Everything was great for 6 months and then family finds out and boom: he ends it. Advice?

[Anonymous]

I am early 40s divorced with kids. I met someone in early June. It was going very well…like just wonderful. He progressed the relationship forward; I was hesitant. At the very beginning, I was like, are you sure you are okay with dating someone who is divorced with kids? He said it did not matter repeatedly. I also asked if he still wanted to get married and have kids the traditional way. He said he was no longer thinking about kids and did not think marriage was in the cards now (which was a perfectly fine answer to me). I did not need to be super serious and was just spending off-kid time with him.

He is a three years younger and has never been married or had kids. He is not from the US. I am familiar with the cultural background.

That said, he told a sibling about me and all hell broke loose. I do not know why he said anything. We were not at a serious stage. He still wanted to see me at first (so we continued a few weeks) but then he saw some family in person and came back and broke up with me via a text and then a video call right after. I am so shocked he did not expect this level of backlash. I did. Which is why I would not have said a word unless we were super serious and we just were not there yet. He said he missed me after the break up. I did see him one time since the break-up (because when he did it, it was not in person—text plus a video call) to get some clarity and I got a little but not much. I kind of regret seeing him afterward because it now feels like maybe I derailed a possibility of changing his mind. I have gone dark now.

Did I dodge a bullet here? I can’t help but think this ended prematurely. He said he has not felt this way about someone before and expected the backlash but not this much. I am super disappointed. This screams to me a lack of relationship experience to me. There was literally a 180 degree turn in a very short period of time and it is super upsetting because I raised issues about my status early on and would not have pursued it if he truly could not handle it. I asked about family pressure to marry and have kids in the first several dates. I knew I would not be acceptable…but we were not at a serious point, so I just don’t get how he misjudged the reaction to this level. He said he was excited about me and wanted to tell them—but now it killed it. I never plan to tell my family about anyone I am dating unless it got to a serious stage, which to me, is a minimum of one year. Should I just think that this happening earlier was for the best and forget about any possibility of reconnecting in the future?

[Anonymous]

Suchhhhh an Indian......signed another Indian

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. But yes, better now than later. He’s not mature or confident enough to buck his family.

[Anonymous]

As hard as this is, it would’ve been far, far more difficult if it happened six more months down the line when you *were* really serious. If you’re blindsided now, imagine how you would feel then. So yes, he did you the favor.

He’s not the guy. At 40 years old he is not not able to separate from his family and live his own life. That rules him out as a serious partner for you.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you dodged a bullet. Ghost and move on.

[Anonymous]

You said you weren't serious with him so why are you giving this so much though?

It would not have worked out for you in the long run.

Cut your losses and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As hard as this is, it would’ve been far, far more difficult if it happened six more months down the line when you *were* really serious. If you’re blindsided now, imagine how you would feel then. So yes, he did you the favor.

He’s not the guy. At 40 years old he is not not able to separate from his family and live his own life. That rules him out as a serious partner for you.

+1. When someone comes on DCUM with grievances that their in-laws are acting crazy towards them and their spouse doesn’t stand up to their parents, we always say, you don’t have an in-law problem, you have a spouse problem. So there was no would’ve, could’ve should’ve. Whatever the reason this guy lacks boundaries with his family and ability to make his own decisions would be there whether you dated six months or six years.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you dodged a bullet. My DH was not born and raised in the US and from a non western culture. It didn't seem to matter early on. But now, 15 yrs and 3 kids in, it does. His family has never fully accepted me and they are the source of a lot of tension.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps this explains why he isn’t married yet! You totally dodged a bullet.

[Anonymous]

Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't serious with him so why are you giving this so much though?

It would not have worked out for you in the long run.

Cut your losses and move on.

OP here...because it seemed like it could have potential to last a very long time. I want a long-term relationship. I just don't want to get married again. I do not think family ever needed to know. He said before he was not looking for marriage and kids. We seemed to be on the same page. This threw me. I would not have mentioned to family if marriage and kids were not in the future...I feel that this could have been the long-term relationship I wanted that did not have to result in marriage. I see no reason family needed to know unless marriage was discussed. It wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you dodged a bullet. Ghost and move on.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you weren't serious with him so why are you giving this so much though?

It would not have worked out for you in the long run.

Cut your losses and move on.

OP here...because it seemed like it could have potential to last a very long time. I want a long-term relationship. I just don't want to get married again. I do not think family ever needed to know. He said before he was not looking for marriage and kids. We seemed to be on the same page. This threw me. I would not have mentioned to family if marriage and kids were not in the future...I feel that this could have been the long-term relationship I wanted that did not have to result in marriage. I see no reason family needed to know unless marriage was discussed. It wasn't.

Are you saying you wanted to date him long term but never wanted him to tell his family?

[Anonymous]

OP, you knew that this relationship had limits, you’ve said as much in your posts. You just wanted more time together to enjoy before it became sabotaged, ans that is okay. Maybe he was worried of loving you too much and not being able to manage the conflict with his family if *he* could not break it off or deal with the family rejection.

Be thankful for the good time you shared and had together, make a note of the qualities you will value in another partner, and remember you never date people that are worse than before; each one is better than the last.

Signed,
Someone happily in love with a lifetime partner that is young, never married, and in love with a divorcee and her children. Also our families love and respect both of us. His family brings gifts foe me and the kids. Love is out there. Be thankful for the time, and prepare for the next adventure life brings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you dodged a bullet. My DH was not born and raised in the US and from a non western culture. It didn't seem to matter early on. But now, 15 yrs and 3 kids in, it does. His family has never fully accepted me and they are the source of a lot of tension.

This story is as old as time. Husbands especially don’t buck their culture.