Everything was great for 6 months and then family finds out and boom: he ends it. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like an Indian. You dodged a bullet. Nothing wrong with Indian men, but if someone's family is so dead set against you without even knowing you, I promise you that doesn't bode well for the future.

Sounds like almost every non-Western culture.

Women are fooling themselves if they think that they can trust a non-western man in his 40s without kids who claims he does not want any. It's pretty much a guarantee that this was going to happen.

-African immigrant.

If he was an Indian then it is a sign of dysfunction that parents did not get him married before.

[Anonymous]

I get the OP is from an oppressive culture/religious background. If you are going to date someone outside our own oppressive family's culture- do yourself a favor and at least don't pick someone with an equally oppressive culture they are bound to. JFC, do please never learn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend spent 8 years trying to become acceptable to her bf’s family. Including changing her fashion from regular to very modest, losing 50 lbs, and studying to convert to his religion. In the end, his teenage kids revealed that the issue was her RACE. Something she could do nothing about even if she wanted to. He confessed that he could not marry her or have her attend major life events because his kids’ marriage prospects were endangered. She had already marred relations with her own family over conversion. The worst part was that they worked together so she had to continue to see him every day after that. She eventually left for another firm.

This is very common. Know what you’re dealing with and be wise enough to read the signs and see if they line up with the words and the actions. That is all people are suggesting OP do.

You aren’t changing cultural expectations, period. You respect them, and move on. Assuming they aren’t done threat to everyone else’s peaceful existence, their opinion is irrelevant to your need, and your opinion is irrelevant to theirs.

OP, there is an old movie produced be Spike Lee, an AA New Yorker known for starting mainstream awareness around a lot of cultural clashes that were common in a diverse community and some of the AA experiences. Jungle Fever comes to mind - about an Italian and AA romance that begins and how their entire world rejects them because of both families’ determination to remain racially segregated as a family. Add it to the list of movies to watch before you leave this earth to Rest In Peace. This happens all over the world. Maybe new themes with more diverse immigration and younger races being more progressive, but the tune to the song is the same.

Nothing new under the sun. Things change and things stay the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like an Indian. You dodged a bullet. Nothing wrong with Indian men, but if someone's family is so dead set against you without even knowing you, I promise you that doesn't bode well for the future.

Sounds like almost every non-Western culture.

Women are fooling themselves if they think that they can trust a non-western man in his 40s without kids who claims he does not want any. It's pretty much a guarantee that this was going to happen.

-African immigrant.

If he was an Indian then it is a sign of dysfunction that parents did not get him married before.

This is the type of info that OP needs to learn to scan for moving forward. She seems resolute in her belief and trust on another person’s word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being old divorced with kids is not good. He was probably excited to bag a white girl and had blinders on.

I feel that I have a better understanding of his culture than he does. There were no blinders. I brought up family pressure multiple times early on to avoid this and make sure we were on the same page. My family would also have issues. In these circumstances, unless you are ready to marry, dating should not come up. He should have known this. He said he was excited about me and wanted to tell them. We needed to have serious discussions first. This is not a typical American way of dating. I did not mention my ExH until 18 months when the m word came up. Then I had intense family pressure to marry even though I was not sure. Disaster. He should have known better what the reaction would be. In these situations, you should be prepared for this reaction before it is mentioned. He was not prepared for it...it shows a lack of relationship experience and some immaturity or lack of a confidence. It was surprising because I thought I was dealing with someone who more fully understood these issues. I was very hesitant to get involved and he said he was past family pressure. If he had not told me this, there would not gave been a 3rd or 4th date to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like an Indian. You dodged a bullet. Nothing wrong with Indian men, but if someone's family is so dead set against you without even knowing you, I promise you that doesn't bode well for the future.

Sounds like almost every non-Western culture.

Women are fooling themselves if they think that they can trust a non-western man in his 40s without kids who claims he does not want any. It's pretty much a guarantee that this was going to happen.

-African immigrant.

If he was an Indian then it is a sign of dysfunction that parents did not get him married before.

He is not Indian. I already said this. He said his parents stopped pressure to marry many years ago. I asked for reassurance several times because I was not sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the OP is from an oppressive culture/religious background. If you are going to date someone outside our own oppressive family's culture- do yourself a favor and at least don't pick someone with an equally oppressive culture they are bound to. JFC, do please never learn?

The problem is people from similar oppressive culture/religious backgrounds seems to understand me better. I think even if the culture itself is different, the mentality is the same. The typical American has no understanding of these things. I do not care anymore. I am in my 40s...I am over the family crap...he said he was the same....but apparently not. I actually now think he just never dealt with it and thought it would go away and he could “age out” of the family pressure by avoiding it. I think he thought at this age, it would not be as big of a deal, but he is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get the OP is from an oppressive culture/religious background. If you are going to date someone outside our own oppressive family's culture- do yourself a favor and at least don't pick someone with an equally oppressive culture they are bound to. JFC, do please never learn?

The problem is people from similar oppressive culture/religious backgrounds seems to understand me better. I think even if the culture itself is different, the mentality is the same. The typical American has no understanding of these things. I do not care anymore. I am in my 40s...I am over the family crap...he said he was the same....but apparently not. I actually now think he just never dealt with it and thought it would go away and he could “age out” of the family pressure by avoiding it. I think he thought at this age, it would not be as big of a deal, but he is wrong.

Seek therapy. You have tons of hang ups from your family/culture

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get the OP is from an oppressive culture/religious background. If you are going to date someone outside our own oppressive family's culture- do yourself a favor and at least don't pick someone with an equally oppressive culture they are bound to. JFC, do please never learn?

The problem is people from similar oppressive culture/religious backgrounds seems to understand me better. I think even if the culture itself is different, the mentality is the same. The typical American has no understanding of these things. I do not care anymore. I am in my 40s...I am over the family crap...he said he was the same....but apparently not. I actually now think he just never dealt with it and thought it would go away and he could “age out” of the family pressure by avoiding it. I think he thought at this age, it would not be as big of a deal, but he is wrong.

Seek therapy. You have tons of hang ups from your family/culture

I do not have hang ups. I don’t care. I am beyond it. What you do not understand is that the way you think being raised this way is just different and that way of thinking does not disappear. There is no “therapy” to deal with...you just deal with it how you can. And I chose at 18 to stop making it a priority. I do not have an active involvement in my family’s culture. I left it behind after high school...but it does not change they way I think. I was very specifically over cautious of this situation at the start and needed a lot of reassurance because not everyone has the strength to do what they want. I did succumb to family pressure to marry in early 30s but before then I did not. I got divorced which is completely taboo and I do not care. There are no “hang ups.” It is part of the way I think about certain things being raised that way and there is no way to erase that. There is no reason for “therapy.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being old divorced with kids is not good. He was probably excited to bag a white girl and had blinders on.

I feel that I have a better understanding of his culture than he does. There were no blinders. I brought up family pressure multiple times early on to avoid this and make sure we were on the same page. My family would also have issues. In these circumstances, unless you are ready to marry, dating should not come up. He should have known this. He said he was excited about me and wanted to tell them. We needed to have serious discussions first. This is not a typical American way of dating. I did not mention my ExH until 18 months when the m word came up. Then I had intense family pressure to marry even though I was not sure. Disaster. He should have known better what the reaction would be. In these situations, you should be prepared for this reaction before it is mentioned. He was not prepared for it...it shows a lack of relationship experience and some immaturity or lack of a confidence. It was surprising because I thought I was dealing with someone who more fully understood these issues. I was very hesitant to get involved and he said he was past family pressure. If he had not told me this, there would not gave been a 3rd or 4th date to begin with.

“ Everything was great for 6 months and then family finds out and boom: he ends it. Advice?”


Troll Grade: Solid D-.

You made it 7pages but no drama and you outed yourself getting lazy. There was a lot of of potential here. Too bad.

[Anonymous]

Op here: by the way, my exH is not from the same cultural background. Our problems were not culture/family. We both did not put a priority on being with someone of that background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being old divorced with kids is not good. He was probably excited to bag a white girl and had blinders on.

I feel that I have a better understanding of his culture than he does. There were no blinders. I brought up family pressure multiple times early on to avoid this and make sure we were on the same page. My family would also have issues. In these circumstances, unless you are ready to marry, dating should not come up. He should have known this. He said he was excited about me and wanted to tell them. We needed to have serious discussions first. This is not a typical American way of dating. I did not mention my ExH until 18 months when the m word came up. Then I had intense family pressure to marry even though I was not sure. Disaster. He should have known better what the reaction would be. In these situations, you should be prepared for this reaction before it is mentioned. He was not prepared for it...it shows a lack of relationship experience and some immaturity or lack of a confidence. It was surprising because I thought I was dealing with someone who more fully understood these issues. I was very hesitant to get involved and he said he was past family pressure. If he had not told me this, there would not gave been a 3rd or 4th date to begin with.

“ Everything was great for 6 months and then family finds out and boom: he ends it. Advice?”


Troll Grade: Solid D-.

You made it 7pages but no drama and you outed yourself getting lazy. There was a lot of of potential here. Too bad.

I do not understand your post at all. Okay...I guess.

[Anonymous]

I am not a troll. The bolded statements refer to two different people. ExH and ex bf. Completely different.

[Anonymous]

Anyway, I got the responses I was looking for at the very beginning of this thread...just forget it. So if he wants to reconnect at some point, it is pretty much hopeless and I should not entertain it. Thanks for the feedback.

[Anonymous]

Your other issue is you are incredibly arrogant OP you do not understand him, his family, or his cultural background better than him.


You didn't read this man or this situation properly, You goofed up it happens. Move the hell on.