Sexless Marriages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I have been following this thread wondering whether to post. I am a DW who was in a "maintenance sex" marriage for past several years. Definitely the on downward slope. I was the one not interested. (I am close to 50).
But... THERE IS HOPE! Things have changed for us! I want sex with my husband (a lot) and am totally available to him. I initiate. I'm not even sure what happened to me, but I feel my marriage & family have been saved and I want to give others hope. I thank God that he stayed. I don't if this helps anyone but I hope it does.

You say THERE IS HOPE yet go on to say "not sure what happened". Gee, thanks for the helpful insight!
How is that hopeful to guys like me on the "refused" side of the bed?
What specific actions (other than the standard options of divorce or outsource) can I take in my sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I have been following this thread wondering whether to post. I am a DW who was in a "maintenance sex" marriage for past several years. Definitely the on downward slope. I was the one not interested. (I am close to 50).
But... THERE IS HOPE! Things have changed for us! I want sex with my husband (a lot) and am totally available to him. I initiate. I'm not even sure what happened to me, but I feel my marriage & family have been saved and I want to give others hope. I thank God that he stayed. I don't if this helps anyone but I hope it does.

So what turned it around for you? Right now, DW feels zero affection or attraction for me, and it is hard to see it coming back. My efforts to build a connection meet with coldness and indifference.

That was me.. I feel your pain, I really do. I wish there was one thing I could tell you but for me I think a bunch of stuff just came together. Generally:
1)Ageing parents and raising kids take a lot of effort. DH becomes one more thing to "take care of." Our kids are getting older, so there is more of me to give, so to speak.
2) I feel like I grew up. Part of me felt sex was something good girls didn't do/enjoy/talk about. (Yes I may have some issues.)
3) Trying to stay non-explicit here - I acknowledged that intercourse only did it for me less that 50% of the time. I didn't realize this was common (see #2). "Other things" just work better for me. Luckily DH is happy to oblige.
4) I stopped drinking. Mostly to lose an extra 5lbs that were bugging me. I had been up to 2 glasses of wine every night. I felt like crap but kept doing it. I feel lighter, or just better.
5) Reading erotic fiction - never did this before (again see #2). Maybe not for everyone but puts me in the mood.
6) Make an effort to not focus on the things that I found unappealing i.e., I buy you nice clothes but you insist on wearing hiked up dad jeans and work shoes - just no. Working on this.

I could go on. Hope this helps. Maybe I'll start a blog...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I have been following this thread wondering whether to post. I am a DW who was in a "maintenance sex" marriage for past several years. Definitely the on downward slope. I was the one not interested. (I am close to 50).
But... THERE IS HOPE! Things have changed for us! I want sex with my husband (a lot) and am totally available to him. I initiate. I'm not even sure what happened to me, but I feel my marriage & family have been saved and I want to give others hope. I thank God that he stayed. I don't if this helps anyone but I hope it does.

You say THERE IS HOPE yet go on to say "not sure what happened". Gee, thanks for the helpful insight!
How is that hopeful to guys like me on the "refused" side of the bed?
What specific actions (other than the standard options of divorce or outsource) can I take in my sexless marriage?

I know...it's not like I'm holding back a on a magic solution. See my follow up post. Unfortunately I feel like my experience is of more help to the wives than to the husbands.
I do think my husband was good about acknowledging that this was not where either of us wanted to be rather than blaming me.
But, to be clear we did get in the loop of him being grumpy because of no sex and then me not wanting to do it with the guy who's being an a**, and so on. It sucked.
Maybe a blog and then your can tell your wives to take a look. Just trying to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I have been following this thread wondering whether to post. I am a DW who was in a "maintenance sex" marriage for past several years. Definitely the on downward slope. I was the one not interested. (I am close to 50).
But... THERE IS HOPE! Things have changed for us! I want sex with my husband (a lot) and am totally available to him. I initiate. I'm not even sure what happened to me, but I feel my marriage & family have been saved and I want to give others hope. I thank God that he stayed. I don't if this helps anyone but I hope it does.

So what turned it around for you? Right now, DW feels zero affection or attraction for me, and it is hard to see it coming back. My efforts to build a connection meet with coldness and indifference.

^This is my marriage exactly. We have been to a Retrouvaille retreat. We have talked about how important sex and intimacy are to me. She has acknowledged it is important to me. Yet she remains indifferent and cold and looks at me with dead eyes in the bedroom

[Anonymous]

But, to be clear we did get in the loop of him being grumpy because of no sex and then me not wanting to do it with the guy who's being an a**, and so on. It sucked.

I had previously posted how an affair saved our marriage and this is exactly why. I stopped being grumpy when I had time with my AP. I was no longer sexually frustrated, or pursuing my wife. We started having sex again, and our relationship repaired.

Not the Disney movie version but it worked for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But, to be clear we did get in the loop of him being grumpy because of no sex and then me not wanting to do it with the guy who's being an a**, and so on. It sucked.

I had previously posted how an affair saved our marriage and this is exactly why. I stopped being grumpy when I had time with my AP. I was no longer sexually frustrated, or pursuing my wife. We started having sex again, and our relationship repaired.

Not the Disney movie version but it worked for us.

Oh, god the last thing I want is my AP having sex with his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I have been following this thread wondering whether to post. I am a DW who was in a "maintenance sex" marriage for past several years. Definitely the on downward slope. I was the one not interested. (I am close to 50).
But... THERE IS HOPE! Things have changed for us! I want sex with my husband (a lot) and am totally available to him. I initiate. I'm not even sure what happened to me, but I feel my marriage & family have been saved and I want to give others hope. I thank God that he stayed. I don't if this helps anyone but I hope it does.

You say THERE IS HOPE yet go on to say "not sure what happened". Gee, thanks for the helpful insight!
How is that hopeful to guys like me on the "refused" side of the bed?
What specific actions (other than the standard options of divorce or outsource) can I take in my sexless marriage?

I know...it's not like I'm holding back a on a magic solution. See my follow up post. Unfortunately I feel like my experience is of more help to the wives than to the husbands.
I do think my husband was good about acknowledging that this was not where either of us wanted to be rather than blaming me.
But, to be clear we did get in the loop of him being grumpy because of no sex and then me not wanting to do it with the guy who's being an a**, and so on. It sucked.
Maybe a blog and then your can tell your wives to take a look. Just trying to help.

Most women in sexless marriage do not see this as a problem, so they have no reason to read a blog. She is perfectly content with a sexless marriage, even happier if he would stop "pestering her".
It's not HER problem, it's HIS problem.

You may not like this, but my advice to the husbands is to TELL HER in CRYSTAL CLEAR language:
I intend to resume a normal sexlife. I'd like that to be with you. And if there is anything that I can do to help you get back to an intimate place, just tell me.
Otherwise, from now on, I am repurposing our Friday date night: I will be going out with other women.

Boom! His problem is solved.
Perhaps now SHE has a problem, I wish her good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also in a very low sex marriage. We never had a very high frequency and my H has a very low drive. But at this point, after 15 years of marriage, I think we both love each other like family and not like lovers. We have a pretty good marriage in all other aspects:good coparents, fiscally compatible, no extended family drama, some similar interests, shared values, etc. So we agreed on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. As long as we both feel like the primary commitment is to the household and each other's wellbeing, we can both go outside the marriage for passionate encounters. But the rule is "no diseases, no drama". So, if some crazy betrayed spouse if a lover calls the house, that relationship is over. If you test positive for an STD, then it's a violation of the trust. It works for us, so far. I think a lot of humans were not designed for 60 years of sexual compatibility and that's okay. As long as there are no secrets that are not previously agreed upon, nobody is feeling disrespected, and the household is the priority, lots oc peripheral arrangements can work.

+1 us too We still have sex 3 or 4 times a month, which is all my DH needs. I need sexting, flirtation, anticipation, new adventures to have together. He is pure vanilla. I know he's relieved that it's no longer a conversation topic with us.

Seriously???? this is not a sexless marriage. come back here when you haven't had sex for a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I have been following this thread wondering whether to post. I am a DW who was in a "maintenance sex" marriage for past several years. Definitely the on downward slope. I was the one not interested. (I am close to 50).
But... THERE IS HOPE! Things have changed for us! I want sex with my husband (a lot) and am totally available to him. I initiate. I'm not even sure what happened to me, but I feel my marriage & family have been saved and I want to give others hope. I thank God that he stayed. I don't if this helps anyone but I hope it does.

So what turned it around for you? Right now, DW feels zero affection or attraction for me, and it is hard to see it coming back. My efforts to build a connection meet with coldness and indifference.

^This is my marriage exactly. We have been to a Retrouvaille retreat. We have talked about how important sex and intimacy are to me. She has acknowledged it is important to me. Yet she remains indifferent and cold and looks at me with dead eyes in the bedroom

My marriage too. I believe my DW cheated in the past though she has always denied it and I have no proof, just strong suspicion. It is a shitty way to live. Were it not for our kids who I love more than life itself I would be gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also in a very low sex marriage. We never had a very high frequency and my H has a very low drive. But at this point, after 15 years of marriage, I think we both love each other like family and not like lovers. We have a pretty good marriage in all other aspects:good coparents, fiscally compatible, no extended family drama, some similar interests, shared values, etc. So we agreed on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. As long as we both feel like the primary commitment is to the household and each other's wellbeing, we can both go outside the marriage for passionate encounters. But the rule is "no diseases, no drama". So, if some crazy betrayed spouse if a lover calls the house, that relationship is over. If you test positive for an STD, then it's a violation of the trust. It works for us, so far. I think a lot of humans were not designed for 60 years of sexual compatibility and that's okay. As long as there are no secrets that are not previously agreed upon, nobody is feeling disrespected, and the household is the priority, lots oc peripheral arrangements can work.

+1 us too We still have sex 3 or 4 times a month, which is all my DH needs. I need sexting, flirtation, anticipation, new adventures to have together. He is pure vanilla. I know he's relieved that it's no longer a conversation topic with us.

Seriously???? this is not a sexless marriage. come back here when you haven't had sex for a year.

+1. Or two ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I have been following this thread wondering whether to post. I am a DW who was in a "maintenance sex" marriage for past several years. Definitely the on downward slope. I was the one not interested. (I am close to 50).
But... THERE IS HOPE! Things have changed for us! I want sex with my husband (a lot) and am totally available to him. I initiate. I'm not even sure what happened to me, but I feel my marriage & family have been saved and I want to give others hope. I thank God that he stayed. I don't if this helps anyone but I hope it does.

So what turned it around for you? Right now, DW feels zero affection or attraction for me, and it is hard to see it coming back. My efforts to build a connection meet with coldness and indifference.

That was me.. I feel your pain, I really do. I wish there was one thing I could tell you but for me I think a bunch of stuff just came together. Generally:
1)Ageing parents and raising kids take a lot of effort. DH becomes one more thing to "take care of." Our kids are getting older, so there is more of me to give, so to speak.
2) I feel like I grew up. Part of me felt sex was something good girls didn't do/enjoy/talk about. (Yes I may have some issues.)
3) Trying to stay non-explicit here - I acknowledged that intercourse only did it for me less that 50% of the time. I didn't realize this was common (see #2). "Other things" just work better for me. Luckily DH is happy to oblige.
4) I stopped drinking. Mostly to lose an extra 5lbs that were bugging me. I had been up to 2 glasses of wine every night. I felt like crap but kept doing it. I feel lighter, or just better.
5) Reading erotic fiction - never did this before (again see #2). Maybe not for everyone but puts me in the mood.
6) Make an effort to not focus on the things that I found unappealing i.e., I buy you nice clothes but you insist on wearing hiked up dad jeans and work shoes - just no. Working on this.

I could go on. Hope this helps. Maybe I'll start a blog...

These are all positive things, and taken together, I agree they help. You've taken responsibility for putting yourself mentally and physically in the right place to make sex better. Your husband does positive things, too. Excellent post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I have been following this thread wondering whether to post. I am a DW who was in a "maintenance sex" marriage for past several years. Definitely the on downward slope. I was the one not interested. (I am close to 50).
But... THERE IS HOPE! Things have changed for us! I want sex with my husband (a lot) and am totally available to him. I initiate. I'm not even sure what happened to me, but I feel my marriage & family have been saved and I want to give others hope. I thank God that he stayed. I don't if this helps anyone but I hope it does.

You say THERE IS HOPE yet go on to say "not sure what happened". Gee, thanks for the helpful insight!
How is that hopeful to guys like me on the "refused" side of the bed?
What specific actions (other than the standard options of divorce or outsource) can I take in my sexless marriage?

I know...it's not like I'm holding back a on a magic solution. See my follow up post. Unfortunately I feel like my experience is of more help to the wives than to the husbands.
I do think my husband was good about acknowledging that this was not where either of us wanted to be rather than blaming me.
But, to be clear we did get in the loop of him being grumpy because of no sex and then me not wanting to do it with the guy who's being an a**, and so on. It sucked.
Maybe a blog and then your can tell your wives to take a look. Just trying to help.

Most women in sexless marriage do not see this as a problem, so they have no reason to read a blog. She is perfectly content with a sexless marriage, even happier if he would stop "pestering her".
It's not HER problem, it's HIS problem.

You may not like this, but my advice to the husbands is to TELL HER in CRYSTAL CLEAR language:
I intend to resume a normal sexlife. I'd like that to be with you. And if there is anything that I can do to help you get back to an intimate place, just tell me.
Otherwise, from now on, I am repurposing our Friday date night: I will be going out with other women.

Boom! His problem is solved.
Perhaps now SHE has a problem, I wish her good luck with that.

OR..."Ok sweetie I'll contact my lawyer to draw up papers to divide OUR 401k, home, stocks, car, child support and alimony. Maybe after that if you're lucky you'll be able to afford to take the new gf to Burger King."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If months went by I would address it or likely divorce.
.

Over no sex? Wow.

I am really surprised people don't address it. I am higher drive than my DW, and I absolutely address it if we go more than 2 weeks. It is a source of tension. I am not judging those who slide into a sexless marriage, I get it. But yes, I would address it and divorce if I wasn't having sex with my DW. Or ask for an open marriage. YMMV.

Eww. I would divorce a guy like you. You just want a sperm bank and should be single.

[Anonymous]

Sexless marriage is redundancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If months went by I would address it or likely divorce.
.

Over no sex? Wow.

I am really surprised people don't address it. I am higher drive than my DW, and I absolutely address it if we go more than 2 weeks. It is a source of tension. I am not judging those who slide into a sexless marriage, I get it. But yes, I would address it and divorce if I wasn't having sex with my DW. Or ask for an open marriage. YMMV.

Eww. I would divorce a guy like you. You just want a sperm bank and should be single.

You just want a human ATM and you should be single.