How to get over traveling spouse resentment?

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t get better when they are in school; different and less diapers but a 5 yr old and two 2 yr olds is pretty much as good as it gets.

^^
This is ridiculous. A 5 year old and twin 2 year olds is INCREDIBLY hard. By the time my three kids were about 5,7,and 10 it was much much easier. Even when the youngest was 4. Spouse could travel and it was not a problem. In some ways easier, because I could make macaroni and hot dogs for dinner and everyone was thrilled. OP is definitely in the hardest time. It will ease up as time goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Naps and exhaustion from traveling? Are you sure he isn’t having an affair?

I travel internationally and it's exhausting.

That said, I could neither be gone more than 20% of the time (I travel about 8-9 weeks per year and it's a lot) nor would I tolerate a spouse with a heavy travel schedule unless the kids were in high school and DH and I weren't actually in a real relationship any more.

OP, I'm sorry to say but I think your husband has checked out on purpose and this is his cover. I hope I am wrong but I doubt you can solve this without some serious couples therapy.

I’m sorry. He is traveling business class, staying in nice hotels, and probably has client dinners and drinks. He can find other times to nap. He is partying and the question is how far it goes.

+1. He can get a full 8 hours uninterrupted in the hotel room and nap in his lie-flat seats. I doubt he even thinks about his wife and kids when he’s away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a full time nanny and a babysitter... how much more help do you need?

I have a 35hr per week nanny and an emergency babysitter that I use on sick days.

NP Can your nanny go to 40 or even 50 hours, with OT pay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Naps and exhaustion from traveling? Are you sure he isn’t having an affair?

I travel internationally and it's exhausting.

That said, I could neither be gone more than 20% of the time (I travel about 8-9 weeks per year and it's a lot) nor would I tolerate a spouse with a heavy travel schedule unless the kids were in high school and DH and I weren't actually in a real relationship any more.

OP, I'm sorry to say but I think your husband has checked out on purpose and this is his cover. I hope I am wrong but I doubt you can solve this without some serious couples therapy.

Are you a woman? It’s probably exhausting because you’re prepping meals or working out logistics for everything before, during, and after your trips. Basically stage managing their lives to make up for your lack of physical presence. Not criticizing you, that’s what I do too for my rare 2-day trips. But having that mental load greatly decreases the enjoyment and relaxation. If I didn’t have that it would almost be like a vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A DH here who has had to travel for work. Sound like he's new to travel. It'll get old after a while and mabye he'll cut back anyway. My friends claim they're jealous when I mention how often I fly business class to Asia to meet clients. I actually dread it. 20+ hours of traveling each way; terrible jet lag.. No lie-flat seat or champagne and food on board will make up for that. Once a year is fine.. more than that is a slog.

But more importantly, it sounds like you are focused on the moment and assuming it'll remain that way forever. It won't. The kids will be grown up in a year's time and already in full-time preschool/ES by then. Then they'll be in ES, and so on.. It'll just get easier from that perspective. I had one trip once right after our 2nd DC was born.. like DD was a week old. It was an annual business event that I had to attend. DW knew it -- I'd been going to it for years. I arranged help, and left for back home the moment it finished, minimizing to being gone only 3 days. She understood -- we made it work.

Nowadays kids are in ES and it's no big deal if I need to go on a trip. They grow up. You're in a really tough stage, but it's giong to get better.

LOL, clueless husband alert. You should ask your DW what she really thinks of your trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A DH here who has had to travel for work. Sound like he's new to travel. It'll get old after a while and mabye he'll cut back anyway. My friends claim they're jealous when I mention how often I fly business class to Asia to meet clients. I actually dread it. 20+ hours of traveling each way; terrible jet lag.. No lie-flat seat or champagne and food on board will make up for that. Once a year is fine.. more than that is a slog.

But more importantly, it sounds like you are focused on the moment and assuming it'll remain that way forever. It won't. The kids will be grown up in a year's time and already in full-time preschool/ES by then. Then they'll be in ES, and so on.. It'll just get easier from that perspective. I had one trip once right after our 2nd DC was born.. like DD was a week old. It was an annual business event that I had to attend. DW knew it -- I'd been going to it for years. I arranged help, and left for back home the moment it finished, minimizing to being gone only 3 days. She understood -- we made it work.

Nowadays kids are in ES and it's no big deal if I need to go on a trip. They grow up. You're in a really tough stage, but it's giong to get better.

LOL, clueless husband alert. You should ask your DW what she really thinks of your trips.

Right?

[Anonymous]

God OP, I’m so angry on your behalf. I hope you can somehow scrape together the funds to hire more help. I can’t believe you’re juggling all of this with only a 35 hr per week nanny. I would feel SO disrespected if I were you.

[Anonymous]

How much of a potential payoff are we talking? If it’s less than a million, it’s not worth it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry, that sounds frustrating and exhausting. I really hate that he has put you in this position.

Having said that (100% on your side here, this is for practical reasons) the first thing I would do is take him up on his suggestion to throw money at this problem and hire more help. The reason I say yes to this, even if it's a stretch financially, is that I think you are in crisis mode and you need rest and support. If your DH isn't providing it, the minimum he can do is pay for it. I would think of this as a temporary solution to ease the situation for you so that you can take next steps.

I think once childcare/house management is under control, the next step is couples counseling. And I would not take no for an answer from him. Use the D word (divorce) if you have to -- he need to understand how serious this. You guys are not merely in a high stress period, there has been a serious breach of trust and it has to be addressed before you can move forward. I don't care if he has to dial in to therapy sessions from the road, I think this is essential if you want to salvage your marriage. You need to work through how/why he felt he could make this decision unilaterally, knowing the extreme burden it would put on you, and you need to get to a place where you feel confident he won't do this again. I view his decision as completely out of bounds for any marriage with kids -- you simply do not dump the majority of childcare/housework on your spouse for a job without her agreement. You do not do it.

The next thing I'd do is assess options and make a list. Obviously at the top of his list is "keep job, pay for more help, hope for big payout soon." Fine, that can be on the list. But other options need to be on there too, including him maybe going back to his old job, finding a new job, or (and ONLY if this is something that appeals to you) you taking a leave of absence at your work to get you through the most expensive childcare period with your twins and get your older DS into school. I would only consider that last one if you are really, really committed to the marriage working and think it will, because of course you do not want to leave your job, even temporarily, if you might split up.

Then I'd create a timeframe with him. You cannot wait around for an indefinite period of time for this big payout. But maybe with additional help you'd be willing to give him a year. Maybe you are not and need him to leave that job now. I'm not you so I can't decide for you. But I'd be considered the pros and cons of everything. If there is a chance he could make a lot of money in the next year or so, I might be willing to "suck it up" until the as long I'm not completely drowning. But of course I'd only be willing to do that if he was doing the work in therapy to understand why taking the job against my wishes was disrespectful in the first place. I'd also be looking for some quid pro quo on this. If you have career or personal goals that have been put on hiatus while having kids and after he pulled this stupid stunt, I'd be looking for his support in accomplishing those when his stint in this job ends (especially if it ends with a big financial payoff). You don't exist just to help him achieve his goals. It's a partnership.

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Like I said, totally on your side. But he did this and now you are in a bind, so you've got to figure out how to address the situation as it stands, even as you continue to be justifiably angry with him for putting you in the situation.

Best of luck to you. Sleep regressions end! I know it doesn't feel that way right now. If we were friends IRL I'd come spend the night at your house tonight so you could go to a hotel and sleep.

OP here..Thank you for this! it was very thoughtful. I don't want to stop working it would be too hard to return to my very sought after position. My only option is therapy and an ultimatum. I have 6 months left in me and that's it.

So you're unwilling to disrupt your career, but disrupting his is your preferred option?

That's going to go well.

Sorry but my career isn’t the source of our problems. I WFH no travel. Flexible schedule. Why should I stop working ?

PP is crazy. You absolutely should NOT quit your job.

NP. +1. That pp is just a bitter troll. Ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like the mean girls found the thread.

It's one bitter person going around crapping in multiple threads.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one. You sound jealous of your husband. Your husband doesn’t sound interested in being at home. You’re suffering so you want him to be at home suffering along with you.

You could also find a traveling job. Seriously. You don’t have to stick around and raise 3 kids 7 days a week. No one is making you.

I don’t see this getting better for you. You seem to dislike having children and kids don’t get that much easier. Your husband most likely won’t like it more either.

I’d encourage you to start going on vacations alone when he’s home. Definitely hire sitters so you can go out and have fun.

I feel bad for you because having three kids is likely terrible. But you can’t give your kids up for adoption and you already have a job. Unfortunately this is just your life and I think you have to try your best to appreciate what you have.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is too much for one person , one nanny or one mom or one grandmother.

Especially if they are rambunctious, mischievous, high-energy.

Suggestion (from a mom of multiples)

1. Budget full-time daycare/school/camp for all three kids Monday-Friday 8:30-4:00. Yes this is expensive. Divorce is more expensive emotionally and financially.

2. Budget two separate part-time Nannies (one morning nanny and one afternoon nanny). The Nannie's do pick ups and drop offs. Offer the nannies opportunities to cover for each other or pick up extra hours on Saturdays or Sunday's , which may help you expand your community of care.

3. Outsource all major housework (Kitchens, Bath, Laundry) depending upon the size of the house. Hire a task rabbit to come in and clean the childrens room(s) once per week.

4. Get a therapist stat to speak about post-partum feelings and hitting the reset button.

Remember you can't control your husband, but you can control you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry, that sounds frustrating and exhausting. I really hate that he has put you in this position.

Having said that (100% on your side here, this is for practical reasons) the first thing I would do is take him up on his suggestion to throw money at this problem and hire more help. The reason I say yes to this, even if it's a stretch financially, is that I think you are in crisis mode and you need rest and support. If your DH isn't providing it, the minimum he can do is pay for it. I would think of this as a temporary solution to ease the situation for you so that you can take next steps.

I think once childcare/house management is under control, the next step is couples counseling. And I would not take no for an answer from him. Use the D word (divorce) if you have to -- he need to understand how serious this. You guys are not merely in a high stress period, there has been a serious breach of trust and it has to be addressed before you can move forward. I don't care if he has to dial in to therapy sessions from the road, I think this is essential if you want to salvage your marriage. You need to work through how/why he felt he could make this decision unilaterally, knowing the extreme burden it would put on you, and you need to get to a place where you feel confident he won't do this again. I view his decision as completely out of bounds for any marriage with kids -- you simply do not dump the majority of childcare/housework on your spouse for a job without her agreement. You do not do it.

The next thing I'd do is assess options and make a list. Obviously at the top of his list is "keep job, pay for more help, hope for big payout soon." Fine, that can be on the list. But other options need to be on there too, including him maybe going back to his old job, finding a new job, or (and ONLY if this is something that appeals to you) you taking a leave of absence at your work to get you through the most expensive childcare period with your twins and get your older DS into school. I would only consider that last one if you are really, really committed to the marriage working and think it will, because of course you do not want to leave your job, even temporarily, if you might split up.

Then I'd create a timeframe with him. You cannot wait around for an indefinite period of time for this big payout. But maybe with additional help you'd be willing to give him a year. Maybe you are not and need him to leave that job now. I'm not you so I can't decide for you. But I'd be considered the pros and cons of everything. If there is a chance he could make a lot of money in the next year or so, I might be willing to "suck it up" until the as long I'm not completely drowning. But of course I'd only be willing to do that if he was doing the work in therapy to understand why taking the job against my wishes was disrespectful in the first place. I'd also be looking for some quid pro quo on this. If you have career or personal goals that have been put on hiatus while having kids and after he pulled this stupid stunt, I'd be looking for his support in accomplishing those when his stint in this job ends (especially if it ends with a big financial payoff). You don't exist just to help him achieve his goals. It's a partnership.

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Like I said, totally on your side. But he did this and now you are in a bind, so you've got to figure out how to address the situation as it stands, even as you continue to be justifiably angry with him for putting you in the situation.

Best of luck to you. Sleep regressions end! I know it doesn't feel that way right now. If we were friends IRL I'd come spend the night at your house tonight so you could go to a hotel and sleep.

OP here..Thank you for this! it was very thoughtful. I don't want to stop working it would be too hard to return to my very sought after position. My only option is therapy and an ultimatum. I have 6 months left in me and that's it.

So you're unwilling to disrupt your career, but disrupting his is your preferred option?

That's going to go well.

Oh, you mean the “career” move that he accepted without agreement from his spouse? That’s not how marriages, or adult relationships, work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A DH here who has had to travel for work. Sound like he's new to travel. It'll get old after a while and mabye he'll cut back anyway. My friends claim they're jealous when I mention how often I fly business class to Asia to meet clients. I actually dread it. 20+ hours of traveling each way; terrible jet lag.. No lie-flat seat or champagne and food on board will make up for that. Once a year is fine.. more than that is a slog.

But more importantly, it sounds like you are focused on the moment and assuming it'll remain that way forever. It won't. The kids will be grown up in a year's time and already in full-time preschool/ES by then. Then they'll be in ES, and so on.. It'll just get easier from that perspective. I had one trip once right after our 2nd DC was born.. like DD was a week old. It was an annual business event that I had to attend. DW knew it -- I'd been going to it for years. I arranged help, and left for back home the moment it finished, minimizing to being gone only 3 days. She understood -- we made it work.

Nowadays kids are in ES and it's no big deal if I need to go on a trip. They grow up. You're in a really tough stage, but it's giong to get better.

LOL, clueless husband alert. You should ask your DW what she really thinks of your trips.

Huh?

NP, but my husband has to travel for work (also to Asia more often than not), and I don't resent him for it. It's his job. We work together to make it work (I also work full-time and travel sometimes). I don't expect him to land over a 40 hour trip home from Guam and be all sunshine and roses. He's exhausted. His time spent away was stressful and not fun. I get it. My work travel is generally much more enjoyable than his and I appreciate it and can understand the difference.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there OP. Find somewhere else to stay for a few days every month to recharge. Leave your husband with the kids and just go stay with a friend for at least 3 nights in a row.

Hopefully you will get a break, hopefully your husband will realize how crappy it is. I’d consider separating in the home until your husband can step up and be an equal partner. If he can’t, that’s your answer. If you get divorced, he can have the kids when he’s in town.