What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don't agree he's not willing to work on it, they did for a long time but the "work" didn't work

Kids are 8 and 6

We have been dating 6 mo, not ready to move in or anything, but serious enough to start spending time with his kids and move beyond compartmentalized dating. Don't want to take that step though if long term marriage doesn't seem doable which is why I'm asking the question now

Get off dcum. Dcum is very traditional in the sense that marriage must work no matter what and if it doesn't, you both are going to hell and shouldn't have a life after. I met my husband as a single mother. We dated for 3 months, introduced the child, then engaged at 6 months, married 6 months later, had three more kids together. Our family is more than what I can ask for. He treats my child very well. Make sure to be open and honest. Ask questions. It may be hard to talk about but speak about finances, your role, having more kids, etc.

Did your husband have children from a previous marriage? I guess not, because I can guarantee you'd be singing a different tune. We can get blue in the face talking about equality, but a man with children (regardless of the custody situation) and a woman with children are two very, very different beasts for a million reasons I'm too lazy to get into. This has nothing to do with DCUM being "traditional" or whatever. Blame biology, society, whatever you want: a divorced woman with a child is far more marketable than a divorced guy with two kids, sharing custody. It is just the way it is, might as well accept it. I'm glad it worked out for you. Now picture the three children you have are not yours, but another woman's. Big, big difference

Please state the differences because I'm having a hard time understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The biggest barrier to cross is different parenting styles by different parents for different children. The best thing to do I found out was to let him be the parent he wants to be with his children, while i did the same for mine. My child has a father. His children by a previous marriage have a mother.

This may cause some conflict between the children, but doing anything else will cause conflict within and between both sets of parents. Children deal with fairness issues better than adults...much better, we discovered.

That only works if DH has kids from previous marriage and so does DW but they don't have any together. If the DW and DH have kids together and THOSE kids get a different set of rules and expectations than the existing kids, that's begging for trouble. I tell my husband whenever he and I are talking about something to do with my stepson: "You know this is only my opinion and I support whatever you choose. But also know that everything I think should go for Son would be exactly what I would think should go for Daughters." I was fully on board with buying my stepson a car because that's what I'd do for my kids. I also expect him to have a part time job when he goes to college next year- because mine will as well. Things like that. What's good for the goose has to be good for the gander.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you say his ex was not thrilled about the divorce, do you mean that he left her? Really think about whether you want to marry a man who left the mother of his children.

Can you and your boyfriend afford all these kids? What happens if he has a change in his income, or if one of the kids ends up having some expensive special needs? How will you feel when you are not able to spend money as you wish, because of his agreement with his ex? If her income drops, he will have to pay more.

Whatever you do, don't buy into the "children are resilient" crap. That's just the excuse adults make for treating children badly. Divorce can be profoundly traumatizing for young children and take years for them to recover. Not all kids, but some. You need to be realistic about it.

OP here - yikes you all are making this seem pretty awful.

I have a good amount of money so we can financially afford more kids.

Yes he left his family - they both agreed they were miserable, his wife wanted to keep working on it but he threw in the towel. I don't currently judge him for it because I know how soul sucking a marriage where the love is gone can be - but maybe I'll feel differently when I have kids?

One of the problems in my first marriage is that my DHs needs always came before mine. With my current BF I fully want my boyfriend to put his kids first, he should and I would be disgusted with him if he didn't, but after reading all this I'm increasingly concerned about even though I believe thats the way it should be, actually living it will slowly grow resentment

You can make it work if you're both realistic. His kids don't always come first, just like any marriage there are times the couple comes first. He will have one on one time with them, and you and he will also have your own life. Leave it up to him how often he sees his kids because I'm sure he has hobbies and there's adult time with his wife. The kids will also have their life with the mother and yours doesn't stop just because they aren't there. His kids will have vacations with mom and her family, and that's a great time for both of you and your child to do your own vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The biggest barrier to cross is different parenting styles by different parents for different children. The best thing to do I found out was to let him be the parent he wants to be with his children, while i did the same for mine. My child has a father. His children by a previous marriage have a mother.

This may cause some conflict between the children, but doing anything else will cause conflict within and between both sets of parents. Children deal with fairness issues better than adults...much better, we discovered.

That only works if DH has kids from previous marriage and so does DW but they don't have any together. If the DW and DH have kids together and THOSE kids get a different set of rules and expectations than the existing kids, that's begging for trouble. I tell my husband whenever he and I are talking about something to do with my stepson: "You know this is only my opinion and I support whatever you choose. But also know that everything I think should go for Son would be exactly what I would think should go for Daughters." I was fully on board with buying my stepson a car because that's what I'd do for my kids. I also expect him to have a part time job when he goes to college next year- because mine will as well. Things like that. What's good for the goose has to be good for the gander.

It can be really tough to work these things out in practice. It's easy to say "let the parents parent" or "present a united front" or "put the kids first" but in real life, resolving these issues takes a huge amount of time and energy. Even if everyone gets along, even if everyone is a great parent, and even if everyone puts the kids first. And when if his ex re-marries, and has more kids or step-kids and they have their own mom as well, that's an awful lot of adults, budgets, schedules, and finances to reconcile.

Really think, OP, if you have the time and emotional energy for this stuff. It's a big commitment to link your household to another household so intimately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to make sure you and your partner will be parenting the children together while in your custody. His ex parents with her partner and no one bothers the other or interferes.
I have seen where the ex tries to micro-manage the other home or interferes, so you need to see what the dynamics are and be clear you won't tolerate any of that. The children obey the rules of your home while there, and only you and the father make and enforce those.

The ex is just that, a ex that doesn't need to be a part of your lives. Of course there will be sports, and school functions where everyone needs to be cordial but you don't need to sit with ex etc. As for holidays, follow the court order and I would imagine they are split like most or on and off years. You'll have your own celebrations, ex will have hers and life will go on.

As for vacations you can take the kids when it's their time off, and you can also do your own when they are with the mother.

These are all goods things to know before making that commitment, and to make sure you both are on the same page.

It may not go over well if you take the younger kid on a separate (or nicer) vacation without the older kids.

Also, bear in mind that your life will be ruled by their school and activity schedules. It'll be even worse if they don't go to the same schools (like when the older one starts middle school).

I wouldn't assume that the ex won't be a significant part of your lives. If one of the children develops a serious problem of any sort, it will be all hands on deck for as long as it lasts.

That's ok, the older kids might be going on nicer vacations at moms house. They might have nicer rooms over there, on and on that can go. Kids don't get to rule the roost, and no life won't be ruled by their school or activity schedule.

OP there will be time you and dh will need to visit your family, weddings etc. so that may come before his kids and time will need to be adjusted with their visits. It's called life and dh's responsibility as a married man. Again his kids will have their own lives with mom especially at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don't agree he's not willing to work on it, they did for a long time but the "work" didn't work

Kids are 8 and 6

We have been dating 6 mo, not ready to move in or anything, but serious enough to start spending time with his kids and move beyond compartmentalized dating. Don't want to take that step though if long term marriage doesn't seem doable which is why I'm asking the question now

Get off dcum. Dcum is very traditional in the sense that marriage must work no matter what and if it doesn't, you both are going to hell and shouldn't have a life after. I met my husband as a single mother. We dated for 3 months, introduced the child, then engaged at 6 months, married 6 months later, had three more kids together. Our family is more than what I can ask for. He treats my child very well. Make sure to be open and honest. Ask questions. It may be hard to talk about but speak about finances, your role, having more kids, etc.

Did your husband have children from a previous marriage? I guess not, because I can guarantee you'd be singing a different tune. We can get blue in the face talking about equality, but a man with children (regardless of the custody situation) and a woman with children are two very, very different beasts for a million reasons I'm too lazy to get into. This has nothing to do with DCUM being "traditional" or whatever. Blame biology, society, whatever you want: a divorced woman with a child is far more marketable than a divorced guy with two kids, sharing custody. It is just the way it is, might as well accept it. I'm glad it worked out for you. Now picture the three children you have are not yours, but another woman's. Big, big difference

Please state the differences because I'm having a hard time understanding.

Oh no, please don't make me analyze this, I am too tired for that. Obviously, we have to take specifics into account, but generally men tend to accept women's children easier than vice versa. Especially when we go into multiples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The biggest barrier to cross is different parenting styles by different parents for different children. The best thing to do I found out was to let him be the parent he wants to be with his children, while i did the same for mine. My child has a father. His children by a previous marriage have a mother.

This may cause some conflict between the children, but doing anything else will cause conflict within and between both sets of parents. Children deal with fairness issues better than adults...much better, we discovered.

When they are under the same roof, all have the same rules. I will parent all kids the same regardless, same with dh. No different than at a friends or someone else's home - it's different rules between houses and yes kids get that early on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to know how cool she'll be with you. What if she's dropping off the kids to you and he's not there? What if your wedding is on her custody day and she doesn't want to let the kids attend?

It is so, SO important you have a decent relationship with the ex.

If it's an adult wedding, it won't matter!

Otherwise, they can plan it when the kids are there.

My advice would be NOT to empower a ex...ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don't agree he's not willing to work on it, they did for a long time but the "work" didn't work

Kids are 8 and 6

We have been dating 6 mo, not ready to move in or anything, but serious enough to start spending time with his kids and move beyond compartmentalized dating. Don't want to take that step though if long term marriage doesn't seem doable which is why I'm asking the question now

Get off dcum. Dcum is very traditional in the sense that marriage must work no matter what and if it doesn't, you both are going to hell and shouldn't have a life after. I met my husband as a single mother. We dated for 3 months, introduced the child, then engaged at 6 months, married 6 months later, had three more kids together. Our family is more than what I can ask for. He treats my child very well. Make sure to be open and honest. Ask questions. It may be hard to talk about but speak about finances, your role, having more kids, etc.

Did your husband have children from a previous marriage? I guess not, because I can guarantee you'd be singing a different tune. We can get blue in the face talking about equality, but a man with children (regardless of the custody situation) and a woman with children are two very, very different beasts for a million reasons I'm too lazy to get into. This has nothing to do with DCUM being "traditional" or whatever. Blame biology, society, whatever you want: a divorced woman with a child is far more marketable than a divorced guy with two kids, sharing custody. It is just the way it is, might as well accept it. I'm glad it worked out for you. Now picture the three children you have are not yours, but another woman's. Big, big difference

Oh yeah, single moms are a super hot commodity. Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to make sure you and your partner will be parenting the children together while in your custody. His ex parents with her partner and no one bothers the other or interferes.
I have seen where the ex tries to micro-manage the other home or interferes, so you need to see what the dynamics are and be clear you won't tolerate any of that. The children obey the rules of your home while there, and only you and the father make and enforce those.

The ex is just that, a ex that doesn't need to be a part of your lives. Of course there will be sports, and school functions where everyone needs to be cordial but you don't need to sit with ex etc. As for holidays, follow the court order and I would imagine they are split like most or on and off years. You'll have your own celebrations, ex will have hers and life will go on.

As for vacations you can take the kids when it's their time off, and you can also do your own when they are with the mother.

These are all goods things to know before making that commitment, and to make sure you both are on the same page.

It may not go over well if you take the younger kid on a separate (or nicer) vacation without the older kids.

Also, bear in mind that your life will be ruled by their school and activity schedules. It'll be even worse if they don't go to the same schools (like when the older one starts middle school).

I wouldn't assume that the ex won't be a significant part of your lives. If one of the children develops a serious problem of any sort, it will be all hands on deck for as long as it lasts.

That's ok, the older kids might be going on nicer vacations at moms house. They might have nicer rooms over there, on and on that can go. Kids don't get to rule the roost, and no life won't be ruled by their school or activity schedule.

OP there will be time you and dh will need to visit your family, weddings etc. so that may come before his kids and time will need to be adjusted with their visits. It's called life and dh's responsibility as a married man. Again his kids will have their own lives with mom especially at that age.

Hi Stepmom! It was so, so great to see you on here (kidding

I cannot say how much I disagree with this thinking as someone whose parents both remarried and were very, very selfish. Listen, divorce is hard. I get it. Parenting is hard. I get it as a mom. Marriage is hard. I get it as a wife and widow. Money and time are tight and something's got to give. But if you take an approach where the kids will just need to fall in line and deal with the chaos because that's life, well...I'm just sorry for your kids.

I have a very rigid view when it comes to parenting and dating and I don't even have an ex to deal with. Right now, my priority is raising my kids and supporting them through a difficult childhood of their own choosing. And honestly talking to my friends who are all single moms with their heads on right, we all kind of feel the same way.

Do I see myself remarried someday? For me, it's honestly not going to happen. I will never, ever intertwine my life with another person in the same way. Can I see how someone would want to do this and try to make certain their kids handled the transition well. Definitely! I was just in a wedding last summer and it was the nicest thing. But here's the thing -- kids absolutely come first. They were here first and as a parent your main obligation is the health, welfare, and safety of your kids. If I was dating someone who had the mentality that they should come first, they would be sorely disappointment. Step parents need to know their place (which is an extremely frustrating one and one I wouldn't go running toward but to each their own).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to make sure you and your partner will be parenting the children together while in your custody. His ex parents with her partner and no one bothers the other or interferes.
I have seen where the ex tries to micro-manage the other home or interferes, so you need to see what the dynamics are and be clear you won't tolerate any of that. The children obey the rules of your home while there, and only you and the father make and enforce those.

The ex is just that, a ex that doesn't need to be a part of your lives. Of course there will be sports, and school functions where everyone needs to be cordial but you don't need to sit with ex etc. As for holidays, follow the court order and I would imagine they are split like most or on and off years. You'll have your own celebrations, ex will have hers and life will go on.

As for vacations you can take the kids when it's their time off, and you can also do your own when they are with the mother.

These are all goods things to know before making that commitment, and to make sure you both are on the same page.

It may not go over well if you take the younger kid on a separate (or nicer) vacation without the older kids.

Also, bear in mind that your life will be ruled by their school and activity schedules. It'll be even worse if they don't go to the same schools (like when the older one starts middle school).

I wouldn't assume that the ex won't be a significant part of your lives. If one of the children develops a serious problem of any sort, it will be all hands on deck for as long as it lasts.

That's ok, the older kids might be going on nicer vacations at moms house. They might have nicer rooms over there, on and on that can go. Kids don't get to rule the roost, and no life won't be ruled by their school or activity schedule.

OP there will be time you and dh will need to visit your family, weddings etc. so that may come before his kids and time will need to be adjusted with their visits. It's called life and dh's responsibility as a married man. Again his kids will have their own lives with mom especially at that age.

Hi Stepmom! It was so, so great to see you on here (kidding

I cannot say how much I disagree with this thinking as someone whose parents both remarried and were very, very selfish. Listen, divorce is hard. I get it. Parenting is hard. I get it as a mom. Marriage is hard. I get it as a wife and widow. Money and time are tight and something's got to give. But if you take an approach where the kids will just need to fall in line and deal with the chaos because that's life, well...I'm just sorry for your kids.

I have a very rigid view when it comes to parenting and dating and I don't even have an ex to deal with. Right now, my priority is raising my kids and supporting them through a difficult childhood of their own choosing. And honestly talking to my friends who are all single moms with their heads on right, we all kind of feel the same way.

Do I see myself remarried someday? For me, it's honestly not going to happen. I will never, ever intertwine my life with another person in the same way. Can I see how someone would want to do this and try to make certain their kids handled the transition well. Definitely! I was just in a wedding last summer and it was the nicest thing. But here's the thing -- kids absolutely come first. They were here first and as a parent your main obligation is the health, welfare, and safety of your kids. If I was dating someone who had the mentality that they should come first, they would be sorely disappointment. Step parents need to know their place (which is an extremely frustrating one and one I wouldn't go running toward but to each their own).

Apologies for the iphone typos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The biggest barrier to cross is different parenting styles by different parents for different children. The best thing to do I found out was to let him be the parent he wants to be with his children, while i did the same for mine. My child has a father. His children by a previous marriage have a mother.

This may cause some conflict between the children, but doing anything else will cause conflict within and between both sets of parents. Children deal with fairness issues better than adults...much better, we discovered.

When they are under the same roof, all have the same rules. I will parent all kids the same regardless, same with dh. No different than at a friends or someone else's home - it's different rules between houses and yes kids get that early on.

Easy to say, hard to do. Different house rules may result in older kids refusing to cooperate with the custody schedule. It's very, very hard to force a teenager into a custody arrangement they dislike. They will make you miserable and the long-term parenting relationship will suffer.

House rules are one thing, but what about the children's commitments? Major parenting decisions and financial matters? It can't be like, you're on the basketball team during the weeks you're at mom's house, but not when you're with dad. You can't go to Dunbar on dad's weeks and Sidwell on mom's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all make this sound really really miserable. To answer a few questions

- No i don't want to be a stay at home mom
- He has 50% physical custody. He seems very involved but I haven't actually seen him with the kids. I don't get the impression he pawns them off on his weekends and things

Would we be better off not having kids. If I could love his kids as my own, I think I'd be ok with that - I've never been a must have a baby person. But the responses are making it sound like it's both impossible to love the kids as your own and to also integrate a new kid without a lot of problems. Does this ever work nicely?!

If you want things to work you have to be realistic. You won't love his kids as your own and that's ok because they won't love you as much as their mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to make sure you and your partner will be parenting the children together while in your custody. His ex parents with her partner and no one bothers the other or interferes.
I have seen where the ex tries to micro-manage the other home or interferes, so you need to see what the dynamics are and be clear you won't tolerate any of that. The children obey the rules of your home while there, and only you and the father make and enforce those.

The ex is just that, a ex that doesn't need to be a part of your lives. Of course there will be sports, and school functions where everyone needs to be cordial but you don't need to sit with ex etc. As for holidays, follow the court order and I would imagine they are split like most or on and off years. You'll have your own celebrations, ex will have hers and life will go on.

As for vacations you can take the kids when it's their time off, and you can also do your own when they are with the mother.

These are all goods things to know before making that commitment, and to make sure you both are on the same page.

It may not go over well if you take the younger kid on a separate (or nicer) vacation without the older kids.

Also, bear in mind that your life will be ruled by their school and activity schedules. It'll be even worse if they don't go to the same schools (like when the older one starts middle school).

I wouldn't assume that the ex won't be a significant part of your lives. If one of the children develops a serious problem of any sort, it will be all hands on deck for as long as it lasts.

That's ok, the older kids might be going on nicer vacations at moms house. They might have nicer rooms over there, on and on that can go. Kids don't get to rule the roost, and no life won't be ruled by their school or activity schedule.

OP there will be time you and dh will need to visit your family, weddings etc. so that may come before his kids and time will need to be adjusted with their visits. It's called life and dh's responsibility as a married man. Again his kids will have their own lives with mom especially at that age.

Hi Stepmom! It was so, so great to see you on here (kidding

I cannot say how much I disagree with this thinking as someone whose parents both remarried and were very, very selfish. Listen, divorce is hard. I get it. Parenting is hard. I get it as a mom. Marriage is hard. I get it as a wife and widow. Money and time are tight and something's got to give. But if you take an approach where the kids will just need to fall in line and deal with the chaos because that's life, well...I'm just sorry for your kids.

I have a very rigid view when it comes to parenting and dating and I don't even have an ex to deal with. Right now, my priority is raising my kids and supporting them through a difficult childhood of their own choosing. And honestly talking to my friends who are all single moms with their heads on right, we all kind of feel the same way.

Do I see myself remarried someday? For me, it's honestly not going to happen. I will never, ever intertwine my life with another person in the same way. Can I see how someone would want to do this and try to make certain their kids handled the transition well. Definitely! I was just in a wedding last summer and it was the nicest thing. But here's the thing -- kids absolutely come first. They were here first and as a parent your main obligation is the health, welfare, and safety of your kids. If I was dating someone who had the mentality that they should come first, they would be sorely disappointment. Step parents need to know their place (which is an extremely frustrating one and one I wouldn't go running toward but to each their own).

Of course kids always want to come first. They want the latest toy, PS game, iphone, etc. Guess what step child (kidding)...they don't always get to come first and that's how it works.
Yes it can be frustrating but kids need to know their place and that's done by the adults who are watching them.

[Anonymous]

DO.NOT.DO.IT!

Run as fast as you can in the other direction. As one of my BFF's advised me "you really should never marry a man with kids and an X still alive."