What happens to the "dud" husbands after divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a couple of these guys through work. In my experience, they try to look for much younger women to hook up with. A surprising number fall for catfishing scams, two were fired for sexual harassment in the workplace, and a couple remarried a much younger woman and started a second, younger family.

Uhhhh... any guy who can hook up with or marry a much younger woman is NOT a dud.

Oh yeah? So, by your definition, any guy in his forties that your college age daughter decides to date is, by definition, a great guy? She’s got your approval?

Whatever you may think about it morally, the fact is that a guy in his forties who can attract a college girl is NOT a dud. In fact he has to be exceptionally attractive in some way in order to get her interest at all.

You can be conventionally attractive and still be a dud husband and father. I mean, if you are so bad that your co-workers can see it, you are pretty bad.

You can (and many men do) actually go on to be a decent husband and father to your second wife and still have completely failed and continue to fail in your relationship ms with your wife and children from your first marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, ladies but men have a lot easier of a time rebounding after divorce than you do.

This is just not true. It is not 1965. It is far easier for women

Look, not every thing said on DCUM when it comes to men versus women is sexist. Some of it is actually true. Men remarry more quickly and more often than women in this country after divorce. FACT. That to me is pretty good evidence that they “rebound” more quickly.

Because men need to be married. Women do not.

So many divorced women I know are in happy LTR and do not want to marry.

I agree on this!!! Why get married again after a first marriage and kids and now ... women want to be independent. Long term, short term, middle term boyfriends? all good. But marrying and having to negotiate another family and men's neediness ... no thank you.

"Women want to be independent" - except for the ones on DCUM who post the frequent threads "I am a single mom how will I find a new husband" lmao.

For example

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1069574.page

You’re the same guy who’s continually shocked and appalled to find evidence that women are all different people, yes? The same dude who thought it was some kind of federal case that some women shame men for dating younger while other women are themselves dating younger men?

When are you going to stop trying to make this into some kind of devastating killer rebuttal to any woman who says a thing you don’t like? You’re just embarrassing yourself bro.

I agree women are all different people. It is DCUM women who do not think women are all different people.

The PP said, "Because men need to be married. Women do not." Another PP agreed and said "women want to be independent". I stated that it is very clear that (as men and women are all different people) some men do not need to be married, and some women clearly do need to be married.

Along similar lines, many DCUM women think that women are not all different people, and therefore no younger woman could possibly want to date an older man, except for "bad" reasons (she wants money, she has "daddy issues"). They also think that no older man could have a "good" reason to want to date younger women (he is "emotionally immature" or some such nonsense). I say that, as men and women are all different people, older men and younger women get together because that's what they want to do.

Sorry it upsets you when I go against the hivemind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She only _thought_ I was a dud. I was a winner all along, and she was and continues to be a loser.

My income is up 40 percent, and I've slept with a couple of dozen women who are 10-30 years younger than me since the divorce.

I've made two major mistakes in life: getting married, and having children.

Sleeping around isn't enviable.

If the only women you can date are 10-30 years younger than you, then you have some serious introspection overdue. Why don't you get along with women your own age? Are you so emotionally immature that you want to date somebody 30 years younger than you? I am really no interested in the people who are my children's age as potential sexual and emotional partners - we are in different phases of life.

I do feel sorry for your children, but I understand why they were a mistake for you, as you sound as if you are not emotionally capable of being a full adult.

LMAO the inevitable efforts of older women to shame men who date younger women. He's doing what he wants to do, the women he's dating are doing what they want to do, what business is it of yours?

Um ... he brought it up as a topic of conversation? He was pretty proud of himself and invited responses? That's about how much business it is of mine. And as part of that conversation I think it's fair to let him know that money and younger women doesn't magically transform him from being a dud into a dude (actually, it's the silent e that does that, but maybe that is for a different conversation).

People 30 years younger than me are 21. I have nothing in common with them. I have a serious appreciation of and attraction to their bodies, but everything else?? really, no attraction at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a couple of these guys through work. In my experience, they try to look for much younger women to hook up with. A surprising number fall for catfishing scams, two were fired for sexual harassment in the workplace, and a couple remarried a much younger woman and started a second, younger family.

Uhhhh... any guy who can hook up with or marry a much younger woman is NOT a dud.

Oh yeah? So, by your definition, any guy in his forties that your college age daughter decides to date is, by definition, a great guy? She’s got your approval?

Whatever you may think about it morally, the fact is that a guy in his forties who can attract a college girl is NOT a dud. In fact he has to be exceptionally attractive in some way in order to get her interest at all.

I think you didn’t have any platonic female friends in your college years. If you did you’d know a lot more about what kind of 30 and 40 somethings who sniffed around girls that age, and what the well-adjusted girls thought of them. The thing that was attractive about them was usually love bombing and manipulation.

Somehow he's attracting them wrong and they're wrong for being attracted. Whatever.

But that doesn't change the fact that he is not a dud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She only _thought_ I was a dud. I was a winner all along, and she was and continues to be a loser.

My income is up 40 percent, and I've slept with a couple of dozen women who are 10-30 years younger than me since the divorce.

I've made two major mistakes in life: getting married, and having children.

Sleeping around isn't enviable.

If the only women you can date are 10-30 years younger than you, then you have some serious introspection overdue. Why don't you get along with women your own age? Are you so emotionally immature that you want to date somebody 30 years younger than you? I am really no interested in the people who are my children's age as potential sexual and emotional partners - we are in different phases of life.

I do feel sorry for your children, but I understand why they were a mistake for you, as you sound as if you are not emotionally capable of being a full adult.

LMAO the inevitable efforts of older women to shame men who date younger women. He's doing what he wants to do, the women he's dating are doing what they want to do, what business is it of yours?

Um ... he brought it up as a topic of conversation? He was pretty proud of himself and invited responses? That's about how much business it is of mine. And as part of that conversation I think it's fair to let him know that money and younger women doesn't magically transform him from being a dud into a dude (actually, it's the silent e that does that, but maybe that is for a different conversation).

People 30 years younger than me are 21. I have nothing in common with them. I have a serious appreciation of and attraction to their bodies, but everything else?? really, no attraction at all.

A dud is not attractive to anyone. He is not a dud.

If the definition of a dud is "a guy who is not attractive to me but is attractive to other women" then this is a pretty useless thread. What do duds do when they get divorced from women who are no longer attracted to them? Gee they go find a woman who is attracted to them, and it really isn't very hard given that he's really only a dud as far as his XW is concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a couple of these guys through work. In my experience, they try to look for much younger women to hook up with. A surprising number fall for catfishing scams, two were fired for sexual harassment in the workplace, and a couple remarried a much younger woman and started a second, younger family.

Uhhhh... any guy who can hook up with or marry a much younger woman is NOT a dud.

Oh yeah? So, by your definition, any guy in his forties that your college age daughter decides to date is, by definition, a great guy? She’s got your approval?

Whatever you may think about it morally, the fact is that a guy in his forties who can attract a college girl is NOT a dud. In fact he has to be exceptionally attractive in some way in order to get her interest at all.

You can be conventionally attractive and still be a dud husband and father. I mean, if you are so bad that your co-workers can see it, you are pretty bad.

You can (and many men do) actually go on to be a decent husband and father to your second wife and still have completely failed and continue to fail in your relationship ms with your wife and children from your first marriage.

A guy whose first marriage failed but whose second marriage succeeded is clearly not a dud.

If your marriage failed but your XH goes on to have a successful second marriage, you should seriously consider the possibility that he wasn't a dud, and the problem in the marriage was actually you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a couple of these guys through work. In my experience, they try to look for much younger women to hook up with. A surprising number fall for catfishing scams, two were fired for sexual harassment in the workplace, and a couple remarried a much younger woman and started a second, younger family.

Uhhhh... any guy who can hook up with or marry a much younger woman is NOT a dud.

Oh yeah? So, by your definition, any guy in his forties that your college age daughter decides to date is, by definition, a great guy? She’s got your approval?

Whatever you may think about it morally, the fact is that a guy in his forties who can attract a college girl is NOT a dud. In fact he has to be exceptionally attractive in some way in order to get her interest at all.

You can be conventionally attractive and still be a dud husband and father. I mean, if you are so bad that your co-workers can see it, you are pretty bad.

You can (and many men do) actually go on to be a decent husband and father to your second wife and still have completely failed and continue to fail in your relationship ms with your wife and children from your first marriage.

A guy whose first marriage failed but whose second marriage succeeded is clearly not a dud.

If your marriage failed but your XH goes on to have a successful second marriage, you should seriously consider the possibility that he wasn't a dud, and the problem in the marriage was actually you.

I don’t actually know either of these wives, only the men.
People CAN change, particularly as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a couple of these guys through work. In my experience, they try to look for much younger women to hook up with. A surprising number fall for catfishing scams, two were fired for sexual harassment in the workplace, and a couple remarried a much younger woman and started a second, younger family.

Uhhhh... any guy who can hook up with or marry a much younger woman is NOT a dud.

Oh yeah? So, by your definition, any guy in his forties that your college age daughter decides to date is, by definition, a great guy? She’s got your approval?

Whatever you may think about it morally, the fact is that a guy in his forties who can attract a college girl is NOT a dud. In fact he has to be exceptionally attractive in some way in order to get her interest at all.

You can be conventionally attractive and still be a dud husband and father. I mean, if you are so bad that your co-workers can see it, you are pretty bad.

You can (and many men do) actually go on to be a decent husband and father to your second wife and still have completely failed and continue to fail in your relationship ms with your wife and children from your first marriage.

A guy whose first marriage failed but whose second marriage succeeded is clearly not a dud.

If your marriage failed but your XH goes on to have a successful second marriage, you should seriously consider the possibility that he wasn't a dud, and the problem in the marriage was actually you.

Yawn. In that case the guy is no longer a dud because the first woman trained him. Honestly don’t know why any person especially a man would want to remarry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a couple of these guys through work. In my experience, they try to look for much younger women to hook up with. A surprising number fall for catfishing scams, two were fired for sexual harassment in the workplace, and a couple remarried a much younger woman and started a second, younger family.

Uhhhh... any guy who can hook up with or marry a much younger woman is NOT a dud.

Oh yeah? So, by your definition, any guy in his forties that your college age daughter decides to date is, by definition, a great guy? She’s got your approval?

Whatever you may think about it morally, the fact is that a guy in his forties who can attract a college girl is NOT a dud. In fact he has to be exceptionally attractive in some way in order to get her interest at all.

I think you didn’t have any platonic female friends in your college years. If you did you’d know a lot more about what kind of 30 and 40 somethings who sniffed around girls that age, and what the well-adjusted girls thought of them. The thing that was attractive about them was usually love bombing and manipulation.

Somehow he's attracting them wrong and they're wrong for being attracted. Whatever.

But that doesn't change the fact that he is not a dud.

Serial killers often had many girlfriends out of prison and even more behind bars. You have one bizarre definition of “dud.” By “dud” I mean “not a good guy,” not “manifestly repelling to all women no matter how disturbed the women are.” Maybe we can call them “losers” instead? Will that work for you?

[Anonymous]

The dating apps are full of absolute dud men.

I’m a happy, wealthy, attractive woman and I feel grateful I’ve learned to embrace being alone while I raise my kids. I’ll wait for the good widows my 50s will bring, the dud divorcées in their 40s are depressingly broke and boring and clinging desperately to either their desire for a one night stand or a new caretaker/mommy figure. I’m decidedly not interested in either.

[Anonymous]

Male here. Been on dates with close to 20 women since my divorce two years ago. My experience is that (a) it is not difficult to date in the DMV using apps, and (b) the majority of the divorced, widowed and single professional women that I have met via the apps - using Match and Bumble, particularly - were looking to marry. Granted, a sample size of 20 women in their 50s is a small sample size, but it was pretty consistent. I am not looking to remarry at this time, but the women around my age that I have met in the DMV certainly are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, ladies but men have a lot easier of a time rebounding after divorce than you do.

This is just not true. It is not 1965. It is far easier for women

Look, not every thing said on DCUM when it comes to men versus women is sexist. Some of it is actually true. Men remarry more quickly and more often than women in this country after divorce. FACT. That to me is pretty good evidence that they “rebound” more quickly.

Because men need to be married. Women do not.

So many divorced women I know are in happy LTR and do not want to marry.

I agree on this!!! Why get married again after a first marriage and kids and now ... women want to be independent. Long term, short term, middle term boyfriends? all good. But marrying and having to negotiate another family and men's neediness ... no thank you.

Yeah, I see all these people say men do better after divorce because the quickly remarry, and I’m left her wondering “that’s what doing better means?” To mean it meant just being happy and fulfilled and I never thought marriage was necessary for that (although I’m glad I did marry DH, he’s great).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex was a dud husband. He has never been without a partner (cheated on me, and then subsequent girlfriends). Now he has found a very reasonable girlfriend who lives with him and takes care of my kids every other weekend when they visit. So, she is my co-parent. It's totally annoying to me, but better for my ex and my kids. And the girlfriend gets to play "step mom," which she seems to appreciate. She does not have her own kids.

And for the past year, I think I've been dating someone's "dud" ex-husband. My significant other has 50 percent custody. He puts a lot of effort toward parenting, but I suspect he did not during his marriage. His household is in disarray, so we spend our time at my place. I will not marry him or live with him. He does his job well, but has poor executive function outside of work. I won't take that on again, so this relationship can only advance to a certain point.

So, apparently these are the men I attract. Or settle for.

Thank you for being candid. So much more helpful than all the sunshiny posts about how fabulously your entire live has blossomed post-divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s any such thing as a dud husband or wife.
People closest to us can drain us or energize us; I think it’s kind of the same when someone makes a statement about a person being good or bad in bed, what is off the charts for one person could leave another flat, what left someone flat could start a conflagration with someone different.


No duds, just an error in the selection process.

Nope to this part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She only _thought_ I was a dud. I was a winner all along, and she was and continues to be a loser.

My income is up 40 percent, and I've slept with a couple of dozen women who are 10-30 years younger than me since the divorce.

I've made two major mistakes in life: getting married, and having children.

Sleeping around isn't enviable.

If the only women you can date are 10-30 years younger than you, then you have some serious introspection overdue. Why don't you get along with women your own age? Are you so emotionally immature that you want to date somebody 30 years younger than you? I am really no interested in the people who are my children's age as potential sexual and emotional partners - we are in different phases of life.

I do feel sorry for your children, but I understand why they were a mistake for you, as you sound as if you are not emotionally capable of being a full adult.

LMAO the inevitable efforts of older women to shame men who date younger women. He's doing what he wants to do, the women he's dating are doing what they want to do, what business is it of yours?

Um ... he brought it up as a topic of conversation? He was pretty proud of himself and invited responses? That's about how much business it is of mine. And as part of that conversation I think it's fair to let him know that money and younger women doesn't magically transform him from being a dud into a dude (actually, it's the silent e that does that, but maybe that is for a different conversation).

People 30 years younger than me are 21. I have nothing in common with them. I have a serious appreciation of and attraction to their bodies, but everything else?? really, no attraction at all.

A dud is not attractive to anyone. He is not a dud.

If the definition of a dud is "a guy who is not attractive to me but is attractive to other women" then this is a pretty useless thread. What do duds do when they get divorced from women who are no longer attracted to them? Gee they go find a woman who is attracted to them, and it really isn't very hard given that he's really only a dud as far as his XW is concerned.

DP. This thread is about a "dud husband." We're not talking about someone being a total dud in life. If your goal is to have sex with lots of women, and you achieve that goal, great -- I'm happy for you.

But the PP was a father who said he regretted marrying or having kids. That 100% makes him a dud husband -- would you want to be married to and co-parenting with someone who regretted your entire life together? No.

It is irrelevant if has sex with lots of women now, of any age. When he was married, his wife wasn't sitting around thinking "gosh, why doesn't my dud husband catch more tail? he could be a real stud if he just applied himself more to attracting and sleeping with college girls." She was thinking "wow my husband is an a$$hole who resents me and our children, never does anything around the house, and just generally makes our life together unpleasant." A dud, if you will.

This thread is not about who can sleep with the most college co-eds. That's not what anyone is looking for in a husband!