H’s ADHD can’t be fixed. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Okay, with love: You get to call it "trauma" if you're going to therapy and doing your work about it. "I have trauma" isn't an excuse, it's possibly an explanation. So if OP's spouse wants to claim a diagnosis, he simultaneously picks up responsibility for learning how to manage that diagnosis.

I've got CPTSD, a lifelong physical disability, and a few other letters to add to my name. None of those things is an excuse for me acting like a clown, and all of them mean I get extra responsibilities for managing myself so others don't have to, because I'm an adult.

Wait, is being a complete twat considered a lifelong physical disability now?

So much easier to call names than work on your mess, innit? Best of luck to you, weakling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

Again, ADHD gets worse the more you burden the patient with tasks. So a young single who has yet to climb the ladder at work and rents an apartment can appear perfectly normal. 15 years later, his life can fall apart because he can't keep up with the house, the kids, and his more important job at work.

You should know this. Do better.

This is not clinically true. To actually be ADHD there are symptoms in childhood. It is not something that suddenly appears in adulthood.

PP you replied to. I am the spouse and mother of males with ADHD and autism. ***I've been through the wringer***. My husband was diagnosed when our son was diagnosed. Maybe today, teachers might warn clueless parents that their kid needs to be evaluated. But the middle-aged husbands of DCUM women? Most of them were categorized as distracted in school, probably, or troublemakers, or boys who didn't reach their full potential.

My point was that WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE BLAMED WHEN THEY REALIZE THAT THEIR HUSBANDS HAVE DIAGNOSES, OR SYMPTOMS THAT ARE GETTING WORSE. Just like men should not be blamed for their wives' diagnoses or symptoms later in life.

What I said is absolutely true. Young adults can keep it together well enough to get married and hope for a great life. And then some can't manage anymore with the mountain of stress, stimuli and executive function challenges that families, home-ownership and work responsibilities entail. So even if people marry in the full knowledge of a diagnosis, they probably never imagine how bad it might get!

So PPs, do better. Shame on you for always blaming the woman!

Shame on you for blaming the person with a disability (which they were likely completely unaware of) for their disability.

Do better.

You need to get over this 'disability = AH pass' nonlogic you keep trying to use. It's not "blaming the person with a disability" to point out that, disability or no, he's still responsible for his behavior and choices. You keep attacking people on the thread for saying some variation of that, as if having a disability means you can't be held accountable for what you choose to do. If you're so disabled you can't make choices, maybe, but that's not what's going on with OP's spouse. Dude is making a ton of shite choices, and he's responsible for the fallout. If he's concerned he may have a disability, it's his responsibility to seek treatment and work on himself/his life. It's not his wife's job to mother him through adulthood.

There are multiple people posting on this thread. You also can’t seem to read. OP’s husband has sought treatment- it’s right there in the very first post.

Sorry, you don’t get a pass for being stupid but spouting off with your idiotic opinion anyway. Put you cap on and go sit in the corner where you belong.

Thank you for this useful contribution to the thread.

OP's spouse picked up a single diagnosis, exploited it for drugs he likely abused, and didn't seem to do much of anything beyond that. Sounds like it resonates for you, probably because you're equally lazy and dysfunctional. Go do your work instead of lashing out at people who are doing their work, clownshoes.

[Anonymous]

Troll thread with sock puppeting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he have ADHD when you started dating him? I'm sure he did. Why do all these women suddenly once they are married and have kids, suddenly act like they can no longer deal with the mentally ill man they married? This is really bizarre to me. It seems to me that y'all just wanted someone to have kids with and once you got that covered you n longer need them.

Again, ADHD gets worse the more you burden the patient with tasks. So a young single who has yet to climb the ladder at work and rents an apartment can appear perfectly normal. 15 years later, his life can fall apart because he can't keep up with the house, the kids, and his more important job at work.

You should know this. Do better.

Nah. Look for someone with a degree from a hard college in a hard major and a demanding job. If he was successful at all of that and has a nice and tidy living space, odds of bad ADHD are low. They could still have the “good” ADHD - the kind that makes some adults super productive.

[Anonymous]

The best thing I ever did was finding my husband a therapist that could deal with his CPTSD.

He literally went from being a complete nightmare, anger, outbursts, terrible father to a wonderful person.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

We can all argue about what “in sickness and health” really means. But ultimately, you are not actually trapped in this marriage. My assumption is that his issues are turning you into a person you never wanted to be. And he is a grown up so you don’t actually have to take the responsibility for getting him help. It sounds like you have been trying for years.

So, you have to decide if you are better off living like this or not and how it will impact your kids. First, you have no responsibility for whether he kills himself or not or becomes more of an addict. That is totally on him. Second, you have to figure out if/how you can live on just your salary. It sounds like he might not keep his job anyway so sort this out even if you stay with him. Third, you have to figure out how to be your best self whether you stay with him or not. This likely means deciding you are a single mom even if you stay married. You should simply have zero expectations of him — he isn’t capable. You also have to decide how much you will mother him whether you stay or not. Lots of ex wives still provide some level of support to their totally dysfunctional exes. If he literally won’t eat unless you take him a plate to where he is bedridden, you can decide not to do that. He will either starve to death or get up. You should probably call 911 once he has refused to eat or drink for 48 hours if you are living in the same house.

I find it hard to believe this guy will exercise any kind of custody. If you can show he has been to rehab and is drinking again, then you should see if a lawyer thinks you can get a breathalyzer installed in his car. You likely need to wait it out a bit if you have a toddler. You need the kids to be able to get their own drinks and food and you can stock them up with snacks if he ever bothers to pick them up.

I say this as someone dealing with a father that was like your husband in many ways. My mom propped him up for years. At age 66, she got a vicious stomach bug and he let her dehydrate to death in her bed while he watched Fox News and drank. He married again quickly but she throws him out from time to time for his drinking. He pretty much immediately ends up in the hospital each time. This last time it seemed like she was done for good so I went to the hospital. He was severely dehydrated and malnourished. He is literally too much of a disaster to drink water and feed himself. He told me he had been heating up frozen meals but the microwave broke 2-3 weeks ago. This guy has $3 million in the bank and he wouldn’t even go on Amazon and order a microwave. He expects some woman to prop him up. I left after three days because it was apparent that he had no plan to do anything different once they released him from the hospital. I told him that if living his best life was drinking himself to death, I wasn’t going to stop him. He was thriving from the care he was getting (hydration, three meals a day, and no alcohol). So he went from being terrified of dying on Day 1 to “I’m totally fine and will go right back to how I was living” by Day 3, and I peaced out. I would have “taught a man to fish” if he had plans to do better but there is no plan. Since I left, he has convinced the wife and he can totally stop drinking. So, he will go back to her until she kicks him out again — rinse and repeat. He will get very little help from me and my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: you need a serious conversation with him. Is he concerned at all about divorce, and not having anyone at all supporting him like you do now? If that's the case, you can tell him that your patience is not unlimited. And if he doesn't seek treatment, you will start a trial separation. Don't mention a divorce. He needs to attend a PHP (partial hospitalization) program, maybe even residential treatment (dual diagnosis mental health and substance abuse). Trust me this can be life changing! My ASD son was struggling first year in college and we requested that he attended the PHP program.

Also, some addiction centers offer inverventionalist services: it's a licensed professional who comes to your home, calms the patient down with injections and transport them to a respective center. It costs about $7k, but this is what relatives would do for their loved ones to get them needed treatment.

Depression is a life threatening condition, and divorce won't help in your situation and he will most likely get some custody and can completely mess up or harm your child.

Umm what planet are you on that you can drug an adult and get them committed to a hospital? That is not how it works

I was offered that in Indiana some states allow the service if a psychiatrist is present. It’s not a forceful removal or detention. But rather a session certified specialist and the loved ones.

Well you were either offered that by a criminal or you were misunderstanding what was going on. On no planet is it legal to sedate an adult in a non-emergency setting and commit him to a mental hospital without legal process.

It’s absolutely legal to call a doctor for a person who threatens to kill himself, would not eat or drink, and remains bedridden for days. That’s what medical professionals are for. Lots of them were picked up by interventionists after the relatives paid the fees, and transported to rehabs in the Midwest where it’s totally legal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: you need a serious conversation with him. Is he concerned at all about divorce, and not having anyone at all supporting him like you do now? If that's the case, you can tell him that your patience is not unlimited. And if he doesn't seek treatment, you will start a trial separation. Don't mention a divorce. He needs to attend a PHP (partial hospitalization) program, maybe even residential treatment (dual diagnosis mental health and substance abuse). Trust me this can be life changing! My ASD son was struggling first year in college and we requested that he attended the PHP program.

Also, some addiction centers offer inverventionalist services: it's a licensed professional who comes to your home, calms the patient down with injections and transport them to a respective center. It costs about $7k, but this is what relatives would do for their loved ones to get them needed treatment.

Depression is a life threatening condition, and divorce won't help in your situation and he will most likely get some custody and can completely mess up or harm your child.

Umm what planet are you on that you can drug an adult and get them committed to a hospital? That is not how it works

I was offered that in Indiana some states allow the service if a psychiatrist is present. It’s not a forceful removal or detention. But rather a session certified specialist and the loved ones.

Well you were either offered that by a criminal or you were misunderstanding what was going on. On no planet is it legal to sedate an adult in a non-emergency setting and commit him to a mental hospital without legal process.

It’s absolutely legal to call a doctor for a person who threatens to kill himself, would not eat or drink, and remains bedridden for days. That’s what medical professionals are for. Lots of them were picked up by interventionists after the relatives paid the fees, and transported to rehabs in the Midwest where it’s totally legal

No it’s not. You cannot legally commit someone without some sort of legal process just because you pay an “interventionist.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: you need a serious conversation with him. Is he concerned at all about divorce, and not having anyone at all supporting him like you do now? If that's the case, you can tell him that your patience is not unlimited. And if he doesn't seek treatment, you will start a trial separation. Don't mention a divorce. He needs to attend a PHP (partial hospitalization) program, maybe even residential treatment (dual diagnosis mental health and substance abuse). Trust me this can be life changing! My ASD son was struggling first year in college and we requested that he attended the PHP program.

Also, some addiction centers offer inverventionalist services: it's a licensed professional who comes to your home, calms the patient down with injections and transport them to a respective center. It costs about $7k, but this is what relatives would do for their loved ones to get them needed treatment.

Depression is a life threatening condition, and divorce won't help in your situation and he will most likely get some custody and can completely mess up or harm your child.

Umm what planet are you on that you can drug an adult and get them committed to a hospital? That is not how it works

I was offered that in Indiana some states allow the service if a psychiatrist is present. It’s not a forceful removal or detention. But rather a session certified specialist and the loved ones.

Well you were either offered that by a criminal or you were misunderstanding what was going on. On no planet is it legal to sedate an adult in a non-emergency setting and commit him to a mental hospital without legal process.

It’s absolutely legal to call a doctor for a person who threatens to kill himself, would not eat or drink, and remains bedridden for days. That’s what medical professionals are for. Lots of them were picked up by interventionists after the relatives paid the fees, and transported to rehabs in the Midwest where it’s totally legal

No it’s not. You cannot legally commit someone without some sort of legal process just because you pay an “interventionist.”

It’s a matter of perspective. The patient agrees formally and they are taken

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: you need a serious conversation with him. Is he concerned at all about divorce, and not having anyone at all supporting him like you do now? If that's the case, you can tell him that your patience is not unlimited. And if he doesn't seek treatment, you will start a trial separation. Don't mention a divorce. He needs to attend a PHP (partial hospitalization) program, maybe even residential treatment (dual diagnosis mental health and substance abuse). Trust me this can be life changing! My ASD son was struggling first year in college and we requested that he attended the PHP program.

Also, some addiction centers offer inverventionalist services: it's a licensed professional who comes to your home, calms the patient down with injections and transport them to a respective center. It costs about $7k, but this is what relatives would do for their loved ones to get them needed treatment.

Depression is a life threatening condition, and divorce won't help in your situation and he will most likely get some custody and can completely mess up or harm your child.

Umm what planet are you on that you can drug an adult and get them committed to a hospital? That is not how it works

I was offered that in Indiana some states allow the service if a psychiatrist is present. It’s not a forceful removal or detention. But rather a session certified specialist and the loved ones.

Well you were either offered that by a criminal or you were misunderstanding what was going on. On no planet is it legal to sedate an adult in a non-emergency setting and commit him to a mental hospital without legal process.

It’s absolutely legal to call a doctor for a person who threatens to kill himself, would not eat or drink, and remains bedridden for days. That’s what medical professionals are for. Lots of them were picked up by interventionists after the relatives paid the fees, and transported to rehabs in the Midwest where it’s totally legal

No it’s not. You cannot legally commit someone without some sort of legal process just because you pay an “interventionist.”

It’s a matter of perspective. The patient agrees formally and they are taken

And then they can leave when they want (and possibly also sue if you extracted that consent by hiring a doctor to inject them with sedatives).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: you need a serious conversation with him. Is he concerned at all about divorce, and not having anyone at all supporting him like you do now? If that's the case, you can tell him that your patience is not unlimited. And if he doesn't seek treatment, you will start a trial separation. Don't mention a divorce. He needs to attend a PHP (partial hospitalization) program, maybe even residential treatment (dual diagnosis mental health and substance abuse). Trust me this can be life changing! My ASD son was struggling first year in college and we requested that he attended the PHP program.

Also, some addiction centers offer inverventionalist services: it's a licensed professional who comes to your home, calms the patient down with injections and transport them to a respective center. It costs about $7k, but this is what relatives would do for their loved ones to get them needed treatment.

Depression is a life threatening condition, and divorce won't help in your situation and he will most likely get some custody and can completely mess up or harm your child.

Umm what planet are you on that you can drug an adult and get them committed to a hospital? That is not how it works

I was offered that in Indiana some states allow the service if a psychiatrist is present. It’s not a forceful removal or detention. But rather a session certified specialist and the loved ones.

Well you were either offered that by a criminal or you were misunderstanding what was going on. On no planet is it legal to sedate an adult in a non-emergency setting and commit him to a mental hospital without legal process.

It’s absolutely legal to call a doctor for a person who threatens to kill himself, would not eat or drink, and remains bedridden for days. That’s what medical professionals are for. Lots of them were picked up by interventionists after the relatives paid the fees, and transported to rehabs in the Midwest where it’s totally legal

No it’s not. You cannot legally commit someone without some sort of legal process just because you pay an “interventionist.”

It’s a matter of perspective. The patient agrees formally and they are taken

And then they can leave when they want (and possibly also sue if you extracted that consent by hiring a doctor to inject them with sedatives).

No their electronics is taken for a few days by they they are deep into the treatment program
I can recommend the facility who can provide these consultants to handle the matter to OP to implement this if OP drops her contact

[Anonymous]

OP with an update.

I’ve decided to move out and end things. There are a lot of issues at play, but the final nail in the coffin for me was that he ultimately prefers to spend his time creeping on random women’s Facebook pages than with me. One problem we have is we have very little time together and almost no sex life, and I’ve told him multiple times he needs to stop spending his evenings scrolling on his phone (at one point it was so bad, he’d be on his phone from the time he got home from work until 1-2am).

He’s also done things like gone on dating apps, and this just feels like the latest iteration of “I’m not cheating! I’m not talking to anyone! You’re really going to leave me over looking at a Facebook page?!”

The whole “I’ll turn my phone off if I’m not using it” thing was a lie as well, yesterday when I got home I could tell he was on it and trying to hide it.

He’s been in therapy and trying various medications for years for AdHD, depression, and addiction, and keeps promising me his behavior will change once he finds the RIGHT doctor or meds or therapist. I told him ultimately he chooses his own behavior, and he’s chosen to behave in destructive ways and blame it on an “illness”.

I started looking at apartment yesterday and will continue today. I had to take the kids along with me so they know what’s going on. My 9yo took it extremely well, so I guess she’s relieved to get away from it.

[Anonymous]

Now we all know which kind of men end up on the dating apps.

[Anonymous]

OP, you (quietly) accept that you are the competent adult. You live as if you were a solo parent - of course you do. If he's bringing in a salary, if he's bringing in a good salary and manages to keep his job, no matter what that looks like - you are grateful. You set boundaries re: spending - separate discretionary accounts. And not too much money in the account he can access. Maybe he only has a debit card and not a credit card on him, for his spending. There are lots of ways you can be in control. You have to rise to the task, feel and be empowered, and you need to do it quietly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very sad, I’m so sorry. Are you sure this is just ADHD? It sounds like he’s doing all of the things and still cannot function. How long is he usually able to hold down a job? Is he working from home (if he’s in bed all day)?Does he have any insight or emotional intelligence? Social skills?

At this point I wouldn’t think of him as a child, but as a person with a disability you are caring for. Perhaps focus on his strengths, and the way he CAN contribute, and just let go of any other expectations. I would feel differently if he hadn’t tried everything, as you describe; it’s intractable.

This. How would you feel if your spouse thought you were worthless and kept trying to "fix" you because of a problem you were born with that is disabling, life limiting and unfixable. People with ADHD suffer A LOT their lives are like treadmills of futility every single day.

X100 I would be heartbroken if my DH stopped having sex with me and was trying to fix me. OP you are definitely making it worse. The more DH cheers me on the better. I have so much self-loathing I don’t need more, and it sounds like your DH does too. Hugs to you both.

OP. I just can’t. If he loses his job, I now need to find a way to bring in at least another $80k a year. If I don’t make sure he’s fed, he gets sick. He spends every free moment in bed and on his phone.

I didn’t sign up for this. It’s too stressful.

Divorce him. tell him he gets to see the kids a week in the summer and one overnight a week. Done.

+1. This is what he’d like.

Couch it that he’s so busy and important that this will work best and he’ll have a blast (being Disney dad that week).