Coming to terms with your teen being unmotivated and unimpressive?

[Anonymous]

Dying laughing that people think that only two options exist in life:
1-Be a brilliant surgeon
2-Be a homeless, drug addict deadbeat

Most of you are neither so your posts are odd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dying laughing that people think that only two options exist in life:
1-Be a brilliant surgeon
2-Be a homeless, drug addict deadbeat

Most of you are neither so your posts are odd

Love this! Great post!

[Anonymous]

This could be my son in a few years. He’s only 13 but I’ve already made it clear that HS and college are up to him - but he can’t live with me without a GED or diploma and he has to be working or in school. If he cannot develop motivation or executive functioning his life will be hard because unlike his father (who’s exactly the same and presently 41 and unemployed) he will NOT have a trust fund to fall back on. Love is unconditional but resources are not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This could be my son in a few years. He’s only 13 but I’ve already made it clear that HS and college are up to him - but he can’t live with me without a GED or diploma and he has to be working or in school. If he cannot develop motivation or executive functioning his life will be hard because unlike his father (who’s exactly the same and presently 41 and unemployed) he will NOT have a trust fund to fall back on. Love is unconditional but resources are not!

Traditional 4-year bachelors isn’t the only option though. He can have a nice middle-class (but not rich) living doing a trade, and there are computer related trades that aren’t physical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This could be my son in a few years. He’s only 13 but I’ve already made it clear that HS and college are up to him - but he can’t live with me without a GED or diploma and he has to be working or in school. If he cannot develop motivation or executive functioning his life will be hard because unlike his father (who’s exactly the same and presently 41 and unemployed) he will NOT have a trust fund to fall back on. Love is unconditional but resources are not!

Traditional 4-year bachelors isn’t the only option though. He can have a nice middle-class (but not rich) living doing a trade, and there are computer related trades that aren’t physical.

PP here and I agree and would be fine with that! But ultimately it’ll be on him to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Let’s just say you were talking to your great-grandmother about him.

She would not care what sport he plays. She would care about his character, his intelligence, his faith, his kindness. Work on these and the rest will fall into place. Also work on them for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is bizarre. His options are not Mark Zuckerberg or homeless drug addict. I guarantee your teens are not as “talented” at their “passions” at 16 as you think they are. I seriously did not know people tied a kid’s high school involvement to their middle age income!

And I’m guessing OP is talking about cross country.In that case, even though it’s no cut my kid learned great lessons and got fit and deeply enjoyed ms, hs, and d3 xc.

Not necessarily. It could be a freshman or JV sport or a local league the parents pay for, ex. soccer, basketball, lacrosse.

[Anonymous]

Some people are just lazy. They drop out, never work and slack off the rest of their lives. I have a family full of these people. I don't think you can make someone change. You can however not enable them. Don't pay for a car or phone. Make them earn the money. In regards to school you can't do much. You can't study or take the tests for him.

Sad but true. It's delusional to think all or even most boys like OP describes turn out fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Some people are just lazy. They drop out, never work and slack off the rest of their lives. I have a family full of these people. I don't think you can make someone change. You can however not enable them. Don't pay for a car or phone. Make them earn the money. In regards to school you can't do much. You can't study or take the tests for him.

Sad but true. It's delusional to think all or even most boys like OP describes turn out fine.

No it isn’t “delusional” to think that OP’s child will make a living someday.

[Anonymous]

Surprised by all the people saying community college or a trade.

That's just not good enough for me and I'm not afraid to be honest about that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think he sounds like a great kid, and you sound like you need some therapy around your own depression and expectations. I say that with all the love in the world. You’re thinking such critical, mean thoughts about him, and probably about yourself. You both deserve support!

Great? How does such a teen ever earn a living? My cousin was like this in his teens — he’s now an affable 37 year old... college dropout who has never had a real job and lives off his parents.

I know a ton of kids like this... so what do they do now 30 years later...

Builds houses retired at 50
paints cars make $100k/year
computer programmer, $100K/year
drives a taxi, $70K/year
Project Manager, IT, $140K/year
fixes cars, $80K/year
Works for a window replacement company, $80K/year
make/hangs signs (like signs by tomorrow), $80K/year
teacher, $90K/year
landscaping/removes trees, has 3 crews, $150K/year
builds furniture, $100K/year
replaces floors and cabinets in apartments $500K/year

I could go on forever, you need to get out of your bubble.

I appreciate your point, but it's unrealistic to think that most average kids will make so much above the average median income. The solution to OP's dilemma is not to assume that somehow her kid will magically end up making a ton of money. Of course that happens, but it shouldn't be the expected trajectory. And that's ok.

It is not unrealistic that OP's kids will make average or above average salary. He is a teen and he likes video game and sports. That is actually normal and OP sounds horrible . It's not magic, he isn't doing anything wrong. He is on the right path, it's just not the path OP imagined.

Average is much closer to 50k than the 100k plus examples

+1 People are being EXTREMELY unrealistic in here.

The kid is lazy and unmotivated. But somehow he's going to magically change in his twenties and start a business, thus earning over half a million a year?

No. That's MOST LIKELY NOT going to happen. That's ok. A kid like him, he'll be lucky if he makes 50k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he sounds like a great kid, and you sound like you need some therapy around your own depression and expectations. I say that with all the love in the world. You’re thinking such critical, mean thoughts about him, and probably about yourself. You both deserve support!

Great? How does such a teen ever earn a living? My cousin was like this in his teens — he’s now an affable 37 year old... college dropout who has never had a real job and lives off his parents.

I know a ton of kids like this... so what do they do now 30 years later...

Builds houses retired at 50
paints cars make $100k/year
computer programmer, $100K/year
drives a taxi, $70K/year
Project Manager, IT, $140K/year
fixes cars, $80K/year
Works for a window replacement company, $80K/year
make/hangs signs (like signs by tomorrow), $80K/year
teacher, $90K/year
landscaping/removes trees, has 3 crews, $150K/year
builds furniture, $100K/year
replaces floors and cabinets in apartments $500K/year

I could go on forever, you need to get out of your bubble.

DP. Out of curiosity, how do you know the salaries?

Those salaries are not realistic. Taxi drivers don't make 70k, they have been undercut by uber.
Window replacement and sign hangers don't make 80k, they make 40-50k.
There are plenty of men hanging out in their parents' basements not making anything and playing video games. The guys I know who make 100K in blue collar jobs weren't that good of students in high school but most of them were really good athletes and were used to working hard. Several excelled in auto shop or woodshop and some had relatives who were in the trades and got them Union apprenticeships.

That's the thing, you have to work REALLY freaking hard and bust your hump to make that kind of money in a trade. It's a lot of physical labor and often ruins your body. That's why people haven't wanted to do it for so long.

It's not work for lazy, unmotivated types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he sounds like a great kid, and you sound like you need some therapy around your own depression and expectations. I say that with all the love in the world. You’re thinking such critical, mean thoughts about him, and probably about yourself. You both deserve support!

Great? How does such a teen ever earn a living? My cousin was like this in his teens — he’s now an affable 37 year old... college dropout who has never had a real job and lives off his parents.

I know a ton of kids like this... so what do they do now 30 years later...

Builds houses retired at 50
paints cars make $100k/year
computer programmer, $100K/year
drives a taxi, $70K/year
Project Manager, IT, $140K/year
fixes cars, $80K/year
Works for a window replacement company, $80K/year
make/hangs signs (like signs by tomorrow), $80K/year
teacher, $90K/year
landscaping/removes trees, has 3 crews, $150K/year
builds furniture, $100K/year
replaces floors and cabinets in apartments $500K/year

I could go on forever, you need to get out of your bubble.

DP. Out of curiosity, how do you know the salaries?

Those salaries are not realistic. Taxi drivers don't make 70k, they have been undercut by uber.
Window replacement and sign hangers don't make 80k, they make 40-50k.
There are plenty of men hanging out in their parents' basements not making anything and playing video games. The guys I know who make 100K in blue collar jobs weren't that good of students in high school but most of them were really good athletes and were used to working hard. Several excelled in auto shop or woodshop and some had relatives who were in the trades and got them Union apprenticeships.

That's the thing, you have to work REALLY freaking hard and bust your hump to make that kind of money in a trade. It's a lot of physical labor and often ruins your body. That's why people haven't wanted to do it for so long.

It's not work for lazy, unmotivated types.

+ 1

I always laugh when people suggest trades for kids like this. It's really hard, often backbreaking work! That's why people tend not to want to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by all the people saying community college or a trade.

That's just not good enough for me and I'm not afraid to be honest about that.

For you? Be honest about it all you want. Prod and pressure him all you want. He’ll be over 18 at at that point. But you probably won’t be able to make him want what you want, and if you want him to ever be able to support himself someday independently you’re going to have to change your expectations. I’m guessing you view your kid as a trophy to be shown to your coworkers and neighbors. Try to think about what’s best for the individual kid rather than status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Maybe he’s just average? That’s OK, you know. Is he happy? Does he have friends?

+1. My teen DS plays more videogames than I'd like but I've learned that it's how he and his friends like to socialize. He's not at all competitive, doesn't like to join school teams/ clubs, but does well in class and, most importantly, he's kind and has good friends. He won't go to a college that DCUM finds impressive but I'm confident he'll find his way in life and be happy.

On DCUM a child is “average” because they “only” got a 1300 on the SAT or got a couple more Bs than As or only made district titles rather than state!

Grades are no longer a measure of success. ACT/SAT scores and college readiness rates are sliding, yet 50% of all 12th graders in the US have an A average GPA. Teens are several grade levels behind while maintaining As and Bs.

Do not look at your painfully unmotivated lazy child and pretend everything is ok because they have decent grades — EVERYONE has decent grades now. Nearly half the kids who begin college fail or drop out because they’re so many grade levels behind and have no discipline and no study skills.

NO EVERYONE does not have decent grades. I hate that DCUM perpetuates this lie. Plenty of kids in MCPS still struggle, and are "unimpressive". It's a very tough area to be average.

In 2019 my niece graduated from a half-decent public school district with a 3.33 GPA. Her parents bragged she was an As and Bs student who never had to study. She then decided to take classes at the local two-year community college, which required placement tests. She tested into remedial courses that were on par with 7th grade level material.

Grades are meaningless – especially non-honors and non-AP courses. And really, AP grades mean nothing if the kid can't earn at least a 3 on the AP Exam. Many kids take AP courses, get inflated grades, then totally skip or bomb the exams.

Oh shit.

That must have been a shock to them! I can't even imagine how humiliating that would be to find out. Damn.