Reply to What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]No, you see nothing, PP, except what you want to believe.  It's also clear you do not understand how any of this works very well.  My ex and I have a 50/50 cooperative joint parenting relationship.  We have vacationed with the kids together.  We spend all major holidays together, as well as the kids' sporting events and school events.  We even eat lunch together more weeks than not. You do not know anything about why we divorced. We have put the kids at the center of everything we have done.  He screwed up once.  I hope that's it.  He's still in therapy and one of the things he is working on is how he let that situation get so out of hand. But if not, I know I have options - whatever options the kids want me to pursue.  They are old enough now that the legal test takes into account their views.  I have done nothing but support him and even helped them buy him very expensive birthday presents - whatever they wanted to get him.  I always tell them how much we both love them and that Daddy and I love each other, we just can't be married to each other (which is true.  He would agree that we both love each other.).  There is nothing for the court to see except a mother trying her hardest to do right by her kids.  My whole point in this is that it is easy for someone new to make out that I am the witchy ex, but the truth is far different.  if OP is stepping into a situation anything like mine, where there are major, major financial commitments and baggage, she should be fully aware of them.  I honestly don't see how it would work until the kids are gone away to college.  And I said so.  Her BF has 50/50 custody.  The way the marriage ended is still fresh for that family and the kids are likely to view her with hostility and suspicion.  That's just natural even when there hasn't been a history like my kids have had.  But, by all means, make me out to be the bad one and tell her it will be all sunshine and roses if you like.[/quote]

You are projecting your situation the same way everyone else is. You understand that, right? Not everyone's ex will choose to date a person with incredibly inappropriate boundaries. I think that the reason people are taking you to task is that you sound like a bitter uncompromising person who is summarily rejecting the idea that any step-parent situation can work. You have made your feelings and what is and is not appropriate for your family very clear. You will not marry. You will not have anyone move in. Anyone who doesn't like that should vote with their feet before you show them the door. Anyone who disagrees with your assessment for the OP or for their own family is "making you out to be the bad one."

You say you "don't see how it would work until the kids are gone away to college." Fine. For your situation, you don't see that. For my situation, it works fine. My ex and I are both remarried. We share custody 50/50, live a few blocks apart, are on good terms. I'm not BFFs with his wife, he's not BFFs with my husband, but we all get along well enough that when it's DD's birthday, we collaborate on planning and paying for it and we all attend. My ex's wife recently had a baby, and I am sympathetic to the degree to which their finances may be more constrained by a second child. Your attitude seems to be that no matter what, nothing is going to change for your children. I can see why you would be alarmed by the inappropriate boundaries woman, but by your own statement, that only happened once. Why is it still a motivating factor for a really uncompromising hard line - not just for your life but for your beliefs about anyone else's situation?[/quote]

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