Everything was great for 6 months and then family finds out and boom: he ends it. Advice?

[Anonymous]

In many cultures someone with kids already is bad news. It's baggage. Why have it when there are hundreds of millions of single people available? This is not to disrespect you. But, I would not want my kids to marry someone who was divorced with kids already. No thanks. Find someone else. Life is hard already, why add more drama if you don't NEED to?

[Anonymous]

He has chosen his family over you.
You have no choice but to accept his decision.
You can decide, if he changes his mind, what to do. But don't hold your breath.

Live and learn. He has learned that his family opinion on this matters. You have learned.... dating after divorce as a single mom really sucks (I am one too). Don't get emotionally invested until he does (ie a ring). And I say that as someone who never wants to get married again. Marriage is too much work and having a spouse is like having another child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In many cultures someone with kids already is bad news. It's baggage. Why have it when there are hundreds of millions of single people available? This is not to disrespect you. But, I would not want my kids to marry someone who was divorced with kids already. No thanks. Find someone else. Life is hard already, why add more drama if you don't NEED to?

OP here: I am well aware of this (this is the same for my family)...which is why I asked several times at the start if my status was going to be a problem...I said you can date anyone and not someone with baggage...he said he still wanted to see only me and it did not matter. He also said he was beyond looking to marry and have kids and that family pressure was over and it was dealt with. That is why I am surprised he mentioned me at all. If there was not going to be marriage and kids, and family pressure was over, there was no reason to mention me because obviously, it is just going to end it. He said he did not want to get married to anyone multiple times so I thought we were on the same page. I really do not think he should have pursued me. I was completely upfront about my status and concerns. I did not my emotional guard down until very recently...and this happened shortly thereafter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not mad. I am shocked he did not expect that reaction. It seems really immature. I would not mention unless serious. By the way, only typical Americans in my opinion, would think this. I would not mention anyone unless at a serious stage. In conservative families with strong cultural ties, there is no reason to bring up a boyfriend or girlfriend unless you are considering marriage. “Dating” is not really acceptable. Most people in the US do not understand this. I am American but have very conservative strong cultural ties so I am not like most Americans. You just don’t bring up a random boyfriend/girlfriend.

New poster here. I echo the question “what are you looking for”? If it’s a FWB situation then anyone can bounce for any reason and boomerang back for any reason. Usually, it’s assumed to be a limited time or an in between or until. If that is what you want, then sure, take him back if he comes back but with eyes wide open that he could buckle to pressure to get married to someone his parents encourage or break up again if he wants more than a FWB situation and knows that it will never fly with his family if it’s with you. But I have to question though why there is all this emotion, him with tears at the breakup, and you bewildered about why the FWB had to come to an end if it was a short term arrangement to start. If you are looking for a long term monogamous situation, even one that doesn’t mean marriage or kids, unless his parents have accepted that he is never going to marry or have kids or he is willing to stand up to them get them to accept that (which at this point sounds unlikely) you are wasting your time. It doesn’t matter if he keeps it secret because he would still have the pressure of being unmarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not mad. I am shocked he did not expect that reaction. It seems really immature. I would not mention unless serious. By the way, only typical Americans in my opinion, would think this. I would not mention anyone unless at a serious stage. In conservative families with strong cultural ties, there is no reason to bring up a boyfriend or girlfriend unless you are considering marriage. “Dating” is not really acceptable. Most people in the US do not understand this. I am American but have very conservative strong cultural ties so I am not like most Americans. You just don’t bring up a random boyfriend/girlfriend.

New poster here. I echo the question “what are you looking for”? If it’s a FWB situation then anyone can bounce for any reason and boomerang back for any reason. Usually, it’s assumed to be a limited time or an in between or until. If that is what you want, then sure, take him back if he comes back but with eyes wide open that he could buckle to pressure to get married to someone his parents encourage or break up again if he wants more than a FWB situation and knows that it will never fly with his family if it’s with you. But I have to question though why there is all this emotion, him with tears at the breakup, and you bewildered about why the FWB had to come to an end if it was a short term arrangement to start. If you are looking for a long term monogamous situation, even one that doesn’t mean marriage or kids, unless his parents have accepted that he is never going to marry or have kids or he is willing to stand up to them get them to accept that (which at this point sounds unlikely) you are wasting your time. It doesn’t matter if he keeps it secret because he would still have the pressure of being unmarried.

OP here: This was not a short-term FWB situation. It was meant to be a long-term situation that did not involve marriage. The problem is that they have not accepted he is over the marriage and kids thing. Not seeing me will not solve his problem. He has not dealt with that apparently but he had indicated he had. If they truly understood that, this would be less of a shock. But also, I don't see the point of it even coming up if it is going to met with disapproval. This situation showed me he had not truly dealt with family pressure issues like he indicated he had. They backed off a long time ago. But what he told me repeatedly he has not told them directly. He was just ignoring questions. He thought my mentioning me it might stop those questions of "have you met someone"? not realizing it would blow up. It blew up of course but I think a lot of that has to due with the fact that he has not had direct conversations about what he wants in life now and it is not that tradtional path it might have been 10 years ago. He expressed that he did not want a baby at this point in his life many times. He should man up and tell them that because otherwise, he has going to have to deal with family pressure that has nothing to do with me personally. No one is going to fit in the US with their expecations. At age 40 and over, most people have baggage and a past. It is just reality he and they are going to have to deal with. Even mid 30s might not look "perfect."

[Anonymous]

At this point OP has spent more time on this thread than in her relationship. What’s the point of the post-mortem? There are plenty of other fish in the ocean.

[Anonymous]

OP you are so focused on him and them and why's and what's.

You need to stay really centered on your feelings and not the mind chatter of but I did this or why would he say that.

You don't know all the details, but you know enough. You know that this man dropped you at the turn of a hat. You can't go back in time and change that. Even if he showed up 'perfectly' and wanted to recommit I would see that as a huge red flag, for now he has learned exactly how to control you and keep a lot of focus on him instead of you, how low he can take it, all of that - that you will throw away thoughts of what is truly best for you.

You need to dig deep and find your self worth. These things don't randomly happen in healthy relationships. What warning signs did you choose to ignore and why? What parts of you were so eager for 'the dream' that you created it with someone of unstable character?

Rewrite the experience only about you, no mentions of he/him/them/his family. Only focused on you and see what comes up. Do free flow writing for 20-30min or so, it might help.

It's hard to face this stuff and take radical responsibility but essential and in the end you will be much further ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get the OP is from an oppressive culture/religious background. If you are going to date someone outside our own oppressive family's culture- do yourself a favor and at least don't pick someone with an equally oppressive culture they are bound to. JFC, do please never learn?

The problem is people from similar oppressive culture/religious backgrounds seems to understand me better. I think even if the culture itself is different, the mentality is the same. The typical American has no understanding of these things. I do not care anymore. I am in my 40s...I am over the family crap...he said he was the same....but apparently not. I actually now think he just never dealt with it and thought it would go away and he could “age out” of the family pressure by avoiding it. I think he thought at this age, it would not be as big of a deal, but he is wrong.

So, American men don't understand you and men from similar oppressive/religious backgrounds have families that won't accept you (divorced/kids/not their exact culture). Where does that leave you?

If you are "over" your cultural oppression, you need to stop seeking it out in partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not mad. I am shocked he did not expect that reaction. It seems really immature. I would not mention unless serious. By the way, only typical Americans in my opinion, would think this. I would not mention anyone unless at a serious stage. In conservative families with strong cultural ties, there is no reason to bring up a boyfriend or girlfriend unless you are considering marriage. “Dating” is not really acceptable. Most people in the US do not understand this. I am American but have very conservative strong cultural ties so I am not like most Americans. You just don’t bring up a random boyfriend/girlfriend.

New poster here. I echo the question “what are you looking for”? If it’s a FWB situation then anyone can bounce for any reason and boomerang back for any reason. Usually, it’s assumed to be a limited time or an in between or until. If that is what you want, then sure, take him back if he comes back but with eyes wide open that he could buckle to pressure to get married to someone his parents encourage or break up again if he wants more than a FWB situation and knows that it will never fly with his family if it’s with you. But I have to question though why there is all this emotion, him with tears at the breakup, and you bewildered about why the FWB had to come to an end if it was a short term arrangement to start. If you are looking for a long term monogamous situation, even one that doesn’t mean marriage or kids, unless his parents have accepted that he is never going to marry or have kids or he is willing to stand up to them get them to accept that (which at this point sounds unlikely) you are wasting your time. It doesn’t matter if he keeps it secret because he would still have the pressure of being unmarried.

OP here: This was not a short-term FWB situation. It was meant to be a long-term situation that did not involve marriage. The problem is that they have not accepted he is over the marriage and kids thing. Not seeing me will not solve his problem. He has not dealt with that apparently but he had indicated he had. If they truly understood that, this would be less of a shock. But also, I don't see the point of it even coming up if it is going to met with disapproval. This situation showed me he had not truly dealt with family pressure issues like he indicated he had. They backed off a long time ago. But what he told me repeatedly he has not told them directly. He was just ignoring questions. He thought my mentioning me it might stop those questions of "have you met someone"? not realizing it would blow up. It blew up of course but I think a lot of that has to due with the fact that he has not had direct conversations about what he wants in life now and it is not that tradtional path it might have been 10 years ago. He expressed that he did not want a baby at this point in his life many times. He should man up and tell them that because otherwise, he has going to have to deal with family pressure that has nothing to do with me personally. No one is going to fit in the US with their expecations. At age 40 and over, most people have baggage and a past. It is just reality he and they are going to have to deal with. Even mid 30s might not look "perfect."

PP here. OP, you just answered your own question. You should not think of taking him back, unless he has had direct conversations with his family and they have accepted he isn’t marrying and having kids. The question would be how would you know he actually had those direct conversations and not just telling you want you want to hear.

[Anonymous]

He’s just not that into you. The reason doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want to be with you. His reasons might be stupid in your view, but it doesn’t even matter what they are. The result is the same-you’re not together.

You have every right to feel sad, but dissecting and parsing his reasons is just an exercise in denying reality.

[Anonymous]

No one is denying reality. I am not going to respond to anymore posts. Every time someone asks I question, and I respond, it seems people are making up scenarios or assuming I am feeling certain things.

All I asked in my first post...is did a dodge I bullet. I have had several "I miss you texts" since the break up and that is why I asked.

Thanks. Signing off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suchhhhh an Indian......signed another Indian

And I thought Arab Muslim.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suchhhhh an Indian......signed another Indian

And I thought Arab Muslim.....

A conservative Jewish family would have had a similar reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't serious with him so why are you giving this so much though?

It would not have worked out for you in the long run.

Cut your losses and move on.

OP here...because it seemed like it could have potential to last a very long time. I want a long-term relationship. I just don't want to get married again. I do not think family ever needed to know. He said before he was not looking for marriage and kids. We seemed to be on the same page. This threw me. I would not have mentioned to family if marriage and kids were not in the future...I feel that this could have been the long-term relationship I wanted that did not have to result in marriage. I see no reason family needed to know unless marriage was discussed. It wasn't.

With you OP, he was not looking for marriage and kids WITH YOU.
His family on the other hand will absolutely be looking for those things, again not WITH YOU and so they have forced him to reconcile with their plans for his life.
He made his choice. Time to move on.

This, OP. I'm married to an Egyptian. My case is a bit different since he had been married to an Egyptian before me, had kids, and was divorced. His family was thrilled with me and thrilled with our marriage and our kids together. But it's unusual. And likely would never have happened if he hadn't already married the "right" way and divorced. I have many American female friends who have dated Egyptians and even married them. One was the same situation as you and she married. His family began to pressure him to take a second wife so he could have kids (my friend was too old). He did, and my friend divorced him. I can give you countless stories of Egyptian men who have used American women for green cards. Married and divorced them after they got here and their green cards or citizenship were solid. Men who took second wives back home to have children. Older men, too. 40 isn't old when family is pressuring men to marry and have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is denying reality. I am not going to respond to anymore posts. Every time someone asks I question, and I respond, it seems people are making up scenarios or assuming I am feeling certain things.

All I asked in my first post...is did a dodge I bullet. I have had several "I miss you texts" since the break up and that is why I asked.

Thanks. Signing off.

They're "I miss you" texts. If they were "You matter to me more than my family and I'm willing to leave them behind" texts, then you two would have a chance. You don't have a chance.