Reply to Would you view this to be a breach of trust?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If this were a donation for a relative, where the genetic connection mattered, that would be one thing. But your friend has many choices available to her.  There are dozens of sperm banks she could go to.  She's choosing you to father a child, which honestly, as your wife, I would not be okay with. At all.  And if I found out you did it behind my back, it would irreparably damage our marriage, if not outright end it.

[/quote]

You don't know that this woman has "many choices available to her." This comes from a lesbian who is in a same sex marriage - and we used a known donor. It is not a decision that is arrived at simply or easily, and you'd be surprised at how narrow the pool of known donors can become.

That said, I think this would be a breach of trust if you went behind your wife's back. Unless you guys can reach an agreement on this, don't do it.[/quote]

Thank you. Someone who has an actual understanding of the realities facing a lesbian who needs a donor.[/quote]

Why is known donor the only option? If this woman is being truthful that she doesn't expect anything from OP, why wouldn't an anonymous donor be okay?[/quote]

PP here - the one who is a lesbian in a  same sex marriage who used a known donor.

There are a lot of reasons why we chose to use a known donor - probably the same reasons other lesbian couples chose known donors:

- Not wanting our child to have a bunch of half siblings out there (which they would if we used a random donor from a sperm bank)
- Wanting access to medical information in future years (we have read about some scary shit that even sperm banks missed and children of donor sperm and - though this rarely happens -  children have ended up with awful, rare diseases that the testing doesn't catch)
- Not wanting our child's father to be some omnipotent, life-giving power that never had a face (thus lessening our role as his parents in some way, particularly my role as his non-bio mom)
- Wanting our child/children to have a relationship with our donor - one that we define - now and later in life

And yes, we took care of all of the necessary legal work to do this. It wasn't cheap or easy.

In response to the lesbian who said that a sperm bank is the "safest" way to do this, we had our donor work through a sperm bank. Acquiring the sperm that we used to conceive of our son took literally YEARS. It also entailed no fewer than three meetings with a social worker before we moved forward with IUIs and, eventually, IVF.

Some women DO choose to use known donors and to do AI at home, but after getting all of the proper tests. Have you ever considered how much money it costs to do IVF on top of taking care of your donor's medical testing, etc?

Bottom line is that it's really unfair to presume anything about any couple that chooses a known donor. Unless you're the one in the situation, you don't know what that couple is going through.

That said, I'd like to reiterate that donating sperm behind your partner's back - and against her wishes - is absolutely grounds for a shitstorm that will inevitably happen unless you work this out beforehand, OP.[/quote]

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