How to get over traveling spouse resentment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would make it explicitly clear that your marriage is hanging by a thread, and if there is an affair or anything else that gives me a reason to end it, the marriage is over.

I would also point out that the end of the marriage means that he has 50% custody of the children, so he will be doing everything solo the two weeks a month he isn’t traveling.

If, as OP says, she really has no respect for her husband and never will, her marriage is over already. It’s really just a question of when she’s going to pull the plug - after the kids are older or now. And, really, would OP really abandon her kids for two weeks out of the month if her husband isn’t available or needed help?

I don’t know the answer for OP. I mean what’s done is done. Maybe her husband can get another job and maybe he can’t. Maybe he just doesn’t want to. But even if he does, from everything I read from OP, at best they will be coparents in the same house because the marriage is over.

Leaving your children with their father isn’t abandoning them.

I was responding to the PP who said OP could leave her kids with her DH, whom she thinks is t available to care for them, half of the time. Parents aren’t going to leave their kids when their kids need them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He gets ZERO discretionary spending or time. This was his bargain. His hobby is work. What he spends money and time on is work (money being spending money because he can't contribute to childcare). He doesn't get to watch sports, go to dinner with his buddies. He chose this and now he needs to spend 100% of his free time and money on your family.

Such stupid advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quit your job, raise your kids

Found the man.

I agree. You birth them. Take care of them.

Well he could quit his job and raise the kids but sounds like he makes more money. Someone needs to raise them babies if they’re emotionally and financially struggling like they are

Unless OP is only making minimum wage then I can understand money problems but both are working and why is OP so cheap that she only has a nanny for 35 hours a week? Why doesn't she have a nanny for 40 hours a week or een 50 hours so nanny could feed children dinner bathe them and get them ready for bed? OP just complains but if she used common sense there is an easy solution to her problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apologies for the novel. See TLDR

Prior to the pandemic, DH and I both had family friendly jobs that required quarterly work travel. My DH works for a startup and I have a gov job. We had a preschooler at the time and would often all go together and extend these trips into weekend getaways. We did a ton of travel prior to having kids and with our first DS.

Travel paused for both of us and we decided to have one more child and ended up with twins (!!) in the middle of 2020. We now have 3 high energy boys. We have no local family nearby, a few friends, and our parents are not retired. We recently bought a bigger house in NOVA. During the pandemic work was super slow for DH and his co-worker friend moved to a similar tech startup for about a 20k raise.

While I was on maternity leave with the twins with many health complications, DH’s co-worker convinced him (referral bonus) to leave his current job and move over to the new company. The new job required 25% travel. DH was hesitant but excited and I was fully against this as we were already struggling finding childcare and no had other help. Against my wishes he accepted the new position saying that with the raise we could hire more help and his mom would come more often while he’s away as it would only be a 2-3 days max. The position is global so he is rarely available to help during the week until 7:30pm then works late into the night. Travel has picked up and he’s gone about 2 weeks every month.

Fortunately, after months of literal sleepless hell, I found an amazing nanny (35hrs/week) and we have an emergency college student babysitter this is the most that we can afford, we are maxed out. DH’s mom has come to help on two occasions and it’s obvious that she is not interested in childcare or household work. She is another person for me to take care of so I put an end to that.

We have spent hours and hours hashing this out and he thinks we should just throw more money that we don’t really have at the problem and I should suck it up. He doesn’t understand how difficult it is to find good help especially for multiples.Our first nanny that I spent months looking for quit bc it was too much for her. Besides that I feel that he knew what he signed up for and took this job as a break from childcare. I believe that we should be the ones raising our children and when they’re all in school full-time he can focus on his career.

DH returned from a week long trip and we are barely speaking. He comes home "exhausted" from travel and takes naps. The twins are sleep trained but are going through a sleep regression so I am beyond tired. I do 100% of the cooking and most of the things needed to run a household. Due to health issues, I eat mostly clean so ordering out is not an option. When DH is available he’s an excellent, hands on parent who the kids love. I am not sure what to do next. DH is not planning on leaving the company because he thinks it will be sold soon and he will get a large payout. Right now I am in survival mode while WFH and my intrusive thoughts tell me that if we were divorced then at least I’d get a break but that wouldn’t be fair on the kids. Any advice please ?

TLDR: DH’s new job requires travel 50% of the time while I am WFH with 3 high energy boys. DH won’t find a new job. We cannot afford more help. Advice?

He doesn't listen to you and doesn't care about you. Your only choice left is to be as selfish as he is. He's not abusive, so you can do this without harming your kids. When he comes home from travel, you immediately leave for a few days "to relax". You don't have to travel or take time off work, just stay at a hotel with your phone turned off so you can sleep. He can figure out how to hire help. If he has an emergency, he can figure out what to do on his own, just like you would have to if you had an emergency while he was gone. If he ends up being fine with this arrangement, you can feel less resentful about his travel because you know you will get a lovely break when he returns. But I suspect he will not be fine with this arrangement because it is so much work. Then he can decide if he would like a divorce, and have this responsibility for 50% of the time, or if he would like to grow up and actually be a parenting partner with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologies for the novel. See TLDR

Prior to the pandemic, DH and I both had family friendly jobs that required quarterly work travel. My DH works for a startup and I have a gov job. We had a preschooler at the time and would often all go together and extend these trips into weekend getaways. We did a ton of travel prior to having kids and with our first DS.

Travel paused for both of us and we decided to have one more child and ended up with twins (!!) in the middle of 2020. We now have 3 high energy boys. We have no local family nearby, a few friends, and our parents are not retired. We recently bought a bigger house in NOVA. During the pandemic work was super slow for DH and his co-worker friend moved to a similar tech startup for about a 20k raise.

While I was on maternity leave with the twins with many health complications, DH’s co-worker convinced him (referral bonus) to leave his current job and move over to the new company. The new job required 25% travel. DH was hesitant but excited and I was fully against this as we were already struggling finding childcare and no had other help. Against my wishes he accepted the new position saying that with the raise we could hire more help and his mom would come more often while he’s away as it would only be a 2-3 days max. The position is global so he is rarely available to help during the week until 7:30pm then works late into the night. Travel has picked up and he’s gone about 2 weeks every month.

Fortunately, after months of literal sleepless hell, I found an amazing nanny (35hrs/week) and we have an emergency college student babysitter this is the most that we can afford, we are maxed out. DH’s mom has come to help on two occasions and it’s obvious that she is not interested in childcare or household work. She is another person for me to take care of so I put an end to that.

We have spent hours and hours hashing this out and he thinks we should just throw more money that we don’t really have at the problem and I should suck it up. He doesn’t understand how difficult it is to find good help especially for multiples.Our first nanny that I spent months looking for quit bc it was too much for her. Besides that I feel that he knew what he signed up for and took this job as a break from childcare. I believe that we should be the ones raising our children and when they’re all in school full-time he can focus on his career.

DH returned from a week long trip and we are barely speaking. He comes home "exhausted" from travel and takes naps. The twins are sleep trained but are going through a sleep regression so I am beyond tired. I do 100% of the cooking and most of the things needed to run a household. Due to health issues, I eat mostly clean so ordering out is not an option. When DH is available he’s an excellent, hands on parent who the kids love. I am not sure what to do next. DH is not planning on leaving the company because he thinks it will be sold soon and he will get a large payout. Right now I am in survival mode while WFH and my intrusive thoughts tell me that if we were divorced then at least I’d get a break but that wouldn’t be fair on the kids. Any advice please ?

TLDR: DH’s new job requires travel 50% of the time while I am WFH with 3 high energy boys. DH won’t find a new job. We cannot afford more help. Advice?

He doesn't listen to you and doesn't care about you. Your only choice left is to be as selfish as he is. He's not abusive, so you can do this without harming your kids. When he comes home from travel, you immediately leave for a few days "to relax". You don't have to travel or take time off work, just stay at a hotel with your phone turned off so you can sleep. He can figure out how to hire help. If he has an emergency, he can figure out what to do on his own, just like you would have to if you had an emergency while he was gone. If he ends up being fine with this arrangement, you can feel less resentful about his travel because you know you will get a lovely break when he returns. But I suspect he will not be fine with this arrangement because it is so much work. Then he can decide if he would like a divorce, and have this responsibility for 50% of the time, or if he would like to grow up and actually be a parenting partner with you.

Grrrrlllll I just spent 1 week without my DH and I do not envy anyone who has to do this on the regular. It was all hands on deck and I never felt relaxed, anxious, couldn't sleep, the kids behaviors ramped up. Definitely get yourself some help, it is literally survival mode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thank you all for your advice and sympathy. It truly means a lot. I thought I'd get a ton of hate bc I choose to have this many kids and I have a nanny. I already feel re-energized reading the comments that are literally the same thoughts going through my head every night so I feel less crazy about my life and options.

A few things I wanted to clear up- not working isn't an option. That would only deepen my resentment. Being a full time SAHM would be harder than my current situation at least with the nanny I can nap when I'm desperate. My job could not be more family friendly, you dont just quit this type of job and think that it will be waiting for you.

Another thing about hiring more childcare is that 1. We would have to stop saving for retirement which I am sort of ok doing temporarily if our current nanny agrees to more hours. She's an absolute angel so I dont want to burn bridges with her. 2) Safety- the twins are almost 2 and my oldest DS is in K. They are super rambunctious, high energy boys. Not to be dramatic but not that many people can handle kids these ages safely. I know because I have tried and there have been accidents. I cannot handle one more thing. When the twins are 3 I'd feel more comfortable with other childcare options like an aupair.

With therapy and further negotiations, I can suck this up for maybe 6months- a year. If my husband leaves this job, the company is sold and he misses the payout that would be the end for us. He would never forgive me. He even says now that he got this far bc he didnt listen to me and that his next position will be even more rewarding.

First I am going to negotiate his work hours while he is at home, 6pm is the cutoff and he can log on again when the kids are in bed.

Also now, I feel like traveling is part of his identity. He loves to tell people that he's on a red eye or what he new restaurant he tried or that he'll be in London next week. The whole process of packing, airports etc brings him joy. I get it. That was me prior to having kids. I introduced him to travel. I just stupidly thought that it was obvious that now with 3 kids it was over until they are more independent. I am not saying that I never want him to travel for work. I could manage a very short monthly trip but it's the last minute 1-2 week trips that are killing me.

But again thank you especially to those of you with multiples that have been where I am. I have a lot of options to consider and I have already told my DH that I am fully off duty tonight and this weekend. I will seek individual therapy for myself then couples therapy so I know how to best approach this. In my heart, I do not want a divorce at this time.

Wow. He really doubled down on being an asshole.

Got to say I agree. He knows you are struggling, he in no way kept his promise to help you figure it out and he’s perfectly happy because it’s working out for him? That’s almost worse than doing this without your agreement in the first place, which you could partly chalk up to an overly optimistic outlook on how it would work out. You sound really pragmatic, OP, and I would definitely make divorce a last resort for lots of reasons but WOW.

Also, you are probably in the worst of it now but it’s going to be a while before things are easy. Please don’t assume in 2 years you will be ok with this set up and you should not have to be. I’m a believer that any set up can work if everyone agrees, including one person doing essentially all the childcare that isn’t outsourced. The problem here is that you didn’t agree, he didn’t care and then didn’t help resolve it. That’s what I’d be hung up on. Good for you for thinking about therapy to thoughtfully approach how you want to move forward.

I’m with this. Op I know in your heart of hearts you don’t want a divorce but you should have a plan for one

Your husband is the biggest asshole I have seen on DCUM (and I’ve been reading for ten years) who wasn’t a known cheater or addict (I tend to think he may. be cheating or wound jump at the chance at least, but that is for another day). He has made it clear that he is going to keep leaving more and more. He will never be there to help out, and in my estimation if there ever is a payout it will be spent on a second family. I’m being brutal on purpose. Get yourself some therapy and get your head straight. Please don’t come back here in ten years permanently mommy tracked and used up from this bs roller coaster. Threaten to divorce now and make him choose. A therapist will tell you that if he chooses divorce now he would have done it later anyway this way. And if he doesn’t want that in his heart of hearts, he will go find a job that actually works for your family instead and go back to being a linked d*k instead of the plunging flaming a-hole he is now

[Anonymous]

I would start with a weekend off. Leave Dh with all 3 kids and go to visit a friend or a hotel for 2 nights. Start there.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. Some of the advice here is overwhelming and I know it's hard to hear people say your husband is the worst when they know nothing about him besides what you shared.

I was in a similar situation and things didn't get better until I got selfish and we got a marriage therapist. I had been saying the same thing for years but when a third-part pprofessional said things something clicked in his head. He needed to hear it from another person and it being a professional to put things into perspective helped. He realized we had serious problems and it took us months to talk through it but so glad we did. I also had health issues and put myself first because I realized if I'm sick I can't fully be there for my kids.

You weren't hear for the judgement towards your family. You'll get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He gets ZERO discretionary spending or time. This was his bargain. His hobby is work. What he spends money and time on is work (money being spending money because he can't contribute to childcare). He doesn't get to watch sports, go to dinner with his buddies. He chose this and now he needs to spend 100% of his free time and money on your family.

Such stupid advice.

Why? This is what her husband did to her. She has no time or discretionary money because of his selfish choice.