Allowing adult son to move back in? What is fair?

[Anonymous]

So, my 23 year old son is asking to move back in, 'for a while' and I don't really know what a fair rent and terms would be.

Some background:

My now-23 year old son, who is fairly intelligent but a bit lazy and unmotivated, graduated college last year after five years (we paid for tuition outside of a generous scholarship from the university). For this time, he has been living in a large city and paying his own rent/expenses, working as a server alongside his college.

The past six months or so he has had some financial setbacks, having bought a cheap car (that we told him he shouldn't) that died after five months, going on a family vacation across the country, and moving within a month, and since then has been struggling to make ends meet.

We have been pushing him to find a more professional job (that uses his degree), and to his credit he does seem to be trying, if not hard enough.

Anyway, he is now talking about moving back to DC and living with us while he looks for a professional job (this makes sense with his degrees which would work well in government work). Me and DH are willing to consider this, but don't really know where to start. So we have a few questions:

1) How much should we charge in rent? I am thinking around $500-600 is fair, including utilities. He is old enough that we both feel he needs to take responsibility for the actions that led him here, and for his own expenses. At the same time, we feel as though $500 is well below market value for renting a room in our wealthy upper-Northwest DC neighborhood and is fair considering he is our son.

2) Would it be fair to enforce certain requirements for him to stay here? I am thinking that we require he is showing the motivation to actually find a job in his field and to adhere to a weeknight curfew (10PM?). We don't want him to fall into old ways and waste the degree we footed the bill for, and considering he claims a big part of this move is to do just that I think this would be fair.

[Anonymous]

$500-600 rent is a good idea. He needs to pay something so he's motivated to work and to keep searching for a better job. He also needs to contribute to the household, just like he would in a normal roommate situation. He needs to keep his room clean, change the sheets weekly, keep the kitchen tidy, take the trash out, not eat everything in sight, buy TP for his bathroom etc.

You would be wise to also limit the amount of time to find a new place and job and get all of that in writing. Six months seems reasonable and you can always reassess at the five month mark, but it gives you an out if it's not working. Curfew is a good idea so he's not waking you up in the middle of the night and you might want to address overnight guests (or guests in general) as well...just so you're all on the same page as far as your wants and expectations.

[Anonymous]

Rent paying tenants don't have curfews.

Try to ease into seeing and respecting your son as an adult. If there are roommate issues, address those, but don't treat him like a child. HE is a young adult learning to make his way in the world.

If you can't do that, encourage him to rent a room in someone else's house.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't care about room and sheet cleanliness, as long as his habit won't attract vermin.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure you're not overestimating how easy it is to get a job in his field? Jobs are not exactly falling off the tree for 23-year-olds with a bachelors degree and no real experience. You're sounding like you think you own him because you paid for his college education.

However, he's 23 and been living on his own. A curfew is a non-starter. Respect for the occupants of the house (not making a huge noise, no parties without consulting with you etc, no extreme messes) is fair request.

[Anonymous]

Curfew and rent? No way. He should live a group house. Living with you sounds like a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you're not overestimating how easy it is to get a job in his field? Jobs are not exactly falling off the tree for 23-year-olds with a bachelors degree and no real experience. You're sounding like you think you own him because you paid for his college education.

However, he's 23 and been living on his own. A curfew is a non-starter. Respect for the occupants of the house (not making a huge noise, no parties without consulting with you etc, no extreme messes) is fair request.

+1. If he were 27 my answer would be different, but plenty of people live with their parents (for free, I might add) at 23 to save money. You sound kind of disgusted toward him - is there something else going on? I’m not saying coddle him, but the examples you gave of buying a cheap car, going on a family vacation (?) etc don’t seem like he’s living an extravagant lifestyle to begin with. If your biggest issue is that he hasn’t gotten a job in his field, well it’s harder than you think nowadays.

I just don’t get this attitude, sorry. My parents did everything they could to set me up for success at that age and since you live in a wealthy upper NW neighborhood it doesn’t sound like this is a money thing.

[Anonymous]

Don't charge rent.

[Anonymous]

Also, he can find a room in a group house for $600 so I’m not sure why he would have any incentive to live with you, nor what you’re so generously providing him as a parent besides rules and judgement.

[Anonymous]

No curfew and I'd put the $500 each month in an account for him to use as a cushion of deposit and set up for his place when he moves out

[Anonymous]

$500 rent. If you could afford it, I would put it in an account that helps fund a down payment for a home.

Rules: If he choses to eat with you, he engages in the process of preparing / cleaning up afterwards.

If he choses to eat without you, he cleans up. Before he uses any food that you purchased - he asks to make sure it was not purchased for specific meal you are making later in the week.

I would have the same ground rules you had when he lived in the house in high school. If it was that he was expected to take out the garbage / recycling - it is the same. You are a family and people contribute to the home. The $500 fee does not buy him out of contributing / helping around the house.

There are no curfews - BUT there is respect for the household. If he is going to come in at 11:30 - I better not be woken up.

Tell him that this is the deal for 3 months and we will see if it needs to be modified 3 months from now. Do not give him a deadline as until he starts looking - you do not know what the specific market is going to be.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe any parents would charge their kid rent. Your house, your rules— as long as your 23 year old isn’t showing up drunk and stoned and banging around at 3am I don’t see why he would need a curfew. Let him get back on his feet, find a good government job and save up so he can move out. I’m sure he isn’t wanting to live in your house long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe any parents would charge their kid rent. Your house, your rules— as long as your 23 year old isn’t showing up drunk and stoned and banging around at 3am I don’t see why he would need a curfew. Let him get back on his feet, find a good government job and save up so he can move out. I’m sure he isn’t wanting to live in your house long term.

getting a government job is very difficult. people at the jobs and careers forum say they get hundreds of applications for each position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe any parents would charge their kid rent. Your house, your rules— as long as your 23 year old isn’t showing up drunk and stoned and banging around at 3am I don’t see why he would need a curfew. Let him get back on his feet, find a good government job and save up so he can move out. I’m sure he isn’t wanting to live in your house long term.

getting a government job is very difficult. people at the jobs and careers forum say they get hundreds of applications for each position.

Government jobs are extremely difficult, yes, but with a bachelors OP’s son can probably find a GS-7 equivalent admin-type job as a federal contractor and work his way up/in. That’s how I started and how a lot of my coworkers started too.

[Anonymous]

I think he should stay where he is, living on his own, and apply for jobs from there. pp are wrong that he can get a room in a group house for 500. It's more like 1000 to 1300 these days. He could move in with you and not find a job and be stuck there.