Coming to terms with your teen being unmotivated and unimpressive?

[Anonymous]

I think most people are unimpressive, meaning completely average. It’s hard to acknowledge that your kids are unimpressive, especially when we’ve spent 18-22 years putting time, money, energy in attempt to give them more than we had. It can be hard pill to swallow, and most people do not talk about it. Raising a perfectly average kid is one thing, and raising an actual disappointment is another. I’ll shoot for average. The world needs insurance salesmen too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is not a straight line. And productivity isn’t the only measure of a person’s worth. You need to chill waaaay TF out.

+1. Big time. You don’t need to have a late teen/young adult “evaluated” and drugged upped because they’re not satisfying your bougie dream of being a dutiful accountant. Jimi Hendrix joined the army at 19 in lieu of going to jail and was kicked out for excessive masturbating and being lazy in less than a year. Larry David drove a taxi well into adulthood. Outside the arts, millions of business owners and entrepreneurs don’t find their stride until middle age... and these days that comes much later than it used to.

We all get precisely one life. With one family. Love the kid you’ve got for what he is, on his own terms. It’s not a GD footrace.

[Anonymous]

One of my recent parenting hacks is playing Madden with my
most challenging kid. Taking an interest in their activities really helps kids.

I don’t think my oldest will go to an impressive college but he impresses me in other ways.

[Anonymous]

OP, my teenager has low muscle tone. I get very frustrated with what seems like lazy behavior, but I have to remind myself that there are some physical issues there. Right now I'm considering putting some money into a personal trainer to get him off his @ss.

[Anonymous]

You will come to terms with it by letting go of your one dimensional measure of worth. You will come to realize how blind you’ve been to the gifts that are uniquely your son’s which have been there all along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why assuming no issues? My teen has severe ADHD and associated learning disabilities. His schooling is decent, but not impressive, and left to himself, he'd be playing video games all day, because ADHD and addictive personalities go hand in hand. He needs A LOT of supervision, and will need a lot of supervision in college as well. Despite what idiots say on DCUM about letting their kids fail at a certain age, my son is part of a population that needs an extra decade in order to be a responsible, productive, adult. I know, because my husband and myself were like this too, and we are grateful our parents steered us in the right direction for longer than average.

You might want to double check whether yours has ADHD.

He’s on Adderall. It helps to a point but he’s at the age where he doesn’t take it if he doesn’t feel like it. And it’s not like I can make him take it if he goes off to college or whatever is the next chapter. Even when he’s on it, it’s not a magic pill that guarantees productivity. He can take it and go play video games. He can take it and fall asleep if he’s bored. He just doesn’t give a damn about anything. He’s addicted to all things sports. He basically worships athletes and video games. Yet in real life I’ve never seen him put forth effort and display competiveness. He plays a no-cut sport and he’s terrible because he’s so lazy he won’t practice in his free time to get better. It makes no sense that he worships competitive athletes on tv yet sits on his butt all day.

He doesn’t care about this sport and you can’t make him. Do you really not understand the difference between being an athlete and being a sports fan??

We don’t make him play the sport. I think he likes the social aspect of it and the status of being on a team. But effort to get better outside of normal team practices? Literally zero. He won’t even jog to get in shape leading up to the season.

As no, I nor my husband get worshiping hypercompetitive collegiate and pro athletes while personally being so lazy and lacking any competitive bone in your body. Most of the men I know into sports were at least competitive athletes in their youth, and many still are in golf, tennis, basketball, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why assuming no issues? My teen has severe ADHD and associated learning disabilities. His schooling is decent, but not impressive, and left to himself, he'd be playing video games all day, because ADHD and addictive personalities go hand in hand. He needs A LOT of supervision, and will need a lot of supervision in college as well. Despite what idiots say on DCUM about letting their kids fail at a certain age, my son is part of a population that needs an extra decade in order to be a responsible, productive, adult. I know, because my husband and myself were like this too, and we are grateful our parents steered us in the right direction for longer than average.

You might want to double check whether yours has ADHD.

He’s on Adderall. It helps to a point but he’s at the age where he doesn’t take it if he doesn’t feel like it. And it’s not like I can make him take it if he goes off to college or whatever is the next chapter. Even when he’s on it, it’s not a magic pill that guarantees productivity. He can take it and go play video games. He can take it and fall asleep if he’s bored. He just doesn’t give a damn about anything. He’s addicted to all things sports. He basically worships athletes and video games. Yet in real life I’ve never seen him put forth effort and display competiveness. He plays a no-cut sport and he’s terrible because he’s so lazy he won’t practice in his free time to get better. It makes no sense that he worships competitive athletes on tv yet sits on his butt all day.

He doesn’t care about this sport and you can’t make him. Do you really not understand the difference between being an athlete and being a sports fan??

We don’t make him play the sport. I think he likes the social aspect of it and the status of being on a team. But effort to get better outside of normal team practices? Literally zero. He won’t even jog to get in shape leading up to the season.

As no, I nor my husband get worshiping hypercompetitive collegiate and pro athletes while personally being so lazy and lacking any competitive bone in your body. Most of the men I know into sports were at least competitive athletes in their youth, and many still are in golf, tennis, basketball, etc.

This part seems extremely weird, OP. 90% of the adult men I know are extremely into sports, and the majority played rec sports casually, if at all. There is no reason to diss a kid’s love for sports. It has nothing to do with a fan’s talent.

[Anonymous]

I think he sounds like a great kid, and you sound like you need some therapy around your own depression and expectations. I say that with all the love in the world. You’re thinking such critical, mean thoughts about him, and probably about yourself. You both deserve support!

[Anonymous]

Maybe he's happy. Maybe he's the only kid around not suffering from anxiety. Isn't that worth anything?

[Anonymous]

Cut tv time. Number one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most people are unimpressive, meaning completely average. It’s hard to acknowledge that your kids are unimpressive, especially when we’ve spent 18-22 years putting time, money, energy in attempt to give them more than we had. It can be hard pill to swallow, and most people do not talk about it. Raising a perfectly average kid is one thing, and raising an actual disappointment is another. I’ll shoot for average. The world needs insurance salesmen too.

I’ve been an insurance saleswoman for 23 years and it’s a great job. 9-5, M-F. Granted DH is the breadwinner (I’m not a troll).

[Anonymous]

Is he on track to graduate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why assuming no issues? My teen has severe ADHD and associated learning disabilities. His schooling is decent, but not impressive, and left to himself, he'd be playing video games all day, because ADHD and addictive personalities go hand in hand. He needs A LOT of supervision, and will need a lot of supervision in college as well. Despite what idiots say on DCUM about letting their kids fail at a certain age, my son is part of a population that needs an extra decade in order to be a responsible, productive, adult. I know, because my husband and myself were like this too, and we are grateful our parents steered us in the right direction for longer than average.

You might want to double check whether yours has ADHD.

He’s on Adderall. It helps to a point but he’s at the age where he doesn’t take it if he doesn’t feel like it. And it’s not like I can make him take it if he goes off to college or whatever is the next chapter. Even when he’s on it, it’s not a magic pill that guarantees productivity. He can take it and go play video games. He can take it and fall asleep if he’s bored. He just doesn’t give a damn about anything. He’s addicted to all things sports. He basically worships athletes and video games. Yet in real life I’ve never seen him put forth effort and display competiveness. He plays a no-cut sport and he’s terrible because he’s so lazy he won’t practice in his free time to get better. It makes no sense that he worships competitive athletes on tv yet sits on his butt all day.

He might need the dose adjusted - either up or down. Added all can cause anxiety making it harder to do things out of anxiety.

And you are right Adderall doesn’t bring motivation but it should bring focus so that a pertain can use tools that increase their ability in executive function areas but they still have to be taught those skills and supported. You can hire a tutor to work with your child on this. It may take a while and you will have to supervise and assist.

[Anonymous]

We live in an area where everyone claims to have it all figured out and they have nothing going on like this. their kids are perfect, their marriage is perfect but peel back the onion and you will find a real post like this.

Not everyone is perfect, not everyone needs to be perfect and not everyone wants to be perfect. The expectations of this area are out of control and I grew up here as well and I wish we moved away long ago but we decided that it is ok to be the B student or even the C student and stayed.

We have the ADHD kid who withdrew, got addicted to substances and has been in and out of treatment and I wouldn't trade that kid for a 4.0 1600 36 act kid who goes to Stanford for free. What they have learned, the people they have met the grit they have is unmatched and now that they are continuing in their recovery I am happy for them, they took a different path and that is ok. It wasn't always something I approved of but thank God they weren't hurt like many others are but at this time, things are going well and once we lifted the burden of other's expectations things really started to click for our entire family.

I am not saying your child is going down the same path but perhaps a different one than you envisioned and that is ok. Don't worry what your friends kid is doing, yes, it is difficult and it was really difficult at times but our parent support group helped us, if your kid needs therapy embrace it, join a parent support group with people who are going through the same thing not listening to your neighbors and friends who pretend to have the perfect life.

The frustration people have is because you are trying to live up to the standards of others who judge you. we all tell our kids to end their toxic relationships yet so many of us have them ourselves and don't end them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he’s just average? That’s OK, you know. Is he happy? Does he have friends?

+1. My teen DS plays more videogames than I'd like but I've learned that it's how he and his friends like to socialize. He's not at all competitive, doesn't like to join school teams/ clubs, but does well in class and, most importantly, he's kind and has good friends. He won't go to a college that DCUM finds impressive but I'm confident he'll find his way in life and be happy.