How to get over traveling spouse resentment?

[Anonymous]

Apologies for the novel. See TLDR

Prior to the pandemic, DH and I both had family friendly jobs that required quarterly work travel. My DH works for a startup and I have a gov job. We had a preschooler at the time and would often all go together and extend these trips into weekend getaways. We did a ton of travel prior to having kids and with our first DS.

Travel paused for both of us and we decided to have one more child and ended up with twins (!!) in the middle of 2020. We now have 3 high energy boys. We have no local family nearby, a few friends, and our parents are not retired. We recently bought a bigger house in NOVA. During the pandemic work was super slow for DH and his co-worker friend moved to a similar tech startup for about a 20k raise.

While I was on maternity leave with the twins with many health complications, DH’s co-worker convinced him (referral bonus) to leave his current job and move over to the new company. The new job required 25% travel. DH was hesitant but excited and I was fully against this as we were already struggling finding childcare and no had other help. Against my wishes he accepted the new position saying that with the raise we could hire more help and his mom would come more often while he’s away as it would only be a 2-3 days max. The position is global so he is rarely available to help during the week until 7:30pm then works late into the night. Travel has picked up and he’s gone about 2 weeks every month.

Fortunately, after months of literal sleepless hell, I found an amazing nanny (35hrs/week) and we have an emergency college student babysitter this is the most that we can afford, we are maxed out. DH’s mom has come to help on two occasions and it’s obvious that she is not interested in childcare or household work. She is another person for me to take care of so I put an end to that.

We have spent hours and hours hashing this out and he thinks we should just throw more money that we don’t really have at the problem and I should suck it up. He doesn’t understand how difficult it is to find good help especially for multiples.Our first nanny that I spent months looking for quit bc it was too much for her. Besides that I feel that he knew what he signed up for and took this job as a break from childcare. I believe that we should be the ones raising our children and when they’re all in school full-time he can focus on his career.

DH returned from a week long trip and we are barely speaking. He comes home "exhausted" from travel and takes naps. The twins are sleep trained but are going through a sleep regression so I am beyond tired. I do 100% of the cooking and most of the things needed to run a household. Due to health issues, I eat mostly clean so ordering out is not an option. When DH is available he’s an excellent, hands on parent who the kids love. I am not sure what to do next. DH is not planning on leaving the company because he thinks it will be sold soon and he will get a large payout. Right now I am in survival mode while WFH and my intrusive thoughts tell me that if we were divorced then at least I’d get a break but that wouldn’t be fair on the kids. Any advice please ?

TLDR: DH’s new job requires travel 50% of the time while I am WFH with 3 high energy boys. DH won’t find a new job. We cannot afford more help. Advice?

[Anonymous]

I feel like humans learn when they feel the problem versus being told about it. I'd tell him that you can no longer do the following: cook 100%, do several items of the cleaning that you are now doing, and find the nanny he thinks will solve your problems. Have him do those things, while working, and I'll bet he'll change his tune.

Or, I'd go away for a week while leaving him to work/care for the kids, and he'll learn the hard way how hard it is.

[Anonymous]

He took a job he knew would take more travel against your wishes while you were on maternity leave with TWINS?

I would give him three choices - actively looking for a new job immediately, a marriage counselor (that he finds, schedules, and arranges childcare for) or a lawyer.

I mean really. I would be so, so pissed at this point. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If there was no movement on either of the first two options within a month or two, (actively looking for a job I mean, obviously it might take more time for him to get one) I'd be talking to a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like humans learn when they feel the problem versus being told about it. I'd tell him that you can no longer do the following: cook 100%, do several items of the cleaning that you are now doing, and find the nanny he thinks will solve your problems. Have him do those things, while working, and I'll bet he'll change his tune.

Or, I'd go away for a week while leaving him to work/care for the kids, and he'll learn the hard way how hard it is.

Thank you! This was the first thing I thought of. I did go away for a week with friends. He flew his mom out, asked the nanny to work overtime and ordered most meals. It was so much for his mom who hates childcare that she didnt return for 6 months- even missed the holidays.

[Anonymous]

No advice - just sake. Also raising 3 high energy boys under 5 with very little help from dh. Cost to the kids of divorce is too high for me to consider, but I’m so disgusted with dh only looking out for his own preferences and priorities that I’ll never respect him again

[Anonymous]

I'd start planning some of your own travel just to get a break. I would fly to my parents' house for 3-day weekends when we had really young kids and DH was traveling too much for work. This worked for me personally because it was not too expensive to fly there and stay. I also took some girls trips where I'd fly to visit friends from school. DH hated it. Also, when he's home, increase his responsibilities by planning things for yourself in the mornings or evenings, like yoga classes or go work at the library or whatever. I don't know that any of this will solve your problem, but it may help you feel marginally better quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like humans learn when they feel the problem versus being told about it. I'd tell him that you can no longer do the following: cook 100%, do several items of the cleaning that you are now doing, and find the nanny he thinks will solve your problems. Have him do those things, while working, and I'll bet he'll change his tune.

Or, I'd go away for a week while leaving him to work/care for the kids, and he'll learn the hard way how hard it is.

Thank you! This was the first thing I thought of. I did go away for a week with friends. He flew his mom out, asked the nanny to work overtime and ordered most meals. It was so much for his mom who hates childcare that she didnt return for 6 months- even missed the holidays.

I think I'd ask for therapy. He doesn't care about how you feel, about how your life feels to you, or about changing anything to make it better. This means therapy, and I agree - he organizes the childcare, calls insurance to make sure they cover it, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like humans learn when they feel the problem versus being told about it. I'd tell him that you can no longer do the following: cook 100%, do several items of the cleaning that you are now doing, and find the nanny he thinks will solve your problems. Have him do those things, while working, and I'll bet he'll change his tune.

Or, I'd go away for a week while leaving him to work/care for the kids, and he'll learn the hard way how hard it is.

Thank you! This was the first thing I thought of. I did go away for a week with friends. He flew his mom out, asked the nanny to work overtime and ordered most meals. It was so much for his mom who hates childcare that she didnt return for 6 months- even missed the holidays.

Ugh my husband would do the same. I wanted to go away for 2 days and his plans were to have our friends come over for a bbq - basically in his head he could stand around the grill while our friends cared for 5 (our 3 plus their 2) kids. I don’t understand the world he lives in - he truly thought that was a reasonable plan

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like humans learn when they feel the problem versus being told about it. I'd tell him that you can no longer do the following: cook 100%, do several items of the cleaning that you are now doing, and find the nanny he thinks will solve your problems. Have him do those things, while working, and I'll bet he'll change his tune.

Or, I'd go away for a week while leaving him to work/care for the kids, and he'll learn the hard way how hard it is.

Thank you! This was the first thing I thought of. I did go away for a week with friends. He flew his mom out, asked the nanny to work overtime and ordered most meals. It was so much for his mom who hates childcare that she didnt return for 6 months- even missed the holidays.

I think I'd ask for therapy. He doesn't care about how you feel, about how your life feels to you, or about changing anything to make it better. This means therapy, and I agree - he organizes the childcare, calls insurance to make sure they cover it, etc.

Ideas like this are so good in theory and dh may even verbally agree but if he’s like mine he will take literally no action to make it happen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice - just sake. Also raising 3 high energy boys under 5 with very little help from dh. Cost to the kids of divorce is too high for me to consider, but I’m so disgusted with dh only looking out for his own preferences and priorities that I’ll never respect him again

This! I really don't want a divorce. My parent are divorced and it was hell. I can't put my kids through that nor can we afford it so I grin and bear it. I am tired of arguing.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm so sorry, that sounds frustrating and exhausting. I really hate that he has put you in this position.

Having said that (100% on your side here, this is for practical reasons) the first thing I would do is take him up on his suggestion to throw money at this problem and hire more help. The reason I say yes to this, even if it's a stretch financially, is that I think you are in crisis mode and you need rest and support. If your DH isn't providing it, the minimum he can do is pay for it. I would think of this as a temporary solution to ease the situation for you so that you can take next steps.

I think once childcare/house management is under control, the next step is couples counseling. And I would not take no for an answer from him. Use the D word (divorce) if you have to -- he need to understand how serious this. You guys are not merely in a high stress period, there has been a serious breach of trust and it has to be addressed before you can move forward. I don't care if he has to dial in to therapy sessions from the road, I think this is essential if you want to salvage your marriage. You need to work through how/why he felt he could make this decision unilaterally, knowing the extreme burden it would put on you, and you need to get to a place where you feel confident he won't do this again. I view his decision as completely out of bounds for any marriage with kids -- you simply do not dump the majority of childcare/housework on your spouse for a job without her agreement. You do not do it.

The next thing I'd do is assess options and make a list. Obviously at the top of his list is "keep job, pay for more help, hope for big payout soon." Fine, that can be on the list. But other options need to be on there too, including him maybe going back to his old job, finding a new job, or (and ONLY if this is something that appeals to you) you taking a leave of absence at your work to get you through the most expensive childcare period with your twins and get your older DS into school. I would only consider that last one if you are really, really committed to the marriage working and think it will, because of course you do not want to leave your job, even temporarily, if you might split up.

Then I'd create a timeframe with him. You cannot wait around for an indefinite period of time for this big payout. But maybe with additional help you'd be willing to give him a year. Maybe you are not and need him to leave that job now. I'm not you so I can't decide for you. But I'd be considered the pros and cons of everything. If there is a chance he could make a lot of money in the next year or so, I might be willing to "suck it up" until the as long I'm not completely drowning. But of course I'd only be willing to do that if he was doing the work in therapy to understand why taking the job against my wishes was disrespectful in the first place. I'd also be looking for some quid pro quo on this. If you have career or personal goals that have been put on hiatus while having kids and after he pulled this stupid stunt, I'd be looking for his support in accomplishing those when his stint in this job ends (especially if it ends with a big financial payoff). You don't exist just to help him achieve his goals. It's a partnership.

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Like I said, totally on your side. But he did this and now you are in a bind, so you've got to figure out how to address the situation as it stands, even as you continue to be justifiably angry with him for putting you in the situation.

Best of luck to you. Sleep regressions end! I know it doesn't feel that way right now. If we were friends IRL I'd come spend the night at your house tonight so you could go to a hotel and sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like humans learn when they feel the problem versus being told about it. I'd tell him that you can no longer do the following: cook 100%, do several items of the cleaning that you are now doing, and find the nanny he thinks will solve your problems. Have him do those things, while working, and I'll bet he'll change his tune.

Or, I'd go away for a week while leaving him to work/care for the kids, and he'll learn the hard way how hard it is.

Thank you! This was the first thing I thought of. I did go away for a week with friends. He flew his mom out, asked the nanny to work overtime and ordered most meals. It was so much for his mom who hates childcare that she didnt return for 6 months- even missed the holidays.

I think I'd ask for therapy. He doesn't care about how you feel, about how your life feels to you, or about changing anything to make it better. This means therapy, and I agree - he organizes the childcare, calls insurance to make sure they cover it, etc.

Ideas like this are so good in theory and dh may even verbally agree but if he’s like mine he will take literally no action to make it happen

Yes we hash it out. We make new schedules, plans, meal prep but none of it lasts and it falls back on me adding to my resentment. Therapy may be our only option.

[Anonymous]

This is easily the nuttiest part of your narrative

While I was on maternity leave with the twins with many health complications, DH’s co-worker convinced him (referral bonus) to leave his current job and move over to the new company. The new job required 25% travel. DH was hesitant but excited and I was fully against this as we were already struggling finding childcare and no had other help. Against my wishes he accepted the new position saying that with the raise we could hire more help and his mom would come more often while he’s away as it would only be a 2-3 days max. The position is global so he is rarely available to help during the week until 7:30pm then works late into the night. Travel has picked up and he’s gone about 2 weeks every month.

How did that conversation even play out?

"I'm really excited about a new job that pays slightly more!"

"I am fully against this." *one baby hanging off of each boob*

"Ok, cool. I hear you and I'm doing it anyways."

I know you're looking for ways to get over the resentment, but I don't think I could get over that, OP.

Hope you're able to find some calm!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is easily the nuttiest part of your narrative

While I was on maternity leave with the twins with many health complications, DH’s co-worker convinced him (referral bonus) to leave his current job and move over to the new company. The new job required 25% travel. DH was hesitant but excited and I was fully against this as we were already struggling finding childcare and no had other help. Against my wishes he accepted the new position saying that with the raise we could hire more help and his mom would come more often while he’s away as it would only be a 2-3 days max. The position is global so he is rarely available to help during the week until 7:30pm then works late into the night. Travel has picked up and he’s gone about 2 weeks every month.

How did that conversation even play out?

"I'm really excited about a new job that pays slightly more!"

"I am fully against this." *one baby hanging off of each boob*

"Ok, cool. I hear you and I'm doing it anyways."

I know you're looking for ways to get over the resentment, but I don't think I could get over that, OP.

Hope you're able to find some calm!

I was the one who wrote above about him having three options (change jobs, counseling, or divorce) and I agree with this.

When I clicked on this topic, I thought it was going to be more of the run-of-the-mill "we didn't realize how hard this would be/how impractical his travel would be until we had kids, now I need something to change and wants to stick with the status quo" type post that you see all the time here at DCUM.

But him taking the job against your wishes at that moment in your lives... I don't think I'd ever get past it. This is the first DCUM post I've ever seen that did not include abuse or addiction where I brought up divorce as potentially your only viable option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is easily the nuttiest part of your narrative

While I was on maternity leave with the twins with many health complications, DH’s co-worker convinced him (referral bonus) to leave his current job and move over to the new company. The new job required 25% travel. DH was hesitant but excited and I was fully against this as we were already struggling finding childcare and no had other help. Against my wishes he accepted the new position saying that with the raise we could hire more help and his mom would come more often while he’s away as it would only be a 2-3 days max. The position is global so he is rarely available to help during the week until 7:30pm then works late into the night. Travel has picked up and he’s gone about 2 weeks every month.

How did that conversation even play out?

"I'm really excited about a new job that pays slightly more!"

"I am fully against this." *one baby hanging off of each boob*

"Ok, cool. I hear you and I'm doing it anyways."

OP here- I could cry thinking back on this..it's mostly how it went one baby hanging off each boob then a 30 min pump session after. At first he called and declined the offer...he knew it was a terrible idea. The next morning he said he slept it and after speaking to his co-worker he called back and accepted the offer. He said he would figure it all out to make it work. I was speechless then I went into a rage but here we are today.

I know you're looking for ways to get over the resentment, but I don't think I could get over that, OP.

Hope you're able to find some calm!