How to get over traveling spouse resentment?

[Anonymous]

I do think an au pair might be a really good option for you, and that in the meantime pulling from savings to get more nanny coverage would be worth it.

All the husband issues aside, and I feel for you on the struggles you are experiencing in your relationship - I promise you that it really DOES get easier as the kids get to school age. I didn’t have multiples but I had three high energy kids under age 5 with a frequently traveling husband, so I can kind of relate. You will be able to catch a breath when you are working with school pick up and drops offs plus extracurriculars in comparison with this time in their lives. It won’t be a breeze but it’s easier than toddlers plus K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry, that sounds frustrating and exhausting. I really hate that he has put you in this position.

Having said that (100% on your side here, this is for practical reasons) the first thing I would do is take him up on his suggestion to throw money at this problem and hire more help. The reason I say yes to this, even if it's a stretch financially, is that I think you are in crisis mode and you need rest and support. If your DH isn't providing it, the minimum he can do is pay for it. I would think of this as a temporary solution to ease the situation for you so that you can take next steps.

I think once childcare/house management is under control, the next step is couples counseling. And I would not take no for an answer from him. Use the D word (divorce) if you have to -- he need to understand how serious this. You guys are not merely in a high stress period, there has been a serious breach of trust and it has to be addressed before you can move forward. I don't care if he has to dial in to therapy sessions from the road, I think this is essential if you want to salvage your marriage. You need to work through how/why he felt he could make this decision unilaterally, knowing the extreme burden it would put on you, and you need to get to a place where you feel confident he won't do this again. I view his decision as completely out of bounds for any marriage with kids -- you simply do not dump the majority of childcare/housework on your spouse for a job without her agreement. You do not do it.

The next thing I'd do is assess options and make a list. Obviously at the top of his list is "keep job, pay for more help, hope for big payout soon." Fine, that can be on the list. But other options need to be on there too, including him maybe going back to his old job, finding a new job, or (and ONLY if this is something that appeals to you) you taking a leave of absence at your work to get you through the most expensive childcare period with your twins and get your older DS into school. I would only consider that last one if you are really, really committed to the marriage working and think it will, because of course you do not want to leave your job, even temporarily, if you might split up.

Then I'd create a timeframe with him. You cannot wait around for an indefinite period of time for this big payout. But maybe with additional help you'd be willing to give him a year. Maybe you are not and need him to leave that job now. I'm not you so I can't decide for you. But I'd be considered the pros and cons of everything. If there is a chance he could make a lot of money in the next year or so, I might be willing to "suck it up" until the as long I'm not completely drowning. But of course I'd only be willing to do that if he was doing the work in therapy to understand why taking the job against my wishes was disrespectful in the first place. I'd also be looking for some quid pro quo on this. If you have career or personal goals that have been put on hiatus while having kids and after he pulled this stupid stunt, I'd be looking for his support in accomplishing those when his stint in this job ends (especially if it ends with a big financial payoff). You don't exist just to help him achieve his goals. It's a partnership.

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Like I said, totally on your side. But he did this and now you are in a bind, so you've got to figure out how to address the situation as it stands, even as you continue to be justifiably angry with him for putting you in the situation.

Best of luck to you. Sleep regressions end! I know it doesn't feel that way right now. If we were friends IRL I'd come spend the night at your house tonight so you could go to a hotel and sleep.

OP here..Thank you for this! it was very thoughtful. I don't want to stop working it would be too hard to return to my very sought after position. My only option is therapy and an ultimatum. I have 6 months left in me and that's it.

So you're unwilling to disrupt your career, but disrupting his is your preferred option?

That's going to go well.

Sorry but my career isn’t the source of our problems. I WFH no travel. Flexible schedule. Why should I stop working ?

PP is crazy. You absolutely should NOT quit your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think an au pair might be a really good option for you, and that in the meantime pulling from savings to get more nanny coverage would be worth it.

All the husband issues aside, and I feel for you on the struggles you are experiencing in your relationship - I promise you that it really DOES get easier as the kids get to school age. I didn’t have multiples but I had three high energy kids under age 5 with a frequently traveling husband, so I can kind of relate. You will be able to catch a breath when you are working with school pick up and drops offs plus extracurriculars in comparison with this time in their lives. It won’t be a breeze but it’s easier than toddlers plus K.

Thank you! I am looking forward to the day when they all in school. It just sucks bc I feel like I’m not enjoying this time of their lives much bc of the high anxiety and stress that I’m constantly under.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would flat out tell him what a divorce would look like. I can bet 50/50 custody would scare him. He would need to find a different job and take care of his kids.

You can't force 50/50 custody on someone. What if he refuses it?

Courts now expect 50/50 custody. He would need to step up.

[Anonymous]

Do you think you and your DH could agree upon a set sum that you will spend over the next 12 months to alleviate the burden? Let's say it's $20,000 (in addition to what you are already paying your nanny). You could get some combo of extra mother's helper for evenings; housekeeper to come 2x a week, take care of all cleaning, laundry, and some cooking; etc. Pull the $$ out of savings. Tell your DH he has one year to come up with the big payout or a salary increase that covers $20k net annually. And no more naps when he is home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thank you all for your advice and sympathy. It truly means a lot. I thought I'd get a ton of hate bc I choose to have this many kids and I have a nanny. I already feel re-energized reading the comments that are literally the same thoughts going through my head every night so I feel less crazy about my life and options.

A few things I wanted to clear up- not working isn't an option. That would only deepen my resentment. Being a full time SAHM would be harder than my current situation at least with the nanny I can nap when I'm desperate. My job could not be more family friendly, you dont just quit this type of job and think that it will be waiting for you.

Another thing about hiring more childcare is that 1. We would have to stop saving for retirement which I am sort of ok doing temporarily if our current nanny agrees to more hours. She's an absolute angel so I dont want to burn bridges with her. 2) Safety- the twins are almost 2 and my oldest DS is in K. They are super rambunctious, high energy boys. Not to be dramatic but not that many people can handle kids these ages safely. I know because I have tried and there have been accidents. I cannot handle one more thing. When the twins are 3 I'd feel more comfortable with other childcare options like an aupair.

With therapy and further negotiations, I can suck this up for maybe 6months- a year. If my husband leaves this job, the company is sold and he misses the payout that would be the end for us. He would never forgive me. He even says now that he got this far bc he didnt listen to me and that his next position will be even more rewarding.

First I am going to negotiate his work hours while he is at home, 6pm is the cutoff and he can log on again when the kids are in bed.

Also now, I feel like traveling is part of his identity. He loves to tell people that he's on a red eye or what he new restaurant he tried or that he'll be in London next week. The whole process of packing, airports etc brings him joy. I get it. That was me prior to having kids. I introduced him to travel. I just stupidly thought that it was obvious that now with 3 kids it was over until they are more independent. I am not saying that I never want him to travel for work. I could manage a very short monthly trip but it's the last minute 1-2 week trips that are killing me.

But again thank you especially to those of you with multiples that have been where I am. I have a lot of options to consider and I have already told my DH that I am fully off duty tonight and this weekend. I will seek individual therapy for myself then couples therapy so I know how to best approach this. In my heart, I do not want a divorce at this time.

Absolutely stop saving for retirement to increase your nanny's hours. No question. They're two. In two more years, you'll be in a dramatically different place. Right now, it's essentially an emergency. That and therapy do feel like the answer, at least for now.

But I will just add - the bolded made me really, really sad. He's doing this great thing that brings him great joy and fulfillment, and probably balance in his life, and what do you get? Barely being able to keep yourself sane and your kids safe. That's just so, so uneven and unbalanced and unfair. I just cannot imagine being in a marriage where my husband put, essentially, his wants in front of my needs.

Best of luck. I hope you can figure out a way to make this all work out. The worst of the day to day will be behind you in a year or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thank you all for your advice and sympathy. It truly means a lot. I thought I'd get a ton of hate bc I choose to have this many kids and I have a nanny. I already feel re-energized reading the comments that are literally the same thoughts going through my head every night so I feel less crazy about my life and options.

A few things I wanted to clear up- not working isn't an option. That would only deepen my resentment. Being a full time SAHM would be harder than my current situation at least with the nanny I can nap when I'm desperate. My job could not be more family friendly, you dont just quit this type of job and think that it will be waiting for you.

Another thing about hiring more childcare is that 1. We would have to stop saving for retirement which I am sort of ok doing temporarily if our current nanny agrees to more hours. She's an absolute angel so I dont want to burn bridges with her. 2) Safety- the twins are almost 2 and my oldest DS is in K. They are super rambunctious, high energy boys. Not to be dramatic but not that many people can handle kids these ages safely. I know because I have tried and there have been accidents. I cannot handle one more thing. When the twins are 3 I'd feel more comfortable with other childcare options like an aupair.

With therapy and further negotiations, I can suck this up for maybe 6months- a year. If my husband leaves this job, the company is sold and he misses the payout that would be the end for us. He would never forgive me. He even says now that he got this far bc he didnt listen to me and that his next position will be even more rewarding.

First I am going to negotiate his work hours while he is at home, 6pm is the cutoff and he can log on again when the kids are in bed.

Also now, I feel like traveling is part of his identity. He loves to tell people that he's on a red eye or what he new restaurant he tried or that he'll be in London next week. The whole process of packing, airports etc brings him joy. I get it. That was me prior to having kids. I introduced him to travel. I just stupidly thought that it was obvious that now with 3 kids it was over until they are more independent. I am not saying that I never want him to travel for work. I could manage a very short monthly trip but it's the last minute 1-2 week trips that are killing me.

But again thank you especially to those of you with multiples that have been where I am. I have a lot of options to consider and I have already told my DH that I am fully off duty tonight and this weekend. I will seek individual therapy for myself then couples therapy so I know how to best approach this. In my heart, I do not want a divorce at this time.

Wow. He really doubled down on being an asshole.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend with a similar situation (3 kids, 1 set of twins) and a husband who had to “follow his dreams” to do something that required extensive time away from home. His come to Jesus moment was when she was in a car accident because she had fallen asleep at the wheel. Thank god she and her kids were not injured, but spouse realized that she was serious when she said she couldn’t handle the status quo anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think an au pair might be a really good option for you, and that in the meantime pulling from savings to get more nanny coverage would be worth it.

All the husband issues aside, and I feel for you on the struggles you are experiencing in your relationship - I promise you that it really DOES get easier as the kids get to school age. I didn’t have multiples but I had three high energy kids under age 5 with a frequently traveling husband, so I can kind of relate. You will be able to catch a breath when you are working with school pick up and drops offs plus extracurriculars in comparison with this time in their lives. It won’t be a breeze but it’s easier than toddlers plus K.

Thank you! I am looking forward to the day when they all in school. It just sucks bc I feel like I’m not enjoying this time of their lives much bc of the high anxiety and stress that I’m constantly under.

PP with the asthmatic twins again. My NT son, now an adult and successfully launched, told me recently that he appreciated that we seemed to handle all the ups and downs of his childhood “effortlessly”. I was so surprised because I thought we had fallen short in many ways and it was often really tough. What is important is that you provide stability and love to your children, not a perfect life.

[Anonymous]

A DH here who has had to travel for work. Sound like he's new to travel. It'll get old after a while and mabye he'll cut back anyway. My friends claim they're jealous when I mention how often I fly business class to Asia to meet clients. I actually dread it. 20+ hours of traveling each way; terrible jet lag.. No lie-flat seat or champagne and food on board will make up for that. Once a year is fine.. more than that is a slog.

But more importantly, it sounds like you are focused on the moment and assuming it'll remain that way forever. It won't. The kids will be grown up in a year's time and already in full-time preschool/ES by then. Then they'll be in ES, and so on.. It'll just get easier from that perspective. I had one trip once right after our 2nd DC was born.. like DD was a week old. It was an annual business event that I had to attend. DW knew it -- I'd been going to it for years. I arranged help, and left for back home the moment it finished, minimizing to being gone only 3 days. She understood -- we made it work.

Nowadays kids are in ES and it's no big deal if I need to go on a trip. They grow up. You're in a really tough stage, but it's giong to get better.

[Anonymous]

You and your DH desperately need to go to couples counseling, OP. After kids, especially during the all-hands-on-deck baby/toddler phase, you can’t just disappear without a really good reason and without full agreement from your spouse. They should add that to the wedding vows, seriously.

It would be good for both of you to spit out your resentments to a neutral party and get them to weigh in. I did 3 sessions of couples counseling with DH early in our marriage about a different but related issue, and I still remember the advice our counselor gave.

[Anonymous]

^ And I disagree that things will get SO MUCH EASIER in a year or two as some clueless PPs have been saying. Mornings and evenings will still be stressful for you, unless you can hire extra help. Which I suggest you do. Right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thank you all for your advice and sympathy. It truly means a lot. I thought I'd get a ton of hate bc I choose to have this many kids and I have a nanny. I already feel re-energized reading the comments that are literally the same thoughts going through my head every night so I feel less crazy about my life and options.

A few things I wanted to clear up- not working isn't an option. That would only deepen my resentment. Being a full time SAHM would be harder than my current situation at least with the nanny I can nap when I'm desperate. My job could not be more family friendly, you dont just quit this type of job and think that it will be waiting for you.

Another thing about hiring more childcare is that 1. We would have to stop saving for retirement which I am sort of ok doing temporarily if our current nanny agrees to more hours. She's an absolute angel so I dont want to burn bridges with her. 2) Safety- the twins are almost 2 and my oldest DS is in K. They are super rambunctious, high energy boys. Not to be dramatic but not that many people can handle kids these ages safely. I know because I have tried and there have been accidents. I cannot handle one more thing. When the twins are 3 I'd feel more comfortable with other childcare options like an aupair.

With therapy and further negotiations, I can suck this up for maybe 6months- a year. If my husband leaves this job, the company is sold and he misses the payout that would be the end for us. He would never forgive me. He even says now that he got this far bc he didnt listen to me and that his next position will be even more rewarding.

First I am going to negotiate his work hours while he is at home, 6pm is the cutoff and he can log on again when the kids are in bed.

Also now, I feel like traveling is part of his identity. He loves to tell people that he's on a red eye or what he new restaurant he tried or that he'll be in London next week. The whole process of packing, airports etc brings him joy. I get it. That was me prior to having kids. I introduced him to travel. I just stupidly thought that it was obvious that now with 3 kids it was over until they are more independent. I am not saying that I never want him to travel for work. I could manage a very short monthly trip but it's the last minute 1-2 week trips that are killing me.

But again thank you especially to those of you with multiples that have been where I am. I have a lot of options to consider and I have already told my DH that I am fully off duty tonight and this weekend. I will seek individual therapy for myself then couples therapy so I know how to best approach this. In my heart, I do not want a divorce at this time.

Wow. He really doubled down on being an asshole.

Got to say I agree. He knows you are struggling, he in no way kept his promise to help you figure it out and he’s perfectly happy because it’s working out for him? That’s almost worse than doing this without your agreement in the first place, which you could partly chalk up to an overly optimistic outlook on how it would work out. You sound really pragmatic, OP, and I would definitely make divorce a last resort for lots of reasons but WOW.

Also, you are probably in the worst of it now but it’s going to be a while before things are easy. Please don’t assume in 2 years you will be ok with this set up and you should not have to be. I’m a believer that any set up can work if everyone agrees, including one person doing essentially all the childcare that isn’t outsourced. The problem here is that you didn’t agree, he didn’t care and then didn’t help resolve it. That’s what I’d be hung up on. Good for you for thinking about therapy to thoughtfully approach how you want to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there and see if the company is sold. Your situation could change dramatically for the better.

For how long? 6 months? A year?

6 months certainly for a big payoff like that, certainly. This happened to us and we had twins, one with severe autism. It allowed us to afford to move into a house from a rental and set us up on the property ladder. Look, I get that things are really tough now with work and young children but this is temporary in the scheme of things. My DH also traveled a lot and twice he had to fly back to meet me in the emergency room with our asthmatic twins. I had no family support so I had to cut corners on a LOT of things. You can do this for 6 months, OP, I am rooting for you.

There is absolutely no way of knowing that this company will be sold in 6 months, or that it will be sold at all. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

All good advice given - in the short term - lower the standards you set for yourself. Television is not poison. If they will sit and watch a show for 30 mins so you can breathe, let ‘em watch the show. Buttered noodles and baby carrots are an acceptable evening meal. Cereal is an acceptable evening meal. Chicken nuggets and a sack of microwaved peas is an a reputable evening meal. They don’t need a bath every night. If their outfit didn’t get dirty, wear it again. The goal is to get through with all of you in tact not do everything perfectly. Sometimes if we can let go of the things that really don’t matter that much we are happier and calmer bd more able to put energy into the things that really do matter like enjoying the time together.