What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced with no kids. He shares custody and seems like a great involved father, but I haven't met his kids bc we both felt it was best to not get involved in their lives unless we could see getting married. We are now at that point, but before I dive in I want to make sure I understand what life would be like if we ultimately got married. Fwiw is kids are early elementary and we would plan on having a kid together. His ex was not thrilled about the divorce but is not a crazy person - they have an ok relationship

Tell me everything I should know to go in eyes wide open

Run as fast as you can. There will be resentment from kids, ex wife and your life will be HELL.

It depends. OP needs to make sure he would put her first if they marry. And how all the logistics would work.

Actually bringing up hypothetical situations and how they both would handle them isn't a bad idea. A friend of mine divorced her husband after 12 years because he wouldn't stop giving their money to his grown leeching kids. There were many red flags in the beginning she ignored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to make sure you and your partner will be parenting the children together while in your custody. His ex parents with her partner and no one bothers the other or interferes.
I have seen where the ex tries to micro-manage the other home or interferes, so you need to see what the dynamics are and be clear you won't tolerate any of that. The children obey the rules of your home while there, and only you and the father make and enforce those.

The ex is just that, a ex that doesn't need to be a part of your lives. Of course there will be sports, and school functions where everyone needs to be cordial but you don't need to sit with ex etc. As for holidays, follow the court order and I would imagine they are split like most or on and off years. You'll have your own celebrations, ex will have hers and life will go on.

As for vacations you can take the kids when it's their time off, and you can also do your own when they are with the mother.

These are all goods things to know before making that commitment, and to make sure you both are on the same page.

It may not go over well if you take the younger kid on a separate (or nicer) vacation without the older kids.

Also, bear in mind that your life will be ruled by their school and activity schedules. It'll be even worse if they don't go to the same schools (like when the older one starts middle school).

I wouldn't assume that the ex won't be a significant part of your lives. If one of the children develops a serious problem of any sort, it will be all hands on deck for as long as it lasts.

That's ok, the older kids might be going on nicer vacations at moms house. They might have nicer rooms over there, on and on that can go. Kids don't get to rule the roost, and no life won't be ruled by their school or activity schedule.

OP there will be time you and dh will need to visit your family, weddings etc. so that may come before his kids and time will need to be adjusted with their visits. It's called life and dh's responsibility as a married man. Again his kids will have their own lives with mom especially at that age.

Hi Stepmom! It was so, so great to see you on here (kidding

I cannot say how much I disagree with this thinking as someone whose parents both remarried and were very, very selfish. Listen, divorce is hard. I get it. Parenting is hard. I get it as a mom. Marriage is hard. I get it as a wife and widow. Money and time are tight and something's got to give. But if you take an approach where the kids will just need to fall in line and deal with the chaos because that's life, well...I'm just sorry for your kids.

I have a very rigid view when it comes to parenting and dating and I don't even have an ex to deal with. Right now, my priority is raising my kids and supporting them through a difficult childhood of their own choosing. And honestly talking to my friends who are all single moms with their heads on right, we all kind of feel the same way.

Do I see myself remarried someday? For me, it's honestly not going to happen. I will never, ever intertwine my life with another person in the same way. Can I see how someone would want to do this and try to make certain their kids handled the transition well. Definitely! I was just in a wedding last summer and it was the nicest thing. But here's the thing -- kids absolutely come first. They were here first and as a parent your main obligation is the health, welfare, and safety of your kids. If I was dating someone who had the mentality that they should come first, they would be sorely disappointment. Step parents need to know their place (which is an extremely frustrating one and one I wouldn't go running toward but to each their own).

Of course kids always want to come first. They want the latest toy, PS game, iphone, etc. Guess what step child (kidding)...they don't always get to come first and that's how it works.
Yes it can be frustrating but kids need to know their place and that's done by the adults who are watching them.

PP here. There is a fundamental difference between what you just wrote and what I am trying to explain. When it comes to the big things, most importantly time and money, kids will trump the step parent. It is a horrifically shitty thing to liquidate a child's college fund to fund a new house for example (ahem, DAD). But I'm not even talking in those extremes. I am talking through time commitments and energy and really money because yes, it's not just toys. Sports are expensive. Tutoring is expensive. Camps. Just keeping them fed and alive. All of that is going to come first.

Now, I am doing this alone, so my perspective is different in the sense that I don't get a visitation weekend or split time, but I really, really find it difficult for anyone to have any expectation that they would not necessarily need to curtail their life and needs in response to the demands of children as a step parent. That's just the deal if you are with someone who values being a parent. You are going to have to swallow your pride and deal with the trade offs of parenting without actually being a parent. It's a difficult selfless thing and for the people who I've seen it work with, they go in wide, wide open. They know the demands in terms of money, time, etc. They are flexible about holidays and vacations. They open their homes to their step children because it's their father's home. It's difficult stuff and from my experience as an adult, I don't have a deep relationship with either of my parents because they married people who wanted to pretend as though the children were just mistakes. My step mother actually had more kids with my father, clearly favors her kids (for example my place to sleep when I visited? A pull out. Her kids? Three single bedrooms. I went there every other weekend and for a month during the summer, which sucked, particularly as a teenage girl).

Anyway, TL DR kids come first. Choose differently at your own peril.

The kids that live in the home would get the bedrooms. You went there every other weekend, so you had a bedroom at your mothers...Was the pull out in a bedroom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced with no kids. He shares custody and seems like a great involved father, but I haven't met his kids bc we both felt it was best to not get involved in their lives unless we could see getting married. We are now at that point, but before I dive in I want to make sure I understand what life would be like if we ultimately got married. Fwiw is kids are early elementary and we would plan on having a kid together. His ex was not thrilled about the divorce but is not a crazy person - they have an ok relationship

Tell me everything I should know to go in eyes wide open

Run as fast as you can. There will be resentment from kids, ex wife and your life will be HELL.

It depends. OP needs to make sure he would put her first if they marry. And how all the logistics would work.

Actually bringing up hypothetical situations and how they both would handle them isn't a bad idea. A friend of mine divorced her husband after 12 years because he wouldn't stop giving their money to his grown leeching kids. There were many red flags in the beginning she ignored.

+1. This is happening to my dad with my 25yo stepbrother right now. Kid will not grow up, and his mother likes it that way. (In her defense, this is normal in her culture).

[Anonymous]

Yeah I get the pull out thing might have sucked but seriously, that was her kids' primary home. Of course they got the bedrooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I get the pull out thing might have sucked but seriously, that was her kids' primary home. Of course they got the bedrooms.

Agreed, she already had a primary home. Sadly i sense she caused a lot of discourse herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I get the pull out thing might have sucked but seriously, that was her kids' primary home. Of course they got the bedrooms.

Agreed, she already had a primary home. Sadly i sense she caused a lot of discourse herself.

I'm a child of divorce. My sister and I slept on a pull out when my dad was single, and then in a guest room when he remarried. I in no way ever expected them to create separate rooms for us given how infrequently we were there. Nor did I begrudge my stepsister, who lived there full time, her room. My own stepchild comes to our house and sleeps in the guestroom that all guests sleep in. It's not that he's a guest, but he's 18, he's not here often enough to take a room from the two children who live here every day. He has never given the slightest inkling that this is problematic for him. He does get his own bathroom when he's here because he uses the guest bath we don't use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

If it's 50/50, they ARE living in the home. Just as much as they're living in their mother's home. Or maybe OP's boyfriend is one of those divorced dads who likes to pretend it's 50/50 but really it isn't.

Good luck forcing angry teenagers onto a custody arrangement that they hate. They will make everyone miserable and enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

I do really have to laugh at how some posters elevate the kids of divorce and the ex wives to demigods. "They and their friends can come in and through your house WHENEVER and you can do NOTHING about it." "You have to do what the ex wife says, so you better be nice, especially because she could keep her kids from your wedding." Come now. The stepparents must do what they can to foster a healthy relationship with the kids, but second wives are not second class citizens in their own homes, nor are they subservient to ex-wives. The kids need to ask can friends come over same as they would if their mom and dad were still married and living in one home. Some of these posts are just nuts. Maybe I should call my husband's ex wife and ask am I allowed to go on family vacation this year or would her highness prefer it just to be DSS and his dad so I should just stay home? I'll defer to her whims, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

I do really have to laugh at how some posters elevate the kids of divorce and the ex wives to demigods. "They and their friends can come in and through your house WHENEVER and you can do NOTHING about it." "You have to do what the ex wife says, so you better be nice, especially because she could keep her kids from your wedding." Come now. The stepparents must do what they can to foster a healthy relationship with the kids, but second wives are not second class citizens in their own homes, nor are they subservient to ex-wives. The kids need to ask can friends come over same as they would if their mom and dad were still married and living in one home. Some of these posts are just nuts. Maybe I should call my husband's ex wife and ask am I allowed to go on family vacation this year or would her highness prefer it just to be DSS and his dad so I should just stay home? I'll defer to her whims, of course.

Let me put it this way: OP is not going to expect her own offspring to call and ask permission every time he enters the house. So she shouldn't impose that requirement on her DH's children either. ALL of his children should be welcome in his home equally. That's what 50/50 means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

See, here's what I don't get. There's this immediate assumption by so many posters that :

1. The wife and kids are bitter and angry about the divorce
2. The kids will hate the new wife
3. The kids and ex wife will make everyone's life hell just cuz

I can assure you that when my parents finally divorced I was RELIEVED. No way did I enjoy living in that house with the constant fighting and simmering resentment and never doing anything as a family. When I had two happy homes, that was so much better. And I loved both my stepparents because they made my parents happy again. I got the best version of my parents back. I loved my stepsiblings too and it was so much fun when they would come to our house to see their dad or when I saw them at my dad's house. I even got a half brother, and my sister and I DOTED on him. I would never have sullenly stomped around making everyone's life miserable. We HAD been miserable.

I will say that this new idea of coparenting that involves exes still vacationing together, doing weekly dinners, and taking family pictures and so on sounds good but can really foster that discontent in kids. When my parents split, I knew it. Done deal, end of story, we all moved on to the new normal. Had my dad still been coming on vacation, or coming 1-2 night a week for dinner or sitting with my mom at soccer games or what have you, it would have been really confusing and I probably would have had a hard time. I think parents think that's the best thing "for the kids" but truthfully, I think it drags things out and makes it hard for kids to make a clean break and adjust to a new life. Be friendly, be cordial, obviously, but don't continue the charade that everyone's a family who does everything together. THAT is what makes the eventual effort of blending families so hard for those kids.

If it's 50/50, they ARE living in the home. Just as much as they're living in their mother's home. Or maybe OP's boyfriend is one of those divorced dads who likes to pretend it's 50/50 but really it isn't.

Good luck forcing angry teenagers onto a custody arrangement that they hate. They will make everyone miserable and enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

I do really have to laugh at how some posters elevate the kids of divorce and the ex wives to demigods. "They and their friends can come in and through your house WHENEVER and you can do NOTHING about it." "You have to do what the ex wife says, so you better be nice, especially because she could keep her kids from your wedding." Come now. The stepparents must do what they can to foster a healthy relationship with the kids, but second wives are not second class citizens in their own homes, nor are they subservient to ex-wives. The kids need to ask can friends come over same as they would if their mom and dad were still married and living in one home. Some of these posts are just nuts. Maybe I should call my husband's ex wife and ask am I allowed to go on family vacation this year or would her highness prefer it just to be DSS and his dad so I should just stay home? I'll defer to her whims, of course.

Let me put it this way: OP is not going to expect her own offspring to call and ask permission every time he enters the house. So she shouldn't impose that requirement on her DH's children either. ALL of his children should be welcome in his home equally. That's what 50/50 means.

OP absolutely 100% never claimed she would impose that upon her stepkids and right now they are 8 and 6, not teenagers. By the time they are teenagers, she will have been around long enough and they would be bonded enough to treat her with the respect they treat their mom and dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

I do really have to laugh at how some posters elevate the kids of divorce and the ex wives to demigods. "They and their friends can come in and through your house WHENEVER and you can do NOTHING about it." "You have to do what the ex wife says, so you better be nice, especially because she could keep her kids from your wedding." Come now. The stepparents must do what they can to foster a healthy relationship with the kids, but second wives are not second class citizens in their own homes, nor are they subservient to ex-wives. The kids need to ask can friends come over same as they would if their mom and dad were still married and living in one home. Some of these posts are just nuts. Maybe I should call my husband's ex wife and ask am I allowed to go on family vacation this year or would her highness prefer it just to be DSS and his dad so I should just stay home? I'll defer to her whims, of course.

Let me put it this way: OP is not going to expect her own offspring to call and ask permission every time he enters the house. So she shouldn't impose that requirement on her DH's children either. ALL of his children should be welcome in his home equally. That's what 50/50 means.

OP absolutely 100% never claimed she would impose that upon her stepkids and right now they are 8 and 6, not teenagers. By the time they are teenagers, she will have been around long enough and they would be bonded enough to treat her with the respect they treat their mom and dad.

Ha. Time does not = bond and respect. If anything, the honeymoon is over and they may be processing emotions related to the new baby as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

I do really have to laugh at how some posters elevate the kids of divorce and the ex wives to demigods. "They and their friends can come in and through your house WHENEVER and you can do NOTHING about it." "You have to do what the ex wife says, so you better be nice, especially because she could keep her kids from your wedding." Come now. The stepparents must do what they can to foster a healthy relationship with the kids, but second wives are not second class citizens in their own homes, nor are they subservient to ex-wives. The kids need to ask can friends come over same as they would if their mom and dad were still married and living in one home. Some of these posts are just nuts. Maybe I should call my husband's ex wife and ask am I allowed to go on family vacation this year or would her highness prefer it just to be DSS and his dad so I should just stay home? I'll defer to her whims, of course.

Let me put it this way: OP is not going to expect her own offspring to call and ask permission every time he enters the house. So she shouldn't impose that requirement on her DH's children either. ALL of his children should be welcome in his home equally. That's what 50/50 means.

Let me put it this way: OP's offspring will all live in the house, full time. Her stepkids are expected to be somewhere else. I am the ex-wife. If my teenage daughter was running over to my ex's house during times when she was supposed to be with me, or was supposed to be somewhere else, I would be upset if my ex and/or his wife did not tell me about that. If we need to shift custody schedule around in a way that works better for DD, that would be fine with me and I would happily discuss it as a big blended family. But realistically, if it is a time when she is supposed to be with them, I don't expect her to just be randomly showing up with friends at my house, even though she lives there 50% of the time. I would be fine with her coming, but I would appreciate if she would call first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don't agree he's not willing to work on it, they did for a long time but the "work" didn't work

Kids are 8 and 6

We have been dating 6 mo, not ready to move in or anything, but serious enough to start spending time with his kids and move beyond compartmentalized dating. Don't want to take that step though if long term marriage doesn't seem doable which is why I'm asking the question now

Get off dcum. Dcum is very traditional in the sense that marriage must work no matter what and if it doesn't, you both are going to hell and shouldn't have a life after. I met my husband as a single mother. We dated for 3 months, introduced the child, then engaged at 6 months, married 6 months later, had three more kids together. Our family is more than what I can ask for. He treats my child very well. Make sure to be open and honest. Ask questions. It may be hard to talk about but speak about finances, your role, having more kids, etc.

You have a completely different situation to OP's. All your children are your own and live with you full-time.