Coming to terms with your teen being unmotivated and unimpressive?

[Anonymous]

This thread is bizarre. His options are not Mark Zuckerberg or homeless drug addict. I guarantee your teens are not as “talented” at their “passions” at 16 as you think they are. I seriously did not know people tied a kid’s high school involvement to their middle age income!


And I’m guessing OP is talking about cross country. In that case, even though it’s no cut my kid learned great lessons and got fit and deeply enjoyed ms, hs, and d3 xc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some kids are obsessed with school and learning and ECs... some are obsessed with sports and hate school... some overachievers are obsessed with school and learning AND sports/ECs... and some are apathetic and into nothing but pissing their life away on the couch.

The glass is half full comments are acting like kids into nothing are actually closet geniuses who magically turn into motivated goal-orientated professionals. I'm sorry, that's a delusional outlook. If you're an unmotivated loser you're not absorbing knowledge or skills at school or at home. You remain a dullard.

Read Gladwell's Outliers book, you need reps or 10,000 hours of doing something to become good. Kids become good public speakers getting public speaking reps. Kids become great writers writing a lot. Kids become the next Mark Zuckerberg writing code in their teens. You get the idea. The only thing a kid like OP described is going to be good at is video games and ordering pizza with mom's credit card as that's what his 10,000 hours were spent doing.

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some kids are obsessed with school and learning and ECs... some are obsessed with sports and hate school... some overachievers are obsessed with school and learning AND sports/ECs... and some are apathetic and into nothing but pissing their life away on the couch.

The glass is half full comments are acting like kids into nothing are actually closet geniuses who magically turn into motivated goal-orientated professionals. I'm sorry, that's a delusional outlook. If you're an unmotivated loser you're not absorbing knowledge or skills at school or at home. You remain a dullard.

Read Gladwell's Outliers book, you need reps or 10,000 hours of doing something to become good. Kids become good public speakers getting public speaking reps. Kids become great writers writing a lot. Kids become the next Mark Zuckerberg writing code in their teens. You get the idea. The only thing a kid like OP described is going to be good at is video games and ordering pizza with mom's credit card as that's what his 10,000 hours were spent doing.

Speak for yourself. What is your IQ?

[Anonymous]

15 years later...

My 30 year old college dropout son is unemployed and still addicted to video games and living vicariously through athletes on television. What do we do?

DCUM: Love him for him! Things could be worse!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15 years later...

My 30 year old college dropout son is unemployed and still addicted to video games and living vicariously through athletes on television. What do we do?

DCUM: Love him for him! Things could be worse!

That’s his fault then

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15 years later...

My 30 year old college dropout son is unemployed and still addicted to video games and living vicariously through athletes on television. What do we do?

DCUM: Love him for him! Things could be worse!

Love him for him. Things could be worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Following along, and I feel the same OP. I don’t want to hijack your thread, but you are not alone.

Forum search turned up some insightful old threads on this same topic.

Anyone here naturally lazy? I ask because my 19-year-old son is. I'm convinced he is wired this way.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/814350.page

Lazy underemployed 23-yo son with college degree wants to move back home
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/683509.page

Teen son treading towards loserville
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/588834.page

Why is my 16-yo son a lazy asshat [note: her son actually sounds 10x more motivated than OP's]
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/183185.page

And this post caught my eye. Sad but true.

Some people are just lazy. They drop out, never work and slack off the rest of their lives. I have a family full of these people. I don't think you can make someone change. You can however not enable them. Don't pay for a car or phone. Make them earn the money. In regards to school you can't do much. You can't study or take the tests for him.

[Anonymous]

Just make sure he goes to college and preferably, gets a master as well. Eventually, this will probably lead to a MC lifestyle at the very least. My husband is proof - horrible ADHD, went to medical school and dropped out after 3 years, then masters in chemistry and an eternal student for 10 years to get his PhD (and did not finish it) to end up working in a completely unrelated field making around 180k year. His life turned around when he met me, to tell the truth - not bragging, but since I was the one taking charge of the finances and household management, he now lives like a normal adult - still plays video games though (and still has to be micromanaged).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15 years later...

My 30 year old college dropout son is unemployed and still addicted to video games and living vicariously through athletes on television. What do we do?

DCUM: Love him for him! Things could be worse!

15 years later....

My 30 year old child who took 15 APs in HS got 5's on all tests graduated college early burned out and is in my basement with anxiety and depression, still saying they are 2 years away from getting their PhD to no avail. They have never held a real job and can't relate to anybody.

DCUM: Mine took 20 APs, it's because you coddled him.

[Anonymous]

OP it’s impossible for me to evaluate if your son actually has a problem or not from your post. Objectively: he has friends and seems to socialize regularly (good sign), he plays a sport (good sign), he is passionate about things (video games and watching sports), he slacks off (not great but not dire either), he’s on adderall but doesn’t always take it (bad sign). This sounds like a mixed bag. He seems relatively well adjusted. You don’t mention grades, drug or alcohol use, behavioral issues at home or at school... those are all red flags that would concern me. His lack of athletic competitiveness does not concern me.

What concerns me is the story you are telling yourself and us about him. The word “lazy” is so loaded with judgment. So is “unimpressive”. Who would you like him to impress? You? Your friends? Your family? Does he impress his friends? Himself? Is he funny? Kind?

Do you love him? Not in an obligatory “of course, he’s my son” way. But in an unconditional, I love you no matter what, you are valuable to me and worthy of my love no matter what way?

It concerns me that I’m not sure of the answers to these questions. I couldn’t care less if your son goes running during his sport’s preseason. But I’m very bothered by the way you talk about your kid with this detached, judgmental tone, as though he’s a job applicant. That freaks me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it’s impossible for me to evaluate if your son actually has a problem or not from your post. Objectively: he has friends and seems to socialize regularly (good sign), he plays a sport (good sign), he is passionate about things (video games and watching sports), he slacks off (not great but not dire either), he’s on adderall but doesn’t always take it (bad sign). This sounds like a mixed bag. He seems relatively well adjusted. You don’t mention grades, drug or alcohol use, behavioral issues at home or at school... those are all red flags that would concern me. His lack of athletic competitiveness does not concern me.

What concerns me is the story you are telling yourself and us about him. The word “lazy” is so loaded with judgment. So is “unimpressive”. Who would you like him to impress? You? Your friends? Your family? Does he impress his friends? Himself? Is he funny? Kind?

Do you love him? Not in an obligatory “of course, he’s my son” way. But in an unconditional, I love you no matter what, you are valuable to me and worthy of my love no matter what way?

It concerns me that I’m not sure of the answers to these questions. I couldn’t care less if your son goes running during his sport’s preseason. But I’m very bothered by the way you talk about your kid with this detached, judgmental tone, as though he’s a job applicant. That freaks me out.

I took unimpressive in the context of this forum and region it represents — her son is never going to be in honors/AP courses, never going to put up great SAT score, never going to be in nourishing extracurriculars. He may not even attempt and probably won’t ever graduate from college — let alone target top 20 or 50 universities for admission like “impressive” overachievers.

The mother is asking what do adjusted long-term goals look like for a teen that’s in the bottom quartile and maybe even decile of their class. How does a teen like this ever become a self-sufficient man. And if he’s not already, once his metabolism slows he’ll become unhealthy and likely overweight. All dire prospects she’s trying to come to terms with and figure out a best case plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15 years later...

My 30 year old college dropout son is unemployed and still addicted to video games and living vicariously through athletes on television. What do we do?

DCUM: Love him for him! Things could be worse!

15 years later....

My 30 year old child who took 15 APs in HS got 5's on all tests graduated college early burned out and is in my basement with anxiety and depression, still saying they are 2 years away from getting their PhD to no avail. They have never held a real job and can't relate to anybody.

DCUM: Mine took 20 APs, it's because you coddled him.

This is such an exaggerated myth. The overwhelming majority of overachievers are HAPPY and do great at college. Maybe they don’t get into medical school and pivot to something else, for shame! But the prospects for lazy burnouts are rarely good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure he goes to college and preferably, gets a master as well. Eventually, this will probably lead to a MC lifestyle at the very least. My husband is proof - horrible ADHD, went to medical school and dropped out after 3 years, then masters in chemistry and an eternal student for 10 years to get his PhD (and did not finish it) to end up working in a completely unrelated field making around 180k year. His life turned around when he met me, to tell the truth - not bragging, but since I was the one taking charge of the finances and household management, he now lives like a normal adult - still plays video games though (and still has to be micromanaged).

LOL this is hysterical. Got into med school, wasn't for him, got a masters in chemistry, worked on his PhD but didn't finish it then ended up making $180K per year and you credit his success to meeting you? Unreal. People who think they are the saviors of the world are the absolute worst. They suck the life out of everyone around them.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you ever watched this guy? ADHD dude. His expertise is boys with ADHD and *a lot* of what he says resonates (my DS14 has ADHD).

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCL3hX8PFFe2UI_BlnQvQYFw

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15 years later...

My 30 year old college dropout son is unemployed and still addicted to video games and living vicariously through athletes on television. What do we do?

DCUM: Love him for him! Things could be worse!

15 years later....

My 30 year old child who took 15 APs in HS got 5's on all tests graduated college early burned out and is in my basement with anxiety and depression, still saying they are 2 years away from getting their PhD to no avail. They have never held a real job and can't relate to anybody.

DCUM: Mine took 20 APs, it's because you coddled him.

This is such an exaggerated myth. The overwhelming majority of overachievers are HAPPY and do great at college. Maybe they don’t get into medical school and pivot to something else, for shame! But the prospects for lazy burnouts are rarely good.

They’re happy because they NATURALLY overachiever. Not because their parent conditionally liked them. Admit that you only love your kid conditionally (which is vile).