Everything was great for 6 months and then family finds out and boom: he ends it. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not mad. I am shocked he did not expect that reaction. It seems really immature. I would not mention unless serious. By the way, only typical Americans in my opinion, would think this. I would not mention anyone unless at a serious stage. In conservative families with strong cultural ties, there is no reason to bring up a boyfriend or girlfriend unless you are considering marriage. “Dating” is not really acceptable. Most people in the US do not understand this. I am American but have very conservative strong cultural ties so I am not like most Americans. You just don’t bring up a random boyfriend/girlfriend.

New poster here. I echo the question “what are you looking for”? If it’s a FWB situation then anyone can bounce for any reason and boomerang back for any reason. Usually, it’s assumed to be a limited time or an in between or until. If that is what you want, then sure, take him back if he comes back but with eyes wide open that he could buckle to pressure to get married to someone his parents encourage or break up again if he wants more than a FWB situation and knows that it will never fly with his family if it’s with you. But I have to question though why there is all this emotion, him with tears at the breakup, and you bewildered about why the FWB had to come to an end if it was a short term arrangement to start. If you are looking for a long term monogamous situation, even one that doesn’t mean marriage or kids, unless his parents have accepted that he is never going to marry or have kids or he is willing to stand up to them get them to accept that (which at this point sounds unlikely) you are wasting your time. It doesn’t matter if he keeps it secret because he would still have the pressure of being unmarried.

OP here: This was not a short-term FWB situation. It was meant to be a long-term situation that did not involve marriage. The problem is that they have not accepted he is over the marriage and kids thing. Not seeing me will not solve his problem. He has not dealt with that apparently but he had indicated he had. If they truly understood that, this would be less of a shock. But also, I don't see the point of it even coming up if it is going to met with disapproval. This situation showed me he had not truly dealt with family pressure issues like he indicated he had. They backed off a long time ago. But what he told me repeatedly he has not told them directly. He was just ignoring questions. He thought my mentioning me it might stop those questions of "have you met someone"? not realizing it would blow up. It blew up of course but I think a lot of that has to due with the fact that he has not had direct conversations about what he wants in life now and it is not that tradtional path it might have been 10 years ago. He expressed that he did not want a baby at this point in his life many times. He should man up and tell them that because otherwise, he has going to have to deal with family pressure that has nothing to do with me personally. No one is going to fit in the US with their expecations. At age 40 and over, most people have baggage and a past. It is just reality he and they are going to have to deal with. Even mid 30s might not look "perfect."

OP, it would have been a long term situation until he felt ready or pressured to get married and start a family. Maybe he would have stood up for his family, but his actions in dumping you indicate that he's not prepared to disappoint them. And then you'll be left behind, having invested potentially years of your life. You're 40, still quite youthful looking and attractive, but as women, our prospects and looks don't get better with age. Yes, you dodged a bullet, and don't let him waste any more of your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is denying reality. I am not going to respond to anymore posts. Every time someone asks I question, and I respond, it seems people are making up scenarios or assuming I am feeling certain things.

All I asked in my first post...is did a dodge I bullet. I have had several "I miss you texts" since the break up and that is why I asked.

Thanks. Signing off.

Responders here are not denying the reality that you are obsessed with this guy and keep wanting to dissect what went wrong. The answer is clear. He was not that into you. You are WAY more invested in the relationship than you keep vehemently denying you were. No one who is not invested would comtinue to argue over all these pages about his supposed reasons.

Get some counseling before getting involved with someone again.

[Anonymous]

6 months is when you figure out if the relationship will be moving on to the next level. Yours didn’t move on. It doesn’t matter the reasons.

We are an Asian American family. BIL is only 30. He has brought home one girl. I know he dates a lot but he dismisses them as not serious.

Op, I’m sure he had a good time with you.

I know a guy who recently got engaged to a single mom. I am sure his entire family is so upset over this. However, he is 40. He is old enough to make his own decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is denying reality. I am not going to respond to anymore posts. Every time someone asks I question, and I respond, it seems people are making up scenarios or assuming I am feeling certain things.

All I asked in my first post...is did a dodge I bullet. I have had several "I miss you texts" since the break up and that is why I asked.

Thanks. Signing off.

Responders here are not denying the reality that you are obsessed with this guy and keep wanting to dissect what went wrong. The answer is clear. He was not that into you. You are WAY more invested in the relationship than you keep vehemently denying you were. No one who is not invested would comtinue to argue over all these pages about his supposed reasons.

Get some counseling before getting involved with someone again.

I do not know why answering questions of others is considered obsession. I am not dissecting. Again—back to the first post was asking if I dodged a bullet because actions do not match words and a lack of understanding of the situation. I only came on here to ask if I dodged a bullet ...meaning would this be doomed anyway and if he returns if I should follow my instinct to decline. I feel like people read what they want to read. I guess posters here should not answer responder’s questions for more info because it really creates assumptions that are not there. I said pages ago that the very first responses are what I needed to hear. Somehow I end up getting vilified the longer posts go on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is denying reality. I am not going to respond to anymore posts. Every time someone asks I question, and I respond, it seems people are making up scenarios or assuming I am feeling certain things.

All I asked in my first post...is did a dodge I bullet. I have had several "I miss you texts" since the break up and that is why I asked.

Thanks. Signing off.

Responders here are not denying the reality that you are obsessed with this guy and keep wanting to dissect what went wrong. The answer is clear. He was not that into you. You are WAY more invested in the relationship than you keep vehemently denying you were. No one who is not invested would comtinue to argue over all these pages about his supposed reasons.

Get some counseling before getting involved with someone again.

I do not know why answering questions of others is considered obsession. I am not dissecting. Again—back to the first post was asking if I dodged a bullet because actions do not match words and a lack of understanding of the situation. I only came on here to ask if I dodged a bullet ...meaning would this be doomed anyway and if he returns if I should follow my instinct to decline. I feel like people read what they want to read. I guess posters here should not answer responder’s questions for more info because it really creates assumptions that are not there. I said pages ago that the very first responses are what I needed to hear. Somehow I end up getting vilified the longer posts go on.

You really need to go back and re-read the thread. Yikes that you can’t see the obsession here. You were clearly more into him than you want to admit. The dissection you’re doing for a not serious relationship isn’t healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one is denying reality. I am not going to respond to anymore posts. Every time someone asks I question, and I respond, it seems people are making up scenarios or assuming I am feeling certain things.

All I asked in my first post...is did a dodge I bullet. I have had several "I miss you texts" since the break up and that is why I asked.

Thanks. Signing off.

Responders here are not denying the reality that you are obsessed with this guy and keep wanting to dissect what went wrong. The answer is clear. He was not that into you. You are WAY more invested in the relationship than you keep vehemently denying you were. No one who is not invested would comtinue to argue over all these pages about his supposed reasons.

Get some counseling before getting involved with someone again.

I do not know why answering questions of others is considered obsession. I am not dissecting. Again—back to the first post was asking if I dodged a bullet because actions do not match words and a lack of understanding of the situation. I only came on here to ask if I dodged a bullet ...meaning would this be doomed anyway and if he returns if I should follow my instinct to decline. I feel like people read what they want to read. I guess posters here should not answer responder’s questions for more info because it really creates assumptions that are not there. I said pages ago that the very first responses are what I needed to hear. Somehow I end up getting vilified the longer posts go on.

It is more like HE dodged a bullet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't serious with him so why are you giving this so much though?

It would not have worked out for you in the long run.

Cut your losses and move on.

OP here...because it seemed like it could have potential to last a very long time. I want a long-term relationship. I just don't want to get married again. I do not think family ever needed to know. He said before he was not looking for marriage and kids. We seemed to be on the same page. This threw me. I would not have mentioned to family if marriage and kids were not in the future...I feel that this could have been the long-term relationship I wanted that did not have to result in marriage. I see no reason family needed to know unless marriage was discussed. It wasn't.

Are you saying you wanted to date him long term but never wanted him to tell his family?

Yes. Because I would not tell my family either. They would not accept it. I see no reason to tell family unless marriage is on the table. I have always felt this way...even in my 20s. Our families are not local and limited in person visits. A couple of times a year. Family never needed to know. Friends, fine. Local people, fine. Family? No.

I mean you are already divorced. Why would they not accept a new relationship?

-Indian woman

OP here: Religion. (Even though I am not religious). I am sure my family expects me to be celibate for life. I am not planning to remarry. I had a sexless marriage. I am not staying sexless forever. No one needs to know about a boyfriend I am sleeping with...especially the religious difference. They also would not want a “strange man” around my kids. Unless I am married, my private life is private. They live far away...no good can come of then knowing. The same as the man I was seeing.

You sound exhausting to be honest. You’re shocked, but you weren't serious. Sounds like you both come from conservative cultures so you know what you’re up against.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the replies putting you down. You’ll be better off in the long run meeting someone who accepts the relationship you’re looking for (and whose family doesn’t interfere with a 40 yo man’s love life).

[Anonymous]

22 12 here. Yes, you dodged a bullet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the replies putting you down. You’ll be better off in the long run meeting someone who accepts the relationship you’re looking for (and whose family doesn’t interfere with a 40 yo man’s love life).

Accept she seeks out men with families like this. That is her problem.

[Anonymous]

*except

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suchhhhh an Indian......signed another Indian

And I thought Arab Muslim.....

A conservative Jewish family would have had a similar reaction.

I thought he was African.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get the OP is from an oppressive culture/religious background. If you are going to date someone outside our own oppressive family's culture- do yourself a favor and at least don't pick someone with an equally oppressive culture they are bound to. JFC, do please never learn?

The problem is people from similar oppressive culture/religious backgrounds seems to understand me better. I think even if the culture itself is different, the mentality is the same. The typical American has no understanding of these things. I do not care anymore. I am in my 40s...I am over the family crap...he said he was the same....but apparently not. I actually now think he just never dealt with it and thought it would go away and he could “age out” of the family pressure by avoiding it. I think he thought at this age, it would not be as big of a deal, but he is wrong.

Seek therapy. You have tons of hang ups from your family/culture

I do not have hang ups. I don’t care. I am beyond it. What you do not understand is that the way you think being raised this way is just different and that way of thinking does not disappear. There is no “therapy” to deal with...you just deal with it how you can. And I chose at 18 to stop making it a priority. I do not have an active involvement in my family’s culture. I left it behind after high school...but it does not change they way I think. I was very specifically over cautious of this situation at the start and needed a lot of reassurance because not everyone has the strength to do what they want. I did succumb to family pressure to marry in early 30s but before then I did not. I got divorced which is completely taboo and I do not care. There are no “hang ups.” It is part of the way I think about certain things being raised that way and there is no way to erase that. There is no reason for “therapy.”

Yes, you do have hang ups. You say you stopped caring about your family's culture as a teen, but then you felt pressurized and got married? What culture are you from? You sound like a very confused person. I feel sad for your kids because you are flaky.

[Anonymous]

This scenario reminds me of the Isreali movie Late Marriage where a 30-something year old man dates an older divorcee and his family finds out. But in that movie the woman breaks it off because she realizes he is too immature and will always put his mother first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get the OP is from an oppressive culture/religious background. If you are going to date someone outside our own oppressive family's culture- do yourself a favor and at least don't pick someone with an equally oppressive culture they are bound to. JFC, do please never learn?

The problem is people from similar oppressive culture/religious backgrounds seems to understand me better. I think even if the culture itself is different, the mentality is the same. The typical American has no understanding of these things. I do not care anymore. I am in my 40s...I am over the family crap...he said he was the same....but apparently not. I actually now think he just never dealt with it and thought it would go away and he could “age out” of the family pressure by avoiding it. I think he thought at this age, it would not be as big of a deal, but he is wrong.

Seek therapy. You have tons of hang ups from your family/culture

I do not have hang ups. I don’t care. I am beyond it. What you do not understand is that the way you think being raised this way is just different and that way of thinking does not disappear. There is no “therapy” to deal with...you just deal with it how you can. And I chose at 18 to stop making it a priority. I do not have an active involvement in my family’s culture. I left it behind after high school...but it does not change they way I think. I was very specifically over cautious of this situation at the start and needed a lot of reassurance because not everyone has the strength to do what they want. I did succumb to family pressure to marry in early 30s but before then I did not. I got divorced which is completely taboo and I do not care. There are no “hang ups.” It is part of the way I think about certain things being raised that way and there is no way to erase that. There is no reason for “therapy.”

Yes, you do have hang ups. You say you stopped caring about your family's culture as a teen, but then you felt pressurized and got married? What culture are you from? You sound like a very confused person. I feel sad for your kids because you are flaky.

I did not marry within my cultural background. I felt pressure to marry due to "age," which almost every conservative family puts on a daughter by their early 30s. I am not "flaky." People marry the wrong person all of the time. It was a mistake. That is it.