Reply to We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "We are separating, telling kids on Saturday"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote]
Why this? If OP tells the husband and what happens is what you predict - that the affair is out in the open, no longer fun and sexy, and falls apart- and the DH decides to stay with OP, she will forever know he's only with her because he basically settled when he couldn't be with his AP. Why would anyone want that? I sympathize that she is getting a divorce she doesn't want and that blows. I really do feel for her. But if you have to basically hamstring someone into being married to you, you don't have a marriage worth having. If he's willing to divorce her because he feels this way about someone else, she doesn't magically have an intact, healthy marriage just because the other person is suddenly unavailable. The marriage is already dead[/quote]

I disagree. There are good reasons not to tell, but there are also reasons to tell. Telling the OWs spouse is less likely to make them stick together. not more. Exposure generally ruins affairs, but does bring to light the cracks in marriages. If the OW's spouse does not know about the affair, then the secrecy remains, the fog fuels the sense that they are in love, they remain working together and the affair continues, and OP's spouse remains in the fog, allowing him to think that his wife is the culprit for his unhappiness and his AP is the answer to all his problems. When reality hits, people are more likely to have to start to own their shit, including damage done to their families and spouses. Some will forever refuse to take responsibility even after being outed.

now, why should OP do something that might help end what is an ongoing affair? She has no decision making power now, and she needs to have some. But also, divorce is horrendous on children. THis does not mean that OP shoudl sacrifice and stay for the kids with a cheating asshole. But, I do think that in this case, with young kids, fighting for a marriage and family is worth a shot, because of the damage to them. I have seen people leave their spouses over affairs, horrible divorce, kids are a mess the affairs never work out and no one is happier down the road and the wayward spouse regrets the whole thing. What if something happened that made it harder to continue the affair, that made it uglier to divorce, that made it more important to look inside at one 's internal damage and figure out the causes of one's hurtful and selfish behavior? What if that lead, ultimately, to a better marriage and family? Its unfortunately not always going to happen and its unfair that the betrayed spouse gets dragged down through no fault of her own, but she needs to weigh her options and she is closing one of her options by not telling.

This is not a move to make because OP wants to force a man to stay with her who would rather be with someone else. Telling the other spouse does not mean that OP wants to, or should, reconcile. SHe needs to be ready to dump  him, but on her terms, not his. Even if he came back eventually, and worked hard at the marriage and accepted all responsiblity, it does not mean she has to take him back. But she should have that chance.  It means that the people having the affair have to own up to their actions, at some point. If in fact the spouse and the OW do end up together, then why would OP want that anyway? more likely, it will all end, and if he comes crawling back, well then OP can make a decision about how her life goes. But right now, the affair partners are holding the power and that is not cool. I also just think it is not cool to not let the OW's spouse know. I suspect he does not know because the OW still works for the man with whom she is having an affair. If he knew and they were truly working on their marriage, she would leave the job. I know that if my spouse were cheating on me, I would like to know, particularly if I am in the midst of marital counseling but my spouse conveniently does not tell me the thing that is blowing up our marriage. You can't fix something if you dont know the truth. Now, if the spouse already knows, then she hasn't made anything worse. But if he doesn't, then I guarantee you its because she's still having an affair and frankly, I dont think anyone should be ending a marriage while in the midst of affair fog. Ending a marriage may be the natural consequence, but OP should feel entitlted to take some control over the situation and if this gives her some control, so be it.

Final note (and then off my soapbox): people at work already know. these things never ever stay secret. Someone is going to get fired regardless, so I kind of think that its better that she tells the OW's spouse, and someone leaves their job while they can still find another one more easily.

Regardless of whether OP tells or not, she should read chump lady and do the 180.

[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics