We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yeah . . . the more I think about it, the more certain I am that I am not going to say or do anything to the other woman or her husband.

My problem is with my soon-to-be ex husband. He's not the man I married. I believe he is clinically depressed, as do most of the people in our lives. The absolute ONLY thing I can control right now is how this impacts the children. And that is where I'm focusing my energy.

Knowing my husband, I expect he's going to be very lonely, sad, and alone. Unless the OW joins him, and I know that is a real possibility, he's going to be miserable.

On the other hand, I have a strong network of friends and family that will help me through this. whatever it is that is happening is something that has to happen. All I care about right now are my babies. And boy, are they gonna need it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the support. I appreciate it.

Re: the other woman . . . I do feel in my gut that it isn't over with them, and that it probably never was. How in the hell can I keep my sanity and my dignity when/if he tries to introduce my children to her?

When do you try to teach your children about how hurtful and wrong all of this is? OBVIOUSLY not now . . . but I don't want them growing up thinking their father's actions are ok, that marriage isn't a commitment, etc.

OK, OP, I haven't read the whole thread, but I separated from my child's dad when he was a toddler, and recently gave him more details after he asked now that he's a teen. Everyone's situation is different, but I will say that this isn't a conversation you should have with your kids until they are MUCH older. Also, a decade later, my lens softened a lot and I was able to talk about it in a way that wasn't dripping with emotion, and after I'd learned a lot about myself and grown in a lot of ways...as has my ex. My child was surprised, and angry at both of us. Which is his right. It was a hard conversation. But we also spoke about how people are multifaceted and imperfect, how we wish we could have done some things differently, and how our love for him has never wavered. Good luck, keep breathing, and keep loving your babies.

[Anonymous]

The Sandcastles book on divorce is very helpful, and gives scripts for this.

Sorry for what you're going through OP. I went through the same thing with a cheating ex. I am oK now.

[Anonymous]

I will say that if you tell your 12+ kid some of the (possibly toned-down) reasons behind the divorce (i.e. "he had an affair" instead of "he had an affair, gave me VD, and I caught him having a threesome while snorting coke off a stripper's ass") it won't be a terrible thing.

Previous posters have said typically a parent with their act together that isn't overcome by anger and that can still find time for them will be okay.

As long as you don't ignore your kid and you can put together a paragraph or two with them that doesn't involve slamming your ex, your odds have greatly improved.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just wanted to say that I agree with your "barf." Ugh. My husband told me something like I was his soul mate and then when he cheated, he had past lives with this other woman, so she was also his soul mate. They definitely don't talk anymore, but I am sure he convinced himself to start some relationship with someone else.

The thing that these jerks don't understand is that everything is roses until you move in with someone and have to deal with them on a daily basis and work out all the little details of having a life together. Sure, any of us could fall in love with someone we only saw at our best and their best occasionally. Sure, we all could think we found the loves of our lives when we didn't have to stare at that person's dirty laundry every day.

And then you add in kids, and it changes everyone's relationship so much that of course it feels good to be with someone you don't disappoint all the time or who doesn't disappoint you.

BARF. I hate your husband for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say that if you tell your 12+ kid some of the (possibly toned-down) reasons behind the divorce (i.e. "he had an affair" instead of "he had an affair, gave me VD, and I caught him having a threesome while snorting coke off a stripper's ass") it won't be a terrible thing.

I tend to agree. Each kid is different, but most teens and pre-teens aren't going to be satisfied with "Mom and Dad just don't love each other anymore."

Mine weren't. The younger of the two, in high school, said several times he thought the split was his fault. He didn't say, but might also have been thinking, that even if we didn't love each other we should have loved him enough not to totally screw up his life. So to the extent you can point out that both of you are flawed, so it's the parents' faults (while leaving out the lack of sex for years/threesome with the coke), this might actually alleviate some of the anxiety and guilt a pre-teen or teen might feel. At least my teen. I also sent DS for therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Another hour or so until we tell them. They've been enjoying their morning doing various activities all day so far. The closer the time gets, the angrier I get with him.

Last night, he finally, FINALLY acknowledged after over a year of therapy that they told each other they were in love with each other. He denied, denied, denied for a year. Lied in counseling. And now I know why nothing was going to ever work. The more I process this, the angrier I get. Such a liar, such a betrayal.

She isn't even attractive. She has giant horse teeth, including one big gray dead tooth in the front. Very mousy. Yes, this is me being petty and bitchy, but dear god, just let me have this pettiness in this moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Another hour or so until we tell them. They've been enjoying their morning doing various activities all day so far. The closer the time gets, the angrier I get with him.

Last night, he finally, FINALLY acknowledged after over a year of therapy that they told each other they were in love with each other. He denied, denied, denied for a year. Lied in counseling. And now I know why nothing was going to ever work. The more I process this, the angrier I get. Such a liar, such a betrayal.

She isn't even attractive. She has giant horse teeth, including one big gray dead tooth in the front. Very mousy. Yes, this is me being petty and bitchy, but dear god, just let me have this pettiness in this moment.

Although it'd be nice for the kids to get through the holidays, at least you're not telling them on a school night. >.>

So what happens on Monday? Is he moving out? Are you guys still doing Thanksgiving and Christmas together?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry that you are going through this.

All I can say is that my parents divorced when my sibling and I were slightly older than your kids, and we adapted just fine and are now well-adjusted and somewhat successful. My mother eventually remarried someone who is a much better fit for her and a great person in general.

My advice is to stay strong for your kids, and don't let bitterness get the better of you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't know yet about the holidays. Part of me thinks he needs to be at home in his lonely new place by himself, to wallow in the bed he made. At the end, I will probably see how things are with the kids. If they seem to need him around, I'll suck it up but damn. I don't think I want him around anymore.

[Anonymous]

He will be miserable whether he stays with the AP or not. Not your problem. Focus on you and your kids. You sound very strong and sane and undeserving of his abuse. You'll do great. Chin up girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Another hour or so until we tell them. They've been enjoying their morning doing various activities all day so far. The closer the time gets, the angrier I get with him.

Last night, he finally, FINALLY acknowledged after over a year of therapy that they told each other they were in love with each other. He denied, denied, denied for a year. Lied in counseling. And now I know why nothing was going to ever work. The more I process this, the angrier I get. Such a liar, such a betrayal.

She isn't even attractive. She has giant horse teeth, including one big gray dead tooth in the front. Very mousy. Yes, this is me being petty and bitchy, but dear god, just let me have this pettiness in this moment.

I hate bad teeth. You're better off without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell the other woman's husband. It isn't your place. Their relationship is their relationship, and you play no part in it.

When you're dealing with the fallout from a divorce and the impact on kids life you'll appreciate that thIs advice is just wrong !!

I would tell the other woman's husband and I would do it out of revenge - I hate seeing cheaters get away it. What's wrong with screwing up her life a little bit when she's messed up your life in a big way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the support. I appreciate it.

Re: the other woman . . . I do feel in my gut that it isn't over with them, and that it probably never was. How in the hell can I keep my sanity and my dignity when/if he tries to introduce my children to her?

When do you try to teach your children about how hurtful and wrong all of this is? OBVIOUSLY not now . . . but I don't want them growing up thinking their father's actions are ok, that marriage isn't a commitment, etc.

You don't. You don't do this. They are little kids. Don't burden them with your issues.

They will get older and ask questions and figure it out and come to their own conclusions.

Do not poison them against your DH. It will come back to bite you on the ass, so look at it from self-interest. And leaving that aside, it's just the wrong thing to do.

+1 As a child of divorce, whose father cheated on my mother and is now married to the woman he had the affair with:

- kids will figure things out for themselves
- kids will arrive at their own judgements and conclusions, not necessarily the same ones you WANT them to arrive at
- kids know when they are being manipulated/used
- kids' respect for their parent has much more to do with the way each parent conducts themselves and treats the child than how someone else tells them to feel about their parent.

Trust me on this one: the parent who acts with self-respect and dignity will be admired, the one who doesn't won't be.

As a child of divorce, this is the best advice on this thread. OP, I really feel for you, your husband is an ass. Still, take this good advice and trust me when I say you must ignore those encouraging you to poison the children against dad, or who think kids have a right to know about his cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Another hour or so until we tell them. They've been enjoying their morning doing various activities all day so far. The closer the time gets, the angrier I get with him.

Last night, he finally, FINALLY acknowledged after over a year of therapy that they told each other they were in love with each other. He denied, denied, denied for a year. Lied in counseling. And now I know why nothing was going to ever work. The more I process this, the angrier I get. Such a liar, such a betrayal.

She isn't even attractive. She has giant horse teeth, including one big gray dead tooth in the front. Very mousy. Yes, this is me being petty and bitchy, but dear god, just let me have this pettiness in this moment.

I normally think parents with young children should work it out and cheating should be forgiven but your husband is not just a cheater, he is incredibly rude and intentionally hurtful. Be strong OP, for you, for your kids. You will be better off without him. Never bad mouth DH in front of children. Your kids will figure out what happened one day. How they feel about him will depend more on how he is as a dad more than how he was as a husband, which isn't fair. Find friends to vent on, never your kids. Good luck. I was high school when parents divorced from Dad's affair. My biggest immediate concern was whether I could stay in house, whether we would be moving, shuttling custody. Those were my questions. Different ages, but I think that is kids biggest immediate concern.