Not ready to become exclusive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right I don't understand what you're saying. You don't want someone with children and you don't see it working out with this person. But you want it to work out with someone sooner than later. So what in the world are you doing with him other than sex and sippin wine?

I don't want what he wants either: he has a child at home and can't offer me the partnership I want. I don't mind going out with him, sleeping with him exclusively if we are a good fit in that area - TBD (there is a huge wellness component in sex for me), having interesting conversations, enjoying joint hobbies and maybe some short trips out of town. But I want him to understand that if someone else asks me out, I'm officially single and within my right to do so. Until I'm married, I'm a free bird, for any man. I'm only faithful if I want to, and I promised to be exclusive, not because I owe anyone anything.

I posted earlier that you should not waste his time, but your response here brings the thread about conservative women to mind. The situation you have described sounds optimal, but the problem is that very few high-status (well-educated, intelligent, reasonably attractive/fit, higher-earning) men are willing to accept it. They tend to invest time and energy -- the truly scarce resources in their set -- in good relationship bets. For certifiably gorgeous, nubile women they may make an exception, but generally not. It is clear that you are at least quite pretty, but almost no high-status man is going to obligingly accept a relationship under these conditions because your position is stronger than his given the limitless demand among his competitors for time with an attractive, young woman. High-status men do not like to put themselves at a disadvantage in an intimate relationship. As you have experienced, it is absurdly easy for you to meet a man for nearly any purpose. Unless this man possesses otherworldly wealth, it's far more difficult for him to meet and (gain sexual access to) women he would consider attractive. From his point of view, why would it make sense to pour effort into someone who can so easily (and, is in fact actively seeking) to upgrade to a better, unencumbered version of him?

Because he wants to bed me, to take me out to social events in his business, chat about everything, have nice intellectual video calls with a pretty woman when his child is at home. Because he has no time to keep looking, with all the life comittments, and was attracted to very few women from the apps mostly archiving everyone. He says he will quit OLD if it doesn't work out with me. And I don't want to hurt him and say that I already don't see it as long term bet for me, as I don't want to wait several years for him to become an empty nester when we can move in.

I do want to sleep with him (and kind of feel ethical pressure to be intimate, as it's been a few months we started seeing each other, he courted me beautifully). But I'm just worried it would be even more hurtful if I first sleep and then tell him all of it after. Or move on in a few months, anyway, like I usually do.

“courted me beautifully”?

OP you are very weird. Or a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the info that would be relevant to him:

I don’t see myself in a longterm relationship with someone who has a young child: I’m looking for a longterm partner to share a residence with but I don’t want to co parent

However I am open to a shorter term relationship if there is chemistry, and I’m willing to be sexually exclusive with the understanding that I would still go on dates that don’t involve sex.

Thank you: do I say that before we sleep ? (Maybe there is no chemistry…)

Then leave out the chemistry part. I'm curious why you are making this so difficult. Just be upfront on your views.

[Anonymous]

I think you tell him this- that you are only sleeping with him but you are keeping your options open otherwise. It could go either way- either he is completely captivated by you being not quite available or he gets super insecure about it.

[Anonymous]

This is having a FWB. Tell him you are only seeking casual arrangements and don't see this going farther. He will probably bolt, because men don't like it when a woman does what they always do, but at least you were honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP,

Despite all the criticism you are getting, you should know that many men and women both feel the way you do and do stuff like what you want to do.

Just be honest.

I'm starting to feel like OP is looking for a way not to be honest because she thinks he won't sleep with her then and she wants that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP,

Despite all the criticism you are getting, you should know that many men and women both feel the way you do and do stuff like what you want to do.

Just be honest.

I'm starting to feel like OP is looking for a way not to be honest because she thinks he won't sleep with her then and she wants that.

+1

[Anonymous]

Ethical non monogamy.

“I like you, I think we have chemistry. I enjoy spending time together casually. I would like a physical relationship with you, but I’m not interested in sleeping with a person that is sleeping with others. Would you be comfortable with a sexually exclusive relationship with the understanding that socially, we’re non monogamous?”

Ask, be VERY clear. Respect what he says. I don’t think the “we have no future” is even worth saying because…life comes at you fast and while you may think that today…how you feel may shift and change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ethical non monogamy.

“I like you, I think we have chemistry. I enjoy spending time together casually. I would like a physical relationship with you, but I’m not interested in sleeping with a person that is sleeping with others. Would you be comfortable with a sexually exclusive relationship with the understanding that socially, we’re non monogamous?”

Ask, be VERY clear. Respect what he says. I don’t think the “we have no future” is even worth saying because…life comes at you fast and while you may think that today…how you feel may shift and change.

Thank you ! I am not sure if I can verbalize it - shall I send it in writing ? Offer that if it turns out we really like each other we can re-evaluate the relationship later ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is having a FWB. Tell him you are only seeking casual arrangements and don't see this going farther. He will probably bolt, because men don't like it when a woman does what they always do, but at least you were honest.

OP here - it’s not a casual relationship already. We talk and text several times a day, about lives, careers, music etc. But he knows I’m still dating others and on the apps (I told him I understand he can do the same). I just don’t feel like the level of practical commitment he can offer given his work and parenting restrains is what I need

[Anonymous]

Op you sound like you want to sleep around but don’t want to tell him because then he might not want to join the other notches on your bedpost.

I personally can think of few things that would repulse me more than having a guy who was with someone else the night or week before.

Would be a hard no for me and I would imagine there are many many guys out there who don’t want to share that part of you either. It’s just gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is having a FWB. Tell him you are only seeking casual arrangements and don't see this going farther. He will probably bolt, because men don't like it when a woman does what they always do, but at least you were honest.

OP here - it’s not a casual relationship already. We talk and text several times a day, about lives, careers, music etc. But he knows I’m still dating others and on the apps (I told him I understand he can do the same). I just don’t feel like the level of practical commitment he can offer given his work and parenting restrains is what I need

So you tell him that and then MOVE ON, OP.
You don’t just shrug and keep f#*%ing him until you find someone who can give you a stronger commitment! That is….unless he says “cool I’m down with being your ‘until something better comes along’’ guy!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before I married I also did not seriously consider anyone as partner who had kids. I met a number of single fathers who were ready to get serious quickly, as dating parents often do. I think letting this man know that he will never be partner material in your eyes is more important than the rest. Time is precious. Don't waste his.

Are dating fathers just looking for replacement mothers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right I don't understand what you're saying. You don't want someone with children and you don't see it working out with this person. But you want it to work out with someone sooner than later. So what in the world are you doing with him other than sex and sippin wine?

I don't want what he wants either: he has a child at home and can't offer me the partnership I want. I don't mind going out with him, sleeping with him exclusively if we are a good fit in that area - TBD (there is a huge wellness component in sex for me), having interesting conversations, enjoying joint hobbies and maybe some short trips out of town. But I want him to understand that if someone else asks me out, I'm officially single and within my right to do so. Until I'm married, I'm a free bird, for any man. I'm only faithful if I want to, and I promised to be exclusive, not because I owe anyone anything.

OP you are confusing. You should say you're not looking for anything serious and not ready to settle down, but you enjoy his company. That's the only fair, decent thing to do. If he likes it, he'll take it, but he may decide that's not what he wants, which is also fair and you both can move on.

But you also might look into open relationships or polyamory - you basically are insisting that's the lifestyle you want but not calling it that.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, if you had any integrity and were actually a decent person, you'd be upfront and honest about what you want and give this guy the choice to take it or leave it.

[Anonymous]

How old are you?