Would you view this to be a breach of trust?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you feel pretty strongly about it. I think rather than trying to find a way to do it behind your wife's back I would work on getting your wife on board with the idea. Slowly, letting her ask whatever she needs to ask and then sitting with it, etc. I think that's the only way for this to work.

I feel a very strong obligation to help my friend. I also don't want to irretrievably destroy my marriage. I am conflicted.

Where does this sense of obligation to your friend come from?

Very legitimate points have been made and not things that I have not thought about. I briefly touched on why I feel obligated to my friend and I will elaborate on this later when I have a few minutes.

Yes, I am very likely going to go through with this; the only issue for me was whether to do it without telling my wife or to be upfront with her. Your responses have convinced me that I must be candid with her. But it will be a fait accompli because irrespective of her views I will proceed to do so and live with the consequences. When I elaborate on a little of the background some may see where I am coming from and others will not.

The purpose of my original post was to take the easy way out and not hurt my wife. I was wrong in that regard and to that extent the comments - even those that were highly critical - were helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you feel pretty strongly about it. I think rather than trying to find a way to do it behind your wife's back I would work on getting your wife on board with the idea. Slowly, letting her ask whatever she needs to ask and then sitting with it, etc. I think that's the only way for this to work.

I feel a very strong obligation to help my friend. I also don't want to irretrievably destroy my marriage. I am conflicted.

Where does this sense of obligation to your friend come from?

Very legitimate points have been made and not things that I have not thought about. I briefly touched on why I feel obligated to my friend and I will elaborate on this later when I have a few minutes.

Yes, I am very likely going to go through with this; the only issue for me was whether to do it without telling my wife or to be upfront with her. Your responses have convinced me that I must be candid with her. But it will be a fait accompli because irrespective of her views I will proceed to do so and live with the consequences. When I elaborate on a little of the background some may see where I am coming from and others will not.

The purpose of my original post was to take the easy way out and not hurt my wife. I was wrong in that regard and to that extent the comments - even those that were highly critical - were helpful.

Wow. OP, I was one of the posters who said I would be okay with my husband doing this, but I cannot imagine an explanation that would make you not look like an asshole in this situation. Please tell your wife that you care more about this woman than you do about the woman you married so that she can meet and marry someone who will respect her.

[Anonymous]

Is there any circumstance in which a sperm donation can be justified against the wishes of one's spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any circumstance in which a sperm donation can be justified against the wishes of one's spouse?

The OP thinks so. But he also thought that it wouldn't be a big deal if he just didn't tell his wife. I wonder what else he thinks isn't a big deal if she doesn't know about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any circumstance in which a sperm donation can be justified against the wishes of one's spouse?

As someone with a donor-conceived child: no! You owe it to your wife to be honest with her, but you also owe it to your potential future offspring. It's hard enough to be donor conceived without having some crazy backstory about how your mom pressured some married dude to give up his sperm, and he lied to his wife to do so. I can't believe this woman would pressure you, but this is a total shitshow and I hope you will come to your senses and decline to be part of this. Talk to a counselor/clergy/trusted friend who isn't crazy and see what they have to say.

[Anonymous]

OP, look at it this way. You say your friend helped you through a traumatic time. This is a gift that she gave you. But theoretically her goal was for you to come out on the other side, yes? Whether this was addition, death of a family member, mental illness, not our business. She would've wanted you to move forward and be functional, yes? So be that. Functional people don't make a unilateral decision in their marriage that will dramatically affect both parties. The money doesn't matter. The sexual orientation of the potential sperm recipient doesn't matter. An action of this magnitude without your wife's consent (or worse, without her knowledge) will end your marriage.

Your friend woudn't want that for you, right? So don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Does your friend know you'd be going behind your wife's back? Or against her wishes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you feel pretty strongly about it. I think rather than trying to find a way to do it behind your wife's back I would work on getting your wife on board with the idea. Slowly, letting her ask whatever she needs to ask and then sitting with it, etc. I think that's the only way for this to work.

I feel a very strong obligation to help my friend. I also don't want to irretrievably destroy my marriage. I am conflicted.

Why does it have to be YOUR sperm? You are talking about this like you are her only option. As others have mentioned, there are sperm banks. There is adoption. I'm guessing if she is so awesome she probably has other male friends, some of whom may not have spouses who might object. There are also childless people who live completely fulfilling lives. I'm not saying your friend shouldn't be a parent, but to put ALL the onus on you for her (whether that's her implying it, or you for believing it) becoming one is ridiculous. It's not like she needs a kidney to live and you are the only matching donor available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you feel pretty strongly about it. I think rather than trying to find a way to do it behind your wife's back I would work on getting your wife on board with the idea. Slowly, letting her ask whatever she needs to ask and then sitting with it, etc. I think that's the only way for this to work.

I feel a very strong obligation to help my friend. I also don't want to irretrievably destroy my marriage. I am conflicted.

Where does this sense of obligation to your friend come from?

Very legitimate points have been made and not things that I have not thought about. I briefly touched on why I feel obligated to my friend and I will elaborate on this later when I have a few minutes.

Yes, I am very likely going to go through with this; the only issue for me was whether to do it without telling my wife or to be upfront with her. Your responses have convinced me that I must be candid with her. But it will be a fait accompli because irrespective of her views I will proceed to do so and live with the consequences. When I elaborate on a little of the background some may see where I am coming from and others will not.

The purpose of my original post was to take the easy way out and not hurt my wife. I was wrong in that regard and to that extent the comments - even those that were highly critical - were helpful.

OP, you are acting like a jackass. You want to give this woman your sperm, fine, that's your call. But at least be man enough to be honest with your wife that you don't care enough about her or the marriage for it to be a consideration, and ask for a divorce. Don't just put this "fait accompli" in front of her and then make her do your dirty work of being the one to initiate the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you feel pretty strongly about it. I think rather than trying to find a way to do it behind your wife's back I would work on getting your wife on board with the idea. Slowly, letting her ask whatever she needs to ask and then sitting with it, etc. I think that's the only way for this to work.

I feel a very strong obligation to help my friend. I also don't want to irretrievably destroy my marriage. I am conflicted.

Where does this sense of obligation to your friend come from?

Very legitimate points have been made and not things that I have not thought about. I briefly touched on why I feel obligated to my friend and I will elaborate on this later when I have a few minutes.

Yes, I am very likely going to go through with this; the only issue for me was whether to do it without telling my wife or to be upfront with her. Your responses have convinced me that I must be candid with her. But it will be a fait accompli because irrespective of her views I will proceed to do so and live with the consequences. When I elaborate on a little of the background some may see where I am coming from and others will not.

The purpose of my original post was to take the easy way out and not hurt my wife. I was wrong in that regard and to that extent the comments - even those that were highly critical - were helpful.

OP, you are acting like a jackass. You want to give this woman your sperm, fine, that's your call. But at least be man enough to be honest with your wife that you don't care enough about her or the marriage for it to be a consideration, and ask for a divorce. Don't just put this "fait accompli" in front of her and then make her do your dirty work of being the one to initiate the divorce.

No, you are the one who is a jackass. You are effectively telling OP to inform his wife that because he is going to donate his sperm against her wishes he feels that he must initiate an action to divorce her. This would be idiotic and callous ........ and I am someone who disagrees with OP's priorities. It is OP's wife's call whether she wishes to stay in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you feel pretty strongly about it. I think rather than trying to find a way to do it behind your wife's back I would work on getting your wife on board with the idea. Slowly, letting her ask whatever she needs to ask and then sitting with it, etc. I think that's the only way for this to work.

I feel a very strong obligation to help my friend. I also don't want to irretrievably destroy my marriage. I am conflicted.

Where does this sense of obligation to your friend come from?

Very legitimate points have been made and not things that I have not thought about. I briefly touched on why I feel obligated to my friend and I will elaborate on this later when I have a few minutes.

Yes, I am very likely going to go through with this; the only issue for me was whether to do it without telling my wife or to be upfront with her. Your responses have convinced me that I must be candid with her. But it will be a fait accompli because irrespective of her views I will proceed to do so and live with the consequences. When I elaborate on a little of the background some may see where I am coming from and others will not.

The purpose of my original post was to take the easy way out and not hurt my wife. I was wrong in that regard and to that extent the comments - even those that were highly critical - were helpful.

OP, you are acting like a jackass. You want to give this woman your sperm, fine, that's your call. But at least be man enough to be honest with your wife that you don't care enough about her or the marriage for it to be a consideration, and ask for a divorce. Don't just put this "fait accompli" in front of her and then make her do your dirty work of being the one to initiate the divorce.

No, you are the one who is a jackass. You are effectively telling OP to inform his wife that because he is going to donate his sperm against her wishes he feels that he must initiate an action to divorce her. This would be idiotic and callous ........ and I am someone who disagrees with OP's priorities. It is OP's wife's call whether she wishes to stay in the marriage.

OP knows his wife will be completely opposed to this, and he's going to do it anyway even though there is zero obligation or need for him to do it (she has plenty of other options for getting sperm). And it's not like we're talking about going to a baseball game, it's creating a child, with all of the obligations that come with it. Anyone who would do this to his wife clearly doesn't truly love her. I'm sure he has his reasons for wanting to keep the marriage, but it's not love or he wouldn't betray her like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you feel pretty strongly about it. I think rather than trying to find a way to do it behind your wife's back I would work on getting your wife on board with the idea. Slowly, letting her ask whatever she needs to ask and then sitting with it, etc. I think that's the only way for this to work.

I feel a very strong obligation to help my friend. I also don't want to irretrievably destroy my marriage. I am conflicted.

Where does this sense of obligation to your friend come from?

Very legitimate points have been made and not things that I have not thought about. I briefly touched on why I feel obligated to my friend and I will elaborate on this later when I have a few minutes.

Yes, I am very likely going to go through with this; the only issue for me was whether to do it without telling my wife or to be upfront with her. Your responses have convinced me that I must be candid with her. But it will be a fait accompli because irrespective of her views I will proceed to do so and live with the consequences. When I elaborate on a little of the background some may see where I am coming from and others will not.

The purpose of my original post was to take the easy way out and not hurt my wife. I was wrong in that regard and to that extent the comments - even those that were highly critical - were helpful.

OP, you are acting like a jackass. You want to give this woman your sperm, fine, that's your call. But at least be man enough to be honest with your wife that you don't care enough about her or the marriage for it to be a consideration, and ask for a divorce. Don't just put this "fait accompli" in front of her and then make her do your dirty work of being the one to initiate the divorce.

No, you are the one who is a jackass. You are effectively telling OP to inform his wife that because he is going to donate his sperm against her wishes he feels that he must initiate an action to divorce her. This would be idiotic and callous ........ and I am someone who disagrees with OP's priorities. It is OP's wife's call whether she wishes to stay in the marriage.

OP knows his wife will be completely opposed to this, and he's going to do it anyway even though there is zero obligation or need for him to do it (she has plenty of other options for getting sperm). And it's not like we're talking about going to a baseball game, it's creating a child, with all of the obligations that come with it. Anyone who would do this to his wife clearly doesn't truly love her. I'm sure he has his reasons for wanting to keep the marriage, but it's not love or he wouldn't betray her like this.

I don't know whether OP loves his wife or not. He clearly has divided loyalties but nonetheless it is his wife who should be the one to decide whether she wants to stay in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

The ones I also feel sorry for are DHs kids, who will have half-siblings out there from a close personal friend and not know it. It's going to be weird when they figure it out some day, especially if they figure out that their mother was opposed.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't have magic sperm. However, you do possess a huge ego. The woman can get her sperm elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

What kind of "friend" asks a married man to father her child, let alone pressures him into it at the possible cost of his marriage?

Personally, I'd rather have an enemy.