Not ready to become exclusive

[Anonymous]

I think you might be getting a little ahead of yourself. At this stage, I think you can just tell him that you enjoy his company and would like to keep seeing him, but are not interested in being exclusive.

If he has questions about why, or about timeframes, you can decide if you want to answer them - and he can decide if this is something that he wants to pursue, too.

I don't think you need to tell him that you will never, ever want to settle down with him because he has a kid. Just that you don't see yourself settling down or getting exclusive any time soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you might be getting a little ahead of yourself. At this stage, I think you can just tell him that you enjoy his company and would like to keep seeing him, but are not interested in being exclusive.

If he has questions about why, or about timeframes, you can decide if you want to answer them - and he can decide if this is something that he wants to pursue, too.

I don't think you need to tell him that you will never, ever want to settle down with him because he has a kid. Just that you don't see yourself settling down or getting exclusive any time soon.

But I would be sexually exclusive with him and would want us to exchange STD panels. I do test after each partner, and dont want to sleep in parallel with someone who sleeps with others in parallel. I don't mind him going out with other women socially, of course but I would need "heads up" if he wants to sleep with someone else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right I don't understand what you're saying. You don't want someone with children and you don't see it working out with this person. But you want it to work out with someone sooner than later. So what in the world are you doing with him other than sex and sippin wine?

I don't want what he wants either: he has a child at home and can't offer me the partnership I want. I don't mind going out with him, sleeping with him exclusively if we are a good fit in that area - TBD (there is a huge wellness component in sex for me), having interesting conversations, enjoying joint hobbies and maybe some short trips out of town. But I want him to understand that if someone else asks me out, I'm officially single and within my right to do so. Until I'm married, I'm a free bird, for any man. I'm only faithful if I want to, and I promised to be exclusive, not because I owe anyone anything.

I posted earlier that you should not waste his time, but your response here brings the thread about conservative women to mind. The situation you have described sounds optimal, but the problem is that very few high-status (well-educated, intelligent, reasonably attractive/fit, higher-earning) men are willing to accept it. They tend to invest time and energy -- the truly scarce resources in their set -- in good relationship bets. For certifiably gorgeous, nubile women they may make an exception, but generally not. It is clear that you are at least quite pretty, but almost no high-status man is going to obligingly accept a relationship under these conditions because your position is stronger than his given the limitless demand among his competitors for time with an attractive, young woman. High-status men do not like to put themselves at a disadvantage in an intimate relationship. As you have experienced, it is absurdly easy for you to meet a man for nearly any purpose. Unless this man possesses otherworldly wealth, it's far more difficult for him to meet and (gain sexual access to) women he would consider attractive. From his point of view, why would it make sense to pour effort into someone who can so easily (and, is in fact actively seeking) to upgrade to a better, unencumbered version of him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:F here, dating a little over a year after a long marriage and divorce. Initially I was looking for a long term partner, but after some time on the apps I realized that dating on its own brings me a lot of joy and self-reflection of what I'm looking for in a relationship. I don't sleep around (didn't really date in my 20s before I got married). But I enjoy company of different men and won't pass on offers of dates with those I'm really attracted to, even if I'm sleeping with someone else already.

There is someone touching base if I'm seeing others, and I told him yes I do date others, too. He has a younger child, it will be separate households situation for a while. I see no point in stopping seeing others, since co-habilitation is not in the cards. I don't want to commit to anything if we are not really partners in day to day life. I feel like I owe it to myself to meet different people, enjoy the sex and social aspects of dating, and eventually meet someone who can offer me a real partnership.

We haven't slept yet, and I do want to try. In practical terms, I would spend some weekends with him and some with others (non-sexually but I don't want to stop going out socially with others or remove profile from the apps).

Shall I tell this about my dating intentions with him upfront and honestly, or since he's not pressuring too much on exclusivity and we are not there, to hold on this conversation until after?

Why do women always need to say "I don't sleep around"? Who cares. Just do as you wish and let him know that you're not looking for exclusivity. Also get tested before you sleep with him or other people.
He might agree to something casual or might say no, but you were honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you might be getting a little ahead of yourself. At this stage, I think you can just tell him that you enjoy his company and would like to keep seeing him, but are not interested in being exclusive.

If he has questions about why, or about timeframes, you can decide if you want to answer them - and he can decide if this is something that he wants to pursue, too.

I don't think you need to tell him that you will never, ever want to settle down with him because he has a kid. Just that you don't see yourself settling down or getting exclusive any time soon.

But I would be sexually exclusive with him and would want us to exchange STD panels. I do test after each partner, and dont want to sleep in parallel with someone who sleeps with others in parallel. I don't mind him going out with other women socially, of course but I would need "heads up" if he wants to sleep with someone else

Honestly, OP, this doesn't sound remotely feasible. But just tell him that, then - that you are up for being sexually exclusive but still want to go on dates with other people. See what he says. I am a very trusting person and I just can't imagine trusting someone inside of that plan - but maybe you and he are different kinds of people.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you tell him you are cheating on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right I don't understand what you're saying. You don't want someone with children and you don't see it working out with this person. But you want it to work out with someone sooner than later. So what in the world are you doing with him other than sex and sippin wine?

I don't want what he wants either: he has a child at home and can't offer me the partnership I want. I don't mind going out with him, sleeping with him exclusively if we are a good fit in that area - TBD (there is a huge wellness component in sex for me), having interesting conversations, enjoying joint hobbies and maybe some short trips out of town. But I want him to understand that if someone else asks me out, I'm officially single and within my right to do so. Until I'm married, I'm a free bird, for any man. I'm only faithful if I want to, and I promised to be exclusive, not because I owe anyone anything.

I posted earlier that you should not waste his time, but your response here brings the thread about conservative women to mind. The situation you have described sounds optimal, but the problem is that very few high-status (well-educated, intelligent, reasonably attractive/fit, higher-earning) men are willing to accept it. They tend to invest time and energy -- the truly scarce resources in their set -- in good relationship bets. For certifiably gorgeous, nubile women they may make an exception, but generally not. It is clear that you are at least quite pretty, but almost no high-status man is going to obligingly accept a relationship under these conditions because your position is stronger than his given the limitless demand among his competitors for time with an attractive, young woman. High-status men do not like to put themselves at a disadvantage in an intimate relationship. As you have experienced, it is absurdly easy for you to meet a man for nearly any purpose. Unless this man possesses otherworldly wealth, it's far more difficult for him to meet and (gain sexual access to) women he would consider attractive. From his point of view, why would it make sense to pour effort into someone who can so easily (and, is in fact actively seeking) to upgrade to a better, unencumbered version of him?

Because he wants to bed me, to take me out to social events in his business, chat about everything, have nice intellectual video calls with a pretty woman when his child is at home. Because he has no time to keep looking, with all the life comittments, and was attracted to very few women from the apps mostly archiving everyone. He says he will quit OLD if it doesn't work out with me. And I don't want to hurt him and say that I already don't see it as long term bet for me, as I don't want to wait several years for him to become an empty nester when we can move in.

I do want to sleep with him (and kind of feel ethical pressure to be intimate, as it's been a few months we started seeing each other, he courted me beautifully). But I'm just worried it would be even more hurtful if I first sleep and then tell him all of it after. Or move on in a few months, anyway, like I usually do.

[Anonymous]

You’re a flake and men will just find out the hard way. Unfortunately we’re used to crap like this.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what you're tormented over.

In this day and age, outside of very strict religious sects, people assume that a relationship is not exclusive unless there has been a conversation on it. No one I know would go on dates with only those they see as marriage material right from the beginning. And I've personally not had any man want to be exclusive with me before testing me out in bed, sex. And vice versa on my part, BTH.

Is he asking you to be exclusive? And you're worried about losing him b/c you want to be dating as a free agent? Is he asking you to take your profiles down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what you're tormented over.

In this day and age, outside of very strict religious sects, people assume that a relationship is not exclusive unless there has been a conversation on it. No one I know would go on dates with only those they see as marriage material right from the beginning. And I've personally not had any man want to be exclusive with me before testing me out in bed, sex. And vice versa on my part, BTH.

Is he asking you to be exclusive? And you're worried about losing him b/c you want to be dating as a free agent? Is he asking you to take your profiles down?

Not yet, but he's asking if I'm dating others (I said yes I do but I don't sleep with anyone). He did state that would be an expectation to be exclusive if we are longer together. My issue is that I already know it won't be long term, but he feels like it's a long term thing and I feel a lot of responsibility that I don't want to take, or even make it worse for him after we sleep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what you're tormented over.

In this day and age, outside of very strict religious sects, people assume that a relationship is not exclusive unless there has been a conversation on it. No one I know would go on dates with only those they see as marriage material right from the beginning. And I've personally not had any man want to be exclusive with me before testing me out in bed, sex. And vice versa on my part, BTH.

Is he asking you to be exclusive? And you're worried about losing him b/c you want to be dating as a free agent? Is he asking you to take your profiles down?

I don't know about you, but all prior partners (men) I had asked if I slept with others and expected me not to, if we were having sex. A lot of men are grossed out by communal p..y

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes you should make sure he understands you are only interested in sex. He may not fully grasp that just because you're not exclusive. He may decide he doesn't want to have you around his child.

You didn't understand what I said. No interest to be introduced to his child or relatives. I also wouldn't sleep with him and someone else in parallel, and I don't only want him for sex. He's a very decent, successful and smart man. I just enjoy company of other attractive men, too, and want to keep my options open. My dating style is to see someone for a few months, then move to next person until I meet someone who matches me both in attraction level and where we are in life. I want to have a joint house with a partner, not blend families with anyone who has children, and I want that sooner than later. The wait with this person would be just too long, I don't see that working out for me long term

Then you’re just using him.

[Anonymous]

You’re using them. You want a short term fwb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes you should make sure he understands you are only interested in sex. He may not fully grasp that just because you're not exclusive. He may decide he doesn't want to have you around his child.

You didn't understand what I said. No interest to be introduced to his child or relatives. I also wouldn't sleep with him and someone else in parallel, and I don't only want him for sex. He's a very decent, successful and smart man. I just enjoy company of other attractive men, too, and want to keep my options open. My dating style is to see someone for a few months, then move to next person until I meet someone who matches me both in attraction level and where we are in life. I want to have a joint house with a partner, not blend families with anyone who has children, and I want that sooner than later. The wait with this person would be just too long, I don't see that working out for me long term

Then you’re just using him.

Using for what? I'm splitting checks, we would be both in it for sex and this temporary companionship. Do I owe him for this to last?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what you're tormented over.

In this day and age, outside of very strict religious sects, people assume that a relationship is not exclusive unless there has been a conversation on it. No one I know would go on dates with only those they see as marriage material right from the beginning. And I've personally not had any man want to be exclusive with me before testing me out in bed, sex. And vice versa on my part, BTH.

Is he asking you to be exclusive? And you're worried about losing him b/c you want to be dating as a free agent? Is he asking you to take your profiles down?

Not yet, but he's asking if I'm dating others (I said yes I do but I don't sleep with anyone). He did state that would be an expectation to be exclusive if we are longer together. My issue is that I already know it won't be long term, but he feels like it's a long term thing and I feel a lot of responsibility that I don't want to take, or even make it worse for him after we sleep

Then follow your MO and cut him loose and get on to the next one. What are you complaining about? This is how you choose to function.