How to get over traveling spouse resentment?

[Anonymous]

i wish we could be friends IRL! In the same situation and its so hard to live with the anger and your "life partner" basically throwing you under the bus, but for me the alternative of putting my kids through a divorce, sharing custody, and potentially having to co-parent with some unknown stepmom someday is worse. So i try to live with it but there's really no way to swallow all those feelings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is easily the nuttiest part of your narrative

While I was on maternity leave with the twins with many health complications, DH’s co-worker convinced him (referral bonus) to leave his current job and move over to the new company. The new job required 25% travel. DH was hesitant but excited and I was fully against this as we were already struggling finding childcare and no had other help. Against my wishes he accepted the new position saying that with the raise we could hire more help and his mom would come more often while he’s away as it would only be a 2-3 days max. The position is global so he is rarely available to help during the week until 7:30pm then works late into the night. Travel has picked up and he’s gone about 2 weeks every month.

How did that conversation even play out?

"I'm really excited about a new job that pays slightly more!"

"I am fully against this." *one baby hanging off of each boob*

"Ok, cool. I hear you and I'm doing it anyways."

I know you're looking for ways to get over the resentment, but I don't think I could get over that, OP.

Hope you're able to find some calm!

OP here- I could cry thinking back on this..it's mostly how it went one baby hanging off each boob then a 30 min pump session after. At first he called and declined the offer...he knew it was a terrible idea. The next morning he said he slept it and after speaking to his co-worker he called back and accepted the offer. He said he would figure it all out to make it work. I was speechless then I went into a rage but here we are today. I lose so much sleep at night just going over this again and again full of resentment.

Even if tomorrow he started making big changes I would resent this for the rest of my life. My husband and I had a truly awful argument when our youngest was 1.5 where I basically told him I would divorce him if he took the job he wanted. We were struggling so so badly (one of my children has some special needs) and I really did not want to quit my job, which like yours was hard earned and part of my identity. He did not take the job but honestly I don’t think our relationship has ever recovered from the way he spoke about how important his career was to him and glossed over how badly I was already struggling and the unknowns for our SN child who was not yet fully diagnosed. I wish we had done some counseling or something, we have reached a new equilibrium but it is always there and I feel like I’m going to throw up every time he talks about a career move and I guess in some ways I’m lucky because he didn’t take the job.

I am not going to give you advice to just disappear because I could not do that unless I had more assurance my kids would be ok. You can try an ultimatum or you can go in to debt or stop saving for retirement or whatever it takes to hire more help.

[Anonymous]

You’re a fed. Is a leave of absence really not a possibility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry, that sounds frustrating and exhausting. I really hate that he has put you in this position.

Having said that (100% on your side here, this is for practical reasons) the first thing I would do is take him up on his suggestion to throw money at this problem and hire more help. The reason I say yes to this, even if it's a stretch financially, is that I think you are in crisis mode and you need rest and support. If your DH isn't providing it, the minimum he can do is pay for it. I would think of this as a temporary solution to ease the situation for you so that you can take next steps.

I think once childcare/house management is under control, the next step is couples counseling. And I would not take no for an answer from him. Use the D word (divorce) if you have to -- he need to understand how serious this. You guys are not merely in a high stress period, there has been a serious breach of trust and it has to be addressed before you can move forward. I don't care if he has to dial in to therapy sessions from the road, I think this is essential if you want to salvage your marriage. You need to work through how/why he felt he could make this decision unilaterally, knowing the extreme burden it would put on you, and you need to get to a place where you feel confident he won't do this again. I view his decision as completely out of bounds for any marriage with kids -- you simply do not dump the majority of childcare/housework on your spouse for a job without her agreement. You do not do it.

The next thing I'd do is assess options and make a list. Obviously at the top of his list is "keep job, pay for more help, hope for big payout soon." Fine, that can be on the list. But other options need to be on there too, including him maybe going back to his old job, finding a new job, or (and ONLY if this is something that appeals to you) you taking a leave of absence at your work to get you through the most expensive childcare period with your twins and get your older DS into school. I would only consider that last one if you are really, really committed to the marriage working and think it will, because of course you do not want to leave your job, even temporarily, if you might split up.

Then I'd create a timeframe with him. You cannot wait around for an indefinite period of time for this big payout. But maybe with additional help you'd be willing to give him a year. Maybe you are not and need him to leave that job now. I'm not you so I can't decide for you. But I'd be considered the pros and cons of everything. If there is a chance he could make a lot of money in the next year or so, I might be willing to "suck it up" until the as long I'm not completely drowning. But of course I'd only be willing to do that if he was doing the work in therapy to understand why taking the job against my wishes was disrespectful in the first place. I'd also be looking for some quid pro quo on this. If you have career or personal goals that have been put on hiatus while having kids and after he pulled this stupid stunt, I'd be looking for his support in accomplishing those when his stint in this job ends (especially if it ends with a big financial payoff). You don't exist just to help him achieve his goals. It's a partnership.

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Like I said, totally on your side. But he did this and now you are in a bind, so you've got to figure out how to address the situation as it stands, even as you continue to be justifiably angry with him for putting you in the situation.

Best of luck to you. Sleep regressions end! I know it doesn't feel that way right now. If we were friends IRL I'd come spend the night at your house tonight so you could go to a hotel and sleep.

OP here..Thank you for this! it was very thoughtful. I don't want to stop working it would be too hard to return to my very sought after position. My only option is therapy and an ultimatum. I have 6 months left in me and that's it.

So you're unwilling to disrupt your career, but disrupting his is your preferred option?

That's going to go well.

Sorry but my career isn’t the source of our problems. I WFH no travel. Flexible schedule. Why should I stop working ?

I'm not saying you should stop working. I'm saying that demanding that your husband change jobs which he likes and took, apparently, because he felt his prior job was precarious, while refusing to discuss any changes to your own employment, isn't likely to go well. Particularly if you couch it as an ultimatum. But, try it and see for yourself.

OP, please ignore this terrible person. If you are a fed WAH you probably can’t find a more family friendly job and your husband is basically never available to your kids. It’s clear which of those things needs to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry, that sounds frustrating and exhausting. I really hate that he has put you in this position.

Having said that (100% on your side here, this is for practical reasons) the first thing I would do is take him up on his suggestion to throw money at this problem and hire more help. The reason I say yes to this, even if it's a stretch financially, is that I think you are in crisis mode and you need rest and support. If your DH isn't providing it, the minimum he can do is pay for it. I would think of this as a temporary solution to ease the situation for you so that you can take next steps.

I think once childcare/house management is under control, the next step is couples counseling. And I would not take no for an answer from him. Use the D word (divorce) if you have to -- he need to understand how serious this. You guys are not merely in a high stress period, there has been a serious breach of trust and it has to be addressed before you can move forward. I don't care if he has to dial in to therapy sessions from the road, I think this is essential if you want to salvage your marriage. You need to work through how/why he felt he could make this decision unilaterally, knowing the extreme burden it would put on you, and you need to get to a place where you feel confident he won't do this again. I view his decision as completely out of bounds for any marriage with kids -- you simply do not dump the majority of childcare/housework on your spouse for a job without her agreement. You do not do it.

The next thing I'd do is assess options and make a list. Obviously at the top of his list is "keep job, pay for more help, hope for big payout soon." Fine, that can be on the list. But other options need to be on there too, including him maybe going back to his old job, finding a new job, or (and ONLY if this is something that appeals to you) you taking a leave of absence at your work to get you through the most expensive childcare period with your twins and get your older DS into school. I would only consider that last one if you are really, really committed to the marriage working and think it will, because of course you do not want to leave your job, even temporarily, if you might split up.

Then I'd create a timeframe with him. You cannot wait around for an indefinite period of time for this big payout. But maybe with additional help you'd be willing to give him a year. Maybe you are not and need him to leave that job now. I'm not you so I can't decide for you. But I'd be considered the pros and cons of everything. If there is a chance he could make a lot of money in the next year or so, I might be willing to "suck it up" until the as long I'm not completely drowning. But of course I'd only be willing to do that if he was doing the work in therapy to understand why taking the job against my wishes was disrespectful in the first place. I'd also be looking for some quid pro quo on this. If you have career or personal goals that have been put on hiatus while having kids and after he pulled this stupid stunt, I'd be looking for his support in accomplishing those when his stint in this job ends (especially if it ends with a big financial payoff). You don't exist just to help him achieve his goals. It's a partnership.

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Like I said, totally on your side. But he did this and now you are in a bind, so you've got to figure out how to address the situation as it stands, even as you continue to be justifiably angry with him for putting you in the situation.

Best of luck to you. Sleep regressions end! I know it doesn't feel that way right now. If we were friends IRL I'd come spend the night at your house tonight so you could go to a hotel and sleep.

OP here..Thank you for this! it was very thoughtful. I don't want to stop working it would be too hard to return to my very sought after position. My only option is therapy and an ultimatum. I have 6 months left in me and that's it.

So you're unwilling to disrupt your career, but disrupting his is your preferred option?

That's going to go well.

Sorry but my career isn’t the source of our problems. I WFH no travel. Flexible schedule. Why should I stop working ?

I'm not saying you should stop working. I'm saying that demanding that your husband change jobs which he likes and took, apparently, because he felt his prior job was precarious, while refusing to discuss any changes to your own employment, isn't likely to go well. Particularly if you couch it as an ultimatum. But, try it and see for yourself.

OP, please ignore this terrible person. If you are a fed WAH you probably can’t find a more family friendly job and your husband is basically never available to your kids. It’s clear which of those things needs to change.

Because you disagree with the point, I'm terrible? Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is easily the nuttiest part of your narrative

While I was on maternity leave with the twins with many health complications, DH’s co-worker convinced him (referral bonus) to leave his current job and move over to the new company. The new job required 25% travel. DH was hesitant but excited and I was fully against this as we were already struggling finding childcare and no had other help. Against my wishes he accepted the new position saying that with the raise we could hire more help and his mom would come more often while he’s away as it would only be a 2-3 days max. The position is global so he is rarely available to help during the week until 7:30pm then works late into the night. Travel has picked up and he’s gone about 2 weeks every month.

How did that conversation even play out?

"I'm really excited about a new job that pays slightly more!"

"I am fully against this." *one baby hanging off of each boob*

"Ok, cool. I hear you and I'm doing it anyways."

I know you're looking for ways to get over the resentment, but I don't think I could get over that, OP.

Hope you're able to find some calm!

OP here- I could cry thinking back on this..it's mostly how it went one baby hanging off each boob then a 30 min pump session after. At first he called and declined the offer...he knew it was a terrible idea. The next morning he said he slept it and after speaking to his co-worker he called back and accepted the offer. He said he would figure it all out to make it work. I was speechless then I went into a rage but here we are today. I lose so much sleep at night just going over this again and again full of resentment.

Even if tomorrow he started making big changes I would resent this for the rest of my life. My husband and I had a truly awful argument when our youngest was 1.5 where I basically told him I would divorce him if he took the job he wanted. We were struggling so so badly (one of my children has some special needs) and I really did not want to quit my job, which like yours was hard earned and part of my identity. He did not take the job but honestly I don’t think our relationship has ever recovered from the way he spoke about how important his career was to him and glossed over how badly I was already struggling and the unknowns for our SN child who was not yet fully diagnosed. I wish we had done some counseling or something, we have reached a new equilibrium but it is always there and I feel like I’m going to throw up every time he talks about a career move and I guess in some ways I’m lucky because he didn’t take the job.

I am not going to give you advice to just disappear because I could not do that unless I had more assurance my kids would be ok. You can try an ultimatum or you can go in to debt or stop saving for retirement or whatever it takes to hire more help.

[headdesk]

Your right. If I admit my career is important to me then I have to agree to my spouse completely neglecting our SN child and disappearing as much as he wants. Only SAHMs deserve any support from their spouse. You’ve convinced me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is easily the nuttiest part of your narrative

While I was on maternity leave with the twins with many health complications, DH’s co-worker convinced him (referral bonus) to leave his current job and move over to the new company. The new job required 25% travel. DH was hesitant but excited and I was fully against this as we were already struggling finding childcare and no had other help. Against my wishes he accepted the new position saying that with the raise we could hire more help and his mom would come more often while he’s away as it would only be a 2-3 days max. The position is global so he is rarely available to help during the week until 7:30pm then works late into the night. Travel has picked up and he’s gone about 2 weeks every month.

How did that conversation even play out?

"I'm really excited about a new job that pays slightly more!"

"I am fully against this." *one baby hanging off of each boob*

"Ok, cool. I hear you and I'm doing it anyways."

I know you're looking for ways to get over the resentment, but I don't think I could get over that, OP.

Hope you're able to find some calm!

OP here- I could cry thinking back on this..it's mostly how it went one baby hanging off each boob then a 30 min pump session after. At first he called and declined the offer...he knew it was a terrible idea. The next morning he said he slept it and after speaking to his co-worker he called back and accepted the offer. He said he would figure it all out to make it work. I was speechless then I went into a rage but here we are today. I lose so much sleep at night just going over this again and again full of resentment.

Even if tomorrow he started making big changes I would resent this for the rest of my life. My husband and I had a truly awful argument when our youngest was 1.5 where I basically told him I would divorce him if he took the job he wanted. We were struggling so so badly (one of my children has some special needs) and I really did not want to quit my job, which like yours was hard earned and part of my identity. He did not take the job but honestly I don’t think our relationship has ever recovered from the way he spoke about how important his career was to him and glossed over how badly I was already struggling and the unknowns for our SN child who was not yet fully diagnosed. I wish we had done some counseling or something, we have reached a new equilibrium but it is always there and I feel like I’m going to throw up every time he talks about a career move and I guess in some ways I’m lucky because he didn’t take the job.

I am not going to give you advice to just disappear because I could not do that unless I had more assurance my kids would be ok. You can try an ultimatum or you can go in to debt or stop saving for retirement or whatever it takes to hire more help.

[headdesk]

Your right. If I admit my career is important to me then I have to agree to my spouse completely neglecting our SN child and disappearing as much as he wants. Only SAHMs deserve any support from their spouse. You’ve convinced me.

That whooshing sound you hear? That's the point going over your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is easily the nuttiest part of your narrative

While I was on maternity leave with the twins with many health complications, DH’s co-worker convinced him (referral bonus) to leave his current job and move over to the new company. The new job required 25% travel. DH was hesitant but excited and I was fully against this as we were already struggling finding childcare and no had other help. Against my wishes he accepted the new position saying that with the raise we could hire more help and his mom would come more often while he’s away as it would only be a 2-3 days max. The position is global so he is rarely available to help during the week until 7:30pm then works late into the night. Travel has picked up and he’s gone about 2 weeks every month.

How did that conversation even play out?

"I'm really excited about a new job that pays slightly more!"

"I am fully against this." *one baby hanging off of each boob*

"Ok, cool. I hear you and I'm doing it anyways."

I know you're looking for ways to get over the resentment, but I don't think I could get over that, OP.

Hope you're able to find some calm!

OP here- I could cry thinking back on this..it's mostly how it went one baby hanging off each boob then a 30 min pump session after. At first he called and declined the offer...he knew it was a terrible idea. The next morning he said he slept it and after speaking to his co-worker he called back and accepted the offer. He said he would figure it all out to make it work. I was speechless then I went into a rage but here we are today. I lose so much sleep at night just going over this again and again full of resentment.

Even if tomorrow he started making big changes I would resent this for the rest of my life. My husband and I had a truly awful argument when our youngest was 1.5 where I basically told him I would divorce him if he took the job he wanted. We were struggling so so badly (one of my children has some special needs) and I really did not want to quit my job, which like yours was hard earned and part of my identity. He did not take the job but honestly I don’t think our relationship has ever recovered from the way he spoke about how important his career was to him and glossed over how badly I was already struggling and the unknowns for our SN child who was not yet fully diagnosed. I wish we had done some counseling or something, we have reached a new equilibrium but it is always there and I feel like I’m going to throw up every time he talks about a career move and I guess in some ways I’m lucky because he didn’t take the job.

I am not going to give you advice to just disappear because I could not do that unless I had more assurance my kids would be ok. You can try an ultimatum or you can go in to debt or stop saving for retirement or whatever it takes to hire more help.

[headdesk]

Your right. If I admit my career is important to me then I have to agree to my spouse completely neglecting our SN child and disappearing as much as he wants. Only SAHMs deserve any support from their spouse. You’ve convinced me.

That whooshing sound you hear? That's the point going over your head.

NP hey buddy, you’re not adding anything to this conversation. Criticism isn’t really constructive here. Can you go troll somewhere else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is easily the nuttiest part of your narrative

While I was on maternity leave with the twins with many health complications, DH’s co-worker convinced him (referral bonus) to leave his current job and move over to the new company. The new job required 25% travel. DH was hesitant but excited and I was fully against this as we were already struggling finding childcare and no had other help. Against my wishes he accepted the new position saying that with the raise we could hire more help and his mom would come more often while he’s away as it would only be a 2-3 days max. The position is global so he is rarely available to help during the week until 7:30pm then works late into the night. Travel has picked up and he’s gone about 2 weeks every month.

How did that conversation even play out?

"I'm really excited about a new job that pays slightly more!"

"I am fully against this." *one baby hanging off of each boob*

"Ok, cool. I hear you and I'm doing it anyways."

I know you're looking for ways to get over the resentment, but I don't think I could get over that, OP.

Hope you're able to find some calm!

OP here- I could cry thinking back on this..it's mostly how it went one baby hanging off each boob then a 30 min pump session after. At first he called and declined the offer...he knew it was a terrible idea. The next morning he said he slept it and after speaking to his co-worker he called back and accepted the offer. He said he would figure it all out to make it work. I was speechless then I went into a rage but here we are today. I lose so much sleep at night just going over this again and again full of resentment.

Even if tomorrow he started making big changes I would resent this for the rest of my life. My husband and I had a truly awful argument when our youngest was 1.5 where I basically told him I would divorce him if he took the job he wanted. We were struggling so so badly (one of my children has some special needs) and I really did not want to quit my job, which like yours was hard earned and part of my identity. He did not take the job but honestly I don’t think our relationship has ever recovered from the way he spoke about how important his career was to him and glossed over how badly I was already struggling and the unknowns for our SN child who was not yet fully diagnosed. I wish we had done some counseling or something, we have reached a new equilibrium but it is always there and I feel like I’m going to throw up every time he talks about a career move and I guess in some ways I’m lucky because he didn’t take the job.

I am not going to give you advice to just disappear because I could not do that unless I had more assurance my kids would be ok. You can try an ultimatum or you can go in to debt or stop saving for retirement or whatever it takes to hire more help.

[headdesk]

Your right. If I admit my career is important to me then I have to agree to my spouse completely neglecting our SN child and disappearing as much as he wants. Only SAHMs deserve any support from their spouse. You’ve convinced me.

Your career is important to you, and part of your identity. You don't want to change it, and didn't. Your husband told you that his career was important to him, *didn't* take the job he wanted to (just as you demanded), and *you're* the one holding the grudge?

[Anonymous]

OP this thread is quickly derailing.

I too have twins (+ two older kids) and I know exactly how you are feeling right now. My husband has always been supportive though and I can't imagine juggling everything without him.

You have received some great tips & ideas and I hope things start to go better for you soon.

[Anonymous]

I would flat out tell him what a divorce would look like. I can bet 50/50 custody would scare him. He would need to find a different job and take care of his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there and see if the company is sold. Your situation could change dramatically for the better.

For how long? 6 months? A year?

6 months certainly for a big payoff like that, certainly. This happened to us and we had twins, one with severe autism. It allowed us to afford to move into a house from a rental and set us up on the property ladder. Look, I get that things are really tough now with work and young children but this is temporary in the scheme of things. My DH also traveled a lot and twice he had to fly back to meet me in the emergency room with our asthmatic twins. I had no family support so I had to cut corners on a LOT of things. You can do this for 6 months, OP, I am rooting for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would flat out tell him what a divorce would look like. I can bet 50/50 custody would scare him. He would need to find a different job and take care of his kids.

You can't force 50/50 custody on someone. What if he refuses it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there and see if the company is sold. Your situation could change dramatically for the better.

For how long? 6 months? A year?

6 months certainly for a big payoff like that, certainly. This happened to us and we had twins, one with severe autism. It allowed us to afford to move into a house from a rental and set us up on the property ladder. Look, I get that things are really tough now with work and young children but this is temporary in the scheme of things. My DH also traveled a lot and twice he had to fly back to meet me in the emergency room with our asthmatic twins. I had no family support so I had to cut corners on a LOT of things. You can do this for 6 months, OP, I am rooting for you.

This is a very good point, all other things aside.

OP, you have twin 2 yos, and a young elementary schooler. That's a really rough situation - but it passes. Rather than addressing it with life-altering solutions (ultimatums, job changes, possible divorce), I'd look for patchwork solutions that will get you to the other side. If that means temporarily reducing savings, then so be it.

But, if you are saying you never want your husband to take a job that requires travel, that's a different conversation, and one that should be carefully planned. But I didn't get that from your post.

[Anonymous]

OP here- Thank you all for your advice and sympathy. It truly means a lot. I thought I'd get a ton of hate bc I choose to have this many kids and I have a nanny. I already feel re-energized reading the comments that are literally the same thoughts going through my head every night so I feel less crazy about my life and options.

A few things I wanted to clear up- not working isn't an option. That would only deepen my resentment. Being a full time SAHM would be harder than my current situation at least with the nanny I can nap when I'm desperate. My job could not be more family friendly, you dont just quit this type of job and think that it will be waiting for you.

Another thing about hiring more childcare is that 1. We would have to stop saving for retirement which I am sort of ok doing temporarily if our current nanny agrees to more hours. She's an absolute angel so I dont want to burn bridges with her. 2) Safety- the twins are almost 2 and my oldest DS is in K. They are super rambunctious, high energy boys. Not to be dramatic but not that many people can handle kids these ages safely. I know because I have tried and there have been accidents. I cannot handle one more thing. When the twins are 3 I'd feel more comfortable with other childcare options like an aupair.

With therapy and further negotiations, I can suck this up for maybe 6months- a year. If my husband leaves this job, the company is sold and he misses the payout that would be the end for us. He would never forgive me. He even says now that he got this far bc he didnt listen to me and that his next position will be even more rewarding.

First I am going to negotiate his work hours while he is at home, 6pm is the cutoff and he can log on again when the kids are in bed.

Also now, I feel like traveling is part of his identity. He loves to tell people that he's on a red eye or what he new restaurant he tried or that he'll be in London next week. The whole process of packing, airports etc brings him joy. I get it. That was me prior to having kids. I introduced him to travel. I just stupidly thought that it was obvious that now with 3 kids it was over until they are more independent. I am not saying that I never want him to travel for work. I could manage a very short monthly trip but it's the last minute 1-2 week trips that are killing me.

But again thank you especially to those of you with multiples that have been where I am. I have a lot of options to consider and I have already told my DH that I am fully off duty tonight and this weekend. I will seek individual therapy for myself then couples therapy so I know how to best approach this. In my heart, I do not want a divorce at this time.