Reply to H’s ADHD can’t be fixed. Now what?

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[quote=Anonymous]We can all argue about what “in sickness and health” really means. But ultimately, you are not actually trapped in this marriage. My assumption is that his issues are turning you into a person you never wanted to be. And he is a grown up so you don’t actually have to take the responsibility for getting him help. It sounds like you have been trying for years.

So, you have to decide if you are better off living like this or not and how it will impact your kids. First, you have no responsibility for whether he kills himself or not or becomes more of an addict. That is totally on him. Second, you have to figure out if/how you can live on just your salary. It sounds like he might not keep his job anyway so sort this out even if you stay with him. Third, you have to figure out how to be your best self whether you stay with him or not. This likely means deciding you are a single mom even if you stay married. You should simply have zero expectations of him — he isn’t capable. You also have to decide how much you will mother him whether you stay or not. Lots of ex wives still provide some level of support to their totally dysfunctional exes. If he literally won’t eat unless you take him a plate to where he is bedridden, you can decide not to do that. He will either starve to death or get up. You should probably call 911 once he has refused to eat or drink for 48 hours if you are living in the same house.

I find it hard to believe this guy will exercise any kind of custody. If you can show he has been to rehab and is drinking again, then you should see if a lawyer thinks you can get a breathalyzer installed in his car. You likely need to wait it out a bit if you have a toddler. You need the kids to be able to get their own drinks and food and you can stock them up with snacks if he ever bothers to pick them up.

I say this as someone dealing with a father that was like your husband in many ways. My mom propped him up for years. At age 66, she got a vicious stomach bug and he let her dehydrate to death in her bed while he watched Fox News and drank. He married again quickly but she throws him out from time to time for his drinking. He pretty much immediately ends up in the hospital each time. This last time it seemed like she was done for good so I went to the hospital. He was severely dehydrated and malnourished. He is literally too much of a disaster to drink water and feed himself. He told me he had been heating up frozen meals but the microwave broke 2-3 weeks ago. This guy has $3 million in the bank and he wouldn’t even go on Amazon and order a microwave. He expects some woman to prop him up. I left after three days because it was apparent that he had no plan to do anything different once they released him from the hospital. I told him that if living his best life was drinking himself to death, I wasn’t going to stop him. He was thriving from the care he was getting (hydration, three meals a day, and no alcohol). So he went from being terrified of dying on Day 1 to “I’m totally fine and will go right back to how I was living” by Day 3, and I peaced out. I would have “taught a man to fish” if he had plans to do better but there is no plan. Since I left, he has convinced the wife and he can totally stop drinking. So, he will go back to her until she kicks him out again — rinse and repeat. He will get very little help from me and my sister.[/quote]

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