How to get over traveling spouse resentment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry, that sounds frustrating and exhausting. I really hate that he has put you in this position.

Having said that (100% on your side here, this is for practical reasons) the first thing I would do is take him up on his suggestion to throw money at this problem and hire more help. The reason I say yes to this, even if it's a stretch financially, is that I think you are in crisis mode and you need rest and support. If your DH isn't providing it, the minimum he can do is pay for it. I would think of this as a temporary solution to ease the situation for you so that you can take next steps.

I think once childcare/house management is under control, the next step is couples counseling. And I would not take no for an answer from him. Use the D word (divorce) if you have to -- he need to understand how serious this. You guys are not merely in a high stress period, there has been a serious breach of trust and it has to be addressed before you can move forward. I don't care if he has to dial in to therapy sessions from the road, I think this is essential if you want to salvage your marriage. You need to work through how/why he felt he could make this decision unilaterally, knowing the extreme burden it would put on you, and you need to get to a place where you feel confident he won't do this again. I view his decision as completely out of bounds for any marriage with kids -- you simply do not dump the majority of childcare/housework on your spouse for a job without her agreement. You do not do it.

The next thing I'd do is assess options and make a list. Obviously at the top of his list is "keep job, pay for more help, hope for big payout soon." Fine, that can be on the list. But other options need to be on there too, including him maybe going back to his old job, finding a new job, or (and ONLY if this is something that appeals to you) you taking a leave of absence at your work to get you through the most expensive childcare period with your twins and get your older DS into school. I would only consider that last one if you are really, really committed to the marriage working and think it will, because of course you do not want to leave your job, even temporarily, if you might split up.

Then I'd create a timeframe with him. You cannot wait around for an indefinite period of time for this big payout. But maybe with additional help you'd be willing to give him a year. Maybe you are not and need him to leave that job now. I'm not you so I can't decide for you. But I'd be considered the pros and cons of everything. If there is a chance he could make a lot of money in the next year or so, I might be willing to "suck it up" until the as long I'm not completely drowning. But of course I'd only be willing to do that if he was doing the work in therapy to understand why taking the job against my wishes was disrespectful in the first place. I'd also be looking for some quid pro quo on this. If you have career or personal goals that have been put on hiatus while having kids and after he pulled this stupid stunt, I'd be looking for his support in accomplishing those when his stint in this job ends (especially if it ends with a big financial payoff). You don't exist just to help him achieve his goals. It's a partnership.

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Like I said, totally on your side. But he did this and now you are in a bind, so you've got to figure out how to address the situation as it stands, even as you continue to be justifiably angry with him for putting you in the situation.

Best of luck to you. Sleep regressions end! I know it doesn't feel that way right now. If we were friends IRL I'd come spend the night at your house tonight so you could go to a hotel and sleep.

OP here..Thank you for this! it was very thoughtful. I don't want to stop working it would be too hard to return to my very sought after position. My only option is therapy and an ultimatum. I have 6 months left in me and that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is easily the nuttiest part of your narrative

While I was on maternity leave with the twins with many health complications, DH’s co-worker convinced him (referral bonus) to leave his current job and move over to the new company. The new job required 25% travel. DH was hesitant but excited and I was fully against this as we were already struggling finding childcare and no had other help. Against my wishes he accepted the new position saying that with the raise we could hire more help and his mom would come more often while he’s away as it would only be a 2-3 days max. The position is global so he is rarely available to help during the week until 7:30pm then works late into the night. Travel has picked up and he’s gone about 2 weeks every month.

How did that conversation even play out?

"I'm really excited about a new job that pays slightly more!"

"I am fully against this." *one baby hanging off of each boob*

"Ok, cool. I hear you and I'm doing it anyways."

I know you're looking for ways to get over the resentment, but I don't think I could get over that, OP.

Hope you're able to find some calm!

OP here- I could cry thinking back on this..it's mostly how it went one baby hanging off each boob then a 30 min pump session after. At first he called and declined the offer...he knew it was a terrible idea. The next morning he said he slept it and after speaking to his co-worker he called back and accepted the offer. He said he would figure it all out to make it work. I was speechless then I went into a rage but here we are today. I lose so much sleep at night just going over this again and again full of resentment.

[Anonymous]

OP - how much does your DH make with this new job? Is it enough for you to truly outsource everything as much as possible? How old are your kids now?

I feel really bad for you and your situation - it really is a low blow by your DH. Mine works a ton and I have 3 kids as well but he would never unilaterally make a big decision like that without me. Also working a lot from home is different than being on the road.

[Anonymous]

My husband took a travel position wgen I was pregnant. It was a panic move and I was not happy about it. Left for first 3 week post 2 months post birth (and took no paternity leave). Traveled weeks of every month for 5 years. Our relationship never rebounded. I no longer resent him, but I also am no longer in love with him. We are coparents. With money to support the home end I might have weathered it better. Max out your paid help and take days off for yourself with a sitter when he’s away, and multi night solo trips when he’s home (and you feel like babes are old enough for you all to not be stressed). Unilateral decisions are crappy. I’m sorry this is happening. That said, you can do this.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there and see if the company is sold. Your situation could change dramatically for the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there and see if the company is sold. Your situation could change dramatically for the better.

For how long? 6 months? A year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband took a travel position wgen I was pregnant. It was a panic move and I was not happy about it. Left for first 3 week post 2 months post birth (and took no paternity leave). Traveled weeks of every month for 5 years. Our relationship never rebounded. I no longer resent him, but I also am no longer in love with him. We are coparents. With money to support the home end I might have weathered it better. Max out your paid help and take days off for yourself with a sitter when he’s away, and multi night solo trips when he’s home (and you feel like babes are old enough for you all to not be stressed). Unilateral decisions are crappy. I’m sorry this is happening. That said, you can do this.

Sorry that you went through this. I have similar feelings. I am not sure how we can get past this since I do not trust him anymore.

[Anonymous]

Do not, do not, quit your job. You seem to realize this wouldn’t be a good idea given the way this all went down (in such a unilateral way - huge red flag).

[Anonymous]

Yes I think you suck it up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not, do not, quit your job. You seem to realize this wouldn’t be a good idea given the way this all went down (in such a unilateral way - huge red flag).

OP here- DH has suggested it many times but that is not a viable solution for me. I'd be a burned out single parent with no options or bargaining tools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry, that sounds frustrating and exhausting. I really hate that he has put you in this position.

Having said that (100% on your side here, this is for practical reasons) the first thing I would do is take him up on his suggestion to throw money at this problem and hire more help. The reason I say yes to this, even if it's a stretch financially, is that I think you are in crisis mode and you need rest and support. If your DH isn't providing it, the minimum he can do is pay for it. I would think of this as a temporary solution to ease the situation for you so that you can take next steps.

I think once childcare/house management is under control, the next step is couples counseling. And I would not take no for an answer from him. Use the D word (divorce) if you have to -- he need to understand how serious this. You guys are not merely in a high stress period, there has been a serious breach of trust and it has to be addressed before you can move forward. I don't care if he has to dial in to therapy sessions from the road, I think this is essential if you want to salvage your marriage. You need to work through how/why he felt he could make this decision unilaterally, knowing the extreme burden it would put on you, and you need to get to a place where you feel confident he won't do this again. I view his decision as completely out of bounds for any marriage with kids -- you simply do not dump the majority of childcare/housework on your spouse for a job without her agreement. You do not do it.

The next thing I'd do is assess options and make a list. Obviously at the top of his list is "keep job, pay for more help, hope for big payout soon." Fine, that can be on the list. But other options need to be on there too, including him maybe going back to his old job, finding a new job, or (and ONLY if this is something that appeals to you) you taking a leave of absence at your work to get you through the most expensive childcare period with your twins and get your older DS into school. I would only consider that last one if you are really, really committed to the marriage working and think it will, because of course you do not want to leave your job, even temporarily, if you might split up.

Then I'd create a timeframe with him. You cannot wait around for an indefinite period of time for this big payout. But maybe with additional help you'd be willing to give him a year. Maybe you are not and need him to leave that job now. I'm not you so I can't decide for you. But I'd be considered the pros and cons of everything. If there is a chance he could make a lot of money in the next year or so, I might be willing to "suck it up" until the as long I'm not completely drowning. But of course I'd only be willing to do that if he was doing the work in therapy to understand why taking the job against my wishes was disrespectful in the first place. I'd also be looking for some quid pro quo on this. If you have career or personal goals that have been put on hiatus while having kids and after he pulled this stupid stunt, I'd be looking for his support in accomplishing those when his stint in this job ends (especially if it ends with a big financial payoff). You don't exist just to help him achieve his goals. It's a partnership.

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Like I said, totally on your side. But he did this and now you are in a bind, so you've got to figure out how to address the situation as it stands, even as you continue to be justifiably angry with him for putting you in the situation.

Best of luck to you. Sleep regressions end! I know it doesn't feel that way right now. If we were friends IRL I'd come spend the night at your house tonight so you could go to a hotel and sleep.

OP here..Thank you for this! it was very thoughtful. I don't want to stop working it would be too hard to return to my very sought after position. My only option is therapy and an ultimatum. I have 6 months left in me and that's it.

So you're unwilling to disrupt your career, but disrupting his is your preferred option?

That's going to go well.

[Anonymous]

Definitely do not quit. For sure he needs to get up with the twins when he is home. Wake him up each and every time the babies wake up. When he naps, send a child in there to play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry, that sounds frustrating and exhausting. I really hate that he has put you in this position.

Having said that (100% on your side here, this is for practical reasons) the first thing I would do is take him up on his suggestion to throw money at this problem and hire more help. The reason I say yes to this, even if it's a stretch financially, is that I think you are in crisis mode and you need rest and support. If your DH isn't providing it, the minimum he can do is pay for it. I would think of this as a temporary solution to ease the situation for you so that you can take next steps.

I think once childcare/house management is under control, the next step is couples counseling. And I would not take no for an answer from him. Use the D word (divorce) if you have to -- he need to understand how serious this. You guys are not merely in a high stress period, there has been a serious breach of trust and it has to be addressed before you can move forward. I don't care if he has to dial in to therapy sessions from the road, I think this is essential if you want to salvage your marriage. You need to work through how/why he felt he could make this decision unilaterally, knowing the extreme burden it would put on you, and you need to get to a place where you feel confident he won't do this again. I view his decision as completely out of bounds for any marriage with kids -- you simply do not dump the majority of childcare/housework on your spouse for a job without her agreement. You do not do it.

The next thing I'd do is assess options and make a list. Obviously at the top of his list is "keep job, pay for more help, hope for big payout soon." Fine, that can be on the list. But other options need to be on there too, including him maybe going back to his old job, finding a new job, or (and ONLY if this is something that appeals to you) you taking a leave of absence at your work to get you through the most expensive childcare period with your twins and get your older DS into school. I would only consider that last one if you are really, really committed to the marriage working and think it will, because of course you do not want to leave your job, even temporarily, if you might split up.

Then I'd create a timeframe with him. You cannot wait around for an indefinite period of time for this big payout. But maybe with additional help you'd be willing to give him a year. Maybe you are not and need him to leave that job now. I'm not you so I can't decide for you. But I'd be considered the pros and cons of everything. If there is a chance he could make a lot of money in the next year or so, I might be willing to "suck it up" until the as long I'm not completely drowning. But of course I'd only be willing to do that if he was doing the work in therapy to understand why taking the job against my wishes was disrespectful in the first place. I'd also be looking for some quid pro quo on this. If you have career or personal goals that have been put on hiatus while having kids and after he pulled this stupid stunt, I'd be looking for his support in accomplishing those when his stint in this job ends (especially if it ends with a big financial payoff). You don't exist just to help him achieve his goals. It's a partnership.

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Like I said, totally on your side. But he did this and now you are in a bind, so you've got to figure out how to address the situation as it stands, even as you continue to be justifiably angry with him for putting you in the situation.

Best of luck to you. Sleep regressions end! I know it doesn't feel that way right now. If we were friends IRL I'd come spend the night at your house tonight so you could go to a hotel and sleep.

OP here..Thank you for this! it was very thoughtful. I don't want to stop working it would be too hard to return to my very sought after position. My only option is therapy and an ultimatum. I have 6 months left in me and that's it.

So you're unwilling to disrupt your career, but disrupting his is your preferred option?

That's going to go well.

Sorry but my career isn’t the source of our problems. I WFH no travel. Flexible schedule. Why should I stop working ?

[Anonymous]

OP, as a fellow parent of twins, sending lots of empathy your way. The other thing you write that jumped out at me is that your husband comes home from work travel and TAKES A NAP.

For some reason, he is not taking your exhaustion seriously. So you need to make him feel it. He needs to know that you are at your breaking point, in whatever way you can communicate that. My guess is that he literally has not done enough solo kid care to have any idea what you are juggling.

To the extent that it is possible (given age of the babies, etc), check out of kid care and household stuff every minute he is home. When he arrives home from a trip, LEAVE. Go to a hotel, go to a friend's house, get yourself a break. For a day or two. Every time.

Divide up household tasks between yourselves so that it feels fair to you, and he needs to find time to get them done (doing household work from 7:30-10pm while you have a glass of wine, bath, and go to bed early would be a good start).

Him failing to follow through on this stuff would be a reason for escalation for me. Potential future payout or not, you are drowning now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry, that sounds frustrating and exhausting. I really hate that he has put you in this position.

Having said that (100% on your side here, this is for practical reasons) the first thing I would do is take him up on his suggestion to throw money at this problem and hire more help. The reason I say yes to this, even if it's a stretch financially, is that I think you are in crisis mode and you need rest and support. If your DH isn't providing it, the minimum he can do is pay for it. I would think of this as a temporary solution to ease the situation for you so that you can take next steps.

I think once childcare/house management is under control, the next step is couples counseling. And I would not take no for an answer from him. Use the D word (divorce) if you have to -- he need to understand how serious this. You guys are not merely in a high stress period, there has been a serious breach of trust and it has to be addressed before you can move forward. I don't care if he has to dial in to therapy sessions from the road, I think this is essential if you want to salvage your marriage. You need to work through how/why he felt he could make this decision unilaterally, knowing the extreme burden it would put on you, and you need to get to a place where you feel confident he won't do this again. I view his decision as completely out of bounds for any marriage with kids -- you simply do not dump the majority of childcare/housework on your spouse for a job without her agreement. You do not do it.

The next thing I'd do is assess options and make a list. Obviously at the top of his list is "keep job, pay for more help, hope for big payout soon." Fine, that can be on the list. But other options need to be on there too, including him maybe going back to his old job, finding a new job, or (and ONLY if this is something that appeals to you) you taking a leave of absence at your work to get you through the most expensive childcare period with your twins and get your older DS into school. I would only consider that last one if you are really, really committed to the marriage working and think it will, because of course you do not want to leave your job, even temporarily, if you might split up.

Then I'd create a timeframe with him. You cannot wait around for an indefinite period of time for this big payout. But maybe with additional help you'd be willing to give him a year. Maybe you are not and need him to leave that job now. I'm not you so I can't decide for you. But I'd be considered the pros and cons of everything. If there is a chance he could make a lot of money in the next year or so, I might be willing to "suck it up" until the as long I'm not completely drowning. But of course I'd only be willing to do that if he was doing the work in therapy to understand why taking the job against my wishes was disrespectful in the first place. I'd also be looking for some quid pro quo on this. If you have career or personal goals that have been put on hiatus while having kids and after he pulled this stupid stunt, I'd be looking for his support in accomplishing those when his stint in this job ends (especially if it ends with a big financial payoff). You don't exist just to help him achieve his goals. It's a partnership.

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Like I said, totally on your side. But he did this and now you are in a bind, so you've got to figure out how to address the situation as it stands, even as you continue to be justifiably angry with him for putting you in the situation.

Best of luck to you. Sleep regressions end! I know it doesn't feel that way right now. If we were friends IRL I'd come spend the night at your house tonight so you could go to a hotel and sleep.

OP here..Thank you for this! it was very thoughtful. I don't want to stop working it would be too hard to return to my very sought after position. My only option is therapy and an ultimatum. I have 6 months left in me and that's it.

So you're unwilling to disrupt your career, but disrupting his is your preferred option?

That's going to go well.

Sorry but my career isn’t the source of our problems. I WFH no travel. Flexible schedule. Why should I stop working ?

I'm not saying you should stop working. I'm saying that demanding that your husband change jobs which he likes and took, apparently, because he felt his prior job was precarious, while refusing to discuss any changes to your own employment, isn't likely to go well. Particularly if you couch it as an ultimatum. But, try it and see for yourself.