How to get over traveling spouse resentment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All good advice given - in the short term - lower the standards you set for yourself. Television is not poison. If they will sit and watch a show for 30 mins so you can breathe, let ‘em watch the show. Buttered noodles and baby carrots are an acceptable evening meal. Cereal is an acceptable evening meal. Chicken nuggets and a sack of microwaved peas is an a reputable evening meal. They don’t need a bath every night. If their outfit didn’t get dirty, wear it again. The goal is to get through with all of you in tact not do everything perfectly. Sometimes if we can let go of the things that really don’t matter that much we are happier and calmer bd more able to put energy into the things that really do matter like enjoying the time together.

This is so sad. Sorry, but dinner and baths DO matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry, that sounds frustrating and exhausting. I really hate that he has put you in this position.

Having said that (100% on your side here, this is for practical reasons) the first thing I would do is take him up on his suggestion to throw money at this problem and hire more help. The reason I say yes to this, even if it's a stretch financially, is that I think you are in crisis mode and you need rest and support. If your DH isn't providing it, the minimum he can do is pay for it. I would think of this as a temporary solution to ease the situation for you so that you can take next steps.

I think once childcare/house management is under control, the next step is couples counseling. And I would not take no for an answer from him. Use the D word (divorce) if you have to -- he need to understand how serious this. You guys are not merely in a high stress period, there has been a serious breach of trust and it has to be addressed before you can move forward. I don't care if he has to dial in to therapy sessions from the road, I think this is essential if you want to salvage your marriage. You need to work through how/why he felt he could make this decision unilaterally, knowing the extreme burden it would put on you, and you need to get to a place where you feel confident he won't do this again. I view his decision as completely out of bounds for any marriage with kids -- you simply do not dump the majority of childcare/housework on your spouse for a job without her agreement. You do not do it.

The next thing I'd do is assess options and make a list. Obviously at the top of his list is "keep job, pay for more help, hope for big payout soon." Fine, that can be on the list. But other options need to be on there too, including him maybe going back to his old job, finding a new job, or (and ONLY if this is something that appeals to you) you taking a leave of absence at your work to get you through the most expensive childcare period with your twins and get your older DS into school. I would only consider that last one if you are really, really committed to the marriage working and think it will, because of course you do not want to leave your job, even temporarily, if you might split up.

Then I'd create a timeframe with him. You cannot wait around for an indefinite period of time for this big payout. But maybe with additional help you'd be willing to give him a year. Maybe you are not and need him to leave that job now. I'm not you so I can't decide for you. But I'd be considered the pros and cons of everything. If there is a chance he could make a lot of money in the next year or so, I might be willing to "suck it up" until the as long I'm not completely drowning. But of course I'd only be willing to do that if he was doing the work in therapy to understand why taking the job against my wishes was disrespectful in the first place. I'd also be looking for some quid pro quo on this. If you have career or personal goals that have been put on hiatus while having kids and after he pulled this stupid stunt, I'd be looking for his support in accomplishing those when his stint in this job ends (especially if it ends with a big financial payoff). You don't exist just to help him achieve his goals. It's a partnership.

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Like I said, totally on your side. But he did this and now you are in a bind, so you've got to figure out how to address the situation as it stands, even as you continue to be justifiably angry with him for putting you in the situation.

Best of luck to you. Sleep regressions end! I know it doesn't feel that way right now. If we were friends IRL I'd come spend the night at your house tonight so you could go to a hotel and sleep.

THIS, THIS, THIS x2 million.

Do everything exactly as this person wrote out, and don't have him find the marriage counselor - you find 3 and you schedule an appointment with all 3 for the 2 of you (when you know he's not traveling) and then you 2 decide which of the 3 to choose and start going. And if he's unwilling to do that, then you move out for a few weeks to visit your parents or other out of state relatives/friends. His mother won't come back for multiple weeks (or if she says she will it will be UNPLEASANT for him) and the nanny won't put up with this for 2/3 weeks and he'll have to deal with middle of the night. And I'm serious. There is a serious breath of trust and it's not going to just fix itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All good advice given - in the short term - lower the standards you set for yourself. Television is not poison. If they will sit and watch a show for 30 mins so you can breathe, let ‘em watch the show. Buttered noodles and baby carrots are an acceptable evening meal. Cereal is an acceptable evening meal. Chicken nuggets and a sack of microwaved peas is an a reputable evening meal. They don’t need a bath every night. If their outfit didn’t get dirty, wear it again. The goal is to get through with all of you in tact not do everything perfectly. Sometimes if we can let go of the things that really don’t matter that much we are happier and calmer bd more able to put energy into the things that really do matter like enjoying the time together.

This is so sad. Sorry, but dinner and baths DO matter.

I agree they do matter most days. Our nanny helps with the kids meal prep and baths for the twins when she gets a chance. The twins don’t care about TV unfortunately but my older DS loves his iPad so I use that when in need to. Thank you I’m doing what I need to right now and I’m certainly not focused on perfection.

[Anonymous]

The question you asked was how to get over the resentment. And the answer is therapy for yourself. You will never fully get over it, especially after he doubled down that he is more successful because he did not listen to you (not that I wish that the company goes under because that would hurt you but a little humility wouldn't hurt him). Work on getting yourself into a better place, rather than getting over the resentment.

I agree with others that you need to pause the saving for retirement. If the company really does sell, you can put in a larger chunk to grow back that retirement. If not, it has to be what it is. I would not look to increase nanny hours, but maybe activities. Can you get K into three after school things? Can the twins take swim three days a week or soccer? Yes you have to drive people places, but then they are "watched" by someone else for an hour. I would look into that to give you some breaks.

I would also look into house cleaner, food meal prep / delivery. There are many that do clean eating.

Finally, I agree when he is home, he takes the kids. No exceptions. You get your car keys and you leave as soon as he gets home. Show him the impact of one person unilaterally deciding to do what they want. It will be a pissing contest for a little bit and you will need to dig in (the house will be messy, the dishes will not be done, laundry will be a mess), but you need to show him more what it is like to be solo without nanny and mom. You will also need to be ok with him doing it differently. But, then you can have a real conversation about the family needs.

It sounds like he is struggling and running away -- like he knows that three kids and twins is a lot. He likes traveling because it is easy and adult. Maybe try another approach to get him to admit his fears and why he was so excited to "run away" from the family so much. Maybe he will break a little and you can make some inroads into actually talking to each other and making a plan that works for you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry, that sounds frustrating and exhausting. I really hate that he has put you in this position.

Having said that (100% on your side here, this is for practical reasons) the first thing I would do is take him up on his suggestion to throw money at this problem and hire more help. The reason I say yes to this, even if it's a stretch financially, is that I think you are in crisis mode and you need rest and support. If your DH isn't providing it, the minimum he can do is pay for it. I would think of this as a temporary solution to ease the situation for you so that you can take next steps.

I think once childcare/house management is under control, the next step is couples counseling. And I would not take no for an answer from him. Use the D word (divorce) if you have to -- he need to understand how serious this. You guys are not merely in a high stress period, there has been a serious breach of trust and it has to be addressed before you can move forward. I don't care if he has to dial in to therapy sessions from the road, I think this is essential if you want to salvage your marriage. You need to work through how/why he felt he could make this decision unilaterally, knowing the extreme burden it would put on you, and you need to get to a place where you feel confident he won't do this again. I view his decision as completely out of bounds for any marriage with kids -- you simply do not dump the majority of childcare/housework on your spouse for a job without her agreement. You do not do it.

The next thing I'd do is assess options and make a list. Obviously at the top of his list is "keep job, pay for more help, hope for big payout soon." Fine, that can be on the list. But other options need to be on there too, including him maybe going back to his old job, finding a new job, or (and ONLY if this is something that appeals to you) you taking a leave of absence at your work to get you through the most expensive childcare period with your twins and get your older DS into school. I would only consider that last one if you are really, really committed to the marriage working and think it will, because of course you do not want to leave your job, even temporarily, if you might split up.

Then I'd create a timeframe with him. You cannot wait around for an indefinite period of time for this big payout. But maybe with additional help you'd be willing to give him a year. Maybe you are not and need him to leave that job now. I'm not you so I can't decide for you. But I'd be considered the pros and cons of everything. If there is a chance he could make a lot of money in the next year or so, I might be willing to "suck it up" until the as long I'm not completely drowning. But of course I'd only be willing to do that if he was doing the work in therapy to understand why taking the job against my wishes was disrespectful in the first place. I'd also be looking for some quid pro quo on this. If you have career or personal goals that have been put on hiatus while having kids and after he pulled this stupid stunt, I'd be looking for his support in accomplishing those when his stint in this job ends (especially if it ends with a big financial payoff). You don't exist just to help him achieve his goals. It's a partnership.

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Like I said, totally on your side. But he did this and now you are in a bind, so you've got to figure out how to address the situation as it stands, even as you continue to be justifiably angry with him for putting you in the situation.

Best of luck to you. Sleep regressions end! I know it doesn't feel that way right now. If we were friends IRL I'd come spend the night at your house tonight so you could go to a hotel and sleep.

THIS, THIS, THIS x2 million.

Do everything exactly as this person wrote out, and don't have him find the marriage counselor - you find 3 and you schedule an appointment with all 3 for the 2 of you (when you know he's not traveling) and then you 2 decide which of the 3 to choose and start going. And if he's unwilling to do that, then you move out for a few weeks to visit your parents or other out of state relatives/friends. His mother won't come back for multiple weeks (or if she says she will it will be UNPLEASANT for him) and the nanny won't put up with this for 2/3 weeks and he'll have to deal with middle of the night. And I'm serious. There is a serious breath of trust and it's not going to just fix itself.

Agreed I’m actively working on this thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The question you asked was how to get over the resentment. And the answer is therapy for yourself. You will never fully get over it, especially after he doubled down that he is more successful because he did not listen to you (not that I wish that the company goes under because that would hurt you but a little humility wouldn't hurt him). Work on getting yourself into a better place, rather than getting over the resentment.

I agree with others that you need to pause the saving for retirement. If the company really does sell, you can put in a larger chunk to grow back that retirement. If not, it has to be what it is. I would not look to increase nanny hours, but maybe activities. Can you get K into three after school things? Can the twins take swim three days a week or soccer? Yes you have to drive people places, but then they are "watched" by someone else for an hour. I would look into that to give you some breaks.

I would also look into house cleaner, food meal prep / delivery. There are many that do clean eating.

Finally, I agree when he is home, he takes the kids. No exceptions. You get your car keys and you leave as soon as he gets home. Show him the impact of one person unilaterally deciding to do what they want. It will be a pissing contest for a little bit and you will need to dig in (the house will be messy, the dishes will not be done, laundry will be a mess), but you need to show him more what it is like to be solo without nanny and mom. You will also need to be ok with him doing it differently. But, then you can have a real conversation about the family needs.

It sounds like he is struggling and running away -- like he knows that three kids and twins is a lot. He likes traveling because it is easy and adult. Maybe try another approach to get him to admit his fears and why he was so excited to "run away" from the family so much. Maybe he will break a little and you can make some inroads into actually talking to each other and making a plan that works for you both.

Yes the bolded really resonates with me. Before that I felt like we were such a great team and got through so much together now I feel as though he doesn’t respect me or care when I think. I have such a hard time throwing more money on this but I know that I have to for my own well being.

The traveling breaks up the monotony of childcare and increases his self importance. He loves the fact that he can say that he travels a lot for work.
I’ve already signed up my K DS for after school. Need to work on something for the twins. Thank you

[Anonymous]

He doesn't want to do childcare. Surely you realize this. He could probably cut back on the travel if he wanted to, but it's more likely that he volunteers for these trips and maybe even extends them.

You've already said that he commits to meal prep, etc but then doesn't follow thru. He's telling you his truth non-verbally. He's not into childcare, homemaking, none of it. So take his contribution which is money and spend it to make your life easier. Assume nothing at all will change except maybe he does get some payout from the job.

[Anonymous]

This sounds so much like the situation with me and my exh and our 3 boys. He traveled all the time too and just didn't get how it affected me.

He was also involved in startups and would always be convinced the payoff was right around the corner. We went through a decade of this until I was done.

FF to now - 15 years later - and it's been a dozen startups and no big payoff.

[Anonymous]

You have a full time nanny and a babysitter... how much more help do you need?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All good advice given - in the short term - lower the standards you set for yourself. Television is not poison. If they will sit and watch a show for 30 mins so you can breathe, let ‘em watch the show. Buttered noodles and baby carrots are an acceptable evening meal. Cereal is an acceptable evening meal. Chicken nuggets and a sack of microwaved peas is an a reputable evening meal. They don’t need a bath every night. If their outfit didn’t get dirty, wear it again. The goal is to get through with all of you in tact not do everything perfectly. Sometimes if we can let go of the things that really don’t matter that much we are happier and calmer bd more able to put energy into the things that really do matter like enjoying the time together.

This is so sad. Sorry, but dinner and baths DO matter.

Nanny or babysitter can feed and bathe the kids daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a full time nanny and a babysitter... how much more help do you need?

I have a 35hr per week nanny and an emergency babysitter that I use on sick days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds so much like the situation with me and my exh and our 3 boys. He traveled all the time too and just didn't get how it affected me.

He was also involved in startups and would always be convinced the payoff was right around the corner. We went through a decade of this until I was done.

FF to now - 15 years later - and it's been a dozen startups and no big payoff.

Interesting…. Thank you. I only have a year max left in me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't want to do childcare. Surely you realize this. He could probably cut back on the travel if he wanted to, but it's more likely that he volunteers for these trips and maybe even extends them.

You've already said that he commits to meal prep, etc but then doesn't follow thru. He's telling you his truth non-verbally. He's not into childcare, homemaking, none of it. So take his contribution which is money and spend it to make your life easier. Assume nothing at all will change except maybe he does get some payout from the job.

Yes I do realize this so I will use the money to my benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]He doesn't want to do childcare. Surely you realize this. He could probably cut back on the travel if he wanted to, but it's more likely that he volunteers for these trips and maybe even extends them. [/b]

You've already said that he commits to meal prep, etc but then doesn't follow thru. He's telling you his truth non-verbally. He's not into childcare, homemaking, none of it. So take his contribution which is money and spend it to make your life easier. Assume nothing at all will change except maybe he does get some payout from the job.

x10000

This was FIL - MIL, fifty plus years later, is STILL bitter. Don't let this be you, OP.

[Anonymous]

He gets ZERO discretionary spending or time. This was his bargain. His hobby is work. What he spends money and time on is work (money being spending money because he can't contribute to childcare). He doesn't get to watch sports, go to dinner with his buddies. He chose this and now he needs to spend 100% of his free time and money on your family.