Sexless Marriages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an AP of a guy in a sexless marriage, with no kids. (And I was the AP because my own marriage was failing, I'm now single).

He's still married and from what he says still not having sex with her (or me--we haven't been involved in over a year).

He and I hooked up because we were both so lonely. He stayed married because being lonely and sexless was made up for by having company and intellectual stimulation and a second high income.

Relationships are complex and people rationalize and bargain with themselves.

I thought this might have been my alter-ego writing. He's in a sexless marriage, no kids. Me, anger/resentment at husband, marriage seriously flawed. But our (me & AP) common ground is that we are both lonely and we find some solace in it. Of course not cheating is better. But for now ...

It is utterly baffling to me that any man with no kids would stay in a sexless marriage. Get divorced, and you can get another woman to provide "company and intellectual stimulation and a second high income" and she will have sex with you, too.

Yes there is no reason to stay ... but, change is difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why does it need to be an affair? Why not just have an honest conversation about needs and come to a multiplayer understanding about finding a solution. If your spouse sucks at gardening and doesn't have the interest, you get a lawn service. If you need help with childcare, you get a nanny. Why is there a deep taboo about getting a lover? If the idea of you getting a lover makes your spouse jealous, then maybe that's what they need to feel inspired to up their game. Nothing makes someone more attractive than seeing someone else covet them. It's often the best aphrodisiac.

I think maybe the fact that you equate screwing with mulching might be part of your sex life problem.

That is pretty ridiculous. My wife will find time to mulch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why does it need to be an affair? Why not just have an honest conversation about needs and come to a multiplayer understanding about finding a solution. If your spouse sucks at gardening and doesn't have the interest, you get a lawn service. If you need help with childcare, you get a nanny. Why is there a deep taboo about getting a lover? If the idea of you getting a lover makes your spouse jealous, then maybe that's what they need to feel inspired to up their game. Nothing makes someone more attractive than seeing someone else covet them. It's often the best aphrodisiac.

I think maybe the fact that you equate screwing with mulching might be part of your sex life problem.

That is pretty ridiculous. My wife will find time to mulch.

And do any of a dozen other stupid useless things, but when it comes time to get it on, oh no so sorry too tired...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an AP of a guy in a sexless marriage, with no kids. (And I was the AP because my own marriage was failing, I'm now single).

He's still married and from what he says still not having sex with her (or me--we haven't been involved in over a year).

He and I hooked up because we were both so lonely. He stayed married because being lonely and sexless was made up for by having company and intellectual stimulation and a second high income.

Relationships are complex and people rationalize and bargain with themselves.

I thought this might have been my alter-ego writing. He's in a sexless marriage, no kids. Me, anger/resentment at husband, marriage seriously flawed. But our (me & AP) common ground is that we are both lonely and we find some solace in it. Of course not cheating is better. But for now ...

It is utterly baffling to me that any man with no kids would stay in a sexless marriage. Get divorced, and you can get another woman to provide "company and intellectual stimulation and a second high income" and she will have sex with you, too.

Yes there is no reason to stay ... but, change is difficult.

I'm the AP in the quoted text. My AP (the still married guy) had an elaborate rationale. That boiled down to being afraid to be alone.

I was head over heels in love with him and would have gladly been company, a second income, and intellectual stimulation, AND sex. But he chose to stay instead.

Oh well. Since I last slept with him, I have slept with multiple other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was an AP of a guy in a sexless marriage, with no kids. (And I was the AP because my own marriage was failing, I'm now single).

He's still married and from what he says still not having sex with her (or me--we haven't been involved in over a year).

He and I hooked up because we were both so lonely. He stayed married because being lonely and sexless was made up for by having company and intellectual stimulation and a second high income.

Relationships are complex and people rationalize and bargain with themselves.

I bet you're real proud of yourself. I suspect he cheated early on in the marriage and she knew. Many women don't want to have sex after a spouse cheated but are stuck financially. Maybe she has a long term plan and a good insurance policy on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is in the friend zone. We talk about fixing that but it never happens. DW has checked out emotionally. I want to keep it together for my family but this is sucking the life out of me. She has no idea how big a deal the lack of sex is

I am in the exact same situation. It sucks!

I bet she is happy though, lol. Wow if you can still be friends that isn't bad. I know many women who have to do the "duty" sex and have resentments against their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is us right now. Two years of unsuccessful infertility treatments have squelched all desire. Not sure how to recover.

This was us. We just couldn't get it back. The IVF and all the scheduled sex just took all the joy out of it. We are getting divorced because we simply do not want to sleep together anymore...
but still want passion in our lives.

Man here. I don't think DW gets how unhappy I was doing the IVF scheduled sex thing. I couldn't say anything about it at the time, because she was sticking needles in herself three times a day, but jeezus it was joyless for me. And things have never really recovered since then.

Quite honestly I wouldn't have agreed to it if I'd known it would be like that and what it would do to our sex life.

You guys go through all this stuff to have kids, yet are ready to bail over your sex life. Many on here are self centered and immature. I feel very sorry for the kids. My kids and family come first over my sex life, that's for sure. It's a marriage, you WILL go through cycles of up and downs no matter who you are with. There may be health issues down the road. Believe me you can continue to trade in but it will be the same thing at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP from another sexless marriage thread (husband stopped having sex).

It's awful but one can survive anything. My life is missing something immensely important. I'm now struggling to see if I can reconcile the vows o took and my child's needs with the loss I have endured and if I can get through this forever.

One thing to understand is that in some cases it won't get better. Therapy, meds, honest communication, supportive behavior (I nurture in many ways and don't outright criticize even when talking about this issue) will not help everyone. Some people don't want it to be fixed. Others become too beaten down to know how to fix it anymore - which could be me.

Posters who say these marriages are severely lacking are correct. However, they're like other flawed marriages in some ways- like people who fight or who resent one another because of child care or housekeeping or in laws. The difference for us is it stops being about painful episodes and arguments and fades to numbness. Like an amputation almost. Like you know something vital is gone but you get around anyway because you have to.

Unlike many on this board I think an affair is understandable in this situation. I don't know if I ever will but I'm thinking it would be nice in some ways.

Wow, another DW here. [phone]. Could not have said it better myself. I did have a brief affair but realized that wasn't the answer for me. So now I enjoy the family time that I have with DH and our two elementary school aged DCs and am thankful for our other good fortunes. But, it hurts to lack sex and intimacy.

Medical issue, and I've never strayed but it's hard, especially as I've never figured out how to explain this to our son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is us right now. Two years of unsuccessful infertility treatments have squelched all desire. Not sure how to recover.

This was us. We just couldn't get it back. The IVF and all the scheduled sex just took all the joy out of it. We are getting divorced because we simply do not want to sleep together anymore...
but still want passion in our lives.

Man here. I don't think DW gets how unhappy I was doing the IVF scheduled sex thing. I couldn't say anything about it at the time, because she was sticking needles in herself three times a day, but jeezus it was joyless for me. And things have never really recovered since then.

Quite honestly I wouldn't have agreed to it if I'd known it would be like that and what it would do to our sex life.

You guys go through all this stuff to have kids, yet are ready to bail over your sex life. Many on here are self centered and immature. I feel very sorry for the kids. My kids and family come first over my sex life, that's for sure. It's a marriage, you WILL go through cycles of up and downs no matter who you are with. There may be health issues down the road. Believe me you can continue to trade in but it will be the same thing at some point.

I think you miss the reason for the frustration of many, including myself. They aren't "cycles of up and downs." It's more of a downward slope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is us right now. Two years of unsuccessful infertility treatments have squelched all desire. Not sure how to recover.

This was us. We just couldn't get it back. The IVF and all the scheduled sex just took all the joy out of it. We are getting divorced because we simply do not want to sleep together anymore...
but still want passion in our lives.

Man here. I don't think DW gets how unhappy I was doing the IVF scheduled sex thing. I couldn't say anything about it at the time, because she was sticking needles in herself three times a day, but jeezus it was joyless for me. And things have never really recovered since then.

Quite honestly I wouldn't have agreed to it if I'd known it would be like that and what it would do to our sex life.

You guys go through all this stuff to have kids, yet are ready to bail over your sex life. Many on here are self centered and immature. I feel very sorry for the kids. My kids and family come first over my sex life, that's for sure. It's a marriage, you WILL go through cycles of up and downs no matter who you are with. There may be health issues down the road. Believe me you can continue to trade in but it will be the same thing at some point.

I think you miss the reason for the frustration of many, including myself. They aren't "cycles of up and downs." It's more of a downward slope.

If the rest of the marriage is working, kids are happy and you're merely complaining about the sex aspect, you are being unrealistic. You can ditch that spouse like my friend did, have plenty of sex but lot's of other problems. Like accounting pay attention to the balance sheet and complete picture before you decide to get divorced. There's a reason most 2nd marriages don't work. Unrealistic expectations and more baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is us right now. Two years of unsuccessful infertility treatments have squelched all desire. Not sure how to recover.

This was us. We just couldn't get it back. The IVF and all the scheduled sex just took all the joy out of it. We are getting divorced because we simply do not want to sleep together anymore...
but still want passion in our lives.

Man here. I don't think DW gets how unhappy I was doing the IVF scheduled sex thing. I couldn't say anything about it at the time, because she was sticking needles in herself three times a day, but jeezus it was joyless for me. And things have never really recovered since then.

Quite honestly I wouldn't have agreed to it if I'd known it would be like that and what it would do to our sex life.

You guys go through all this stuff to have kids, yet are ready to bail over your sex life. Many on here are self centered and immature. I feel very sorry for the kids. My kids and family come first over my sex life, that's for sure. It's a marriage, you WILL go through cycles of up and downs no matter who you are with. There may be health issues down the road. Believe me you can continue to trade in but it will be the same thing at some point.

I think you miss the reason for the frustration of many, including myself. They aren't "cycles of up and downs." It's more of a downward slope.

You already have our unanimous permission to declare Open Marriage.
So go find your AP and have fun. Or, split and find a new partner.
Either way, the sexless marriage is instantly solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is us right now. Two years of unsuccessful infertility treatments have squelched all desire. Not sure how to recover.

This was us. We just couldn't get it back. The IVF and all the scheduled sex just took all the joy out of it. We are getting divorced because we simply do not want to sleep together anymore...
but still want passion in our lives.

Man here. I don't think DW gets how unhappy I was doing the IVF scheduled sex thing. I couldn't say anything about it at the time, because she was sticking needles in herself three times a day, but jeezus it was joyless for me. And things have never really recovered since then.

Quite honestly I wouldn't have agreed to it if I'd known it would be like that and what it would do to our sex life.

You guys go through all this stuff to have kids, yet are ready to bail over your sex life. Many on here are self centered and immature. I feel very sorry for the kids. My kids and family come first over my sex life, that's for sure. It's a marriage, you WILL go through cycles of up and downs no matter who you are with. There may be health issues down the road. Believe me you can continue to trade in but it will be the same thing at some point.

I think you miss the reason for the frustration of many, including myself. They aren't "cycles of up and downs." It's more of a downward slope.

Yeah, right now it is "steeply down, hit bottom, shows no sign of ever going back up again".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is in the friend zone. We talk about fixing that but it never happens. DW has checked out emotionally. I want to keep it together for my family but this is sucking the life out of me. She has no idea how big a deal the lack of sex is

I am in the exact same situation. It sucks!

I bet she is happy though, lol. Wow if you can still be friends that isn't bad. I know many women who have to do the "duty" sex and have resentments against their spouse.

But no one gets married and signs up for celibacy. I didn't. We can be friends but if I wanted that, I would be just friends with her so I could find someone more compatible.

It's cool if she doesn't want sex from me, I'll just outsource it until it's feasible for me to divorce without losing everything.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I have been following this thread wondering whether to post. I am a DW who was in a "maintenance sex" marriage for past several years. Definitely the on downward slope. I was the one not interested. (I am close to 50).
But... THERE IS HOPE! Things have changed for us! I want sex with my husband (a lot) and am totally available to him. I initiate. I'm not even sure what happened to me, but I feel my marriage & family have been saved and I want to give others hope. I thank God that he stayed. I don't if this helps anyone but I hope it does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I have been following this thread wondering whether to post. I am a DW who was in a "maintenance sex" marriage for past several years. Definitely the on downward slope. I was the one not interested. (I am close to 50).
But... THERE IS HOPE! Things have changed for us! I want sex with my husband (a lot) and am totally available to him. I initiate. I'm not even sure what happened to me, but I feel my marriage & family have been saved and I want to give others hope. I thank God that he stayed. I don't if this helps anyone but I hope it does.

So what turned it around for you? Right now, DW feels zero affection or attraction for me, and it is hard to see it coming back. My efforts to build a connection meet with coldness and indifference.