How to get over traveling spouse resentment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like humans learn when they feel the problem versus being told about it. I'd tell him that you can no longer do the following: cook 100%, do several items of the cleaning that you are now doing, and find the nanny he thinks will solve your problems. Have him do those things, while working, and I'll bet he'll change his tune.

Or, I'd go away for a week while leaving him to work/care for the kids, and he'll learn the hard way how hard it is.

Thank you! This was the first thing I thought of. I did go away for a week with friends. He flew his mom out, asked the nanny to work overtime and ordered most meals. It was so much for his mom who hates childcare that she didnt return for 6 months- even missed the holidays.

I think you should learn from this example and hire more help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you and your H communicate regularly when he's away? Does he do Facetime with the kids? My H traveled often when the kids were little, usually not too far (2-3 hours) but occasionally to India. When he was away, we texted often and we all did Facetime daily. I'm just wondering if you guys don't really connect when he's away, especially him not connecting with the kids, that says a lot about what's going on here. And don't take "meetings" or "time zones" as an excuse for not connecting...my H would set an alarm to wake up at 4am in India so he could say good night to us. Concrete actions like that made me less upset about him being so far away, and showed me that he recognized the effort I was putting in. And in return when he did come back from India exhausted, I didn't expect him to immediately be all-in on child care because I recognized how tiring international travel can be. Anyway, my point is how you both communicate with each other while he's away could say a lot.

This. This whole situation isn't about his job or travel, it's about him not valuing you and not caring about your needs AT ALL. That's the marriage killer. Once respect is gone in a marriage it's very hard to earn it back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like the mean girls found the thread.

I think the mean ones are mostly guys.

[Anonymous]

First, Is your husband really senior enough at this start up to have a clue if they are within 12 months of an exit? Someone who changes jobs for $20k frankly doesn’t sound senior enough. Just how new is this business? My husband is an angel investor in many startups. His investments are all 3-5 years old at this point and none of them have had an exit yet — and we will be lucky if one of them is a big payout (which is fine). There is a bunch of stuff that should be happening RIGHT NOW if this company is within six months to a year of being purchased or IPO’d. If he isn’t actively involved in that process, then I would question his credibility.

Second, are you sure this guy just isn’t generally a terrible and selfish person? If he is, you are better of divorcing while the kids are too young to really know the difference. An individual therapist could help you sort this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make it explicitly clear that your marriage is hanging by a thread, and if there is an affair or anything else that gives me a reason to end it, the marriage is over.

I would also point out that the end of the marriage means that he has 50% custody of the children, so he will be doing everything solo the two weeks a month he isn’t traveling.

If, as OP says, she really has no respect for her husband and never will, her marriage is over already. It’s really just a question of when she’s going to pull the plug - after the kids are older or now. And, really, would OP really abandon her kids for two weeks out of the month if her husband isn’t available or needed help?

I don’t know the answer for OP. I mean what’s done is done. Maybe her husband can get another job and maybe he can’t. Maybe he just doesn’t want to. But even if he does, from everything I read from OP, at best they will be coparents in the same house because the marriage is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would make it explicitly clear that your marriage is hanging by a thread, and if there is an affair or anything else that gives me a reason to end it, the marriage is over.

I would also point out that the end of the marriage means that he has 50% custody of the children, so he will be doing everything solo the two weeks a month he isn’t traveling.

If, as OP says, she really has no respect for her husband and never will, her marriage is over already. It’s really just a question of when she’s going to pull the plug - after the kids are older or now. And, really, would OP really abandon her kids for two weeks out of the month if her husband isn’t available or needed help?

I don’t know the answer for OP. I mean what’s done is done. Maybe her husband can get another job and maybe he can’t. Maybe he just doesn’t want to. But even if he does, from everything I read from OP, at best they will be coparents in the same house because the marriage is over.

Leaving your children with their father isn’t abandoning them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would make it explicitly clear that your marriage is hanging by a thread, and if there is an affair or anything else that gives me a reason to end it, the marriage is over.

I would also point out that the end of the marriage means that he has 50% custody of the children, so he will be doing everything solo the two weeks a month he isn’t traveling.

If, as OP says, she really has no respect for her husband and never will, her marriage is over already. It’s really just a question of when she’s going to pull the plug - after the kids are older or now. And, really, would OP really abandon her kids for two weeks out of the month if her husband isn’t available or needed help?

I don’t know the answer for OP. I mean what’s done is done. Maybe her husband can get another job and maybe he can’t. Maybe he just doesn’t want to. But even if he does, from everything I read from OP, at best they will be coparents in the same house because the marriage is over.

Leaving your children with their father isn’t abandoning them.

It is when he has no idea how to parent because he never does it.

[Anonymous]

Quit your job, raise your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit your job, raise your kids

Found the man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quit your job, raise your kids

Found the man.

I agree. You birth them. Take care of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quit your job, raise your kids

Found the man.

I agree. You birth them. Take care of them.

Well he could quit his job and raise the kids but sounds like he makes more money. Someone needs to raise them babies if they’re emotionally and financially struggling like they are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quit your job, raise your kids

Found the man.

I agree. You birth them. Take care of them.

Well he could quit his job and raise the kids but sounds like he makes more money. Someone needs to raise them babies if they’re emotionally and financially struggling like they are

People keep saying this but OP never said he makes more. So effing sexist to assume that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quit your job, raise your kids

Found the man.

I agree. You birth them. Take care of them.

So she should give up her sought after and hard earned job because her husband unilaterally changed jobs against her wishes? I hope you're a man because if you're a woman I feel bad for you.

[Anonymous]

Well if you divorce you get every other week to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one. You sound jealous of your husband. Your husband doesn’t sound interested in being at home. You’re suffering so you want him to be at home suffering along with you.

You could also find a traveling job. Seriously. You don’t have to stick around and raise 3 kids 7 days a week. No one is making you.

I don’t see this getting better for you. You seem to dislike having children and kids don’t get that much easier. Your husband most likely won’t like it more either.

I’d encourage you to start going on vacations alone when he’s home. Definitely hire sitters so you can go out and have fun.

I feel bad for you because having three kids is likely terrible. But you can’t give your kids up for adoption and you already have a job. Unfortunately this is just your life and I think you have to try your best to appreciate what you have.

Do you even have children or a spouse?