Would you view this to be a breach of trust?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you feel pretty strongly about it. I think rather than trying to find a way to do it behind your wife's back I would work on getting your wife on board with the idea. Slowly, letting her ask whatever she needs to ask and then sitting with it, etc. I think that's the only way for this to work.

I feel a very strong obligation to help my friend. I also don't want to irretrievably destroy my marriage. I am conflicted.

What does your friend think of sperm banks? Or other male friends? Like single ones?

[Anonymous]

This should be in the "obtuse husband" thread

[Anonymous]

I would view this as a if you even remotely think lying about this is OK you have huge issues and I feel horrible for your wife!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you feel pretty strongly about it. I think rather than trying to find a way to do it behind your wife's back I would work on getting your wife on board with the idea. Slowly, letting her ask whatever she needs to ask and then sitting with it, etc. I think that's the only way for this to work.

I feel a very strong obligation to help my friend. I also don't want to irretrievably destroy my marriage. I am conflicted.

Have you told your friend this would likely destroy your marriage if your wife found out? If I were truly your friend, I would not ask you to do something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you feel pretty strongly about it. I think rather than trying to find a way to do it behind your wife's back I would work on getting your wife on board with the idea. Slowly, letting her ask whatever she needs to ask and then sitting with it, etc. I think that's the only way for this to work.

I feel a very strong obligation to help my friend. I also don't want to irretrievably destroy my marriage. I am conflicted.

The answer cannot be that you will do it behind your wife's back. It is a huge breach of trust, and if your wife learns it, you will be divorced. And she will learn it, because your friend will send you a Christmas card and the baby will look like you.

Even if that (or something like it) doesn't happen, imagine that your friend dies in childbirth or when the child is one or two or 10. What would you do? Assuming she has another person who she's planning to raise the child with, what if both of them die in a car accident? Are you willing to let your (biological) child be raised by someone other than your friend? A complete stranger? If your answer is anything other than "I will do nothing, because it is not my child," then you cannot do it in secret. If that IS your answer, you are a cold SOB.

It's hard to see how talking with your wife about it will irretrievably destroy your marriage, but doing it without talking almost certainly will. Unless you are willing to dump your wife over this, and it seems you're not, then you have to talk to her.

[Anonymous]

Insane. Totally insane. Your friend can use sperm banks. It's not like the options are your sperm or no kids.

I would divorce my husband if he did that without my consent. In a heartbeat. Worse than an affair to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely a breach of trust. Also risky legally. There was an article in Slate recently about recent cases with sperm donors being ordered to pay child support.

I was going to say: if you even need to ask whether or not it's a "breach of trust" to do something behind your wife's back when you know ahead of time she will object, then you've got serious issues.

Secondly - and before I married and we got pregnant, I looked into the whole donor thing from a few angles - this BS about "not legally obligated because the mother said so" is horseshit. It's not up to the mother. It's up to the courts and the state who represent the child's interest, not the mother's and not the donor's. Even in states where there are clear "donor exceptions" in the law, unless you have a licensed professional using ART to handle the donation, you aren't protected. However much money the donee has, whatever contract she draws up supposedly relieving you of obligations, isn't worth the paper it's printed on. The child can't sign such a paper, and as far as the courts (AFAIK, this is only tested in Kansas so far) are concerned the child is the person owed child support, not the custodial parent. Many people looking for "known donors" are really people who can't afford ART and are looking to bypass that. This need for an expensive licensed professional is what made me pull back from the idea.

So, if you want to go make a donation to a clinic, and then she goes to the clinic and picks out your sperm, and pays for ART to have the insemination done, then you might be able to hide behind donor protection laws, at least as far as child support payments are concerned. That is still no guarantee (since the mother knows who you are) that the child will never track you down...wonder what you wife will think when the child shows up on your porch one day looking for daddy and your wife recognizes the child is your "good friend's"? I didn't want to explain to any future wife that I maybe had a child by donation out there somewhere, and that was another reason for avoiding this.

Honestly, you're just an idiot looking for a reason to get with this woman I think.

[Anonymous]

Whoops...PP...should have read your follow-up replies.

You should just talk to your wife about it. Even if there is no sex, and you use ART (go through a legit system), then you still run the risk of this rebounding. Virginia has a donor exemption from legal obligation, which is pretty solid. Won't necessarily stop the kid from figuring out your the donor, but it will shield you and your wife from the expenses. Still...definitely a breach of trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A woman I have known many years who is a single professional and financially very well off has broached me repeatedly about being a sperm donor so that she can have a child. I would have no financial obligation nor would I be expected to take care of the child. She is not located anywhere near where we live. Quite apart from having a substantial income, she is also the beneficiary of a substantial trust fund so I am confident that there would be no financial obligation.

I am married and my wife would never agree for me to be a sperm donor. She does not know this woman and just to be clear we have never had any sort of romantic or sexual relationship.

If I asked my wife and she refused - as I am sure she would - then I'd be acting contrary to her stated wishes. Would it be a breach of trust if I did so without her knowledge?

Rereading your message, it seems you have already decided to do this, and the question is whether you (a) lie about it; or (b) ask your wife and then lie about it. (Withholding information is the same as lying here.) There is a third option, which is present it to your wife as something you suspect she will not like, but that feel strongly about and are going to do. You can offer to answer all of her questions and do whatever it takes to make her feel better about it other than not doing it at all. That would be a principled way to do what you want to do. Would this be a dealbreaker for your wife?

[Anonymous]

Yes, this would be a huge violation. You'd be creating a child with someone else, creating both legal and emotional ties there. What's going to have ten years down the road when the kid really wants to know his/her father and your friend pressures you to be involved with your child and then your wife finds out you lied to her?

[Anonymous]

No way this is a real post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you feel pretty strongly about it. I think rather than trying to find a way to do it behind your wife's back I would work on getting your wife on board with the idea. Slowly, letting her ask whatever she needs to ask and then sitting with it, etc. I think that's the only way for this to work.

I feel a very strong obligation to help my friend. I also don't want to irretrievably destroy my marriage. I am conflicted.

This isn't a conflict. This is a manufactured problem.

There are thousands of designer sperm banks which have the legal set up to help your friend.

Your friend is not a friend if she would be willing to blow up your marriage over this. I mean Geezus.

Do the right thing and discuss with your wife or don't donate.

Also where's the appreciation for your wife standing by you? Where is the strong obligation to your wife? What are you wiling to do for her ...... except sell her out for a manufactured idiotic set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you feel pretty strongly about it. I think rather than trying to find a way to do it behind your wife's back I would work on getting your wife on board with the idea. Slowly, letting her ask whatever she needs to ask and then sitting with it, etc. I think that's the only way for this to work.

I feel a very strong obligation to help my friend. I also don't want to irretrievably destroy my marriage. I am conflicted.

Where does this sense of obligation to your friend come from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Insane. Totally insane. Your friend can use sperm banks. It's not like the options are your sperm or no kids.

I would divorce my husband if he did that without my consent. In a heartbeat. Worse than an affair to me.

+1 million

[Anonymous]

Is this even a serious question? If it is, then OP must have some deep issues to treat if he has to ask this question. Look, fathering a child outside of your marriage (whether it's through affair, consented or sperm donor arrangement) opens another system for you to get involved in, which obviously will hugely affect your wife and current or future children. So what happens if the woman gets seriously ill or dies, and the child's only option is OP? Worse yet, what if she dies during childbirth? If the child gets sick and OP feels he has to contribute somehow (medically, not financially)? You would be getting yourself into a lifetime of direct or indirect involvement and ramifications. I totally agree with another PP: this is a crazy manufactured problem. I would leave my husband if he did that in secret or talked to me and not respected my wishes (which would be an unmistakable NO).