Sexless Marriages

[Anonymous]

But why does it need to be an affair? Why not just have an honest conversation about needs and come to a multiplayer understanding about finding a solution. If your spouse sucks at gardening and doesn't have the interest, you get a lawn service. If you need help with childcare, you get a nanny. Why is there a deep taboo about getting a lover? If the idea of you getting a lover makes your spouse jealous, then maybe that's what they need to feel inspired to up their game. Nothing makes someone more attractive than seeing someone else covet them. It's often the best aphrodisiac.

[Anonymous]

You seriously need to get a hobby or something. If that's all you think about in your marriage then get divorced and do your spouse a favor. It's YOU, not your spouse fyi.

[Anonymous]

Nothing. For 7 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing. For 7 years.

I'm DW btw. 20years of marriage. Last 7 years nothing more than a peck on the cheek. No major weight gain, either.

[Anonymous]

I was an AP of a guy in a sexless marriage, with no kids. (And I was the AP because my own marriage was failing, I'm now single).

He's still married and from what he says still not having sex with her (or me--we haven't been involved in over a year).

He and I hooked up because we were both so lonely. He stayed married because being lonely and sexless was made up for by having company and intellectual stimulation and a second high income.

Relationships are complex and people rationalize and bargain with themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seriously need to get a hobby or something. If that's all you think about in your marriage then get divorced and do your spouse a favor. It's YOU, not your spouse fyi.

Who is this directed at?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am also in a very low sex marriage. We never had a very high frequency and my H has a very low drive. But at this point, after 15 years of marriage, I think we both love each other like family and not like lovers. We have a pretty good marriage in all other aspects:good coparents, fiscally compatible, no extended family drama, some similar interests, shared values, etc. So we agreed on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. As long as we both feel like the primary commitment is to the household and each other's wellbeing, we can both go outside the marriage for passionate encounters. But the rule is "no diseases, no drama". So, if some crazy betrayed spouse if a lover calls the house, that relationship is over. If you test positive for an STD, then it's a violation of the trust. It works for us, so far. I think a lot of humans were not designed for 60 years of sexual compatibility and that's okay. As long as there are no secrets that are not previously agreed upon, nobody is feeling disrespected, and the household is the priority, lots oc peripheral arrangements can work.

+1 us too We still have sex 3 or 4 times a month, which is all my DH needs. I need sexting, flirtation, anticipation, new adventures to have together. He is pure vanilla. I know he's relieved that it's no longer a conversation topic with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was an AP of a guy in a sexless marriage, with no kids. (And I was the AP because my own marriage was failing, I'm now single).

He's still married and from what he says still not having sex with her (or me--we haven't been involved in over a year).

He and I hooked up because we were both so lonely. He stayed married because being lonely and sexless was made up for by having company and intellectual stimulation and a second high income.

Relationships are complex and people rationalize and bargain with themselves.

I thought this might have been my alter-ego writing. He's in a sexless marriage, no kids. Me, anger/resentment at husband, marriage seriously flawed. But our (me & AP) common ground is that we are both lonely and we find some solace in it. Of course not cheating is better. But for now ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP from another sexless marriage thread (husband stopped having sex).

It's awful but one can survive anything. My life is missing something immensely important. I'm now struggling to see if I can reconcile the vows o took and my child's needs with the loss I have endured and if I can get through this forever.

One thing to understand is that in some cases it won't get better. Therapy, meds, honest communication, supportive behavior (I nurture in many ways and don't outright criticize even when talking about this issue) will not help everyone. Some people don't want it to be fixed. Others become too beaten down to know how to fix it anymore - which could be me.

Posters who say these marriages are severely lacking are correct. However, they're like other flawed marriages in some ways- like people who fight or who resent one another because of child care or housekeeping or in laws. The difference for us is it stops being about painful episodes and arguments and fades to numbness. Like an amputation almost. Like you know something vital is gone but you get around anyway because you have to.

Unlike many on this board I think an affair is understandable in this situation. I don't know if I ever will but I'm thinking it would be nice in some ways.

Wow, another DW here. [phone]. Could not have said it better myself. I did have a brief affair but realized that wasn't the answer for me. So now I enjoy the family time that I have with DH and our two elementary school aged DCs and am thankful for our other good fortunes. But, it hurts to lack sex and intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But why does it need to be an affair? Why not just have an honest conversation about needs and come to a multiplayer understanding about finding a solution. If your spouse sucks at gardening and doesn't have the interest, you get a lawn service. If you need help with childcare, you get a nanny. Why is there a deep taboo about getting a lover?

I hear this line all the time - it's a corollary or variation of "it's not the sex, it's the lying that upsets me so much". Bull. It absolutely is the sex....every bit as much as the lying. People throw out this notion that if somehow you were just completely honest and above board it would be hunky dory, and people would quickly come to an "oursourcing" open-relationship solution.

Except not. The vast majority of people - men or women - would not be OK with allowing their spouse to have sex with other people. Sex is a degree of intimacy that you simply don't come close to with playing tennis or watching the kids or weeding the garden. People have sex and they tend to catch feelings. Very very few people are cut out for "sharing" their spouse sexually.

The reason people have affairs (cheat, lie) is because they know the answer would be "NO" if they asked legitimately for permission.

The reasons they seek sex outside their relationships are wide and varied, but the reason it is done surreptitiously is very very simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But why does it need to be an affair? Why not just have an honest conversation about needs and come to a multiplayer understanding about finding a solution. If your spouse sucks at gardening and doesn't have the interest, you get a lawn service. If you need help with childcare, you get a nanny. Why is there a deep taboo about getting a lover? If the idea of you getting a lover makes your spouse jealous, then maybe that's what they need to feel inspired to up their game. Nothing makes someone more attractive than seeing someone else covet them. It's often the best aphrodisiac.

I think maybe the fact that you equate screwing with mulching might be part of your sex life problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an AP of a guy in a sexless marriage, with no kids. (And I was the AP because my own marriage was failing, I'm now single).

He's still married and from what he says still not having sex with her (or me--we haven't been involved in over a year).

He and I hooked up because we were both so lonely. He stayed married because being lonely and sexless was made up for by having company and intellectual stimulation and a second high income.

Relationships are complex and people rationalize and bargain with themselves.

I thought this might have been my alter-ego writing. He's in a sexless marriage, no kids. Me, anger/resentment at husband, marriage seriously flawed. But our (me & AP) common ground is that we are both lonely and we find some solace in it. Of course not cheating is better. But for now ...

It is utterly baffling to me that any man with no kids would stay in a sexless marriage. Get divorced, and you can get another woman to provide "company and intellectual stimulation and a second high income" and she will have sex with you, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why does it need to be an affair? Why not just have an honest conversation about needs and come to a multiplayer understanding about finding a solution. If your spouse sucks at gardening and doesn't have the interest, you get a lawn service. If you need help with childcare, you get a nanny. Why is there a deep taboo about getting a lover?

I hear this line all the time - it's a corollary or variation of "it's not the sex, it's the lying that upsets me so much". Bull. It absolutely is the sex....every bit as much as the lying. People throw out this notion that if somehow you were just completely honest and above board it would be hunky dory, and people would quickly come to an "oursourcing" open-relationship solution.

Except not. The vast majority of people - men or women - would not be OK with allowing their spouse to have sex with other people. Sex is a degree of intimacy that you simply don't come close to with playing tennis or watching the kids or weeding the garden. People have sex and they tend to catch feelings. Very very few people are cut out for "sharing" their spouse sexually.

The reason people have affairs (cheat, lie) is because they know the answer would be "NO" if they asked legitimately for permission.

The reasons they seek sex outside their relationships are wide and varied, but the reason it is done surreptitiously is very very simple.

A spouse who rejects sex on a regular basis forfeits his/her right to dis-allow "sex with other people"

If sex is soooooo important ("degree of intimacy that you simply don't come close to with playing tennis") then STOP REJECTING YOUR SPOUSE..

Can't have it both ways: either sex is important (so don't reject your spouse) or it is NOT important (DADT when your spouse outsources).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is in the friend zone. We talk about fixing that but it never happens. DW has checked out emotionally. I want to keep it together for my family but this is sucking the life out of me. She has no idea how big a deal the lack of sex is

I am in the exact same situation. It sucks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why does it need to be an affair? Why not just have an honest conversation about needs and come to a multiplayer understanding about finding a solution. If your spouse sucks at gardening and doesn't have the interest, you get a lawn service. If you need help with childcare, you get a nanny. Why is there a deep taboo about getting a lover?

I hear this line all the time - it's a corollary or variation of "it's not the sex, it's the lying that upsets me so much". Bull. It absolutely is the sex....every bit as much as the lying. People throw out this notion that if somehow you were just completely honest and above board it would be hunky dory, and people would quickly come to an "oursourcing" open-relationship solution.

Except not. The vast majority of people - men or women - would not be OK with allowing their spouse to have sex with other people. Sex is a degree of intimacy that you simply don't come close to with playing tennis or watching the kids or weeding the garden. People have sex and they tend to catch feelings. Very very few people are cut out for "sharing" their spouse sexually.

The reason people have affairs (cheat, lie) is because they know the answer would be "NO" if they asked legitimately for permission.

The reasons they seek sex outside their relationships are wide and varied, but the reason it is done surreptitiously is very very simple.

A spouse who rejects sex on a regular basis forfeits his/her right to dis-allow "sex with other people"

If sex is soooooo important ("degree of intimacy that you simply don't come close to with playing tennis") then STOP REJECTING YOUR SPOUSE..

Can't have it both ways: either sex is important (so don't reject your spouse) or it is NOT important (DADT when your spouse outsources).

I'm PP you're responding to, and I'm the HL DH.

Here's the thing: I've been in that duty sex situation before - the one where they put up with putting out for a few minutes because they aren't supposed to reject me - and you know what? I'll pass. It really isn't as simple as "just do it", if you really don't want to or aren't attracted to your spouse.