How to get over traveling spouse resentment?

[Anonymous]

I would outsource more, much more. Put kids in daycare. Outsource as much as you can.

I can’t imagine Dh making a decision to travel 50% of the time with twin babies. I’m a sahm and my kids are older and I still get upset and annoyed if he has an unnecessary dinner or travel. He definitely has colleagues and coworkers who use work as an excuse to go out constantly for work dinner and work trips.

[Anonymous]

I would make it explicitly clear that your marriage is hanging by a thread, and if there is an affair or anything else that gives me a reason to end it, the marriage is over.

I would also point out that the end of the marriage means that he has 50% custody of the children, so he will be doing everything solo the two weeks a month he isn’t traveling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A DH here who has had to travel for work. Sound like he's new to travel. It'll get old after a while and mabye he'll cut back anyway. My friends claim they're jealous when I mention how often I fly business class to Asia to meet clients. I actually dread it. 20+ hours of traveling each way; terrible jet lag.. No lie-flat seat or champagne and food on board will make up for that. Once a year is fine.. more than that is a slog.

But more importantly, it sounds like you are focused on the moment and assuming it'll remain that way forever. It won't. The kids will be grown up in a year's time and already in full-time preschool/ES by then. Then they'll be in ES, and so on.. It'll just get easier from that perspective. I had one trip once right after our 2nd DC was born.. like DD was a week old. It was an annual business event that I had to attend. DW knew it -- I'd been going to it for years. I arranged help, and left for back home the moment it finished, minimizing to being gone only 3 days. She understood -- we made it work.

Nowadays kids are in ES and it's no big deal if I need to go on a trip. They grow up. You're in a really tough stage, but it's giong to get better.

LOL, clueless husband alert. You should ask your DW what she really thinks of your trips.

Huh?

NP, but my husband has to travel for work (also to Asia more often than not), and I don't resent him for it. It's his job. We work together to make it work (I also work full-time and travel sometimes). I don't expect him to land over a 40 hour trip home from Guam and be all sunshine and roses. He's exhausted. His time spent away was stressful and not fun. I get it. My work travel is generally much more enjoyable than his and I appreciate it and can understand the difference.

NP - here too. I consider the first day home an additional travel day so he can sleep. Being away for multiple weeks in a vastly different time zone plus long haul flights is exhausting. If he has less pressure to be on that day he’s more available the next. He takes over primary role for a few days too once home. Which I know must be exhausting after being away. He works really long days while on work travel. Yes there’s more solo hotel time and he’s able to decompress in quiet but it’s still very much work trip, not leisure. I usually go away for a few nights every third trip. Would do more but it’s not conducive to life. He lets me sleep in a bit during transition too which helps. The period of non travel from pandemic shutdown really helped him see where he could help more - he’s more in synch with family routines now even with return to travel. And because he was home more I was able to sink into sharing roles instead of being so independent (a survival mechanism from when he was away more).

[Anonymous]

You've gotten a lot of good advice. And, you're in a really tough position. I'm rooting for you.

To add some small things that help me with the emotional aspect of this (note that I don't have little babies anymore) -- treat yourself when he's gone. Get fancy delivery just for you and give the kids plain noodles. Watch indulgent television when you have time.

I occasionally would let my DH straight up bribe me when he would take fun trips that generated a stipend (he's an academic) -- he's making 1K from that talk? I get $200 of it no questions asked and I spend it on ME.

Petty? Silly? Maybe. But it helped me not be as annoyed when he's out drinking at a bar with work buddies after his 2 hour conference and I'm dealing with a kid rubbing peanut butter into their hair for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you lost me at “eat clean”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you lost me at “eat clean”

NP It’s probably short hand so that you don’t give grief about food issues. I’m intolerant of so many different types of food and it’s difficult to have someone else prepare things for me safely. They cook from scratch and have limited processed foods. I understand the annoyance of the buzz words too tho!

[Anonymous]

I think you’re taking out your situation on your DH. Sure it stinks he travels a lot and went for this job, but I think you’re more upset you have three young boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you lost me at “eat clean”

How is that an issue for you?
NP in a similar situation to OP. One of my young children has multiple anaphylactic food allergies, so I can’t just order take-out for myself and the kids…all meals for that child have to be prepped at home, and I have to be careful of the risks of cross-contamination.
I read that and assumed OP is dealing with similar or another health condition impacted by diet.

[Anonymous]

My husband has his own business even though he could likely make more money and have way more time taking a job. Having the business is his passion. The money isn’t so much of an issue, it’s the time he has to spend on the business. I single parent a lot of the time. I think he would be resentful of I asked him to just get a job so I throw money at the problem. I suggest the same for you. I’d rather have less in the bank and reasonably happy home life. I don’t want to fight about something that clearly brings him pleasure if there’s another way to solve the issue even if it’s not fair (which it’s not). Do you what YOU need to do to make your like sane and try to get past him having this job. If he leaves before he’s ready I doubt it will make for a happier life in the long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you lost me at “eat clean”

NP- I have lupus and flares can be triggered by food. I would love to eat Oreos and Mac and cheese all day but don't want to end up in the hospital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you lost me at “eat clean”

How is that an issue for you?
NP in a similar situation to OP. One of my young children has multiple anaphylactic food allergies, so I can’t just order take-out for myself and the kids…all meals for that child have to be prepped at home, and I have to be careful of the risks of cross-contamination.
I read that and assumed OP is dealing with similar or another health condition impacted by diet.

I have zero problem with food allergies. But no allergist says “eat clean”

She is likely placing undo difficultly on her life by restricted eating. Grabbing some frozen meals or grabbing cava meza when you are wiped out is just self flagellation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you lost me at “eat clean”

How is that an issue for you?
NP in a similar situation to OP. One of my young children has multiple anaphylactic food allergies, so I can’t just order take-out for myself and the kids…all meals for that child have to be prepped at home, and I have to be careful of the risks of cross-contamination.
I read that and assumed OP is dealing with similar or another health condition impacted by diet.

I have zero problem with food allergies. But no allergist says “eat clean”

She is likely placing undo difficultly on her life by restricted eating. Grabbing some frozen meals or grabbing cava meza when you are wiped out is just self flagellation

OP never said allergies. There are a lot of health issues that can be exacerbated by the cheap oils restaurants use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you lost me at “eat clean”

How is that an issue for you?
NP in a similar situation to OP. One of my young children has multiple anaphylactic food allergies, so I can’t just order take-out for myself and the kids…all meals for that child have to be prepped at home, and I have to be careful of the risks of cross-contamination.
I read that and assumed OP is dealing with similar or another health condition impacted by diet.

I have zero problem with food allergies. But no allergist says “eat clean”

She is likely placing undo difficultly on her life by restricted eating. Grabbing some frozen meals or grabbing cava meza when you are wiped out is just self flagellation

Which is why I said “or another health condition”. Not everyone has the luxury of grabbing takeout, for multiple reasons.

[Anonymous]

Can you change your childcare from a nanny to a household manager? Or add a PT HHM on top of nanny?

[Anonymous]

OP, do you and your H communicate regularly when he's away? Does he do Facetime with the kids? My H traveled often when the kids were little, usually not too far (2-3 hours) but occasionally to India. When he was away, we texted often and we all did Facetime daily. I'm just wondering if you guys don't really connect when he's away, especially him not connecting with the kids, that says a lot about what's going on here. And don't take "meetings" or "time zones" as an excuse for not connecting...my H would set an alarm to wake up at 4am in India so he could say good night to us. Concrete actions like that made me less upset about him being so far away, and showed me that he recognized the effort I was putting in. And in return when he did come back from India exhausted, I didn't expect him to immediately be all-in on child care because I recognized how tiring international travel can be. Anyway, my point is how you both communicate with each other while he's away could say a lot.