Coming to terms with your teen being unmotivated and unimpressive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Believe me, OP, it will take years of therapy for your DS to come to terms with what a crappy parent you were to him.

he better figure out how to get a good job- therapy isn't cheap

It is with insurance

If you have a job that provides it at a cost you can afford- the fall from the DCUM level of privilege most be hard on kids

Fortunately OP’s son has time—most of the “deadbeat” men were either raised LMC or had parents who enabled them to live at home and be unemployed until 35. As long as OP doesn’t enable that she’ll just have to push and pull back will him as much as she can and then he’ll have to support himself somehow. If he wants a job with insurance he’ll need to work hard for one when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP’s kid is the same as 99% of teenage boys now and in 2000 and in 1980. He’s probably not going to be a deadbeat. Damn y’all are pessimists!

Rationalization is a classic defense mechanism. "All boys are like this!" No, all boys are not like this. And no, it doesn't all magically work out in the end. There are over 10 million working prime age American men — 1 in 6 — who are unemployed and living in their childhood home.

https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/06/the-missing-men/488858/

Well since 1 in 10 will be disabled by 40 that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP’s kid is the same as 99% of teenage boys now and in 2000 and in 1980. He’s probably not going to be a deadbeat. Damn y’all are pessimists!

Not really. Tons of boys have been and are very involved in school, sports, extra curricular and do well in school

OP said her child does a sport and extracurriculars and does decent in school.

No, OP only said he's terrible at a single "no-cut sport" he plays and never practices on his own. And something about refuses to bother jogging to get in shape before the season begins again (sounds like a lazy bench rider who couldn't give a damn about playing the sport). If the kid's mum says he's an unmotivated and dull lazy ass, what motivates you to put your head in the sand and exaggerate he's not? It's not like moms like to describe their children in this way, it's painful to admit flaws. But it's better to be honest and confront head on than pretend syrup on s*** is a pancake.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think he sounds like a great kid, and you sound like you need some therapy around your own depression and expectations. I say that with all the love in the world. You’re thinking such critical, mean thoughts about him, and probably about yourself. You both deserve support!

Great? How does such a teen ever earn a living? My cousin was like this in his teens — he’s now an affable 37 year old... college dropout who has never had a real job and lives off his parents.

I know a ton of kids like this... so what do they do now 30 years later...

Builds houses retired at 50
paints cars make $100k/year
computer programmer, $100K/year
drives a taxi, $70K/year
Project Manager, IT, $140K/year
fixes cars, $80K/year
Works for a window replacement company, $80K/year
make/hangs signs (like signs by tomorrow), $80K/year
teacher, $90K/year
landscaping/removes trees, has 3 crews, $150K/year
builds furniture, $100K/year
replaces floors and cabinets in apartments $500K/year

I could go on forever, you need to get out of your bubble.

DP. Out of curiosity, how do you know the salaries?

Those salaries are not realistic. Taxi drivers don't make 70k, they have been undercut by uber.
Window replacement and sign hangers don't make 80k, they make 40-50k.
There are plenty of men hanging out in their parents' basements not making anything and playing video games. The guys I know who make 100K in blue collar jobs weren't that good of students in high school but most of them were really good athletes and were used to working hard. Several excelled in auto shop or woodshop and some had relatives who were in the trades and got them Union apprenticeships.

I am not talking about random people I am talking about people I know.

Signs is 70% graphics design, btw. So much ignorance on this site.

The taxi driver I know was pre-Uber, so maybe, he also works at my local 7-11 at night when his kids went to college.

Most the guys I know who had moms talk about them the way OP does were not athletes simply because America is obsessed with sports and dad had nothing to brag about.

You all seem like very sad people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP’s kid is the same as 99% of teenage boys now and in 2000 and in 1980. He’s probably not going to be a deadbeat. Damn y’all are pessimists!

Not really. Tons of boys have been and are very involved in school, sports, extra curricular and do well in school

OP said her child does a sport and extracurriculars and does decent in school.

No, OP only said he's terrible at a single "no-cut sport" he plays and never practices on his own. And something about refuses to bother jogging to get in shape before the season begins again (sounds like a lazy bench rider who couldn't give a damn about playing the sport). If the kid's mum says he's an unmotivated and dull lazy ass, what motivates you to put your head in the sand and exaggerate he's not? It's not like moms like to describe their children in this way, it's painful to admit flaws. But it's better to be honest and confront head on than pretend syrup on s*** is a pancake.

Nope. Most moms are hypercritical of their kids because they fear it is a reflection of their parenting and they will be judged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom, dad and son should all read JD Vance's memoir and encourage him to enlist in the military at graduation.

+100

Correct me if I'm wrong, I assume JD was a very strong student in high school? Did he ever disclose his grades or test scores in the book? I've heard him claim he joined the military to pay for college, but in-state at OSU isn't a terribly expensive and he would have qualified for financial aid. I think he joined the military because he was always interested in politics. He was not in combat, was he? He did something with typing and writing, I think.

[Anonymous]

Some kids are obsessed with school and learning and ECs... some are obsessed with sports and hate school... some overachievers are obsessed with school and learning AND sports/ECs... and some are apathetic and into nothing but pissing their life away on the couch.

The glass is half full comments are acting like kids into nothing are actually closet geniuses who magically turn into motivated goal-orientated professionals. I'm sorry, that's a delusional outlook. If you're an unmotivated loser you're not absorbing knowledge or skills at school or at home. You remain a dullard.

Read Gladwell's Outliers book, you need reps or 10,000 hours of doing something to become good. Kids become good public speakers getting public speaking reps. Kids become great writers writing a lot. Kids become the next Mark Zuckerberg writing code in their teens. You get the idea. The only thing a kid like OP described is going to be good at is video games and ordering pizza with mom's credit card as that's what his 10,000 hours were spent doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some kids are obsessed with school and learning and ECs... some are obsessed with sports and hate school... some overachievers are obsessed with school and learning AND sports/ECs... and some are apathetic and into nothing but pissing their life away on the couch.

The glass is half full comments are acting like kids into nothing are actually closet geniuses who magically turn into motivated goal-orientated professionals. I'm sorry, that's a delusional outlook. If you're an unmotivated loser you're not absorbing knowledge or skills at school or at home. You remain a dullard.

Read Gladwell's Outliers book, you need reps or 10,000 hours of doing something to become good. Kids become good public speakers getting public speaking reps. Kids become great writers writing a lot. Kids become the next Mark Zuckerberg writing code in their teens. You get the idea. The only thing a kid like OP described is going to be good at is video games and ordering pizza with mom's credit card as that's what his 10,000 hours were spent doing.

This parent is why so many kids have anxiety.

Either you are and outlier or a loser... geez, wtf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some kids are obsessed with school and learning and ECs... some are obsessed with sports and hate school... some overachievers are obsessed with school and learning AND sports/ECs... and some are apathetic and into nothing but pissing their life away on the couch.

The glass is half full comments are acting like kids into nothing are actually closet geniuses who magically turn into motivated goal-orientated professionals. I'm sorry, that's a delusional outlook. If you're an unmotivated loser you're not absorbing knowledge or skills at school or at home. You remain a dullard.

Read Gladwell's Outliers book, you need reps or 10,000 hours of doing something to become good. Kids become good public speakers getting public speaking reps. Kids become great writers writing a lot. Kids become the next Mark Zuckerberg writing code in their teens. You get the idea. The only thing a kid like OP described is going to be good at is video games and ordering pizza with mom's credit card as that's what his 10,000 hours were spent doing.

You need 10K hours to be REALLY good, but the fact of the matter is that many people are not REALLY good at anything. Most people are just OK. If OP's kid graduates from a 4- year college, he's already ahead of the game in the grand scheme of things. The problem with people like OP is that they project their own insecurities onto their kids. The need for validation. The need for prestige. Sure, those things can be satisfying, but is it worth making your kid hate you for failing to love him as he is? There's a huge difference between motivating a kid and making him feel like a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some kids are obsessed with school and learning and ECs... some are obsessed with sports and hate school... some overachievers are obsessed with school and learning AND sports/ECs... and some are apathetic and into nothing but pissing their life away on the couch.

The glass is half full comments are acting like kids into nothing are actually closet geniuses who magically turn into motivated goal-orientated professionals. I'm sorry, that's a delusional outlook. If you're an unmotivated loser you're not absorbing knowledge or skills at school or at home. You remain a dullard.

Read Gladwell's Outliers book, you need reps or 10,000 hours of doing something to become good. Kids become good public speakers getting public speaking reps. Kids become great writers writing a lot. Kids become the next Mark Zuckerberg writing code in their teens. You get the idea. The only thing a kid like OP described is going to be good at is video games and ordering pizza with mom's credit card as that's what his 10,000 hours were spent doing.

You need 10K hours to be REALLY good, but the fact of the matter is that many people are not REALLY good at anything. Most people are just OK. If OP's kid graduates from a 4- year college, he's already ahead of the game in the grand scheme of things. The problem with people like OP is that they project their own insecurities onto their kids. The need for validation. The need for prestige. Sure, those things can be satisfying, but is it worth making your kid hate you for failing to love him as he is? There's a huge difference between motivating a kid and making him feel like a loser.

What in the world makes you assume OP's kid will go to college let alone finish a BA? The point of the Gladwell reference was people aren't "naturals" and late bloomers don't fall from the sky with all these God-given skills. OP's kid isn't "repping" or practicing for anything other than being a terminally unmotivated couch potato.

[Anonymous]

1. Take away the screens. Let him learn to entertain himself. Offer to pay for lessons in something to fill the time.

2. People can change a lot from who they are as teens - but only given the motivation. Right now he has everything he wants. No motivation.

3. He needs to learn the pleasure of hard work. Don't tell him to get a job. Stop his money sources and let him figure out the solution. If he can't get a job, you can pay him for mowing the lawn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some kids are obsessed with school and learning and ECs... some are obsessed with sports and hate school... some overachievers are obsessed with school and learning AND sports/ECs... and some are apathetic and into nothing but pissing their life away on the couch.

The glass is half full comments are acting like kids into nothing are actually closet geniuses who magically turn into motivated goal-orientated professionals. I'm sorry, that's a delusional outlook. If you're an unmotivated loser you're not absorbing knowledge or skills at school or at home. You remain a dullard.

Read Gladwell's Outliers book, you need reps or 10,000 hours of doing something to become good. Kids become good public speakers getting public speaking reps. Kids become great writers writing a lot. Kids become the next Mark Zuckerberg writing code in their teens. You get the idea. The only thing a kid like OP described is going to be good at is video games and ordering pizza with mom's credit card as that's what his 10,000 hours were spent doing.

You need 10K hours to be REALLY good, but the fact of the matter is that many people are not REALLY good at anything. Most people are just OK. If OP's kid graduates from a 4- year college, he's already ahead of the game in the grand scheme of things. The problem with people like OP is that they project their own insecurities onto their kids. The need for validation. The need for prestige. Sure, those things can be satisfying, but is it worth making your kid hate you for failing to love him as he is? There's a huge difference between motivating a kid and making him feel like a loser.

What in the world makes you assume OP's kid will go to college let alone finish a BA? The point of the Gladwell reference was people aren't "naturals" and late bloomers don't fall from the sky with all these God-given skills. OP's kid isn't "repping" or practicing for anything other than being a terminally unmotivated couch potato.

Hey, OP, if you don't like the perspectives given here, then why bother posting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some kids are obsessed with school and learning and ECs... some are obsessed with sports and hate school... some overachievers are obsessed with school and learning AND sports/ECs... and some are apathetic and into nothing but pissing their life away on the couch.

The glass is half full comments are acting like kids into nothing are actually closet geniuses who magically turn into motivated goal-orientated professionals. I'm sorry, that's a delusional outlook. If you're an unmotivated loser you're not absorbing knowledge or skills at school or at home. You remain a dullard.

Read Gladwell's Outliers book, you need reps or 10,000 hours of doing something to become good. Kids become good public speakers getting public speaking reps. Kids become great writers writing a lot. Kids become the next Mark Zuckerberg writing code in their teens. You get the idea. The only thing a kid like OP described is going to be good at is video games and ordering pizza with mom's credit card as that's what his 10,000 hours were spent doing.

You need 10K hours to be REALLY good, but the fact of the matter is that many people are not REALLY good at anything. Most people are just OK. If OP's kid graduates from a 4- year college, he's already ahead of the game in the grand scheme of things. The problem with people like OP is that they project their own insecurities onto their kids. The need for validation. The need for prestige. Sure, those things can be satisfying, but is it worth making your kid hate you for failing to love him as he is? There's a huge difference between motivating a kid and making him feel like a loser.

+1 I want my kids to be happy and able to support themselves and their families when they grow up. I want them to have jobs that are satisfying or at least don't suck the life out of them, and good, decent marriages, and good health. That's what I want for my kids.

I love them like crazy, and to me they are the most wonderful people on the planet. They're my kids, and I don't need any other scale by which to judge them.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you well-off? Does your kid have a trust fund?
Honest question. If you are, and they do, they'll be just fine. We have distant relatives like that and they are the dullest and the laziest human beings ever but they're middling along in their private school, have their sights set on a full-pay lower-tier college and will end up working for the family business if nothing drastic (like addiction) derails them.
So, if money isn't an issue, I wouldn't lose sleep over your teen's lack of motivation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some kids are obsessed with school and learning and ECs... some are obsessed with sports and hate school... some overachievers are obsessed with school and learning AND sports/ECs... and some are apathetic and into nothing but pissing their life away on the couch.

The glass is half full comments are acting like kids into nothing are actually closet geniuses who magically turn into motivated goal-orientated professionals. I'm sorry, that's a delusional outlook. If you're an unmotivated loser you're not absorbing knowledge or skills at school or at home. You remain a dullard.

Read Gladwell's Outliers book, you need reps or 10,000 hours of doing something to become good. Kids become good public speakers getting public speaking reps. Kids become great writers writing a lot. Kids become the next Mark Zuckerberg writing code in their teens. You get the idea. The only thing a kid like OP described is going to be good at is video games and ordering pizza with mom's credit card as that's what his 10,000 hours were spent doing.

This parent is why so many kids have anxiety.

Either you are and outlier or a loser... geez, wtf.

+10000