We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not tell your kids about his affair. My Mom told me about my Dad's affair (happened when I was 6-ish, I found out when I was 13-14). They stayed together, but it f-ed up my relationship to men. Changed how I dated and my ability to become truly intimate (not sexual) with a man. Took me YEARS of therapy to get over it.

DH is a horrible husband. Your kids do not need to know that-ever. They need to know he is a great Dad and will always be a great Dad.

Not at 6, but she had a right to tell you as a teenager. Kids should know why their family busted up- and really, sometimes someone is to blame. Instead, they will wonder their whole lives why a marriage just cannot work, when really, there are reasons marriages fail. Like this.

"Dad had an affair with someone at the off=fice,in the neighborhood, at the pool, WHATEVER and I had too much respect for myself to let this continue in my life. I deserved more than that, and I hope you wil realize that when you are older and ready to commit to a guy...you deserve more."

You do not have to denigrate him any further, and you do not need to remove him socially from their lives, but but hiding the truth is stupid.

Yes. At some age, they deserve an explanation and to know that Mom or Dad was a cheater, that it just "didn't work out." Don't like the shame you will face from your kids for oh, the rest of their lives? Too bad. Should have kept your dick in your pants

I can't tell you how many times I've seen that type of info fuck up kids lives. That makes the hurt spouse feel better. It NEVER makes the kids feel better. Best to just leave it at we realized we were better parents apart from each other than we were together because we made each other unhappy. We did what we thought was best.

Mnay times you have seen this fuck up kids' lives? Really? You mean it wasn't the divorce and subsequent lying that might have done that?


"Yeah, we were better parents apart because that way I REALIZED ( love your wording) screw my coworker."

Ahemmm.. they did not make each other unhappy. HE made her unhappy. She does not want this divorce.

"We did what we thought was best." ARE YOU FOR REAL?

You are delusional if you think this kind of bullshit goes over well with kids. Delusional. I'm guessing you are the screw-er of others, while your ex is the just plain screwed.

Nope- lying to your kids, your OLDER kids, is just plain wrong, and might I say, very, very transparent as far as your reason is for this approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. 2104, you are right that my desire to tell her husband is totally not coming from a good place. It is that immature baby in me that wants her to get her due. But I don't want to focus on that. I want to focus on being a freaking Khaleesi warrior rock of stability for my babies.

So what? If i were the DH in this case, i dont care where your heart was, i'd want to know if my wife were a cheating whore. My wife running around sopening her legs for her boss? Absolutely, id want to know. I don't like being made a fool out of and don't want some dirt bags sloppy seconds.

What makes you think he doesn't know? They're in counseling, it's entirely possible he knows but for all intents and purposes the affair is over and she is working on her marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Forgot to mention they could get fired over this. My husband is her manager. And NO I will NOT report them for it... Getting my husband fired will hurt my kids. No job means no money, and right now we have equal salaries so I do NOT want to end up in a position where I'm paying HIM or he can't carry his load with the kids and saving for their futures.

Oh my goodness. Do not tell the APS DH if this is the case. Because what if he goes ballistic and tells HR? Then your STBX is going to get fired.

Get a counselor and talk to them before you talk to the kids. You are better off being alone than with a jerk like that guy. You need to get to the point that you feel that way and I found a counselor helpful.

And lemme tell you, the AP will suffer because she is already a morally corrupt, insecure cheater. Life will catch up to her. Stay on that high road lady. Its a long walk but so worth it in the long run.

And I second the chumplady.Com auggestion. It really helped me.

Hugs to you, Khaleesi.

[Anonymous]

My dad left on Thanksgiving when I was 5. I have no memory of it because my mom took us to our grandparents like always. Divorce can be a good thing sometimes. It was the best thing my mom ever did for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are good reasons not to tell, including keeping away from the drama, focusing on yourself the kids, coparenting. And the job issue.

But I also think there is a reason to tell and that is that once the affair is no longer secret on anyone's part, and is out in the cold, cruel light of the day, and the consequences start to rack up, well often that is when the affair glow wears off. If OP has any interest in potentially salvaging her marriage, the affair needs to stop first, which it clearly hasn't. There is no guarantee that telling will stop it, but if the OW is lying to her husband and still seeing OP's spouse, they are still living in fantasy life. real life is much harder on affairs. If OP has no intention of EVER salvaging her marriage, then telling is probably not in her interest.

OP, check out surviving infidelity. you might get some pointers there. In the meantime, I wish you the best possible in this terrible situation.

Op, this exactly!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are good reasons not to tell, including keeping away from the drama, focusing on yourself the kids, coparenting. And the job issue.

But I also think there is a reason to tell and that is that once the affair is no longer secret on anyone's part, and is out in the cold, cruel light of the day, and the consequences start to rack up, well often that is when the affair glow wears off. If OP has any interest in potentially salvaging her marriage, the affair needs to stop first, which it clearly hasn't. There is no guarantee that telling will stop it, but if the OW is lying to her husband and still seeing OP's spouse, they are still living in fantasy life. real life is much harder on affairs. If OP has no intention of EVER salvaging her marriage, then telling is probably not in her interest.

OP, check out surviving infidelity. you might get some pointers there. In the meantime, I wish you the best possible in this terrible situation.

Op, this exactly!!!

Yes, this.

My sister was in this situation - down to the working together. She decided not to contact the other spouse because it would come out at work, and she said her DH would never forgive her. I told her, it's either exposure or divorce. She thought they were reconciling, so she didn't tell. She was wrong. Eventually the other spouse called her. I think he was appalled that she hadn't let him know. The two of them together could have exerted more pressure, and they both might have had a chance to save their marriages. It didn't work out that way.

She would do things differently if she could do it over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are good reasons not to tell, including keeping away from the drama, focusing on yourself the kids, coparenting. And the job issue.

But I also think there is a reason to tell and that is that once the affair is no longer secret on anyone's part, and is out in the cold, cruel light of the day, and the consequences start to rack up, well often that is when the affair glow wears off. If OP has any interest in potentially salvaging her marriage, the affair needs to stop first, which it clearly hasn't. There is no guarantee that telling will stop it, but if the OW is lying to her husband and still seeing OP's spouse, they are still living in fantasy life. real life is much harder on affairs. If OP has no intention of EVER salvaging her marriage, then telling is probably not in her interest.

OP, check out surviving infidelity. you might get some pointers there. In the meantime, I wish you the best possible in this terrible situation.

Op, this exactly!!!

Yes, this.

My sister was in this situation - down to the working together. She decided not to contact the other spouse because it would come out at work, and she said her DH would never forgive her. I told her, it's either exposure or divorce. She thought they were reconciling, so she didn't tell. She was wrong. Eventually the other spouse called her. I think he was appalled that she hadn't let him know. The two of them together could have exerted more pressure, and they both might have had a chance to save their marriages. It didn't work out that way.

She would do things differently if she could do it over.

You can't force someone who doesn't want to be married to you to stay happily married to you. Exerting pressure to make someone stay in a marriage is pointless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are good reasons not to tell, including keeping away from the drama, focusing on yourself the kids, coparenting. And the job issue.

But I also think there is a reason to tell and that is that once the affair is no longer secret on anyone's part, and is out in the cold, cruel light of the day, and the consequences start to rack up, well often that is when the affair glow wears off. If OP has any interest in potentially salvaging her marriage, the affair needs to stop first, which it clearly hasn't. There is no guarantee that telling will stop it, but if the OW is lying to her husband and still seeing OP's spouse, they are still living in fantasy life. real life is much harder on affairs. If OP has no intention of EVER salvaging her marriage, then telling is probably not in her interest.

OP, check out surviving infidelity. you might get some pointers there. In the meantime, I wish you the best possible in this terrible situation.

Op, this exactly!!!

Why this? If OP tells the husband and what happens is what you predict - that the affair is out in the open, no longer fun and sexy, and falls apart- and the DH decides to stay with OP, she will forever know he's only with her because he basically settled when he couldn't be with his AP. Why would anyone want that? I sympathize that she is getting a divorce she doesn't want and that blows. I really do feel for her. But if you have to basically hamstring someone into being married to you, you don't have a marriage worth having. If he's willing to divorce her because he feels this way about someone else, she doesn't magically have an intact, healthy marriage just because the other person is suddenly unavailable. The marriage is already dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:dont do what my parents did. they dropped the bomb as soon as my mom found out my dad was cheating. he essentially left the house and moved in with the other woman. meanwhile, mom became horrendously depressed and supremely bitter and even to this day, 30 years later, badmouths my father and how much he screwed her over. It made it so terrible for us kids--like, if we loved our father, we were damaging and further hurting our mother. and no one was there for us. Totally effed up my brother, who was afraid to be anything like his father and married a crazy woman who walks all over him. And made me very, very scared of intimacy, with a string of eating disorders, and messed up relationships. I am now finally married, more or less happily, and can't imagine doing to my kids what my parents did, knowing how it would affect them.

I'm PP @13:34, and yes, this is exactly the way it played out in my case (to the point that I wonder if you are my sibling), down to the impacts on my siblings and I. One sibling was so damaged (and also probably on the spectrum) that they've never been able to have a long term romantic relationship with anyone. The other sibling and I are both on 2nd marriages, having chosen toxic/damaged partners (much like our parents) the first time. In mid-life, after lots of therapy and two failed marriages, we are both finally in stable, loving, non-toxic marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. 2104, you are right that my desire to tell her husband is totally not coming from a good place. It is that immature baby in me that wants her to get her due. But I don't want to focus on that. I want to focus on being a freaking Khaleesi warrior rock of stability for my babies.

PP @13:34 again...

You are getting in the right place here.

Trust me, you hold your head up and act with dignity and composure, your kids will see clearly and respect who the reliable, secure and stable parent is, and who flaked/checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dont do what my parents did. they dropped the bomb as soon as my mom found out my dad was cheating. he essentially left the house and moved in with the other woman. meanwhile, mom became horrendously depressed and supremely bitter and even to this day, 30 years later, badmouths my father and how much he screwed her over. It made it so terrible for us kids--like, if we loved our father, we were damaging and further hurting our mother. and no one was there for us. Totally effed up my brother, who was afraid to be anything like his father and married a crazy woman who walks all over him. And made me very, very scared of intimacy, with a string of eating disorders, and messed up relationships. I am now finally married, more or less happily, and can't imagine doing to my kids what my parents did, knowing how it would affect them.

I'm PP @13:34, and yes, this is exactly the way it played out in my case (to the point that I wonder if you are my sibling), down to the impacts on my siblings and I. One sibling was so damaged (and also probably on the spectrum) that they've never been able to have a long term romantic relationship with anyone. The other sibling and I are both on 2nd marriages, having chosen toxic/damaged partners (much like our parents) the first time. In mid-life, after lots of therapy and two failed marriages, we are both finally in stable, loving, non-toxic marriages.

This is how my mom is also. OP, think about your kids and your own well being. Will you or your kids benefit from telling the husband? No. It will just be more fuel to a fire that will continue to burn as long as you let it. (Moreover, in this instance, it may leave your kids without his income). Instead, start now on trying to move on. Forget about him, other than to the extent that he is the father of your kids. If you had no kids, it would be obvious that you should cut off your ties and take a break. With kids, it is more complicated, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to move on.

[Anonymous]

Why this? If OP tells the husband and what happens is what you predict - that the affair is out in the open, no longer fun and sexy, and falls apart- and the DH decides to stay with OP, she will forever know he's only with her because he basically settled when he couldn't be with his AP. Why would anyone want that? I sympathize that she is getting a divorce she doesn't want and that blows. I really do feel for her. But if you have to basically hamstring someone into being married to you, you don't have a marriage worth having. If he's willing to divorce her because he feels this way about someone else, she doesn't magically have an intact, healthy marriage just because the other person is suddenly unavailable. The marriage is already dead.

OP here. Exactly. If he wants her, he should go and get her. Really. It hurts like a thousand knives stabbing my heart, but I don't want a man that behaves this way. It sucks that we've become a cliche. It sucks that he is so messed up that he's ok with doing this to our family. But now that I see that this is what he is capable of, I don't want any part of it.

Should he see the err of his ways and come begging for forgiveness, I would consider going to therapy with him to see if there is anything to salvage. But I'm not chasing him.
I'm so dreading this weekend. Seeing my kids faces . . . seeing them even today and knowing that they have just hours left before their entire world explodes. It kills me. It makes me so angry at him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why this? If OP tells the husband and what happens is what you predict - that the affair is out in the open, no longer fun and sexy, and falls apart- and the DH decides to stay with OP, she will forever know he's only with her because he basically settled when he couldn't be with his AP. Why would anyone want that? I sympathize that she is getting a divorce she doesn't want and that blows. I really do feel for her. But if you have to basically hamstring someone into being married to you, you don't have a marriage worth having. If he's willing to divorce her because he feels this way about someone else, she doesn't magically have an intact, healthy marriage just because the other person is suddenly unavailable. The marriage is already dead.

OP here. Exactly. If he wants her, he should go and get her. Really. It hurts like a thousand knives stabbing my heart, but I don't want a man that behaves this way. It sucks that we've become a cliche. It sucks that he is so messed up that he's ok with doing this to our family. But now that I see that this is what he is capable of, I don't want any part of it.

Should he see the err of his ways and come begging for forgiveness, I would consider going to therapy with him to see if there is anything to salvage. But I'm not chasing him.
I'm so dreading this weekend. Seeing my kids faces . . . seeing them even today and knowing that they have just hours left before their entire world explodes. It kills me. It makes me so angry at him.

I'm the PP who wrote that and I think you have the right idea. You can really do better than forcing a man to stay with you. I'm glad you recognize it. I'm sorry you have to go through this this weekend with your kids. Probably one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Just focus on being health for yourself and for them... and let the chips fall where they may for your husband and the other woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before you call the other husband please really dig deep within and find out what your motivation is. Be honest. Is there any part of you that is saying "f you" to the other woman? Is this about vengeance or out of concern for the other DH? "He has a right to know" isn't satisfactory. He obviously knows about the affair. Your marriage is none of his business and vice versa. Telling him may only cause more drama and if that woman and your DH get together permanently, she will be caring for your children. Think about it.
As for the kids, the PP had great advice. Be specific about how their lives will change. Make sure you have made as many of those decisions as possible before you talk to them.

This is great advice.

[Anonymous]

Why this? If OP tells the husband and what happens is what you predict - that the affair is out in the open, no longer fun and sexy, and falls apart- and the DH decides to stay with OP, she will forever know he's only with her because he basically settled when he couldn't be with his AP. Why would anyone want that? I sympathize that she is getting a divorce she doesn't want and that blows. I really do feel for her. But if you have to basically hamstring someone into being married to you, you don't have a marriage worth having. If he's willing to divorce her because he feels this way about someone else, she doesn't magically have an intact, healthy marriage just because the other person is suddenly unavailable. The marriage is already dead

I disagree. There are good reasons not to tell, but there are also reasons to tell. Telling the OWs spouse is less likely to make them stick together. not more. Exposure generally ruins affairs, but does bring to light the cracks in marriages. If the OW's spouse does not know about the affair, then the secrecy remains, the fog fuels the sense that they are in love, they remain working together and the affair continues, and OP's spouse remains in the fog, allowing him to think that his wife is the culprit for his unhappiness and his AP is the answer to all his problems. When reality hits, people are more likely to have to start to own their shit, including damage done to their families and spouses. Some will forever refuse to take responsibility even after being outed.

now, why should OP do something that might help end what is an ongoing affair? She has no decision making power now, and she needs to have some. But also, divorce is horrendous on children. THis does not mean that OP shoudl sacrifice and stay for the kids with a cheating asshole. But, I do think that in this case, with young kids, fighting for a marriage and family is worth a shot, because of the damage to them. I have seen people leave their spouses over affairs, horrible divorce, kids are a mess the affairs never work out and no one is happier down the road and the wayward spouse regrets the whole thing. What if something happened that made it harder to continue the affair, that made it uglier to divorce, that made it more important to look inside at one 's internal damage and figure out the causes of one's hurtful and selfish behavior? What if that lead, ultimately, to a better marriage and family? Its unfortunately not always going to happen and its unfair that the betrayed spouse gets dragged down through no fault of her own, but she needs to weigh her options and she is closing one of her options by not telling.

This is not a move to make because OP wants to force a man to stay with her who would rather be with someone else. Telling the other spouse does not mean that OP wants to, or should, reconcile. SHe needs to be ready to dump him, but on her terms, not his. Even if he came back eventually, and worked hard at the marriage and accepted all responsiblity, it does not mean she has to take him back. But she should have that chance. It means that the people having the affair have to own up to their actions, at some point. If in fact the spouse and the OW do end up together, then why would OP want that anyway? more likely, it will all end, and if he comes crawling back, well then OP can make a decision about how her life goes. But right now, the affair partners are holding the power and that is not cool. I also just think it is not cool to not let the OW's spouse know. I suspect he does not know because the OW still works for the man with whom she is having an affair. If he knew and they were truly working on their marriage, she would leave the job. I know that if my spouse were cheating on me, I would like to know, particularly if I am in the midst of marital counseling but my spouse conveniently does not tell me the thing that is blowing up our marriage. You can't fix something if you dont know the truth. Now, if the spouse already knows, then she hasn't made anything worse. But if he doesn't, then I guarantee you its because she's still having an affair and frankly, I dont think anyone should be ending a marriage while in the midst of affair fog. Ending a marriage may be the natural consequence, but OP should feel entitlted to take some control over the situation and if this gives her some control, so be it.

Final note (and then off my soapbox): people at work already know. these things never ever stay secret. Someone is going to get fired regardless, so I kind of think that its better that she tells the OW's spouse, and someone leaves their job while they can still find another one more easily.

Regardless of whether OP tells or not, she should read chump lady and do the 180.