Coming to terms with your teen being unmotivated and unimpressive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve only read the OP so far. Not all kids are competitive at sports. If he loves his “no cut” sport and enjoys it, who the F cares whether he practices or excels. I imagine it gets his body moving, and it enables him to interact with other people. It sounds like you want him to reflect well on you, or match your competitive, driven spirit, and that’s not a fair burden to put on him. Kids bloom and evolve at different times, some later than others. He will find his own path.

Yeah, the sport thing is just odd to me. For the vast majority of kids, playing a sport is really just a way to get exercise. I played a number of sports when I was in middle school and high school, and was generally above average. But, parents back then weren't insane about sports like they are these days. No way would they have spent thousands of dollars and blown every weekend driving two states over just so their kids could be on some travel team coached by an obsessive psycho. I'm pretty glad my kids have other interests.

So, far, I haven't seen anything on this thread to indicate that there's really anything wrong with OP's kid. A lot of posters seem to be be projecting their own insecurities on a kid whose worst sin seems to be that he's laid back.

OP doesn't sound like a crazy travel sports mom. OP referenced the sport to bolster the point the kid is lazy and unmotivated not just at home, but also at school, in the no-cut sport he plays, on and on. There's no there there in any environment except in front of the TV.

If she's trying to make the argument that the kid is lazy and unmotivated, she hasn't done a good job. At most, she's shown evidence that the kid has interests that she doesn't share. I'm still waiting to see some evidence on this thread that the kid is doing badly at school, or is in danger of going to prison, or whatever. OP has painted a picture of a kids with some hobbies and interests (video games, sports as a spectator), and that he's engaged in an extracurricular sport, though he's not a star athlete. He seems to have friends.

I'm still trying to figure out exactly what the issue is with this kid? Nothing on this thread leads me to believe that there's any real problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my late-bloomer anecdote.

My male cousin was a jerk, a slacker with mostly Cs, and off and on pothead and boozer all through high school. His parents were mortified. He spent two years at a community college, then three years at a state university. Then another three years at an honestly mediocre law school.

He's now a successful hometown lawyer with a pretty wife and cute kids. He is even a trustee at his alma mater.

But dig deeper and k-12 he attended great private schools, he played 2 or 3 sports, he's handsome, charming, and nobody ever considered him dumb. His parents are also professionals, so he had all the safety nets and connections that come with that.

My point is to remain skeptical of anecdotes who act like its easy or normal to late bloom. It's really difficult to bounce back once you fall through the cracks and you're in "dummy track" courses in high school and you're around low-achieving peers most of the day for 9th-12th who don't give a shit about their futures. Falling behind in school usually leads to being forever behind. It's not anything a parent should be nonchalant about.

Late bloomer fallacy is magical thinking from coping parents. Most losers remain losers, most winners remain winners. You're pretty baked in the cake by your teens. People don't change, certainly not with the frequently folks in this thread suggest.

My father dropped out of high school in 1960. He went to college, got a phD and had a long and very successful career.

Stop being ridiculous.

good news- clearly an expected outcome. Little known fact, the average educational level attained by high school dropouts is a post secondary degree

Seriously. And every other flunkie who scores 15 on the ACT earns a bachelor's degree! Who knew?! Haha.

OP did not give any evidence that her kid is a “flunkie” or a high school dropout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my late-bloomer anecdote.

My male cousin was a jerk, a slacker with mostly Cs, and off and on pothead and boozer all through high school. His parents were mortified. He spent two years at a community college, then three years at a state university. Then another three years at an honestly mediocre law school.

He's now a successful hometown lawyer with a pretty wife and cute kids. He is even a trustee at his alma mater.

But dig deeper and k-12 he attended great private schools, he played 2 or 3 sports, he's handsome, charming, and nobody ever considered him dumb. His parents are also professionals, so he had all the safety nets and connections that come with that.

My point is to remain skeptical of anecdotes who act like its easy or normal to late bloom. It's really difficult to bounce back once you fall through the cracks and you're in "dummy track" courses in high school and you're around low-achieving peers most of the day for 9th-12th who don't give a shit about their futures. Falling behind in school usually leads to being forever behind. It's not anything a parent should be nonchalant about.

Late bloomer fallacy is magical thinking from coping parents. Most losers remain losers, most winners remain winners. You're pretty baked in the cake by your teens. People don't change, certainly not with the frequently folks in this thread suggest.

Bahaha okay. This thread is really entertaining. You’re a loser.

[Anonymous]

I really don't get this. Really. It seems that nobody is willing to accept that most people are average- there have to be lots of average people in order for above average or superior performers to be distinguishable from everyone else. But yet we all expect our kids to be stars in their sports, activities, appearances -- all of it. No wonder we are raising an entire generation of depressed, anxious, stressed teens. Who they are just isn't enough for anyone. Some react with self harm, some push themselves to unreasonable limits, and some just spend a whole lot of time wondering who they "really are" because it's apparently supposed to be someone else. What are we doing here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get this. Really. It seems that nobody is willing to accept that most people are average- there have to be lots of average people in order for above average or superior performers to be distinguishable from everyone else. But yet we all expect our kids to be stars in their sports, activities, appearances -- all of it. No wonder we are raising an entire generation of depressed, anxious, stressed teens. Who they are just isn't enough for anyone. Some react with self harm, some push themselves to unreasonable limits, and some just spend a whole lot of time wondering who they "really are" because it's apparently supposed to be someone else. What are we doing here?

Amen

[Anonymous]

Was he born at Sibley? Did he go to NCRC? Was he breastfed for 3 years? Was he screen-free? If no to any of these, he’s permanently tainted. The world needs ditch diggers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get this. Really. It seems that nobody is willing to accept that most people are average- there have to be lots of average people in order for above average or superior performers to be distinguishable from everyone else. But yet we all expect our kids to be stars in their sports, activities, appearances -- all of it. No wonder we are raising an entire generation of depressed, anxious, stressed teens. Who they are just isn't enough for anyone. Some react with self harm, some push themselves to unreasonable limits, and some just spend a whole lot of time wondering who they "really are" because it's apparently supposed to be someone else. What are we doing here?

OP's layabout doesn't sound average, he sounds bottom quartile. What are the prospects for an unmotivated young man in the bottom quartile? Not good, especially if the parents aren't rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get this. Really. It seems that nobody is willing to accept that most people are average- there have to be lots of average people in order for above average or superior performers to be distinguishable from everyone else. But yet we all expect our kids to be stars in their sports, activities, appearances -- all of it. No wonder we are raising an entire generation of depressed, anxious, stressed teens. Who they are just isn't enough for anyone. Some react with self harm, some push themselves to unreasonable limits, and some just spend a whole lot of time wondering who they "really are" because it's apparently supposed to be someone else. What are we doing here?

OP's layabout doesn't sound average, he sounds bottom quartile. What are the prospects for an unmotivated young man in the bottom quartile? Not good, especially if the parents aren't rich.

The bottom quartile of what?

[Anonymous]

For every late bloomer success story there are 1,000 ditch diggers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For every late bloomer success story there are 1,000 ditch diggers.

So what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get this. Really. It seems that nobody is willing to accept that most people are average- there have to be lots of average people in order for above average or superior performers to be distinguishable from everyone else. But yet we all expect our kids to be stars in their sports, activities, appearances -- all of it. No wonder we are raising an entire generation of depressed, anxious, stressed teens. Who they are just isn't enough for anyone. Some react with self harm, some push themselves to unreasonable limits, and some just spend a whole lot of time wondering who they "really are" because it's apparently supposed to be someone else. What are we doing here?

This.

I get so hung up in the phrase “unimpressive.” To whom? I think often these parents are just upset that their kids aren’t doing something they can brag to neighbors and family-members about. OP wants to be able to say “Junior just made varsity and his SAT score is through the roof!” That’s it. If she was focused on her kids well being and development, she wouldn’t care if he was impressive. She’d be focused on stuff like his mood, his sociability, and his communication abilities. She’d focus on her relationship with him, taking an interest in his interests instead of complaining on the internet about it.

People need to parent the kids they have and stop wishing for some sitcom stereotype.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why assuming no issues? My teen has severe ADHD and associated learning disabilities. His schooling is decent, but not impressive, and left to himself, he'd be playing video games all day, because ADHD and addictive personalities go hand in hand. He needs A LOT of supervision, and will need a lot of supervision in college as well. Despite what idiots say on DCUM about letting their kids fail at a certain age, my son is part of a population that needs an extra decade in order to be a responsible, productive, adult. I know, because my husband and myself were like this too, and we are grateful our parents steered us in the right direction for longer than average.

You might want to double check whether yours has ADHD.

He’s on Adderall. It helps to a point but he’s at the age where he doesn’t take it if he doesn’t feel like it. And it’s not like I can make him take it if he goes off to college or whatever is the next chapter. Even when he’s on it, it’s not a magic pill that guarantees productivity. He can take it and go play video games. He can take it and fall asleep if he’s bored. He just doesn’t give a damn about anything. He’s addicted to all things sports. He basically worships athletes and video games. Yet in real life I’ve never seen him put forth effort and display competiveness. He plays a no-cut sport and he’s terrible because he’s so lazy he won’t practice in his free time to get better. It makes no sense that he worships competitive athletes on tv yet sits on his butt all day.

How did you get a prescription for Adderall for a kid without ADHD?

Or, am I reading this wrong, and you're not OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get this. Really. It seems that nobody is willing to accept that most people are average- there have to be lots of average people in order for above average or superior performers to be distinguishable from everyone else. But yet we all expect our kids to be stars in their sports, activities, appearances -- all of it. No wonder we are raising an entire generation of depressed, anxious, stressed teens. Who they are just isn't enough for anyone. Some react with self harm, some push themselves to unreasonable limits, and some just spend a whole lot of time wondering who they "really are" because it's apparently supposed to be someone else. What are we doing here?

This.

I get so hung up in the phrase “unimpressive.” To whom? I think often these parents are just upset that their kids aren’t doing something they can brag to neighbors and family-members about. OP wants to be able to say “Junior just made varsity and his SAT score is through the roof!” That’s it. If she was focused on her kids well being and development, she wouldn’t care if he was impressive. She’d be focused on stuff like his mood, his sociability, and his communication abilities. She’d focus on her relationship with him, taking an interest in his interests instead of complaining on the internet about it.

People need to parent the kids they have and stop wishing for some sitcom stereotype.

+1 one million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get this. Really. It seems that nobody is willing to accept that most people are average- there have to be lots of average people in order for above average or superior performers to be distinguishable from everyone else. But yet we all expect our kids to be stars in their sports, activities, appearances -- all of it. No wonder we are raising an entire generation of depressed, anxious, stressed teens. Who they are just isn't enough for anyone. Some react with self harm, some push themselves to unreasonable limits, and some just spend a whole lot of time wondering who they "really are" because it's apparently supposed to be someone else. What are we doing here?

This.

I get so hung up in the phrase “unimpressive.” To whom? I think often these parents are just upset that their kids aren’t doing something they can brag to neighbors and family-members about. OP wants to be able to say “Junior just made varsity and his SAT score is through the roof!” That’s it. If she was focused on her kids well being and development, she wouldn’t care if he was impressive. She’d be focused on stuff like his mood, his sociability, and his communication abilities. She’d focus on her relationship with him, taking an interest in his interests instead of complaining on the internet about it.

People need to parent the kids they have and stop wishing for some sitcom stereotype.

At what age do you recommend admitting you have an average or even below average kid and stop trying to coach them up? Or do you not believe coaching up even works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get this. Really. It seems that nobody is willing to accept that most people are average- there have to be lots of average people in order for above average or superior performers to be distinguishable from everyone else. But yet we all expect our kids to be stars in their sports, activities, appearances -- all of it. No wonder we are raising an entire generation of depressed, anxious, stressed teens. Who they are just isn't enough for anyone. Some react with self harm, some push themselves to unreasonable limits, and some just spend a whole lot of time wondering who they "really are" because it's apparently supposed to be someone else. What are we doing here?

This.

I get so hung up in the phrase “unimpressive.” To whom? I think often these parents are just upset that their kids aren’t doing something they can brag to neighbors and family-members about. OP wants to be able to say “Junior just made varsity and his SAT score is through the roof!” That’s it. If she was focused on her kids well being and development, she wouldn’t care if he was impressive. She’d be focused on stuff like his mood, his sociability, and his communication abilities. She’d focus on her relationship with him, taking an interest in his interests instead of complaining on the internet about it.

People need to parent the kids they have and stop wishing for some sitcom stereotype.

At what age do you recommend admitting you have an average or even below average kid and stop trying to coach them up? Or do you not believe coaching up even works?

OMG. Never. Seriously. People are below average at some measures and above average in others. There is no single measurement of your worth as a person.