Not ready to become exclusive

[Anonymous]

Op, it sounds like marriage hurt you and your building elaborate defense systems to make sure you don’t get hurt or dumped again. There is no way to do that.

You’re clearly trying to say “you’re good enough for now but I’ll hold out hopes of finding someone better while getting my needs met”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you tell him. Simple conversation

Before this goes any further, I just want to be sure you know that I am not ready to be exclusive right now. I am still dating other people. I am not looking for a sexually exclusive relationship. I like you and spending time with you but I just want to be sure you know that I am only looking for casual for now.

Then he can decide if he is in or out.

Did you even read what I wrote ? I am interested in sexual exclusivity with him , but he of course can go out and meet other women. I have enough data in my hands to trust he won’t sleep around: he’s very mono and concerned in that sense.

That doesn't really make sense - who are these other men you are going to date who know up front you aren't interested in this every becoming a relationship or anything sexual? You just want to use other men for what? Get them to buy you dinners? Where are you going to find men who want to date casually knowing it will go nowhere?

It isn't that hard to be honest. Tell the guy you are seeing what you want and don't want and what you plan to do and not do and let him decide if he is in or out.

My dating is limited to a very few, and even out of those it’s usually just chatting and one coffee date, or business cards exchange and a brunch somewhere inexpensive where I always offer to split the check. If I start going out with someone else periodically that would mean I’m very interested. I don’t allow anyone break the bank at the early weeks of dating. A lot of men have different arrangements already to address their sexual needs, and are still looking.

[Anonymous]

The “men” in the situations purportedly don’t call them “exclusive sexual relationships”. They’re just FWB. You want sexual exclusivity and emotional vulnerability while still openly shopping for better.

As long as you’re honest about it great. But you’re clearly staggering under the weight of your “timeline” and your demands. You can’t ensure not getting hurt again Op

[Anonymous]

The “men” in the situations purportedly don’t call them “exclusive sexual relationships”. They’re just FWB. You want sexual exclusivity and emotional vulnerability while still openly shopping for better.

This. OP you want to have sex with this single Dad and date others. What is the point of that except to keep looking for a better option and bail once you find it? And that's OK! You don't need anyone's permission. You do need to be honest, and the fact that you're struggling with this at all tells me you're trying to squirm out of that responsibility. Ethically, you can't. You seem to want to have a special category carved out for what you're doing, which is no different than labeling this guy "Mr. Right Now", except to say he can't sleep with others, wants to date you, you don't want to date just him, but you'll only sleep with him.

I mean, damn lady. I tell my daughter "worry about yourself", let others worry about themselves. That's the kiddie version of teaching her you can't control other people's choices. Be upfront about your plan, but for the love of Pete give this man the info he'll need to do *exactly* what you're doing, which is make the choice that's right for him (fwiw, the fact that you're involving a Dad with a young kid in this is pretty ick. You guys are *not* at the same life stage).

[Anonymous]

She’s trying to control things and ensure she ends up with “what she deserves” this time after getting hurt - but can’t admit that for all her plans and schemes and “value” she’s presented through her lifestyle and virtue signaling- her only current option is a divorced guy with a young kid.

OP you may need to realign your self assessment based on what current market value seems to be signaling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to control things and ensure she ends up with “what she deserves” this time after getting hurt - but can’t admit that for all her plans and schemes and “value” she’s presented through her lifestyle and virtue signaling- her only current option is a divorced guy with a young kid.

OP you may need to realign your self assessment based on what current market value seems to be signaling.

OP here - I’m actually meeting plenty of childless men in their 40s. Just haven’t met the one I would be equally attracted to. This is one of the reasons I’m wary going into this current situation with the single dad. He has a child, I already met his friends, and it just makes the whole thing more ethically difficult for me to navigate. I do realize the moral responsibility for giving him a sense of relationship, with all other life commitments that he has.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to control things and ensure she ends up with “what she deserves” this time after getting hurt - but can’t admit that for all her plans and schemes and “value” she’s presented through her lifestyle and virtue signaling- her only current option is a divorced guy with a young kid.

OP you may need to realign your self assessment based on what current market value seems to be signaling.

OP here - I’m actually meeting plenty of childless men in their 40s. Just haven’t met the one I would be equally attracted to. This is one of the reasons I’m wary going into this current situation with the single dad. He has a child, I already met his friends, and it just makes the whole thing more ethically difficult for me to navigate. I do realize the moral responsibility for giving him a sense of relationship, with all other life commitments that he has.

Op, as long as you are honest, I won’t give you a hard about the morals of anything you are doing.

But you do strike me as quite a drama queen. If you don’t want to be a step mother but want to share house in a couple years, why would you even entertain dating a guy with young kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you tell him. Simple conversation

Before this goes any further, I just want to be sure you know that I am not ready to be exclusive right now. I am still dating other people. I am not looking for a sexually exclusive relationship. I like you and spending time with you but I just want to be sure you know that I am only looking for casual for now.

Then he can decide if he is in or out.

Did you even read what I wrote ? I am interested in sexual exclusivity with him , but he of course can go out and meet other women. I have enough data in my hands to trust he won’t sleep around: he’s very mono and concerned in that sense.

OP, you have way too much time on your hands if you’re monitoring this thread and replying to posts less than 5 minutes after they’ve published. Shouldn’t you be prepping for all the “simple coffee dates” you have lined up with all these eligible childless 40 something men who are just gagging to be with you?

[Anonymous]

So you have the option of many childless men but choose this dad who wants differently, while not being emotionally exclusive and demanding sexual exclusivity?

Sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to control things and ensure she ends up with “what she deserves” this time after getting hurt - but can’t admit that for all her plans and schemes and “value” she’s presented through her lifestyle and virtue signaling- her only current option is a divorced guy with a young kid.

OP you may need to realign your self assessment based on what current market value seems to be signaling.

OP here - I’m actually meeting plenty of childless men in their 40s. Just haven’t met the one I would be equally attracted to. This is one of the reasons I’m wary going into this current situation with the single dad. He has a child, I already met his friends, and it just makes the whole thing more ethically difficult for me to navigate. I do realize the moral responsibility for giving him a sense of relationship, with all other life commitments that he has.

Op, as long as you are honest, I won’t give you a hard about the morals of anything you are doing.

But you do strike me as quite a drama queen. If you don’t want to be a step mother but want to share house in a couple years, why would you even entertain dating a guy with young kids?

We parted ways originally (partly because of the reasons above - I wanted to keep dating). But then he reconnected and pursued me, it started feeling right when he’s around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you have the option of many childless men but choose this dad who wants differently, while not being emotionally exclusive and demanding sexual exclusivity?

Sure.

There are many empty nesters men, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you tell him. Simple conversation

Before this goes any further, I just want to be sure you know that I am not ready to be exclusive right now. I am still dating other people. I am not looking for a sexually exclusive relationship. I like you and spending time with you but I just want to be sure you know that I am only looking for casual for now.

Then he can decide if he is in or out.

Did you even read what I wrote ? I am interested in sexual exclusivity with him , but he of course can go out and meet other women. I have enough data in my hands to trust he won’t sleep around: he’s very mono and concerned in that sense.

OP, you have way too much time on your hands if you’re monitoring this thread and replying to posts less than 5 minutes after they’ve published. Shouldn’t you be prepping for all the “simple coffee dates” you have lined up with all these eligible childless 40 something men who are just gagging to be with you?

I’m a busy bee

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to control things and ensure she ends up with “what she deserves” this time after getting hurt - but can’t admit that for all her plans and schemes and “value” she’s presented through her lifestyle and virtue signaling- her only current option is a divorced guy with a young kid.

OP you may need to realign your self assessment based on what current market value seems to be signaling.

OP here - I’m actually meeting plenty of childless men in their 40s. Just haven’t met the one I would be equally attracted to. This is one of the reasons I’m wary going into this current situation with the single dad. He has a child, I already met his friends, and it just makes the whole thing more ethically difficult for me to navigate. I do realize the moral responsibility for giving him a sense of relationship, with all other life commitments that he has.

Op, as long as you are honest, I won’t give you a hard about the morals of anything you are doing.

But you do strike me as quite a drama queen. If you don’t want to be a step mother but want to share house in a couple years, why would you even entertain dating a guy with young kids?

We parted ways originally (partly because of the reasons above - I wanted to keep dating). But then he reconnected and pursued me, it started feeling right when he’s around

You didn’t mention that you dated before. Have you slept with him? Again- reassess your market value if this is the best you can pull.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to control things and ensure she ends up with “what she deserves” this time after getting hurt - but can’t admit that for all her plans and schemes and “value” she’s presented through her lifestyle and virtue signaling- her only current option is a divorced guy with a young kid.

OP you may need to realign your self assessment based on what current market value seems to be signaling.

OP here - I’m actually meeting plenty of childless men in their 40s. Just haven’t met the one I would be equally attracted to. This is one of the reasons I’m wary going into this current situation with the single dad. He has a child, I already met his friends, and it just makes the whole thing more ethically difficult for me to navigate. I do realize the moral responsibility for giving him a sense of relationship, with all other life commitments that he has.

Op, as long as you are honest, I won’t give you a hard about the morals of anything you are doing.

But you do strike me as quite a drama queen. If you don’t want to be a step mother but want to share house in a couple years, why would you even entertain dating a guy with young kids?

We parted ways originally (partly because of the reasons above - I wanted to keep dating). But then he reconnected and pursued me, it started feeling right when he’s around

You didn’t mention that you dated before. Have you slept with him? Again- reassess your market value if this is the best you can pull.

We went out for couple dates, didn't "date". I get you are set on assigning market values etc., and appreciate your concern. The fact I have an ongoing demand from empty nesters or childless men within 5 years of my own age gives me a good understanding of my options. My previous relationship was with an empty nester 50yo man with grad degree and all the boxes checked. But human feelings is not the same thing as checking out the boxes.

[Anonymous]

Yet you’re continuing to lay out precise “boxes” for who you will commit to.

If you have so many options, I’d definitely go explore them rather than defend myself on here or ruin a nice friendship with a guy who rejected you previously and now circling back around. He doesn’t fit your boxes.