Everything was great for 6 months and then family finds out and boom: he ends it. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just drop this guy. Who gives a crap about the rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages. You're not someone who will ever be accepted here and the train is off and rolling for him, fulfilling his familial duty. If this guy were going to buck convention he would have done that. He's not going to, so move on.

I am aware of this. I was just providing an end to the story.

Except it’s not the end of the story because you are continuing to live in a state of denial with all these proclamations of how things must have gone. You still want to believe that he was telling you the truth all along. You need to accept that this guy’s family wasn’t controlling him. He knew the path he would take and intended to have a little side fun while he got there. You need to accept that he’s been lying to you from the start and there was never going to be a long-term commitment from him.

His new was also someone he most likely has been dating while he was seeing you. The whole arranged marriage topic was just another part of his lies to you.

It’s called closure. OP is permitted some time to allow her mind to close this chapter and make sense of the little time she invested.

Closure is not living in a state of denial and making up what has been going on is the fault of his family and not the guy. Closure is she now knows he is married and that chapter of her life has been slammed shut.

You keep saying she is in “denial”. Are you OP’s boyfriend’s mother? Because otherwise, you’ve concocted nothing short of a theory or hunch and your digging in here isn’t warranted. She doesn’t have to buy what you’re trying to sell. And honestly, it is a pessimistic view from someone that doesn’t even know the man OP is sharing with random strangers about.

You don’t get to define closure for OP. As much as I know you would love to. It ain’t happenin’ cap’n.

Nothing in my posts suggests I am in denial. I am clearly not in denial. I was making sense of what happened from beginning to end. I think PP has a reading comprehension problem or some kind of thing about this to be making up the denial narrative. Trying to make sense of it is not “denial.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just drop this guy. Who gives a crap about the rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages. You're not someone who will ever be accepted here and the train is off and rolling for him, fulfilling his familial duty. If this guy were going to buck convention he would have done that. He's not going to, so move on.

I am aware of this. I was just providing an end to the story.

Except it’s not the end of the story because you are continuing to live in a state of denial with all these proclamations of how things must have gone. You still want to believe that he was telling you the truth all along. You need to accept that this guy’s family wasn’t controlling him. He knew the path he would take and intended to have a little side fun while he got there. You need to accept that he’s been lying to you from the start and there was never going to be a long-term commitment from him.

His new was also someone he most likely has been dating while he was seeing you. The whole arranged marriage topic was just another part of his lies to you.

The bolded might be true. I do not think he was seeing someone else and me at the same time. I think they lined up options for him as a soon as he said I was his girlfriend though.

I am sorry OP. I think he lied to you the whole time. He always knew what he was going to do. You are blaming his family because it is easier to accept.

It’s possible. It is just hard to think that because he told them about me and then said “the backlash was worse than I thought. They will never accept it (us).” If he really was always going to do an arranged marriage anyway, I do not think he would have told them I was his girlfriend. He said he kept telling them that he really really wanted to be with me. I think he would have not said a word about me at all and just ended it with mr without telling his family about me if he was always going to do an arranged marriage anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Yes, there could have been deception, but there is no way of knowing anything for sure. Either way, make sure that you stay in a place where your heart is darkened. Throw out the bones, keep the meat from this experience, and I hope the next experience is better for you.

Thank you for updating the thread. A lot of people don’t.

Thanks. I often wonder what happens with other people when I read threads…that is why I updated it. I also liked telling the whole story because now there is a true end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't serious with him so why are you giving this so much though?

It would not have worked out for you in the long run.

Cut your losses and move on.

OP here...because it seemed like it could have potential to last a very long time. I want a long-term relationship. I just don't want to get married again. I do not think family ever needed to know. He said before he was not looking for marriage and kids. We seemed to be on the same page. This threw me. I would not have mentioned to family if marriage and kids were not in the future...I feel that this could have been the long-term relationship I wanted that did not have to result in marriage. I see no reason family needed to know unless marriage was discussed. It wasn't.


He actually wants marriage and kids OP. Wake up. You knew him three weeks. Not on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: As I mentioned, he and I were talking again late Feb to mid March. He said he wanted to see me and cancelled at the last minute and he said he was probably trying the “arranged marriage thing” because he “would not forgive himself if he did not at this age” but that he was not having a kid right away and “if this does not work, they can never pressure me again.” (The last time I saw him in person was late Jan. a month after the breakup…the entire month of January he was texting me he missed me, was confused and did not want to meet others…but his family was really pressuring him to just hurry up and get married.

He texted asked me a question in late March, I responded, but he never replied. He ignored a text a few weeks later.

I just found a post from his friend on Facebook that he had an arranged marriage last week. It was not on his page, but his friend’s. I am shocked it was so fast. I literally last saw him a little over 4 months ago. I do not know how he could actually be happy but who knows. I wonder if arranged marriages can last and be happy if they are rebounds or primarily done due to family pressure. I felt his feeling were real and he just made the decision to do it their way when he said they would never accept me. But part of me feels lied to (and I asked up front). I do wonder if he will be happy and if this kind of marriage will really work (not that I will ever find out).

So, that is a more recent (and final) update. I am very surprised at the speed.

If you are familiar with his culture then you know that’s not fast for an arranged marriage. I’m so curious why after so many months you are still clearly pining for him when you claim you didn’t want anything serious?

I know it can happen fast. I am surprised he agreed to it fast. He said he did not want to meet anyone else in January and he was not happy he felt he had to break up with me. I expected him to be married later this year…I did not expect it 5 months from the break up and just 4 months after the last time I saw him and only 2.5 months after our last phone and video calls (we had been talking again for 2.5 weeks and still telling me how much he misses me but felt he had to try an arranged marriage). Saying that to me 2.5 months ago to being married seems fast. It does not seem particularly healthy from an emotional standpoint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: As I mentioned, he and I were talking again late Feb to mid March. He said he wanted to see me and cancelled at the last minute and he said he was probably trying the “arranged marriage thing” because he “would not forgive himself if he did not at this age” but that he was not having a kid right away and “if this does not work, they can never pressure me again.” (The last time I saw him in person was late Jan. a month after the breakup…the entire month of January he was texting me he missed me, was confused and did not want to meet others…but his family was really pressuring him to just hurry up and get married.

He texted asked me a question in late March, I responded, but he never replied. He ignored a text a few weeks later.

I just found a post from his friend on Facebook that he had an arranged marriage last week. It was not on his page, but his friend’s. I am shocked it was so fast. I literally last saw him a little over 4 months ago. I do not know how he could actually be happy but who knows. I wonder if arranged marriages can last and be happy if they are rebounds or primarily done due to family pressure. I felt his feeling were real and he just made the decision to do it their way when he said they would never accept me. But part of me feels lied to (and I asked up front). I do wonder if he will be happy and if this kind of marriage will really work (not that I will ever find out).

So, that is a more recent (and final) update. I am very surprised at the speed.

But, why do you care? You wanted different things, clearly. You need to move on, this can’t be healthy for you or your children.

If you are familiar with his culture then you know that’s not fast for an arranged marriage. I’m so curious why after so many months you are still clearly pining for him when you claim you didn’t want anything serious?

I know it can happen fast. I am surprised he agreed to it fast. He said he did not want to meet anyone else in January and he was not happy he felt he had to break up with me. I expected him to be married later this year…I did not expect it 5 months from the break up and just 4 months after the last time I saw him and only 2.5 months after our last phone and video calls (we had been talking again for 2.5 weeks and still telling me how much he misses me but felt he had to try an arranged marriage). Saying that to me 2.5 months ago to being married seems fast. It does not seem particularly healthy from an emotional standpoint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just drop this guy. Who gives a crap about the rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages. You're not someone who will ever be accepted here and the train is off and rolling for him, fulfilling his familial duty. If this guy were going to buck convention he would have done that. He's not going to, so move on.

I am aware of this. I was just providing an end to the story.

Except it’s not the end of the story because you are continuing to live in a state of denial with all these proclamations of how things must have gone. You still want to believe that he was telling you the truth all along. You need to accept that this guy’s family wasn’t controlling him. He knew the path he would take and intended to have a little side fun while he got there. You need to accept that he’s been lying to you from the start and there was never going to be a long-term commitment from him.

His new was also someone he most likely has been dating while he was seeing you. The whole arranged marriage topic was just another part of his lies to you.

It’s called closure. OP is permitted some time to allow her mind to close this chapter and make sense of the little time she invested.

Closure is not living in a state of denial and making up what has been going on is the fault of his family and not the guy. Closure is she now knows he is married and that chapter of her life has been slammed shut.

You keep saying she is in “denial”. Are you OP’s boyfriend’s mother? Because otherwise, you’ve concocted nothing short of a theory or hunch and your digging in here isn’t warranted. She doesn’t have to buy what you’re trying to sell. And honestly, it is a pessimistic view from someone that doesn’t even know the man OP is sharing with random strangers about.

You don’t get to define closure for OP. As much as I know you would love to. It ain’t happenin’ cap’n.

Nothing in my posts suggests I am in denial. I am clearly not in denial. I was making sense of what happened from beginning to end. I think PP has a reading comprehension problem or some kind of thing about this to be making up the denial narrative. Trying to make sense of it is not “denial.”

You have made up an entire narrative of what has happened to him since January.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just drop this guy. Who gives a crap about the rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages. You're not someone who will ever be accepted here and the train is off and rolling for him, fulfilling his familial duty. If this guy were going to buck convention he would have done that. He's not going to, so move on.

I am aware of this. I was just providing an end to the story.

Except it’s not the end of the story because you are continuing to live in a state of denial with all these proclamations of how things must have gone. You still want to believe that he was telling you the truth all along. You need to accept that this guy’s family wasn’t controlling him. He knew the path he would take and intended to have a little side fun while he got there. You need to accept that he’s been lying to you from the start and there was never going to be a long-term commitment from him.

His new was also someone he most likely has been dating while he was seeing you. The whole arranged marriage topic was just another part of his lies to you.

It’s called closure. OP is permitted some time to allow her mind to close this chapter and make sense of the little time she invested.

Closure is not living in a state of denial and making up what has been going on is the fault of his family and not the guy. Closure is she now knows he is married and that chapter of her life has been slammed shut.

You keep saying she is in “denial”. Are you OP’s boyfriend’s mother? Because otherwise, you’ve concocted nothing short of a theory or hunch and your digging in here isn’t warranted. She doesn’t have to buy what you’re trying to sell. And honestly, it is a pessimistic view from someone that doesn’t even know the man OP is sharing with random strangers about.

You don’t get to define closure for OP. As much as I know you would love to. It ain’t happenin’ cap’n.

Nothing in my posts suggests I am in denial. I am clearly not in denial. I was making sense of what happened from beginning to end. I think PP has a reading comprehension problem or some kind of thing about this to be making up the denial narrative. Trying to make sense of it is not “denial.”

You have made up an entire narrative of what has happened to him since January.

No, I am saying what he told me in January and in late-Feb and mid-March and inserted where I believe things happened in possible timeline based on what he told me in person and on video. We have not been out of touch. Only since mid-March have we been out of touch. I am allowed to state how I think certain things happened based on my experience. That is not being in denial. I don't think you understand the term. I am only telling what happened since January to me personally and how I think things likely unfolded to make sense of my own experience. That is not what denial is. There is no denial. It is just an explanation of a series of events.

[Anonymous]

Bullet dodged.

[Anonymous]

OP, here is another possible take on what happened to you. Some people like to toy with others’ emotions because it provides a source of amusement and/or a sense of control. They look for your emotional weaknesses and exploit them. In your case, you seem to be concerned about finding a suitable long term partner because you are over 40 and have children. Not that there is anything wrong with that; but it is a source of concern for you, and a man who makes you feel secure that that’s not an issue may trigger feelings like “I’ve gotta hold on to this guy.” Even in the face of all other rational data telling you this guy is not a suitable long term partner for you.

I say this because it happened to me. Look up the term “love bomb.” I was love bombed by a guy that was so sweet, so calm and assuring. I thought for sure that he was the answer to my prayers, the perfect guy for me. A few months in he starts withdrawing his previously unrelenting interest. He makes excuses about why we can’t see each other as often. He has to be there for his adult kids, as his ex is nearly suicidal. Um, what?? People like this come up with outrageous sob stories so that they can extricate themselves from their intensity with you (driving you crazy with desire) while looking like an innocent hero or victim of circumstance. If you complain under these circumstances, you look like the unsympathetic bad guy. Meanwhile, you’re holding the bag of uncertainty and ruminating over “what could have been,” while they are unscathed and have moved on to their next adventure. If I’m right, that means he never really cared about you, and his efforts were either all for amusement or to pass the time until something else caught his fancy (aka his new wife).

Hate to be so cynical, but it happened to me, and the guy who did it admitted it, and admitted it was intentional. (And no, his ex wasn’t suicidal. He simply likes playing the game, and playing it with multiple women at one time.)

[Anonymous]

I call this a B- troll post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call this a B- troll post.

I wish this was a troll post. It's not. This actually happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is another possible take on what happened to you. Some people like to toy with others’ emotions because it provides a source of amusement and/or a sense of control. They look for your emotional weaknesses and exploit them. In your case, you seem to be concerned about finding a suitable long term partner because you are over 40 and have children. Not that there is anything wrong with that; but it is a source of concern for you, and a man who makes you feel secure that that’s not an issue may trigger feelings like “I’ve gotta hold on to this guy.” Even in the face of all other rational data telling you this guy is not a suitable long term partner for you.

I say this because it happened to me. Look up the term “love bomb.” I was love bombed by a guy that was so sweet, so calm and assuring. I thought for sure that he was the answer to my prayers, the perfect guy for me. A few months in he starts withdrawing his previously unrelenting interest. He makes excuses about why we can’t see each other as often. He has to be there for his adult kids, as his ex is nearly suicidal. Um, what?? People like this come up with outrageous sob stories so that they can extricate themselves from their intensity with you (driving you crazy with desire) while looking like an innocent hero or victim of circumstance. If you complain under these circumstances, you look like the unsympathetic bad guy. Meanwhile, you’re holding the bag of uncertainty and ruminating over “what could have been,” while they are unscathed and have moved on to their next adventure. If I’m right, that means he never really cared about you, and his efforts were either all for amusement or to pass the time until something else caught his fancy (aka his new wife).

Hate to be so cynical, but it happened to me, and the guy who did it admitted it, and admitted it was intentional. (And no, his ex wasn’t suicidal. He simply likes playing the game, and playing it with multiple women at one time.)

I look back and thought the beginning could have been love bombing in a way...it had crossed my mind already. Thanks for bringing that up. It is possible. (but I do think is still weird he told his family about me...that is weird if it was truly just love bombing). Appreciate this perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: As I mentioned, he and I were talking again late Feb to mid March. He said he wanted to see me and cancelled at the last minute and he said he was probably trying the “arranged marriage thing” because he “would not forgive himself if he did not at this age” but that he was not having a kid right away and “if this does not work, they can never pressure me again.” (The last time I saw him in person was late Jan. a month after the breakup…the entire month of January he was texting me he missed me, was confused and did not want to meet others…but his family was really pressuring him to just hurry up and get married.

He texted asked me a question in late March, I responded, but he never replied. He ignored a text a few weeks later.

I just found a post from his friend on Facebook that he had an arranged marriage last week. It was not on his page, but his friend’s. I am shocked it was so fast. I literally last saw him a little over 4 months ago. I do not know how he could actually be happy but who knows. I wonder if arranged marriages can last and be happy if they are rebounds or primarily done due to family pressure. I felt his feeling were real and he just made the decision to do it their way when he said they would never accept me. But part of me feels lied to (and I asked up front). I do wonder if he will be happy and if this kind of marriage will really work (not that I will ever find out).

So, that is a more recent (and final) update. I am very surprised at the speed.

If you are familiar with his culture then you know that’s not fast for an arranged marriage. I’m so curious why after so many months you are still clearly pining for him when you claim you didn’t want anything serious?

This is the part I don't understand. Why she is ruminating on this. They dated for 6 months. This thread is just about a week shy of being as long as their relationship was. I still think as I did way back when this thread first started OP has had her ego bruised, she thought she was in charge of the situation and she wasn't. Bruised egos suck. Sudden break ups suck. But When the thread you created about your break up is about to be the same age as the length of your relationship it's time to put the sucker to bed and move on, and if you can't well maybe a little bit of therapy is needed to help you move on.. You probably don't even need that just a new love interested , plenty of men to date this post covid summer, OP, go out there and get your freak on and forget about your ex boyfriend of 6 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: As I mentioned, he and I were talking again late Feb to mid March. He said he wanted to see me and cancelled at the last minute and he said he was probably trying the “arranged marriage thing” because he “would not forgive himself if he did not at this age” but that he was not having a kid right away and “if this does not work, they can never pressure me again.” (The last time I saw him in person was late Jan. a month after the breakup…the entire month of January he was texting me he missed me, was confused and did not want to meet others…but his family was really pressuring him to just hurry up and get married.

He texted asked me a question in late March, I responded, but he never replied. He ignored a text a few weeks later.

I just found a post from his friend on Facebook that he had an arranged marriage last week. It was not on his page, but his friend’s. I am shocked it was so fast. I literally last saw him a little over 4 months ago. I do not know how he could actually be happy but who knows. I wonder if arranged marriages can last and be happy if they are rebounds or primarily done due to family pressure. I felt his feeling were real and he just made the decision to do it their way when he said they would never accept me. But part of me feels lied to (and I asked up front). I do wonder if he will be happy and if this kind of marriage will really work (not that I will ever find out).

So, that is a more recent (and final) update. I am very surprised at the speed.

If you are familiar with his culture then you know that’s not fast for an arranged marriage. I’m so curious why after so many months you are still clearly pining for him when you claim you didn’t want anything serious?

This is the part I don't understand. Why she is ruminating on this. They dated for 6 months. This thread is just about a week shy of being as long as their relationship was. I still think as I did way back when this thread first started OP has had her ego bruised, she thought she was in charge of the situation and she wasn't. Bruised egos suck. Sudden break ups suck. But When the thread you created about your break up is about to be the same age as the length of your relationship it's time to put the sucker to bed and move on, and if you can't well maybe a little bit of therapy is needed to help you move on.. You probably don't even need that just a new love interested , plenty of men to date this post covid summer, OP, go out there and get your freak on and forget about your ex boyfriend of 6 months.

Closing the story makes me feel better. I have moved on. I am allowed to feel shock at finding out he is already married. It hurts a little and that is ok.
I said it was boyfriend/girlfriend situation I thought could last years but not lead to marriage. I do not want to remarry.