Would you view this to be a breach of trust?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this were a donation for a relative, where the genetic connection mattered, that would be one thing. But your friend has many choices available to her. There are dozens of sperm banks she could go to. She's choosing you to father a child, which honestly, as your wife, I would not be okay with. At all. And if I found out you did it behind my back, it would irreparably damage our marriage, if not outright end it.

You don't know that this woman has "many choices available to her." This comes from a lesbian who is in a same sex marriage - and we used a known donor. It is not a decision that is arrived at simply or easily, and you'd be surprised at how narrow the pool of known donors can become.

That said, I think this would be a breach of trust if you went behind your wife's back. Unless you guys can reach an agreement on this, don't do it.

Thank you. Someone who has an actual understanding of the realities facing a lesbian who needs a donor.

Why is known donor the only option? If this woman is being truthful that she doesn't expect anything from OP, why wouldn't an anonymous donor be okay?

[Anonymous]

Does the friend know that her request will likely destroy your marraige? I cannot imagine why she would want you to go through with this knowing your wife is opposed. Why won't she concider a speem bank, or another known donor who could have a relationship with her child? Even though she saved your life I think this is asking way too much. I would concider allowing my husband to donate speem but if he went ahead and fathered a child with another woman over my objection, I would absolutely file for divorce. If your fiend cared about you at all, she wouldn't put you in his position.

[Anonymous]

What could possible go wrong?

[Anonymous]

Lesbian here: if this woman has money and really is your friend, then she would go to a sperm bank. It's the safest AND the most respectful thing to do in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this were a donation for a relative, where the genetic connection mattered, that would be one thing. But your friend has many choices available to her. There are dozens of sperm banks she could go to. She's choosing you to father a child, which honestly, as your wife, I would not be okay with. At all. And if I found out you did it behind my back, it would irreparably damage our marriage, if not outright end it.

You don't know that this woman has "many choices available to her." This comes from a lesbian who is in a same sex marriage - and we used a known donor. It is not a decision that is arrived at simply or easily, and you'd be surprised at how narrow the pool of known donors can become.

That said, I think this would be a breach of trust if you went behind your wife's back. Unless you guys can reach an agreement on this, don't do it.

Thank you. Someone who has an actual understanding of the realities facing a lesbian who needs a donor.

Why is known donor the only option? If this woman is being truthful that she doesn't expect anything from OP, why wouldn't an anonymous donor be okay?

PP here - the one who is a lesbian in a same sex marriage who used a known donor.

There are a lot of reasons why we chose to use a known donor - probably the same reasons other lesbian couples chose known donors:

- Not wanting our child to have a bunch of half siblings out there (which they would if we used a random donor from a sperm bank)
- Wanting access to medical information in future years (we have read about some scary shit that even sperm banks missed and children of donor sperm and - though this rarely happens - children have ended up with awful, rare diseases that the testing doesn't catch)
- Not wanting our child's father to be some omnipotent, life-giving power that never had a face (thus lessening our role as his parents in some way, particularly my role as his non-bio mom)
- Wanting our child/children to have a relationship with our donor - one that we define - now and later in life

And yes, we took care of all of the necessary legal work to do this. It wasn't cheap or easy.

In response to the lesbian who said that a sperm bank is the "safest" way to do this, we had our donor work through a sperm bank. Acquiring the sperm that we used to conceive of our son took literally YEARS. It also entailed no fewer than three meetings with a social worker before we moved forward with IUIs and, eventually, IVF.

Some women DO choose to use known donors and to do AI at home, but after getting all of the proper tests. Have you ever considered how much money it costs to do IVF on top of taking care of your donor's medical testing, etc?

Bottom line is that it's really unfair to presume anything about any couple that chooses a known donor. Unless you're the one in the situation, you don't know what that couple is going through.

That said, I'd like to reiterate that donating sperm behind your partner's back - and against her wishes - is absolutely grounds for a shitstorm that will inevitably happen unless you work this out beforehand, OP.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just end your marriage first and then donate? At least that won't be deceitful. And what happens if your sperm and her eggs never make a baby? Will you still be happy with your decision? Your friend will be childless and you'll be wifeless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Still waiting for your explanation, OP.

I am now in a position to offer the promised explanation but it is such a complex set of dynamics that I would prefer to just respond to specific questions. I may not be able to respond to questions that might identify who I am and who the other parties are who are involved in this matter. Questions will be answered though it may not be as promptly as some may wish. If I cannot answer a question I will say so.

I am not looking to persuade anyone that the course of action I am following is the right one.

Ugh, this is annoying, OP. How about you just tell us whether you are going to remain married and whether you are ponying up the sperm with your wife's knowledge.

Also, you never explained why it is so important that your friend have your exact sperm. Can you explain that?

My friend was an organ donor and responsible for saving my life. This was a while ago. In the course of our friendship I asked what I could do to repay her for what she did for me. About a year later she asked me if I would donate my sperm if she needed it and I agreed to do so. Nothing unique about my sperm other than the fact that it was a promise made. It will be done with or without my wife's consent.

As a wife I would probably consent to this, and if your wife won't even discuss it I think she is unreasonable. Given the above circumstances I would certainly donate. I know it's not a popular opinion given the previous 8 pages but I consider my friends family and would do anything for them.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm ok I can understand more now OP. I was initially in the position that you were batshit crazy and could not understand.

However, do you and your wife plan on having your own children one day?

It sounds like your wife is very conservative, no? I really do not know what I would do as a wife given the update you just gave. I understand it, I do...but I would also have trouble knowing that you would have a child out there that was not "ours".

Can you please answer this: Why does your friend want your sperm only? Have you expressed to her it will more than likely damage your marriage or no? If you told her what did she say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Still waiting for your explanation, OP.

I am now in a position to offer the promised explanation but it is such a complex set of dynamics that I would prefer to just respond to specific questions. I may not be able to respond to questions that might identify who I am and who the other parties are who are involved in this matter. Questions will be answered though it may not be as promptly as some may wish. If I cannot answer a question I will say so.

I am not looking to persuade anyone that the course of action I am following is the right one.

Ugh, this is annoying, OP. How about you just tell us whether you are going to remain married and whether you are ponying up the sperm with your wife's knowledge.

Also, you never explained why it is so important that your friend have your exact sperm. Can you explain that?

My friend was an organ donor and responsible for saving my life. This was a while ago. In the course of our friendship I asked what I could do to repay her for what she did for me. About a year later she asked me if I would donate my sperm if she needed it and I agreed to do so. Nothing unique about my sperm other than the fact that it was a promise made. It will be done with or without my wife's consent.

As a wife I would probably consent to this, and if your wife won't even discuss it I think she is unreasonable. Given the above circumstances I would certainly donate. I know it's not a popular opinion given the previous 8 pages but I consider my friends family and would do anything for them.

As a wife, I would be fine with my husband donating sperm to a lesbian friend in general. In this situation, absolutely. However, if my husband did it behind my back, I would not be fine with it. If my husband discussed it with me and for whatever reason I was not comfortable with it and told him that I couldn't agree to it, and he did it anyway, it would not be fine.

It sounds like there are larger issues, like the OP's wife being homophobic and the strange gratitude that the OP feels. If I was the organ donating friend, "I'm really sorry, I know that we had a deal, but my wife is really not okay with my donating sperm to anyone" would be a completely acceptable explanation to me. I would not want to be complicit in destroying the marriage of someone I cared enough about to give a kidney (or bit of liver, or whatever) to.

OP, does your friend know that you are now in a situation where it would be a problem to follow through on the agreement?

[Anonymous]

To those who keep asking why it has to be OP's sperm, it could be that the woman doesn't know anyone else in her circle who could be a donor. I am the wife of the woman who posted earlier about having used a known donor. Honestly, we had no idea what Plan B would be if our donor had declined to assist. We wanted someone who was in a committed relationship because we wanted to be sure there would be no (or little) chance of our donor contracting an STD. Our uncoupled friends were all fairly promiscuous. We know another couple, but are best friends with them, and that would have been way too close for comfort, especially for my wife who did not carry our child. We wanted someone we knew and trusted and were relatively close with, but who wasn't constantly in the picture. As my wife mentioned, anonymous was not for us. In addition to everything she addressed, at the very least we knew we wanted our child to have the ability to someday know his donor, if he chose to. While many anon donors say they will allow for contact after 18 years, they are free to change their mind at any time, and many do once they've settled down, married, and had kids of their own.

Still, if I were this woman and knew that my asking this huge favor would potentially destroy my friend's marriage, it would absolutely be a no-go. And of course I agree with everyone else that you should under no circumstances do this without your wife's knowledge, and preferably with her consent, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As a wife, I would be fine with my husband donating sperm to a lesbian friend in general. In this situation, absolutely. However, if my husband did it behind my back, I would not be fine with it. If my husband discussed it with me and for whatever reason I was not comfortable with it and told him that I couldn't agree to it, and he did it anyway, it would not be fine.

It sounds like there are larger issues, like the OP's wife being homophobic and the strange gratitude that the OP feels. If I was the organ donating friend, "I'm really sorry, I know that we had a deal, but my wife is really not okay with my donating sperm to anyone" would be a completely acceptable explanation to me. I would not want to be complicit in destroying the marriage of someone I cared enough about to give a kidney (or bit of liver, or whatever) to.

OP, does your friend know that you are now in a situation where it would be a problem to follow through on the agreement?

Strange gratitude? She saved his life quite apart from putting herself at risk.

I can totally understand the gratitude and if someone saved my life through an organ donation, I'd kiss the ground she walked on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a wife I would probably consent to this, and if your wife won't even discuss it I think she is unreasonable. Given the above circumstances I would certainly donate. I know it's not a popular opinion given the previous 8 pages but I consider my friends family and would do anything for them.

I'm a DH here and I came down pretty hard on the OP before. Now that he's provided some context, I do see the complexity and the mitigating nature. I agree it would be entirely unreasonable of his wife to not even discuss it. Given the circumstances, hopefully she'd see it as you do and agree. If her religious objections are so strong that she cannot envision this, or his friendship with a gay person, then I'd say they have a major, fundamental difference of values, and perhaps ought not be married. Ideally her religious values would lead her to see this as an expression of love (and that god is love).

I can understand the people who refuse to consider their spouse being a donor (ie, insist it results in divorce) and feel they have a right to act accordingly, but it seems to me that if the wife knew ahead of time that he had this history, and this promise out there, and still married him (perhaps gambling the bill would never come due), then it's really on her. Did the OP actually tell his wife ahead of time that he'd made this promise?

Ethically tough situation here; there is not an obvious right answer for the OP. I hope the OP's 3rd party can persuade his wife.

[Anonymous]

PP again: The one thing that is ethically clear is that the OP cannot do this without telling his wife, but it sounds like he's already started that process.

[Anonymous]

I cannot help but think of this passage that Wilde penned when he was at Reading jail. This is not a comment on Wilde's lifestyle or his conviction but his profound
observation about human interaction.

“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

? Oscar Wilde, The Ballad Of Reading Gaol

[Anonymous]

Just a thought, maybe next time start with the whole giving an organ thing since ya know, it's kid of very important for the context. Now we see why it's a big deal and such a hard choice for you, good luck.