Not ready to become exclusive

[Anonymous]

F here, dating a little over a year after a long marriage and divorce. Initially I was looking for a long term partner, but after some time on the apps I realized that dating on its own brings me a lot of joy and self-reflection of what I'm looking for in a relationship. I don't sleep around (didn't really date in my 20s before I got married). But I enjoy company of different men and won't pass on offers of dates with those I'm really attracted to, even if I'm sleeping with someone else already.

There is someone touching base if I'm seeing others, and I told him yes I do date others, too. He has a younger child, it will be separate households situation for a while. I see no point in stopping seeing others, since co-habilitation is not in the cards. I don't want to commit to anything if we are not really partners in day to day life. I feel like I owe it to myself to meet different people, enjoy the sex and social aspects of dating, and eventually meet someone who can offer me a real partnership.

We haven't slept yet, and I do want to try. In practical terms, I would spend some weekends with him and some with others (non-sexually but I don't want to stop going out socially with others or remove profile from the apps).

Shall I tell this about my dating intentions with him upfront and honestly, or since he's not pressuring too much on exclusivity and we are not there, to hold on this conversation until after?

[Anonymous]

Yes you should make sure he understands you are only interested in sex. He may not fully grasp that just because you're not exclusive. He may decide he doesn't want to have you around his child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes you should make sure he understands you are only interested in sex. He may not fully grasp that just because you're not exclusive. He may decide he doesn't want to have you around his child.

You didn't understand what I said. No interest to be introduced to his child or relatives. I also wouldn't sleep with him and someone else in parallel, and I don't only want him for sex. He's a very decent, successful and smart man. I just enjoy company of other attractive men, too, and want to keep my options open. My dating style is to see someone for a few months, then move to next person until I meet someone who matches me both in attraction level and where we are in life. I want to have a joint house with a partner, not blend families with anyone who has children, and I want that sooner than later. The wait with this person would be just too long, I don't see that working out for me long term

[Anonymous]

You said you would go on dates with others even if already sleeping with one man. You said one weekend with one man and another weekend with another man. So sounds like you would have sex in parallel, or do you define parallel as within 24hrs?

And this is why STD rate is increasing in those 55+.

If he's asking whether you are seeing others, then you should be honest. Otherwise, you would have to account for what you are doing when MIA.

[Anonymous]

Tell him before you sleep with him. You do you, OP, just be forthright about it.

[Anonymous]

You make no sense. Sorry. If you don't want to be exclusive because they're not the right fit, just say so. But you're just dancing around being coy. It's not cute.

[Anonymous]

You're right I don't understand what you're saying. You don't want someone with children and you don't see it working out with this person. But you want it to work out with someone sooner than later. So what in the world are you doing with him other than sex and sippin wine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said you would go on dates with others even if already sleeping with one man. You said one weekend with one man and another weekend with another man. So sounds like you would have sex in parallel, or do you define parallel as within 24hrs?

And this is why STD rate is increasing in those 55+.

If he's asking whether you are seeing others, then you should be honest. Otherwise, you would have to account for what you are doing when MIA.

I'm not in that age group, but thank you my panel is clear, body count under 10. No I meant only going out socially/dating others and maintaining my status as a single person. I'm getting asked out by several men every week, both from RL and the apps. They invite me, I invite them, we go dancing, night bars, movies, meetups, hikes, museums etc. I split checks and just enjoy going out and party. Some later become professional connections others romantic but I never went beyond kissing. I don't want one man to control and put tabs on me whereby he cannot offer everything I need at this stage in life. I usually date one for a few months, then meet someone who seems to be a better match and move on.

[Anonymous]

I would just be upfront now. If the roles were reversed wouldn’t you want to know?

[Anonymous]

Before I married I also did not seriously consider anyone as partner who had kids. I met a number of single fathers who were ready to get serious quickly, as dating parents often do. I think letting this man know that he will never be partner material in your eyes is more important than the rest. Time is precious. Don't waste his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're right I don't understand what you're saying. You don't want someone with children and you don't see it working out with this person. But you want it to work out with someone sooner than later. So what in the world are you doing with him other than sex and sippin wine?

I don't want what he wants either: he has a child at home and can't offer me the partnership I want. I don't mind going out with him, sleeping with him exclusively if we are a good fit in that area - TBD (there is a huge wellness component in sex for me), having interesting conversations, enjoying joint hobbies and maybe some short trips out of town. But I want him to understand that if someone else asks me out, I'm officially single and within my right to do so. Until I'm married, I'm a free bird, for any man. I'm only faithful if I want to, and I promised to be exclusive, not because I owe anyone anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right I don't understand what you're saying. You don't want someone with children and you don't see it working out with this person. But you want it to work out with someone sooner than later. So what in the world are you doing with him other than sex and sippin wine?

I don't want what he wants either: he has a child at home and can't offer me the partnership I want. I don't mind going out with him, sleeping with him exclusively if we are a good fit in that area - TBD (there is a huge wellness component in sex for me), having interesting conversations, enjoying joint hobbies and maybe some short trips out of town. But I want him to understand that if someone else asks me out, I'm officially single and within my right to do so. Until I'm married, I'm a free bird, for any man. I'm only faithful if I want to, and I promised to be exclusive, not because I owe anyone anything.

You're silly. Grow up. You're not that original or avant guarde.

[Anonymous]

I get you OP. I would want the same once I’m finally divorced.

You should be upfront with him though. That you’re exclusively sleeping with him but still dating others. Don’t be like these loser men that date and sleep around without being honest to the women they’re with.

[Anonymous]

I would just tell him what you told us, OP. Be kind but honest and see where it goes from there.

FWIW, what you're describing is what I want as well. Maybe one person I'm sleeping with but still open to dating. If I find someone else I'd rather be sleeping with, I'd end it with the other person. Ideally I wouldn't be sleeping with anyone until I got to know them very well -- I have a longtime FWB who I'm not quite ready to give up (but would for the right person), so am in no rush for sex with others at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just be upfront now. If the roles were reversed wouldn’t you want to know?

Yes, that's what I'm leaning towards. Telling him I don't mind having sex and will maintain exclusivity in that particular area. But will continue going out with others, so this relationship by default has an expiration date. He can't make his child grow faster, or adjust to my stage in life that fast.