Coming to terms with your teen being unmotivated and unimpressive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its also not realistic to think that all kids with ADHD will be functional to operate a business, etc. There is a spectrum of intelligence and talent like any other intellectual disability. Not all adhd folks can build things or effectively manage workers, etc.

OP, you don't have to accept your DS behavior. You could cut out the screen time, for starters. He probably lacks creativity because he's been so glued to video games.

Ugh terrible advice. The key with ADHD or other things like it us to encourage their interests. They will learn the things you hope for through those things. Especially with something that makes things much harder for them you have to let them try and fail and overcome and work hard at sports or video games or whatever and then I hat confidence comes through to other things and can be applied to there things as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Op you have to work to do
Your kid is being treated for ADHD and you clearly don't know much about it. Get off your ass and figure out how to get a good parent to a kid with ADHD because honestly you have not applied yourself and you are going to damage your relationship with your kid bevaus you are being an idiot.

Medication is not enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would ask yourself what he was like when he was very young. If he used to be super engaged and the sort of kid who always asked interesting questions, was busy "doing", thought deeply and wanted to "know more" than I would be very concerned. If he always seemed like a very "average" laidback, non competitive, not that curious person then maybe that's the way he is? Has he ever been tested for IQ, etc? Not saying you should if he hasn't but maybe he is just an average kid with no real strong interest in things beyond consuming what others do. I don't mean this rudely. My SIL is like this and I think always has been, based on my husbands memory, although she got decent grades and is a very nice person she was never the "star" at anything, she doesn't have that many interests beyond hanging out with friends and her family(her job is one that is not that intellectually stimulating but pays the bills), she has no "calling" or strong desire to create anything. She doesn't even like to cook. She is who she is and she found a husband who likes to "do" while she watches. They seem suited for each other.
I'm not like that and for years I thought she was very lame, frankly. But I've matured over time and come to "each their own" and BTW she seems happy enough. I've known her for over 20 years. Since she was 19.
I should add that her parents never put any pressure on her to "succeed". Neither did mine, but I have a number of innate "talents" and would feel profoundly unhappy if I never did anything creative and lived a life like my SIL. My husband also has an innate drive to do things and has been very successful in an entirely different field than I am.

This sounds like it was written by my narcissistic sister-in-law about me, LOL! I'll be over here enjoying my stable GS-14 job, my quiet life, and my husband's cooking.

All we know about OP's kid is that he spends too much time in front of the TV for her taste, does not meet her standards in terms of athletic prowess, and is medicated for ADHD. I'm not sure why everyone thinks he is practically failing out of HS or doesn't want to go to college. My lazy ADHD kid who is not gifted and has no interest in academics still got As and Bs (he took 5 APs instead of 15), a high ACT score (he didn't prep), and is pursuing his lone interest in college. He became more involved near the end of HS - don't give up on your kid.
There are plenty of interesting people who lead a “quiet life”. I’m talking about a woman who never reads anything beyond more magazine and is kind of average and not deep at all. You have a vastly more interesting job, I guarantee more drive as someone who applied for it, than the woman described above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's my late-bloomer anecdote.

My male cousin was a jerk, a slacker with mostly Cs, and off and on pothead and boozer all through high school. His parents were mortified. He spent two years at a community college, then three years at a state university. Then another three years at an honestly mediocre law school.

He's now a successful hometown lawyer with a pretty wife and cute kids. He is even a trustee at his alma mater.

But dig deeper and k-12 he attended great private schools, he played 2 or 3 sports, he's handsome, charming, and nobody ever considered him dumb. His parents are also professionals, so he had all the safety nets and connections that come with that.

My point is to remain skeptical of anecdotes who act like its easy or normal to late bloom. It's really difficult to bounce back once you fall through the cracks and you're in "dummy track" courses in high school and you're around low-achieving peers most of the day for 9th-12th who don't give a shit about their futures. Falling behind in school usually leads to being forever behind. It's not anything a parent should be nonchalant about.

Late bloomer fallacy is magical thinking from coping parents. Most losers remain losers, most winners remain winners. You're pretty baked in the cake by your teens. People don't change, certainly not with the frequently folks in this thread suggest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my late-bloomer anecdote.

My male cousin was a jerk, a slacker with mostly Cs, and off and on pothead and boozer all through high school. His parents were mortified. He spent two years at a community college, then three years at a state university. Then another three years at an honestly mediocre law school.

He's now a successful hometown lawyer with a pretty wife and cute kids. He is even a trustee at his alma mater.

But dig deeper and k-12 he attended great private schools, he played 2 or 3 sports, he's handsome, charming, and nobody ever considered him dumb. His parents are also professionals, so he had all the safety nets and connections that come with that.

My point is to remain skeptical of anecdotes who act like its easy or normal to late bloom. It's really difficult to bounce back once you fall through the cracks and you're in "dummy track" courses in high school and you're around low-achieving peers most of the day for 9th-12th who don't give a shit about their futures. Falling behind in school usually leads to being forever behind. It's not anything a parent should be nonchalant about.

Late bloomer fallacy is magical thinking from coping parents. Most losers remain losers, most winners remain winners. You're pretty baked in the cake by your teens. People don't change, certainly not with the frequently folks in this thread suggest.

Donald, is that you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my late-bloomer anecdote.

My male cousin was a jerk, a slacker with mostly Cs, and off and on pothead and boozer all through high school. His parents were mortified. He spent two years at a community college, then three years at a state university. Then another three years at an honestly mediocre law school.

He's now a successful hometown lawyer with a pretty wife and cute kids. He is even a trustee at his alma mater.

But dig deeper and k-12 he attended great private schools, he played 2 or 3 sports, he's handsome, charming, and nobody ever considered him dumb. His parents are also professionals, so he had all the safety nets and connections that come with that.

My point is to remain skeptical of anecdotes who act like its easy or normal to late bloom. It's really difficult to bounce back once you fall through the cracks and you're in "dummy track" courses in high school and you're around low-achieving peers most of the day for 9th-12th who don't give a shit about their futures. Falling behind in school usually leads to being forever behind. It's not anything a parent should be nonchalant about.

Late bloomer fallacy is magical thinking from coping parents. Most losers remain losers, most winners remain winners. You're pretty baked in the cake by your teens. People don't change, certainly not with the frequently folks in this thread suggest.

My father dropped out of high school in 1960. He went to college, got a phD and had a long and very successful career.

Stop being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my late-bloomer anecdote.

My male cousin was a jerk, a slacker with mostly Cs, and off and on pothead and boozer all through high school. His parents were mortified. He spent two years at a community college, then three years at a state university. Then another three years at an honestly mediocre law school.

He's now a successful hometown lawyer with a pretty wife and cute kids. He is even a trustee at his alma mater.

But dig deeper and k-12 he attended great private schools, he played 2 or 3 sports, he's handsome, charming, and nobody ever considered him dumb. His parents are also professionals, so he had all the safety nets and connections that come with that.

My point is to remain skeptical of anecdotes who act like its easy or normal to late bloom. It's really difficult to bounce back once you fall through the cracks and you're in "dummy track" courses in high school and you're around low-achieving peers most of the day for 9th-12th who don't give a shit about their futures. Falling behind in school usually leads to being forever behind. It's not anything a parent should be nonchalant about.

Late bloomer fallacy is magical thinking from coping parents. Most losers remain losers, most winners remain winners. You're pretty baked in the cake by your teens. People don't change, certainly not with the frequently folks in this thread suggest.

Donald, is that you?

By all accounts Trump at age 75 is the same dumb asshole his dad sent off to military school at 15.

[Anonymous]

I love the people on this thread that tell the OP that he/she is the problem. If the kid is too lazy to get off the couch his job outlook doesn't look to good.

You can only do what is in your control, don't enable his laziness. If he's in your house and living off you, cut the TV time, cell phone access and give hime chores. Tell him when he graduates high school he's expected to chip in financially or live somewhere else. You don't want him living in your basement when he's 20.

I have a son who is almost 17 and I have the same thing going on. He knows where he stands and what the expectations are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve only read the OP so far. Not all kids are competitive at sports. If he loves his “no cut” sport and enjoys it, who the F cares whether he practices or excels. I imagine it gets his body moving, and it enables him to interact with other people. It sounds like you want him to reflect well on you, or match your competitive, driven spirit, and that’s not a fair burden to put on him. Kids bloom and evolve at different times, some later than others. He will find his own path.

Yeah, the sport thing is just odd to me. For the vast majority of kids, playing a sport is really just a way to get exercise. I played a number of sports when I was in middle school and high school, and was generally above average. But, parents back then weren't insane about sports like they are these days. No way would they have spent thousands of dollars and blown every weekend driving two states over just so their kids could be on some travel team coached by an obsessive psycho. I'm pretty glad my kids have other interests.

So, far, I haven't seen anything on this thread to indicate that there's really anything wrong with OP's kid. A lot of posters seem to be be projecting their own insecurities on a kid whose worst sin seems to be that he's laid back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my late-bloomer anecdote.

My male cousin was a jerk, a slacker with mostly Cs, and off and on pothead and boozer all through high school. His parents were mortified. He spent two years at a community college, then three years at a state university. Then another three years at an honestly mediocre law school.

He's now a successful hometown lawyer with a pretty wife and cute kids. He is even a trustee at his alma mater.

But dig deeper and k-12 he attended great private schools, he played 2 or 3 sports, he's handsome, charming, and nobody ever considered him dumb. His parents are also professionals, so he had all the safety nets and connections that come with that.

My point is to remain skeptical of anecdotes who act like its easy or normal to late bloom. It's really difficult to bounce back once you fall through the cracks and you're in "dummy track" courses in high school and you're around low-achieving peers most of the day for 9th-12th who don't give a shit about their futures. Falling behind in school usually leads to being forever behind. It's not anything a parent should be nonchalant about.

Late bloomer fallacy is magical thinking from coping parents. Most losers remain losers, most winners remain winners. You're pretty baked in the cake by your teens. People don't change, certainly not with the frequently folks in this thread suggest.

Donald, is that you?

By all accounts Trump at age 75 is the same dumb asshole his dad sent off to military school at 15.

Sure, but plenty of people see Trump as a "winner." It is a subjective determination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve only read the OP so far. Not all kids are competitive at sports. If he loves his “no cut” sport and enjoys it, who the F cares whether he practices or excels. I imagine it gets his body moving, and it enables him to interact with other people. It sounds like you want him to reflect well on you, or match your competitive, driven spirit, and that’s not a fair burden to put on him. Kids bloom and evolve at different times, some later than others. He will find his own path.

Yeah, the sport thing is just odd to me. For the vast majority of kids, playing a sport is really just a way to get exercise. I played a number of sports when I was in middle school and high school, and was generally above average. But, parents back then weren't insane about sports like they are these days. No way would they have spent thousands of dollars and blown every weekend driving two states over just so their kids could be on some travel team coached by an obsessive psycho. I'm pretty glad my kids have other interests.

So, far, I haven't seen anything on this thread to indicate that there's really anything wrong with OP's kid. A lot of posters seem to be be projecting their own insecurities on a kid whose worst sin seems to be that he's laid back.

Yep also it clear op has a kid who is being treated for ADHD and yet has not bothered to learn about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my late-bloomer anecdote.

My male cousin was a jerk, a slacker with mostly Cs, and off and on pothead and boozer all through high school. His parents were mortified. He spent two years at a community college, then three years at a state university. Then another three years at an honestly mediocre law school.

He's now a successful hometown lawyer with a pretty wife and cute kids. He is even a trustee at his alma mater.

But dig deeper and k-12 he attended great private schools, he played 2 or 3 sports, he's handsome, charming, and nobody ever considered him dumb. His parents are also professionals, so he had all the safety nets and connections that come with that.

My point is to remain skeptical of anecdotes who act like its easy or normal to late bloom. It's really difficult to bounce back once you fall through the cracks and you're in "dummy track" courses in high school and you're around low-achieving peers most of the day for 9th-12th who don't give a shit about their futures. Falling behind in school usually leads to being forever behind. It's not anything a parent should be nonchalant about.

Late bloomer fallacy is magical thinking from coping parents. Most losers remain losers, most winners remain winners. You're pretty baked in the cake by your teens. People don't change, certainly not with the frequently folks in this thread suggest.

My father dropped out of high school in 1960. He went to college, got a phD and had a long and very successful career.

Stop being ridiculous.

good news- clearly an expected outcome. Little known fact, the average educational level attained by high school dropouts is a post secondary degree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would ask yourself what he was like when he was very young. If he used to be super engaged and the sort of kid who always asked interesting questions, was busy "doing", thought deeply and wanted to "know more" than I would be very concerned. If he always seemed like a very "average" laidback, non competitive, not that curious person then maybe that's the way he is? Has he ever been tested for IQ, etc? Not saying you should if he hasn't but maybe he is just an average kid with no real strong interest in things beyond consuming what others do. I don't mean this rudely. My SIL is like this and I think always has been, based on my husbands memory, although she got decent grades and is a very nice person she was never the "star" at anything, she doesn't have that many interests beyond hanging out with friends and her family(her job is one that is not that intellectually stimulating but pays the bills), she has no "calling" or strong desire to create anything. She doesn't even like to cook. She is who she is and she found a husband who likes to "do" while she watches. They seem suited for each other.
I'm not like that and for years I thought she was very lame, frankly. But I've matured over time and come to "each their own" and BTW she seems happy enough. I've known her for over 20 years. Since she was 19.
I should add that her parents never put any pressure on her to "succeed". Neither did mine, but I have a number of innate "talents" and would feel profoundly unhappy if I never did anything creative and lived a life like my SIL. My husband also has an innate drive to do things and has been very successful in an entirely different field than I am.

This sounds like it was written by my narcissistic sister-in-law about me, LOL! I'll be over here enjoying my stable GS-14 job, my quiet life, and my husband's cooking.

All we know about OP's kid is that he spends too much time in front of the TV for her taste, does not meet her standards in terms of athletic prowess, and is medicated for ADHD. I'm not sure why everyone thinks he is practically failing out of HS or doesn't want to go to college. My lazy ADHD kid who is not gifted and has no interest in academics still got As and Bs (he took 5 APs instead of 15), a high ACT score (he didn't prep), and is pursuing his lone interest in college. He became more involved near the end of HS - don't give up on your kid.

The top poster sounds like such a narcissistic twit. It can't even. Being so totally and apologetically judgmental and shallow. Wow. And I say this as someone that is a "creator" myself. All people contribute and have goodness. None better than the other. Good lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve only read the OP so far. Not all kids are competitive at sports. If he loves his “no cut” sport and enjoys it, who the F cares whether he practices or excels. I imagine it gets his body moving, and it enables him to interact with other people. It sounds like you want him to reflect well on you, or match your competitive, driven spirit, and that’s not a fair burden to put on him. Kids bloom and evolve at different times, some later than others. He will find his own path.

Yeah, the sport thing is just odd to me. For the vast majority of kids, playing a sport is really just a way to get exercise. I played a number of sports when I was in middle school and high school, and was generally above average. But, parents back then weren't insane about sports like they are these days. No way would they have spent thousands of dollars and blown every weekend driving two states over just so their kids could be on some travel team coached by an obsessive psycho. I'm pretty glad my kids have other interests.

So, far, I haven't seen anything on this thread to indicate that there's really anything wrong with OP's kid. A lot of posters seem to be be projecting their own insecurities on a kid whose worst sin seems to be that he's laid back.

OP doesn't sound like a crazy travel sports mom. OP referenced the sport to bolster the point the kid is lazy and unmotivated not just at home, but also at school, in the no-cut sport he plays, on and on. There's no there there in any environment except in front of the TV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my late-bloomer anecdote.

My male cousin was a jerk, a slacker with mostly Cs, and off and on pothead and boozer all through high school. His parents were mortified. He spent two years at a community college, then three years at a state university. Then another three years at an honestly mediocre law school.

He's now a successful hometown lawyer with a pretty wife and cute kids. He is even a trustee at his alma mater.

But dig deeper and k-12 he attended great private schools, he played 2 or 3 sports, he's handsome, charming, and nobody ever considered him dumb. His parents are also professionals, so he had all the safety nets and connections that come with that.

My point is to remain skeptical of anecdotes who act like its easy or normal to late bloom. It's really difficult to bounce back once you fall through the cracks and you're in "dummy track" courses in high school and you're around low-achieving peers most of the day for 9th-12th who don't give a shit about their futures. Falling behind in school usually leads to being forever behind. It's not anything a parent should be nonchalant about.

Late bloomer fallacy is magical thinking from coping parents. Most losers remain losers, most winners remain winners. You're pretty baked in the cake by your teens. People don't change, certainly not with the frequently folks in this thread suggest.

My father dropped out of high school in 1960. He went to college, got a phD and had a long and very successful career.

Stop being ridiculous.

good news- clearly an expected outcome. Little known fact, the average educational level attained by high school dropouts is a post secondary degree

Seriously. And every other flunkie who scores 15 on the ACT earns a bachelor's degree! Who knew?! Haha.