Not ready to become exclusive

[Anonymous]

Yes, adults should all be very open about what they want. That way if the other person is fine with it. Great, you have two happy people who both are clear on the arrangement.

And if they are not, then they can choose to end it and not feel used, taken advantage of, lied to, deceived etc.

Everyone should be completely clear with what they want. If it is sex, money, companionship etc. and if it is closed or open or whatever you want to do. All parties involved should have a good understanding of any situationship or relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be honest with yourself and him. You want an exclusive F buddy. You’ll sleep with him but date other and he can date others but you want him to only sleep with you. You remind me so much of a good friend of mine who treated and treats dating exactly like you do. She’s been single for over ten years and she’s miserable. She’s incredibly attractive though, so she still gets asked out frequently by different men. But she is incredibly unrealistic.

I think you should just make your profile clear that you want someone to have sex with exclusively but if they aren’t everything you’re looking for in a partner you’re going to continue to ho around.

OP here - but I am not miserable I’m happy single and with my lifestyle.

Which is fine.

But generally, a smart, successful, handsome single father who takes parenting seriously is not going to want to waste his valuable time with a kind of/sort of/maybe/doesn't know what she wants/but wants to fool around while seeing other men kind of woman. He will have no interest in becoming emotionally invested with a woman who really wants to keep dating lots of other men.

So let him go.

If you are an attractive divorced woman who wants to casually date for the foreseeable future, you have a million options. They are lots of men who have no interest in an exclusive relationship. And he too will have lots of options. There are many attractive women who very much want what you don't seem to want - a monogamous relationship with a good man and who aren't scared off by the fact that he has a kid.

You guys aren't compatible. Don't string him along. End it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be honest with yourself and him. You want an exclusive F buddy. You’ll sleep with him but date other and he can date others but you want him to only sleep with you. You remind me so much of a good friend of mine who treated and treats dating exactly like you do. She’s been single for over ten years and she’s miserable. She’s incredibly attractive though, so she still gets asked out frequently by different men. But she is incredibly unrealistic.

I think you should just make your profile clear that you want someone to have sex with exclusively but if they aren’t everything you’re looking for in a partner you’re going to continue to ho around.

OP here - but I am not miserable I’m happy single and with my lifestyle.

My friend was too. About nine years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like someone I know. She's now continuously circling the block because she's not as appealing as she used to be and has already "dated" half of the Pentagon.

I will never understand wanting one of the biggest perks of exclusivity (access to safe sex) without being willing to earn it with all the other things (time, affection, partnership). You want lots of male attention and freedom of movement, but sexual monogamy? It sounds like you're enamored with the idea of having men compete over you but aren't willing to truly take a chance on a relationship. You want the illusion of options without the responsibility of choice. At least when a man has these sorts of delusions he knows that he'll at least need to pick up the tab for dates.

But that’s exactly my point - he wants exclusivity without offering me the real partnership I would want to have. My partner needs to have way more time in their disposal for our relationship to grow; I don’t want to date someone for years and have 2 households. Don’t want to be a step mother either. And I don’t want to waste my time stuck with him for a few years. I wouldn’t mind sleeping with him on mutually exclusive basis and having some quality dates. Sorry if that sounds too calculating. I actually don’t plan to remarry in the forceable future and don’t look for a higher bidder (I’m high NW myself). But I want someone who is on the same page with relationship timeline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t fully understand. But yes, you need to tell him you are looking for sexual exclusivity but don’t see long-term potential and will continue dating in pursuit of a permanent partner. And that when you find someone better-suited, you will be ending things. He deserves to know that there is no end-game - this is temporary dating/sexual exclusivity until you find someone better. It’s only fair.

He may opt out, which is fine - you’re not that invested anyway.

This sounds like the most accurate representation of what you are saying OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right I don't understand what you're saying. You don't want someone with children and you don't see it working out with this person. But you want it to work out with someone sooner than later. So what in the world are you doing with him other than sex and sippin wine?

I don't want what he wants either: he has a child at home and can't offer me the partnership I want. I don't mind going out with him, sleeping with him exclusively if we are a good fit in that area - TBD (there is a huge wellness component in sex for me), having interesting conversations, enjoying joint hobbies and maybe some short trips out of town. But I want him to understand that if someone else asks me out, I'm officially single and within my right to do so. Until I'm married, I'm a free bird, for any man. I'm only faithful if I want to, and I promised to be exclusive, not because I owe anyone anything.

I posted earlier that you should not waste his time, but your response here brings the thread about conservative women to mind. The situation you have described sounds optimal, but the problem is that very few high-status (well-educated, intelligent, reasonably attractive/fit, higher-earning) men are willing to accept it. They tend to invest time and energy -- the truly scarce resources in their set -- in good relationship bets. For certifiably gorgeous, nubile women they may make an exception, but generally not. It is clear that you are at least quite pretty, but almost no high-status man is going to obligingly accept a relationship under these conditions because your position is stronger than his given the limitless demand among his competitors for time with an attractive, young woman. High-status men do not like to put themselves at a disadvantage in an intimate relationship. As you have experienced, it is absurdly easy for you to meet a man for nearly any purpose. Unless this man possesses otherworldly wealth, it's far more difficult for him to meet and (gain sexual access to) women he would consider attractive. From his point of view, why would it make sense to pour effort into someone who can so easily (and, is in fact actively seeking) to upgrade to a better, unencumbered version of him?

Because he wants to bed me, to take me out to social events in his business, chat about everything, have nice intellectual video calls with a pretty woman when his child is at home. Because he has no time to keep looking, with all the life comittments, and was attracted to very few women from the apps mostly archiving everyone. He says he will quit OLD if it doesn't work out with me. And I don't want to hurt him and say that I already don't see it as long term bet for me, as I don't want to wait several years for him to become an empty nester when we can move in.

I do want to sleep with him (and kind of feel ethical pressure to be intimate, as it's been a few months we started seeing each other, he courted me beautifully). But I'm just worried it would be even more hurtful if I first sleep and then tell him all of it after. Or move on in a few months, anyway, like I usually do.

Since you know his intention, of course, you have to be honest here. Otherwise, according to your own posts, you would be hiding information that is important to him to know about your relationship. What is the real question here? If he really wants to keep seeing you anyway as you now suggest above, then I don't really think you would be so conflicted.

[Anonymous]

The kindest thing would be to break it off because you know you are not compatible long-term. So why drag it out? Otherwise, just be honest with him and tell him you want to use him until you move on to the next one. Because that’s what it is. I don’t see the problem.

All of your long-winded explanations of the situation are kind of contradictory. I’m not sure any of us on here can tell you what YOU want. He has made his intentions quite clear. He wants an exclusive relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like someone I know. She's now continuously circling the block because she's not as appealing as she used to be and has already "dated" half of the Pentagon.

I will never understand wanting one of the biggest perks of exclusivity (access to safe sex) without being willing to earn it with all the other things (time, affection, partnership). You want lots of male attention and freedom of movement, but sexual monogamy? It sounds like you're enamored with the idea of having men compete over you but aren't willing to truly take a chance on a relationship. You want the illusion of options without the responsibility of choice. At least when a man has these sorts of delusions he knows that he'll at least need to pick up the tab for dates.

But that’s exactly my point - he wants exclusivity without offering me the real partnership I would want to have. My partner needs to have way more time in their disposal for our relationship to grow; I don’t want to date someone for years and have 2 households. Don’t want to be a step mother either. And I don’t want to waste my time stuck with him for a few years. I wouldn’t mind sleeping with him on mutually exclusive basis and having some quality dates. Sorry if that sounds too calculating. I actually don’t plan to remarry in the forceable future and don’t look for a higher bidder (I’m high NW myself). But I want someone who is on the same page with relationship timeline. [/quote

You haven't said how old you are, OP. At a certain point, the odds of dating a man who is childless get quite low.

[Anonymous]

Here’s the info that would be relevant to him:

I don’t see myself in a longterm relationship with someone who has a young child: I’m looking for a longterm partner to share a residence with but I don’t want to co parent

However I am open to a shorter term relationship if there is chemistry, and I’m willing to be sexually exclusive with the understanding that I would still go on dates that don’t involve sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the info that would be relevant to him:

I don’t see myself in a longterm relationship with someone who has a young child: I’m looking for a longterm partner to share a residence with but I don’t want to co parent

However I am open to a shorter term relationship if there is chemistry, and I’m willing to be sexually exclusive with the understanding that I would still go on dates that don’t involve sex.

Thank you: do I say that before we sleep ? (Maybe there is no chemistry…)

[Anonymous]

How many men have you dated in the last year OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many men have you dated in the last year OP?

I only slept with two guys in 4 years post separation and divorce. Went out socially for a few months with 4 more including this one. Hundreds of evenings for drinks or similar informal second dates where I didn’t pursue the connections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many men have you dated in the last year OP?

I only slept with two guys in 4 years post separation and divorce. Went out socially for a few months with 4 more including this one. Hundreds of evenings for drinks or similar informal second dates where I didn’t pursue the connections.

Well, if you went on that many dates and this one seems to be your best match, let him know. Most people are up for a sexual relationship as long as that expectation is clear.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP,

Despite all the criticism you are getting, you should know that many men and women both feel the way you do and do stuff like what you want to do.

Just be honest.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t commit to any sort of sexual exclusivity before sleeping with someone. Could be terrible.