How to get over traveling spouse resentment?

[Anonymous]

I have 3 boys, no twins, and mine are older - 9, 7, 4. And - yes, it does get physically easier, but it is never easy. A traveling spouse would make me so angry. There is so much to do - extra curriculars and making lunches and feeding everyone and laundry and homework. Even if it does get phsically easier as they age, it's a 2 person job. So - you are right to figure this out now and not wait until the kids are older just bc you think it will get easier. You need him around. You did not make these children by yourself. He owes it to you and the kids to be there and be present and work his fair share, which he definitely is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 boys, no twins, and mine are older - 9, 7, 4. And - yes, it does get physically easier, but it is never easy. A traveling spouse would make me so angry. There is so much to do - extra curriculars and making lunches and feeding everyone and laundry and homework. Even if it does get phsically easier as they age, it's a 2 person job. So - you are right to figure this out now and not wait until the kids are older just bc you think it will get easier. You need him around. You did not make these children by yourself. He owes it to you and the kids to be there and be present and work his fair share, which he definitely is not.

He is the one making more money and his job involves a lot of travel. Maybe he should quit and get a job paying one-third of his present salary. If he did, OP would complain about not having enough money. OP had unprotected sex and she must have known that this is how babies are made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think an au pair might be a really good option for you, and that in the meantime pulling from savings to get more nanny coverage would be worth it.

All the husband issues aside, and I feel for you on the struggles you are experiencing in your relationship - I promise you that it really DOES get easier as the kids get to school age. I didn’t have multiples but I had three high energy kids under age 5 with a frequently traveling husband, so I can kind of relate. You will be able to catch a breath when you are working with school pick up and drops offs plus extracurriculars in comparison with this time in their lives. It won’t be a breeze but it’s easier than toddlers plus K.

Thank you! I am looking forward to the day when they all in school. It just sucks bc I feel like I’m not enjoying this time of their lives much bc of the high anxiety and stress that I’m constantly under.

It doesn’t get better when they are in school; different and less diapers but a 5 yr old and two 2 yr olds is pretty much as good as it gets.

I don’t understand why you don’t put your kids in daycare; if you are a Fed you aren’t working long hours and at 2 it should be cheaper than a nanny

[Anonymous]

Looks like the mean girls found the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 boys, no twins, and mine are older - 9, 7, 4. And - yes, it does get physically easier, but it is never easy. A traveling spouse would make me so angry. There is so much to do - extra curriculars and making lunches and feeding everyone and laundry and homework. Even if it does get phsically easier as they age, it's a 2 person job. So - you are right to figure this out now and not wait until the kids are older just bc you think it will get easier. You need him around. You did not make these children by yourself. He owes it to you and the kids to be there and be present and work his fair share, which he definitely is not.

He is the one making more money and his job involves a lot of travel. Maybe he should quit and get a job paying one-third of his present salary. If he did, OP would complain about not having enough money. OP had unprotected sex and she must have known that this is how babies are made.

We actually have no idea how much he makes. She may make more than him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't want to do childcare. Surely you realize this. He could probably cut back on the travel if he wanted to, but it's more likely that he volunteers for these trips and maybe even extends them.

You've already said that he commits to meal prep, etc but then doesn't follow thru. He's telling you his truth non-verbally. He's not into childcare, homemaking, none of it. So take his contribution which is money and spend it to make your life easier. Assume nothing at all will change except maybe he does get some payout from the job.

At long last, someone with a functioning brain. OP, read and profit thereby and follow this advice. Maybe you can stop whining. Frankly, I understand why he wants to travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 boys, no twins, and mine are older - 9, 7, 4. And - yes, it does get physically easier, but it is never easy. A traveling spouse would make me so angry. There is so much to do - extra curriculars and making lunches and feeding everyone and laundry and homework. Even if it does get phsically easier as they age, it's a 2 person job. So - you are right to figure this out now and not wait until the kids are older just bc you think it will get easier. You need him around. You did not make these children by yourself. He owes it to you and the kids to be there and be present and work his fair share, which he definitely is not.

He is the one making more money and his job involves a lot of travel. Maybe he should quit and get a job paying one-third of his present salary. If he did, OP would complain about not having enough money. OP had unprotected sex and she must have known that this is how babies are made.

We actually have no idea how much he makes. She may make more than him.

I’ll be surprised if he has a big payday if his friend took a new job for a $20k bump. That is meaningless.

[Anonymous]

Naps and exhaustion from traveling? Are you sure he isn’t having an affair?

[Anonymous]

What is your combined income? It makes no sense that you only have 35 per hour week nanny yet work a full time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Naps and exhaustion from traveling? Are you sure he isn’t having an affair?

I travel internationally and it's exhausting.

That said, I could neither be gone more than 20% of the time (I travel about 8-9 weeks per year and it's a lot) nor would I tolerate a spouse with a heavy travel schedule unless the kids were in high school and DH and I weren't actually in a real relationship any more.

OP, I'm sorry to say but I think your husband has checked out on purpose and this is his cover. I hope I am wrong but I doubt you can solve this without some serious couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

This was a friend of mine. Her pleas to her husband to leave the start up fell on deaf ears. Eventually, the kids got older and she just checked out. When he was “back” and ready to recommit and do therapy, it was too late. She was done and didn’t want to put in the effort anymore. She saw therapy as a place to do a mediated discussion over getting divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He gets ZERO discretionary spending or time. This was his bargain. His hobby is work. What he spends money and time on is work (money being spending money because he can't contribute to childcare). He doesn't get to watch sports, go to dinner with his buddies. He chose this and now he needs to spend 100% of his free time and money on your family.

Are you even married? This is the shortcut to divorce court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Naps and exhaustion from traveling? Are you sure he isn’t having an affair?

I travel internationally and it's exhausting.

That said, I could neither be gone more than 20% of the time (I travel about 8-9 weeks per year and it's a lot) nor would I tolerate a spouse with a heavy travel schedule unless the kids were in high school and DH and I weren't actually in a real relationship any more.

OP, I'm sorry to say but I think your husband has checked out on purpose and this is his cover. I hope I am wrong but I doubt you can solve this without some serious couples therapy.

I’m sorry. He is traveling business class, staying in nice hotels, and probably has client dinners and drinks. He can find other times to nap. He is partying and the question is how far it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He gets ZERO discretionary spending or time. This was his bargain. His hobby is work. What he spends money and time on is work (money being spending money because he can't contribute to childcare). He doesn't get to watch sports, go to dinner with his buddies. He chose this and now he needs to spend 100% of his free time and money on your family.

Are you even married? This is the shortcut to divorce court.

I'm actually married to a big law partner who does 50% of the childcare and house work when he's not working. Because he's an adult who knows how babies are made and wants to be a good father and partner. If my husband decided to unilaterally ditch me with three kids he'd make up for it in other ways, aka by having no other life. As it is in my marriage, we both have lots of time for our friends and hobbies because we know the other spouse has our back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He gets ZERO discretionary spending or time. This was his bargain. His hobby is work. What he spends money and time on is work (money being spending money because he can't contribute to childcare). He doesn't get to watch sports, go to dinner with his buddies. He chose this and now he needs to spend 100% of his free time and money on your family.

Are you even married? This is the shortcut to divorce court.

You understand that this is what the husband has done, right? He spends 100% of his time on himself. The job he took was for his own person fulfillment, not the benefit of his family. He is a selfish ass.