Reply to My wife cheated on me for 2 years with a co-worker...

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]^overwhelmingly in favor of telling.

The only circumstance suggesting not to tell was if the kids had no idea and you weren’t divorcing.

If they have suspicion, if family knows and it could slip out, if you already have g/friend, b/friend, if it was with a person they know...

Re-read BOTH articles and not with a self-serving view of not having to face people knowing what you did.[/quote]

No, not overwhelmingly in favor of telling. You’re just plain wrong. Also, it’s the opinion on one therapist. Hardly the gospel.

Yeah, telling children their mother is a horrible person will surely make the divorce easier for everyone. I’m starting to believe you were cheated on and chose to tell your children. That’s horrible in my opinion.  [/quote]

NOBODY (NOT EITHER ARTICLE EITHER) is saying tell the kids mom is a horrible person.  They do, however, say that kids should be told what mom did in many circumstances/situations.   I guess by what you have written you think that people that cheat are horrible people so want to hide your actions.
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“Admitting to an affair will likely cause problems in your relationship with your child. But, rebuilding and working through the anger your child feels will be easier if you are honest with him or her from the beginning,” Meyer writes.

In his book, “Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy,” Dr. Frank Pittman pushes parents to disclose everything to their children. In his view, keeping secrets from family members will essentially rob the family of closeness and create disorientation -- which can have an unexpected ripple effect.

“Children who experience secrecy and lies cannot trust what they are told. They become insecure and dependent,” explains Pittman. “When the framework of the family finally collapses, there may be no honest relationships to fall back on. The children feel cast adrift."

Meyer and Pittman clearly approach the issue from the standpoint of building trust with children during a difficult time. On the other hand, Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor, has written about how he views it as more of an issue of accountability and repentance -- particularly for those couples who want to stay in the marriage.

Specifically, he believes that complete disclosure with those closest to the couple, including young children, will help to prevent a recurrence or continuation of the infidelity.

In a book that he co-wrote with Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, called "Surviving an Affair,“ he explains, "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery."

In fact, Harley and Chalmers argue that children as young as seven should be informed about parental infidelity, as should any extended family, friends, clergy and even the "other person's" spouse.

As you can see, there is no “one-size-fits-all” solution to this question.  If there was, we’d see unanimous agreement among the experts in the field. Telling your kids about infidelity is a personal decision that needs to be made by  parents, based on individual circumstances.

The thing that most experts agree on, however, is that parents need to present a united front in communicating with the kids. Agree together on what information will and will not be shared, as well as the motivations behind the decision.[/quote]

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