Would you view this to be a breach of trust?

[Anonymous]

A question that has come up repeatedly is whether my friend is aware of my wife's feelings about being a sperm donor: no, she is not aware of it and I don't feel that it would be fair to her to bring it up.

It did come up when I told her that I was contemplating marriage; she asked me whether my marriage would affect my ability to be a donor. I said it would not based on what I felt was an understanding I had with my wife at the time. She knew I had made a commitment that I would honor. All she said at that time was that she hoped that my friend would change her mind.

The fact that her feelings have become more polarized is because of certain external influences. These influences have played on her latent bias against gays, gay marriages and gays having children.

I absolutely would not put my friend in the position of having to, in effect, bail me out several years after I made a commitment to her and reaffirming it before I got married. She is counting on me - especially now that she has a partner who is fully vested in my role as a donor.

[Anonymous]

Is this a joke, or some bad high school homework assignment? Of course it's a breach of trust. Would you like your wife to donate her eggs without telling you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your original post, you said that your wife doesn't know about this woman.

Why wouldn't your wife know about a person who donated an organ to you, who you credit with saving your life, and are still in contact with? That seems like a pretty heavy topic that a spouse would/should know about. I don't get it.

I am sorry but the phrasing in my OP was not sufficiently precise. She has never met or spoken to my friend. She obviously does know that my life was saved through an organ transplant from this friend. My wife also knows that my friend is a lesbian and we are in touch with each other. She is ambivalent about our relationship partly because we are close and also, given her conservative family background, I suspect it has to do with her being gay.

Any other questions I will respond tomorrow.

If you have a new organ, was there a genetic cause? Could your medications cause genetic defects? It does nit sound like you're an ideal candidate. No offense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A question that has come up repeatedly is whether my friend is aware of my wife's feelings about being a sperm donor: no, she is not aware of it and I don't feel that it would be fair to her to bring it up.

It did come up when I told her that I was contemplating marriage; she asked me whether my marriage would affect my ability to be a donor. I said it would not based on what I felt was an understanding I had with my wife at the time. She knew I had made a commitment that I would honor. All she said at that time was that she hoped that my friend would change her mind.

The fact that her feelings have become more polarized is because of certain external influences. These influences have played on her latent bias against gays, gay marriages and gays having children.

I absolutely would not put my friend in the position of having to, in effect, bail me out several years after I made a commitment to her and reaffirming it before I got married. She is counting on me - especially now that she has a partner who is fully vested in my role as a donor.

OP, I've really tried to be patient with you, but I'm at the end of my patience.

You are taking away from both of these women the ability to make an informed decision about this situation. They both have the right to decide if they are willing to be involved in this situation, with all the consequences associated with it. If you donate and your wife finds out and divorces you, what will you tell your friend? Will you see the child that you conceive with this woman? What if your feelings about the kid are more complicated than you anticipate? What if the child ends up with a medical condition that requires an organ donation (rare circumstances, though it did happen to you)? What if the child grows up looking exactly like you?

This is a decision that will have long reaching consequences for your family - your wife, your future children with her (if any), your family of origin, the child you conceive with your friend, etc. It is completely unfair for you to claim all the power in this situation. If you cannot see that, I don't know what to say. You should've told your wife about this arrangement before you married her. You should've told your friend that your wife would have issues with the situation when you got married. Your refusal to disclose those things is unethical and disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A question that has come up repeatedly is whether my friend is aware of my wife's feelings about being a sperm donor: no, she is not aware of it and I don't feel that it would be fair to her to bring it up.

It did come up when I told her that I was contemplating marriage; she asked me whether my marriage would affect my ability to be a donor. I said it would not based on what I felt was an understanding I had with my wife at the time. She knew I had made a commitment that I would honor. All she said at that time was that she hoped that my friend would change her mind.

The fact that her feelings have become more polarized is because of certain external influences. These influences have played on her latent bias against gays, gay marriages and gays having children.

I absolutely would not put my friend in the position of having to, in effect, bail me out several years after I made a commitment to her and reaffirming it before I got married. She is counting on me - especially now that she has a partner who is fully vested in my role as a donor.

OP, I've really tried to be patient with you, but I'm at the end of my patience.

You are taking away from both of these women the ability to make an informed decision about this situation. They both have the right to decide if they are willing to be involved in this situation, with all the consequences associated with it. If you donate and your wife finds out and divorces you, what will you tell your friend? Will you see the child that you conceive with this woman? What if your feelings about the kid are more complicated than you anticipate? What if the child ends up with a medical condition that requires an organ donation (rare circumstances, though it did happen to you)? What if the child grows up looking exactly like you?

This is a decision that will have long reaching consequences for your family - your wife, your future children with her (if any), your family of origin, the child you conceive with your friend, etc. It is completely unfair for you to claim all the power in this situation. If you cannot see that, I don't know what to say. You should've told your wife about this arrangement before you married her. You should've told your friend that your wife would have issues with the situation when you got married. Your refusal to disclose those things is unethical and disrespectful.

Not the OP but it appears he did make the appropriate disclosure to his wife before he married her and based on her response - or non-response - told his friend it would not be an issue.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. OP is ridiculous and should just divorce his wife. He doesn't like her views, doesn't respect her and doesn't care about her feelings on this issue.

He needs to grow some balls and act like a real man. Geez.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you may have fundamental values reasons why you and your wife are incompatible in the long term, based on the further information you have provided. You sound like you don't respect her and her views. (I frankly wouldn't, either, but you married her.)

As a PP mentioned above, I think it is profoundly unfair, dangerous, and disrespectful to withhold critical information from both of the two women involved in this decision. The woman who donated her organ to you deserves to know whether your wife objects to this donation. It is clear that this information is important to her because she asked you about it even before you married. If she is a normal person, her concern is not just whether your wife's opinion might jeopardize her access to your magic sperm. It is because she cares about the psychological well being of the potential child who may result from your donation.

Assisted reproduction with donor gametes is psychologically complex, as is adoption. We are only just learning the effects as children born from gamete donation become adults. What makes sense from post-birth adoption analogies, though, is that the context of the surrender or gift of either gametes or child is important to the resulting child. So, a backstory that the child's mother donated her organ and you donated your sperm is a beautiful thing, since her mother's body is now part of yours and then part of your body became part of her mother's and then resulted in her. Lovely. Full circle. However, if the story is that your donation of gametes broke up your family, or was done in secret and therefore she can never be acknowledged, it changes the context considerably and results in a terrible psychological burden. Your friend deserves to make an informed decision with all available information. As does your wife. For you to hoard the truth is deceptive, dishonest, dangerous, and damaging. Your hubris is stunning.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a narcissist. Perhaps you should google that and see if it speaks to you.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why people are jumping all over OP. If his wife changed her mind after getting married, is OP supposed to go along with her wishes? Isn't his wife being disrespectful of her husband's wishes?

I agree it would be ideal if OP told the friend about the issues his wife is now having. I also get the impression that OP and his wife are fundamentally incompatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why people are jumping all over OP. If his wife changed her mind after getting married, is OP supposed to go along with her wishes? Isn't his wife being disrespectful of her husband's wishes?

I agree it would be ideal if OP told the friend about the issues his wife is now having. I also get the impression that OP and his wife are fundamentally incompatible.

The women are all coming to the defense of the wife because that is what the sisterhood is expected to do. Pretty much the norm on this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why people are jumping all over OP. If his wife changed her mind after getting married, is OP supposed to go along with her wishes? Isn't his wife being disrespectful of her husband's wishes?

I agree it would be ideal if OP told the friend about the issues his wife is now having. I also get the impression that OP and his wife are fundamentally incompatible.

The women are all coming to the defense of the wife because that is what the sisterhood is expected to do. Pretty much the norm on this forum.

NO, the women are coming down on the OP because it is unethical and disrespectful to conceive a child with someone else, either without their knowledge or despite their disapproval. I don't think it's out of the question for a married woman to expect that the default would be "My husband does not have children with anyone other than me, effective when we first became exclusive." If the wife is okay with donation, it's different. But it's not really a "sisterhood" thing to say "Don't have kids with other people, no matter how many organs they give you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why people are jumping all over OP. If his wife changed her mind after getting married, is OP supposed to go along with her wishes? Isn't his wife being disrespectful of her husband's wishes?

I agree it would be ideal if OP told the friend about the issues his wife is now having. I also get the impression that OP and his wife are fundamentally incompatible.

The women are all coming to the defense of the wife because that is what the sisterhood is expected to do. Pretty much the norm on this forum.

Says the other woman getting her panties twisted on the OW thread.

[Anonymous]

I have to agree with some posters that your friend has a right to know the information about your wife.

If you do donate and do not tell her about this, and then a few years down the line she finds out you are divorced because of the donation, do you not think she will feel terrible? Why not consider the other side of this, that your friend would never want to compromise your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why people are jumping all over OP. If his wife changed her mind after getting married, is OP supposed to go along with her wishes? Isn't his wife being disrespectful of her husband's wishes?

I agree it would be ideal if OP told the friend about the issues his wife is now having. I also get the impression that OP and his wife are fundamentally incompatible.

The women are all coming to the defense of the wife because that is what the sisterhood is expected to do. Pretty much the norm on this forum.

NO, the women are coming down on the OP because it is unethical and disrespectful to conceive a child with someone else, either without their knowledge or despite their disapproval. I don't think it's out of the question for a married woman to expect that the default would be "My husband does not have children with anyone other than me, effective when we first became exclusive." If the wife is okay with donation, it's different. But it's not really a "sisterhood" thing to say "Don't have kids with other people, no matter how many organs they give you."

But OP said his wife was aware of the arrangement before they married and changed her mind subsequently. Isn't this change of heart the crux of the problem?

[Anonymous]

I'm still concerned with OP health and medication eliminating him as a candidate. Can anyone speak to the teratogenic effects of immunosuppressant drugs? Or if there were underlying genetic causes initially causing the need for a new organ?