens and teens who are tightly bonded with their mother.  Here, OP's dad walked out on the family while the mom was still trying.  The kids will have picked up on that even if the mom never said a thing to them (as I haven't).  I think 6 months is too soon to introduce someone.  I also made clear I hold myself and whomever I may date to the same standards.  I will not be asking anyone to move in or get married until the kids leave for college.  Their dad is their dad, and NO ONE is going to replace him as their father. Anyone I date will have to deal with that (luckily, the guy I am dating now is in the same boat so we understand each other on this).  Sorry, but when you date someone coming out of a 20-25 year marriage, you don't get to pretend that the marriage didn't happen and that there is not an established family unit.  My kids are not bratty; the nanny example I gave was to support the statement that they are not confused in any way about who their mother is and will resent anyone who tries to play mom who isn't me. They absolutely will stick up for me and have no patience for adults who try to mess around with them on this.  My ex-MIL made that mistake and has paid for it with one of my kids ever since.  OP should tread lightly with these kids.  They have been through enough.[/quote]

I think your kids sound rude. Their dad introduced them to someone early, which makes it acceptable for them to be brats to anyone else he introduces? Their bond to you is so tight that it does not allow for them even being nice to anyone else, ever? Step-parents replace biological parents?

In what situations do you believe that it is appropriate for a person to ask for a divorce? Do both people have to agree that it's time, or is it acceptable for one person to be ready to divorce when the other one is "still trying"? How would you personally define "still trying"?[/quote]

I am not going to engage with you in a debate about my children, whom you do not know and whom I have been told frequently are beautifully behaved.  They do not, however, have to accept someone deciding, within a week of dating my husband, that she is their new mother, he will be the new father of her son, and they are stuck with this.  Luckily, my ex broke the relationship off when he realized she was pushing for way too much, too soon (plus he has no interest in being a stepdad to anyone else's kids).  My kids just declined to speak to her after awhile; their comments about finding her creepy were made privately to me.  Of course any future interactions they have with his girlfriends will be colored by this.  How could they not be?  Now they will view anyone with suspicion after that fiasco.

You will have to ask the OP what she meant when she said her BF walked out on the family while the wife was still trying.  Those were her words, not mine.

My agenda here is looking out for my kids and having their lives negatively impacted as little as possible.  Which means anybody new gets zero say in a whole bunch of stuff, like where they go to school and whether they get cars, get to travel, etc. because that is all spelled out in the agreement. You may not like that, but that is the life my kids had pre-split, and it is the life they are leading post-split.  I have always worked and pulled my own financial weight, so this is not some horrible unfair drain on my ex.  What is unfair is that the kids had to go through any of this at all.  Anyone new coming in needs to understand they are walking in to a bunch of history, and I will look out for my kids.  If they are treated well and not put in some kind of crazy situation where they are being asked to make me out to be the bad guy, it will be fine.  But if someone comes in and says my kids can't go to private school because hers don't, we'll be in court.  It is in the agreement.  There is an old expression, "Don't poke a sleeping bear."  I suggest one really should not poke a sleeping Momma bear.  I would lay down my life for those kids, whether you want to think of me as the psycho ex or not.[/quote]

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