What happens to the "dud" husbands after divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Male here. Been on dates with close to 20 women since my divorce two years ago. My experience is that (a) it is not difficult to date in the DMV using apps, and (b) the majority of the divorced, widowed and single professional women that I have met via the apps - using Match and Bumble, particularly - were looking to marry. Granted, a sample size of 20 women in their 50s is a small sample size, but it was pretty consistent. I am not looking to remarry at this time, but the women around my age that I have met in the DMV certainly are.

If they just wanted to get laid they wouldn’t match with you though.

[Anonymous]

My dud ex has simply built a life where the things he was not great at are no longer part of the equation.

So, he's not a dud in his current relationship because he's not expected to be sexually faithful, to moderate his drinking, or to do any parenting outside of one weekend per month.

So, he's found the life he was meant to live. It just sucks that three kids had to be born first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Sorry, ladies but men have a lot easier of a time rebounding after divorce than you do.

This is just not true. It is not 1965. It is far easier for women

As a divorced man I have to admit this is true. Dating is mostly online these days. And for every 10 likes I get, women will get like 200. And there are a lot of good single men out there for decent divorced women. But once a guy is 50 or so, it’s really tough to find women, exception is only with very rare rich and fit guys. It’s so much easier for women.

As a 39 year old divorced woman, I disagree that there are a lot of good single men out there. Maybe single men in their 30s who haven't been married. But divorced men in their 40s? Not a lot AT ALL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, ladies but men have a lot easier of a time rebounding after divorce than you do.

This is just not true. It is not 1965. It is far easier for women

As a divorced man I have to admit this is true. Dating is mostly online these days. And for every 10 likes I get, women will get like 200. And there are a lot of good single men out there for decent divorced women. But once a guy is 50 or so, it’s really tough to find women, exception is only with very rare rich and fit guys. It’s so much easier for women.

As a 39 year old divorced woman, I disagree that there are a lot of good single men out there. Maybe single men in their 30s who haven't been married. But divorced men in their 40s? Not a lot AT ALL.

Are not a lot of divorced men in their 40s but there are a lot of never married men in their 40s and never married men in their 30s. I haven’t looked at 50s. 44. I date men in their 30s. There are plenty. There are almost no men who are divorced in their 40s but that’s not my target audience even though that is who I am. If you are looking for the exact same demographic as you then yeah you’re not gonna find a lot of men but if you’re willing to date men who’s never been married and who are younger, you’re fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male here. Been on dates with close to 20 women since my divorce two years ago. My experience is that (a) it is not difficult to date in the DMV using apps, and (b) the majority of the divorced, widowed and single professional women that I have met via the apps - using Match and Bumble, particularly - were looking to marry. Granted, a sample size of 20 women in their 50s is a small sample size, but it was pretty consistent. I am not looking to remarry at this time, but the women around my age that I have met in the DMV certainly are.

If they just wanted to get laid they wouldn’t match with you though.

Wow. You are clever. Male or female? Date much? Tinder?

If they just wanted to get laid, they would not be on Match or Bumble.

[Anonymous]

Do any women who cast off a dud husband ever look back and regret that they weren't more accepting of him?

[Anonymous]

Once I hosted a family picnic and some acquaintance, a newly divorced dad, brought a date. Well she got rip-roaring drunk (in the middle of the day, with kids present) and kept going on and on about how she had been on 200 online dates and he was the first good match she had ever found. (She was never married, 30s.) She was literally his first match. And . . . now they're married.

I don't know what to say about this, haha. I don't know if he was a dud as a husband or not. I know she was impressed by him (he has a pretty good career) and she snatched him up. Not sure if he was just confused about his ability to attract women, or if her performance at the picnic was not representative of who she is. I remember her slurring that we should hang out and I was like, um, let's not . . . lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any women who cast off a dud husband ever look back and regret that they weren't more accepting of him?

I'm sure they do, but the more common refrain is that they regret waiting so long to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male here. Been on dates with close to 20 women since my divorce two years ago. My experience is that (a) it is not difficult to date in the DMV using apps, and (b) the majority of the divorced, widowed and single professional women that I have met via the apps - using Match and Bumble, particularly - were looking to marry. Granted, a sample size of 20 women in their 50s is a small sample size, but it was pretty consistent. I am not looking to remarry at this time, but the women around my age that I have met in the DMV certainly are.

If they just wanted to get laid they wouldn’t match with you though.

Are these women stating this on their profiles? If yes, then why are you swiping right if you don't want the same thing? Because if you are matching with them, then you likely state you are looking for something serious too? Or are you socially and/or politically conservative? Suggestion - try Tinder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any women who cast off a dud husband ever look back and regret that they weren't more accepting of him?

"After profound self-reflection," said no woman ever, "I decided that I made bad decisions and I regret them," said no woman ever.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a couple of these guys through work. In my experience, they try to look for much younger women to hook up with. A surprising number fall for catfishing scams, two were fired for sexual harassment in the workplace, and a couple remarried a much younger woman and started a second, younger family.

Uhhhh... any guy who can hook up with or marry a much younger woman is NOT a dud.

Oh yeah? So, by your definition, any guy in his forties that your college age daughter decides to date is, by definition, a great guy? She’s got your approval?

Whatever you may think about it morally, the fact is that a guy in his forties who can attract a college girl is NOT a dud. In fact he has to be exceptionally attractive in some way in order to get her interest at all.

You can be conventionally attractive and still be a dud husband and father. I mean, if you are so bad that your co-workers can see it, you are pretty bad.

You can (and many men do) actually go on to be a decent husband and father to your second wife and still have completely failed and continue to fail in your relationship ms with your wife and children from your first marriage.

A guy whose first marriage failed but whose second marriage succeeded is clearly not a dud.

If your marriage failed but your XH goes on to have a successful second marriage, you should seriously consider the possibility that he wasn't a dud, and the problem in the marriage was actually you.

Yawn. In that case the guy is no longer a dud because the first woman trained him. Honestly don’t know why any person especially a man would want to remarry.

I know it's not in the mental universe of DCUM women to believe that a woman could ever be to blame for anything, but it is entirely likely that the guy was not a dud, and the first marriage failed because she was a dud. (This would explain the very large number of obvious female duds one sees on the apps.)

Your idea also raises the obvious question of why she got divorced after she "trained him". Doesn't sound like a very intelligent plan tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any women who cast off a dud husband ever look back and regret that they weren't more accepting of him?

I'm related to one of those dud husbands; his ex wife married the guy she had an affair with and they are still happily married ten years later. My relative is only a "dud" in the emotional sense, does own his own house and has a decent job. He does date and has found some long term happiness, but none of the women are interested in moving in with him or giving up their own house.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:She only _thought_ I was a dud. I was a winner all along, and she was and continues to be a loser.

My income is up 40 percent, and I've slept with a couple of dozen women who are 10-30 years younger than me since the divorce.

I've made two major mistakes in life: getting married, and having children.

She was right and you just admitted it. Anyone who regrets their children IS a dud as a father and parenting partner. I doubt your ex is impressed by your sex life now, but I hope she’s keeping an eye on your bank account and taking what her kids are owed.

I am a woman and I agree with the previous poster… The biggest mistakes in my life were getting married and having children. I love my kids and I’m a great mom but these were still two of the biggest mistakes of my life. It’s simply not worth it and has derailed to the things that I really wanted to do. I am so sick of this society glorifying motherhood and parenthood. A lot of it sucks and it’s not worth the “reward” everyone espouses.

That's your problem, just like it's the PP's problem. Don't have kids expecting a magic rewards. Have kids if you want kids. And if you have kids and view it as the biggest mistake of your life, you are a dud parent, no matter your gender. I wish both of you had figured out this out earlier, before bringing kids into the world, who will now have to live with your mistakes. Selfish.

The way parenting works, you only know if you love AFTER you become a parent. It's okay to not fully enjoy the experience.

No it isn't. It isn't like taking on a job that you've never seen before like some new IT career. We were all children and all had parents. Now maybe you didn't have the same childhood, but we've all seen enough parents in our lives to make a decision whether or not we can be one.

[Anonymous]

1. They wake up and learn how to be an adult because they have to
2. They have a mom who swoops in and “helps” them with their 50% custody obligations
3. They muddle through and do an ok job with their 50%, but the ex-wife still buys clothes and school supplies, schedules camp and dentist appointments, sets up activities and coordinates car pool because she doesn’t want the kids to suffer because of his poor planning.
4. They marry someone younger who doesn’t know any better and she takes on the fun project of being a bonus mom, at least until she has her own baby.
5. They marry someone their own age whose ex was even more of a bum and thinks they hit the jackpot. Bonus if she has her own kids and just takes on the mental load of managing a blended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known a couple of these guys through work. In my experience, they try to look for much younger women to hook up with. A surprising number fall for catfishing scams, two were fired for sexual harassment in the workplace, and a couple remarried a much younger woman and started a second, younger family.

Uhhhh... any guy who can hook up with or marry a much younger woman is NOT a dud.

Oh yeah? So, by your definition, any guy in his forties that your college age daughter decides to date is, by definition, a great guy? She’s got your approval?

Whatever you may think about it morally, the fact is that a guy in his forties who can attract a college girl is NOT a dud. In fact he has to be exceptionally attractive in some way in order to get her interest at all.

You can be conventionally attractive and still be a dud husband and father. I mean, if you are so bad that your co-workers can see it, you are pretty bad.

You can (and many men do) actually go on to be a decent husband and father to your second wife and still have completely failed and continue to fail in your relationship ms with your wife and children from your first marriage.

A guy whose first marriage failed but whose second marriage succeeded is clearly not a dud.

If your marriage failed but your XH goes on to have a successful second marriage, you should seriously consider the possibility that he wasn't a dud, and the problem in the marriage was actually you.

Yawn. In that case the guy is no longer a dud because the first woman trained him. Honestly don’t know why any person especially a man would want to remarry.

I know it's not in the mental universe of DCUM women to believe that a woman could ever be to blame for anything, but it is entirely likely that the guy was not a dud, and the first marriage failed because she was a dud. (This would explain the very large number of obvious female duds one sees on the apps.)

Your idea also raises the obvious question of why she got divorced after she "trained him". Doesn't sound like a very intelligent plan tbh.

Because a lot of times don’t men don’t learn from their mistakes until after it’s over. She’s exhausted. Why would she want that back? Your comment about “intelligent” makes no sense; being in a bad or unsatisfying marriage is not the “intelligent” option. Someone who’s done all the work of training some man who doesn’t realize his mistakes until after the divorce does not want to spend anymore time with him even if he changes in the future he was not the man he was when he was with her and she’s done. Waste smarter for women to let go of these men early rather than wasting more years on them. Divorce is a smarter option for a lot of people and unfortunately it takes them way too long to make that decision. Maybe your goal is to be in a bad marriage but mine certainly isn’t.