Everything was great for 6 months and then family finds out and boom: he ends it. Advice?

[Anonymous]

OP —I remember this when you first posted, and my initial thought was…yea, that’s not going to end well.

I’m American-born, but from one of the cultures mentioned in this thread — doesn’t really matter which, the general attitudes are the same.

What I wanted to say is that it very well could be that he didn’t KNOW what he wanted. When he met you, he liked you, thought he could have a longer term relationship with you, etc etc., but also was saying the right things to his parents to keep them happy. And then, when his family was opposed, he just couldn’t push back. Basically, he might not have gone into this relationship intending to bail as soon as they found someone suitable, but rather realized he wasn’t strong enough to buck tradition.

Those of us who have one foot in the west/America and one from a culture like Iran/India/Pakistan/Afghanistan, where there is a tradition of arranged marriages, filial piety, and men who have been babied by their moms, are frequently very conflicted over balancing the two. Usually we’ve worked it out by the time we’re in our mid-30s, but not always. Check out The Namesake for an excellent interpretation of this conflict.

I tried the matchmaking thing briefly and ran like hell, my brother, on the other hand, was an enthusiastic participant. He’s very happily married to a woman who is a great fit for him, but had two close calls that would have been disastrous had they had not blown up right before engagement/wedding.

I dated someone from another similar, completely incompatible, culture in college — we both completely understood the conflict, and it still sucked.

This is just a long winded way of saying, he may not have been intentionally devious when he said all those things. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t consider your relationship as dead as a doornail, but that it might be more pleasant to not assume that he was a lying dirtbag.

[Anonymous]

Men wills ay anything.
You dodged a bullet. Be grateful.
You learned something(s) from this experience, again, be glad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP —I remember this when you first posted, and my initial thought was…yea, that’s not going to end well.

I’m American-born, but from one of the cultures mentioned in this thread — doesn’t really matter which, the general attitudes are the same.

What I wanted to say is that it very well could be that he didn’t KNOW what he wanted. When he met you, he liked you, thought he could have a longer term relationship with you, etc etc., but also was saying the right things to his parents to keep them happy. And then, when his family was opposed, he just couldn’t push back. Basically, he might not have gone into this relationship intending to bail as soon as they found someone suitable, but rather realized he wasn’t strong enough to buck tradition.

Those of us who have one foot in the west/America and one from a culture like Iran/India/Pakistan/Afghanistan, where there is a tradition of arranged marriages, filial piety, and men who have been babied by their moms, are frequently very conflicted over balancing the two. Usually we’ve worked it out by the time we’re in our mid-30s, but not always. Check out The Namesake for an excellent interpretation of this conflict.

I tried the matchmaking thing briefly and ran like hell, my brother, on the other hand, was an enthusiastic participant. He’s very happily married to a woman who is a great fit for him, but had two close calls that would have been disastrous had they had not blown up right before engagement/wedding.

I dated someone from another similar, completely incompatible, culture in college — we both completely understood the conflict, and it still sucked.

This is just a long winded way of saying, he may not have been intentionally devious when he said all those things. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t consider your relationship as dead as a doornail, but that it might be more pleasant to not assume that he was a lying dirtbag.

OP here: this is my interpretation. I think he thought it would be okay and he could withstand the backlash but in the end, he could not and decided to do it their way since I would never be acceptable. By the way, I watched the Namesake with him. He had never seen it. It is one of my favorite movies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: As I mentioned, he and I were talking again late Feb to mid March. He said he wanted to see me and cancelled at the last minute and he said he was probably trying the “arranged marriage thing” because he “would not forgive himself if he did not at this age” but that he was not having a kid right away and “if this does not work, they can never pressure me again.” (The last time I saw him in person was late Jan. a month after the breakup…the entire month of January he was texting me he missed me, was confused and did not want to meet others…but his family was really pressuring him to just hurry up and get married.

He texted asked me a question in late March, I responded, but he never replied. He ignored a text a few weeks later.

I just found a post from his friend on Facebook that he had an arranged marriage last week. It was not on his page, but his friend’s. I am shocked it was so fast. I literally last saw him a little over 4 months ago. I do not know how he could actually be happy but who knows. I wonder if arranged marriages can last and be happy if they are rebounds or primarily done due to family pressure. I felt his feeling were real and he just made the decision to do it their way when he said they would never accept me. But part of me feels lied to (and I asked up front). I do wonder if he will be happy and if this kind of marriage will really work (not that I will ever find out).

So, that is a more recent (and final) update. I am very surprised at the speed.

If you are familiar with his culture then you know that’s not fast for an arranged marriage. I’m so curious why after so many months you are still clearly pining for him when you claim you didn’t want anything serious?

This is the part I don't understand. Why she is ruminating on this. They dated for 6 months. This thread is just about a week shy of being as long as their relationship was. I still think as I did way back when this thread first started OP has had her ego bruised, she thought she was in charge of the situation and she wasn't. Bruised egos suck. Sudden break ups suck. But When the thread you created about your break up is about to be the same age as the length of your relationship it's time to put the sucker to bed and move on, and if you can't well maybe a little bit of therapy is needed to help you move on.. You probably don't even need that just a new love interested , plenty of men to date this post covid summer, OP, go out there and get your freak on and forget about your ex boyfriend of 6 months.

Closing the story makes me feel better. I have moved on. I am allowed to feel shock at finding out he is already married. It hurts a little and that is ok.
I said it was boyfriend/girlfriend situation I thought could last years but not lead to marriage. I do not want to remarry.

The story was closed when he dumped ypu. You just want to have the final say, that's your ego. It's time to let it go. I'd be more sympathetic if this was a 1-2 year relationship. It was 6 months. Your expectations did not match reality. Time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP —I remember this when you first posted, and my initial thought was…yea, that’s not going to end well.

I’m American-born, but from one of the cultures mentioned in this thread — doesn’t really matter which, the general attitudes are the same.

What I wanted to say is that it very well could be that he didn’t KNOW what he wanted. When he met you, he liked you, thought he could have a longer term relationship with you, etc etc., but also was saying the right things to his parents to keep them happy. And then, when his family was opposed, he just couldn’t push back. Basically, he might not have gone into this relationship intending to bail as soon as they found someone suitable, but rather realized he wasn’t strong enough to buck tradition.

Those of us who have one foot in the west/America and one from a culture like Iran/India/Pakistan/Afghanistan, where there is a tradition of arranged marriages, filial piety, and men who have been babied by their moms, are frequently very conflicted over balancing the two. Usually we’ve worked it out by the time we’re in our mid-30s, but not always. Check out The Namesake for an excellent interpretation of this conflict.

I tried the matchmaking thing briefly and ran like hell, my brother, on the other hand, was an enthusiastic participant. He’s very happily married to a woman who is a great fit for him, but had two close calls that would have been disastrous had they had not blown up right before engagement/wedding.

I dated someone from another similar, completely incompatible, culture in college — we both completely understood the conflict, and it still sucked.

This is just a long winded way of saying, he may not have been intentionally devious when he said all those things. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t consider your relationship as dead as a doornail, but that it might be more pleasant to not assume that he was a lying dirtbag.

OP here: this is my interpretation. I think he thought it would be okay and he could withstand the backlash but in the end, he could not and decided to do it their way since I would never be acceptable. By the way, I watched the Namesake with him. He had never seen it. It is one of my favorite movies.

OP here: I also have two friends from similar cultures who know every aspect of the relationship. Their interpretation is the same as yours. I appreciate you sharing. Sometimes it has been hard for me to decide if it was all a lie of not. I don’t think it was. I think he was forced to make a choice and he did not think he would have to…he said many times he was so shocked they took it so badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is another possible take on what happened to you. Some people like to toy with others’ emotions because it provides a source of amusement and/or a sense of control. They look for your emotional weaknesses and exploit them. In your case, you seem to be concerned about finding a suitable long term partner because you are over 40 and have children. Not that there is anything wrong with that; but it is a source of concern for you, and a man who makes you feel secure that that’s not an issue may trigger feelings like “I’ve gotta hold on to this guy.” Even in the face of all other rational data telling you this guy is not a suitable long term partner for you.

I say this because it happened to me. Look up the term “love bomb.” I was love bombed by a guy that was so sweet, so calm and assuring. I thought for sure that he was the answer to my prayers, the perfect guy for me. A few months in he starts withdrawing his previously unrelenting interest. He makes excuses about why we can’t see each other as often. He has to be there for his adult kids, as his ex is nearly suicidal. Um, what?? People like this come up with outrageous sob stories so that they can extricate themselves from their intensity with you (driving you crazy with desire) while looking like an innocent hero or victim of circumstance. If you complain under these circumstances, you look like the unsympathetic bad guy. Meanwhile, you’re holding the bag of uncertainty and ruminating over “what could have been,” while they are unscathed and have moved on to their next adventure. If I’m right, that means he never really cared about you, and his efforts were either all for amusement or to pass the time until something else caught his fancy (aka his new wife).

Hate to be so cynical, but it happened to me, and the guy who did it admitted it, and admitted it was intentional. (And no, his ex wasn’t suicidal. He simply likes playing the game, and playing it with multiple women at one time.)

I look back and thought the beginning could have been love bombing in a way...it had crossed my mind already. Thanks for bringing that up. It is possible. (but I do think is still weird he told his family about me...that is weird if it was truly just love bombing). Appreciate this perspective.

OP, I would strongly consider the possibility that he never told his family anything. That’s it was a good excuse, one you would understand - especially since the pump was already primed in your earlier discussions.

I think the decision to be in an arranged marriage already happened. And when it was the right time for him to end things on his terms and knowing you still cared, he did. Walks into the marriage he wanted and agreed to, ego fully intact.

It’s time to swim in different ponds. With reasonable expectations. You figure out what you want, they independently do the same, and see if it truly lines up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is another possible take on what happened to you. Some people like to toy with others’ emotions because it provides a source of amusement and/or a sense of control. They look for your emotional weaknesses and exploit them. In your case, you seem to be concerned about finding a suitable long term partner because you are over 40 and have children. Not that there is anything wrong with that; but it is a source of concern for you, and a man who makes you feel secure that that’s not an issue may trigger feelings like “I’ve gotta hold on to this guy.” Even in the face of all other rational data telling you this guy is not a suitable long term partner for you.

I say this because it happened to me. Look up the term “love bomb.” I was love bombed by a guy that was so sweet, so calm and assuring. I thought for sure that he was the answer to my prayers, the perfect guy for me. A few months in he starts withdrawing his previously unrelenting interest. He makes excuses about why we can’t see each other as often. He has to be there for his adult kids, as his ex is nearly suicidal. Um, what?? People like this come up with outrageous sob stories so that they can extricate themselves from their intensity with you (driving you crazy with desire) while looking like an innocent hero or victim of circumstance. If you complain under these circumstances, you look like the unsympathetic bad guy. Meanwhile, you’re holding the bag of uncertainty and ruminating over “what could have been,” while they are unscathed and have moved on to their next adventure. If I’m right, that means he never really cared about you, and his efforts were either all for amusement or to pass the time until something else caught his fancy (aka his new wife).

Hate to be so cynical, but it happened to me, and the guy who did it admitted it, and admitted it was intentional. (And no, his ex wasn’t suicidal. He simply likes playing the game, and playing it with multiple women at one time.)

I look back and thought the beginning could have been love bombing in a way...it had crossed my mind already. Thanks for bringing that up. It is possible. (but I do think is still weird he told his family about me...that is weird if it was truly just love bombing). Appreciate this perspective.

OP, I would strongly consider the possibility that he never told his family anything. That’s it was a good excuse, one you would understand - especially since the pump was already primed in your earlier discussions.

I think the decision to be in an arranged marriage already happened. And when it was the right time for him to end things on his terms and knowing you still cared, he did. Walks into the marriage he wanted and agreed to, ego fully intact.

It’s time to swim in different ponds. With reasonable expectations. You figure out what you want, they independently do the same, and see if it truly lines up.

I know he did. He was devastated at their reaction. He told me details of conversations. I know he visited them and during the trip all of them ganged up on him. I know the entire month of December he was dealing with it. He did not want to break up until after that trip he decided because the pressure was too great. He broke up with me after the trip with his family during Christmas week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't serious with him so why are you giving this so much though?

It would not have worked out for you in the long run.

Cut your losses and move on.

OP here...because it seemed like it could have potential to last a very long time. I want a long-term relationship. I just don't want to get married again. I do not think family ever needed to know. He said before he was not looking for marriage and kids. We seemed to be on the same page. This threw me. I would not have mentioned to family if marriage and kids were not in the future...I feel that this could have been the long-term relationship I wanted that did not have to result in marriage. I see no reason family needed to know unless marriage was discussed. It wasn't.

How in the world did you think you were in it for the long haul with or without marriage without his family finding out?!

[Anonymous]

OP, this guy is now MARRIED!!! He is history. Who cares who said what and why. He has nothing to offer you, and even if he did, you can’t accept it now because he is MARRIED. Game over!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't serious with him so why are you giving this so much though?

It would not have worked out for you in the long run.

Cut your losses and move on.

OP here...because it seemed like it could have potential to last a very long time. I want a long-term relationship. I just don't want to get married again. I do not think family ever needed to know. He said before he was not looking for marriage and kids. We seemed to be on the same page. This threw me. I would not have mentioned to family if marriage and kids were not in the future...I feel that this could have been the long-term relationship I wanted that did not have to result in marriage. I see no reason family needed to know unless marriage was discussed. It wasn't.

How in the world did you think you were in it for the long haul with or without marriage without his family finding out?!

I thought he would tell me before telling his family and only if we had serious conversations. We were getting to a point it was beginning to feel like it could turn into a long term thing and earlier he had said he did not know if he still wanted to have children or even get married. We were in a good place. I thought if we were together for a year we might tell family. It was actually a total of 7 months before be broke up. He told them at the end of six months in November. He said he did not plan it but someone asked about his love life and he said it just came out because he was excited about me. I just thought we would discuss it before telling family after we discussed being long term or not. Part of me now thinks a friend he told earlier tipped his family off to ask about his love life and they were already ready to pounce but that is just a guess.

[Anonymous]

^^ Six months of spending lots of time in person together, or six months mostly texting, calls, etc. but not much in person? If the latter, he was probably gearing up for his arranged marriage while he was texting with you on the side. Words are meaningless, as evidenced by this situation. Actions are what matters. Chalk it up to experience. You still have lots of dating and relationship time ahead of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ Six months of spending lots of time in person together, or six months mostly texting, calls, etc. but not much in person? If the latter, he was probably gearing up for his arranged marriage while he was texting with you on the side. Words are meaningless, as evidenced by this situation. Actions are what matters. Chalk it up to experience. You still have lots of dating and relationship time ahead of you.

I was with him in person once during the week and half the weekend every weekend from June-December. We texted all day and spoke for hour on the days we were not together after he asked me to be is girlfriend in July. So, a lot of time in person together. Who would text for 6 months and call that relationship? What an odd assumption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Six months of spending lots of time in person together, or six months mostly texting, calls, etc. but not much in person? If the latter, he was probably gearing up for his arranged marriage while he was texting with you on the side. Words are meaningless, as evidenced by this situation. Actions are what matters. Chalk it up to experience. You still have lots of dating and relationship time ahead of you.

I was with him in person once during the week and half the weekend every weekend from June-December. We texted all day and spoke for hour on the days we were not together after he asked me to be is girlfriend in July. So, a lot of time in person together. Who would text for 6 months and call that relationship? What an odd assumption.

Only seeing him two days out of the week, for probably only a few hours at a time, left plenty of time for him to cultivate his relationship with the new bride. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Six months of spending lots of time in person together, or six months mostly texting, calls, etc. but not much in person? If the latter, he was probably gearing up for his arranged marriage while he was texting with you on the side. Words are meaningless, as evidenced by this situation. Actions are what matters. Chalk it up to experience. You still have lots of dating and relationship time ahead of you.

I was with him in person once during the week and half the weekend every weekend from June-December. We texted all day and spoke for hour on the days we were not together after he asked me to be is girlfriend in July. So, a lot of time in person together. Who would text for 6 months and call that relationship? What an odd assumption.

Only seeing him two days out of the week, for probably only a few hours at a time, left plenty of time for him to cultivate his relationship with the new bride. Sorry OP.

I truly do not think that was happening but I can understand why you might think that. Both he and I have super busy jobs…I doubt he had time to do that and I believe he did not consider doing it until his family found out about me. He could have done this for the past 15 years. He did not until his family pulled out the pressure with full force.

[Anonymous]

And half the weekend means 24 hours. I had a drawer of clothes there.