H’s ADHD can’t be fixed. Now what?

[Anonymous]

H has severe ADHD. We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried medication. None of it works, or with the meds, it works for a bit but wears off, so we have to increase the dose to the point where the side effects are worse than the ADHD itself.

H is extremely distraught and upset, and developing an ulcer from the stress. He’s also entered a severe depression where he basically lies in bed most of the time.

I’m at a loss on what to do. Every day I worry he’ll lose his job, leave the toddler outside alone again, or any number of things. It’s to the point where if I don’t buy him food and make it for him, he just doesn’t eat or gets takeout/fast food, which he can’t afford (has taken multiple loans out because he’s bad with money).

I can’t bring myself to have sex with him anymore. There’s zero attraction on my end. I’m just not attracted to someone who is more like a small child than a partner.

He is on his phone a LOT. I e suggested he quit the phone but he says that’s not the problem and won’t.

Where do I go from here? I’m worried a divorce will cause him to spiral into a worse depression, pick up his former addictions (alcohol and weed), and it won’t be safe to leave the kids with him.

[Anonymous]

This is very sad, I’m so sorry. Are you sure this is just ADHD? It sounds like he’s doing all of the things and still cannot function. How long is he usually able to hold down a job? Is he working from home (if he’s in bed all day)?Does he have any insight or emotional intelligence? Social skills?

At this point I wouldn’t think of him as a child, but as a person with a disability you are caring for. Perhaps focus on his strengths, and the way he CAN contribute, and just let go of any other expectations. I would feel differently if he hadn’t tried everything, as you describe; it’s intractable.

[Anonymous]

And honestly, would medical marijuana be a bad thing, in this situation? Unless he is an addict, as you implied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H has severe ADHD. We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried medication. None of it works, or with the meds, it works for a bit but wears off, so we have to increase the dose to the point where the side effects are worse than the ADHD itself.

H is extremely distraught and upset, and developing an ulcer from the stress. He’s also entered a severe depression where he basically lies in bed most of the time.

I’m at a loss on what to do. Every day I worry he’ll lose his job, leave the toddler outside alone again, or any number of things. It’s to the point where if I don’t buy him food and make it for him, he just doesn’t eat or gets takeout/fast food, which he can’t afford (has taken multiple loans out because he’s bad with money).

I can’t bring myself to have sex with him anymore. There’s zero attraction on my end. I’m just not attracted to someone who is more like a small child than a partner.

He is on his phone a LOT. I e suggested he quit the phone but he says that’s not the problem and won’t.

Where do I go from here? I’m worried a divorce will cause him to spiral into a worse depression, pick up his former addictions (alcohol and weed), and it won’t be safe to leave the kids with him.

This doesn’t sound like ADHD. Is he interested in helping himself?

[Anonymous]

This sounds more like depression.

Is he in therapy?

[Anonymous]

Why are you with him in the first place? Serious question. It sounds like he's always had problems - were you attracted to that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds more like depression.

Is he in therapy?

Is he being medicated for depression? Your subject heading is only about ADHD, and a person can have both ADHD and depression, but it sounds like the depression symptoms aren't being addressed currently and are curtailing his ability to live productively.

[Anonymous]

OP with an update.

After posting this, I got overwhelmed by the whole situation and ended up having a panic attack.

He asked what was wrong and I told him. He flipped out, threw his phone across the room, yelled “then just leave me it’s what everyone does”, and locked himself in the guest bedroom.

I went through his phone and he’s on hundreds of web pages a day. He’s also spending a lot of time looking through random women’s facebook photos. Not thirst traps, but random, seemingly normal/real women.

I’m freaking out a bit, he’s never thrown things or yelled before and it was seemingly out of nowhere.

This seems to be way beyond ADHD and getting into some sort of severe mental illness. I’m at a complete loss at what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H has severe ADHD.

According to whom? When was he diagnosed?

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried medication. None of it works, or with the meds, it works for a bit but wears off, so we have to increase the dose to the point where the side effects are worse than the ADHD itself. H is extremely distraught and upset, and developing an ulcer from the stress. He’s also entered a severe depression where he basically lies in bed most of the time.

Do not enable this behavior. Your junkie husband seems to be playing you. He's taking stimulant meds for the high, and when the high normalizes, he's upping his dose. When that gets unmanageable, he's changing meds. That's not about the "ADHD", that's about the speed. You're gonna think I'm being mean until I tell you I know from experience. The "severe depression" is guilt and withdrawals.

Anonymous wrote:I’m at a loss on what to do.

No, you're not. And you're not a victim. Stop this.

Anonymous wrote:Every day I worry he’ll lose his job, leave the toddler outside alone again, or any number of things. It’s to the point where if I don’t buy him food and make it for him, he just doesn’t eat or gets takeout/fast food, which he can’t afford (has taken multiple loans out because he’s bad with money).

Quit enabling mediocrity. Protect your kid, yes. But the adult is an adult. Make him adult. And if you have shared finances, cut him off. If not, make sure you're not listed as a co-signed on any of these debts he's taking out to subsidize his addiction(s).

Anonymous wrote:I can’t bring myself to have sex with him anymore. There’s zero attraction on my end. I’m just not attracted to someone who is more like a small child than a partner.

Reasonable. Tell him that. It probably won't be enough for him to change, yet, but he needs to hear it. This isn't manly, it's barely boyish. Not sexy.

Anonymous wrote:He is on his phone a LOT. I e suggested he quit the phone but he says that’s not the problem and won’t.

Typical addict shit. Probably porn on there, too. If you pay for the plan, cancel it. He's at home all day. He doesn't need a cell phone because he's not going anywhere. Get him a land line if you're worried about him needing to make emergency calls. And change the wifi password while you're at it. If he wants to act like a child, treat him like one.

Anonymous wrote:Where do I go from here? I’m worried a divorce will cause him to spiral into a worse depression, pick up his former addictions (alcohol and weed), and it won’t be safe to leave the kids with him.

An addict is responsible for their addictions. Period. But this thing you're doing, where you're making excuses because he might "pick up his former addictions", oh honey... He's picked up six new ones: compulsive spending, compulsive shopping, compulsive overeating, stimulant addiction, phone/tech addiction and probably a porn addiction. You're not doing him any favors staying married "for his protection". You're enabling his bullshit.

If he's willing to spiral out into a deep do-nothing depression, he will. It's not your job to save him. Point out the obvious, don't be sucked into the manipulations, and keep yourself and your kids safe. You're responsible for you and your children, not him. Withdraw completely and let him crash, if that's what he's willing to do.

You might be surprised what he'll do when there no more you-as-safety-net to protect him from the consequences of his choices. And, to be clear, these are choices. He has agency. Let him adult.

[Anonymous]

You need to be there for your children first. I left someone who was masking ASD for years. Then it spiraled out of control and he is no more. Life is so much better for all of us now, even his family.
It wasn't my duty to help him. His huge family didn't and couldn't help him. My duty is to my kids.

[Anonymous]

He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

[Anonymous]

Divorce. You can't save nor fix him - you've tried. It's backfiring

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very sad, I’m so sorry. Are you sure this is just ADHD? It sounds like he’s doing all of the things and still cannot function. How long is he usually able to hold down a job? Is he working from home (if he’s in bed all day)?Does he have any insight or emotional intelligence? Social skills?

At this point I wouldn’t think of him as a child, but as a person with a disability you are caring for. Perhaps focus on his strengths, and the way he CAN contribute, and just let go of any other expectations. I would feel differently if he hadn’t tried everything, as you describe; it’s intractable.

This. How would you feel if your spouse thought you were worthless and kept trying to "fix" you because of a problem you were born with that is disabling, life limiting and unfixable. People with ADHD suffer A LOT their lives are like treadmills of futility every single day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update.

After posting this, I got overwhelmed by the whole situation and ended up having a panic attack.

He asked what was wrong and I told him. He flipped out, threw his phone across the room, yelled “then just leave me it’s what everyone does”, and locked himself in the guest bedroom.

I went through his phone and he’s on hundreds of web pages a day. He’s also spending a lot of time looking through random women’s facebook photos. Not thirst traps, but random, seemingly normal/real women.

I’m freaking out a bit, he’s never thrown things or yelled before and it was seemingly out of nowhere.

This seems to be way beyond ADHD and getting into some sort of severe mental illness. I’m at a complete loss at what to do.

The random women are probably people he has known earlier in life / went to school with, he is looking up to see how their lives turned out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update.

After posting this, I got overwhelmed by the whole situation and ended up having a panic attack.

He asked what was wrong and I told him. He flipped out, threw his phone across the room, yelled “then just leave me it’s what everyone does”, and locked himself in the guest bedroom.

I went through his phone and he’s on hundreds of web pages a day. He’s also spending a lot of time looking through random women’s facebook photos. Not thirst traps, but random, seemingly normal/real women.

I’m freaking out a bit, he’s never thrown things or yelled before and it was seemingly out of nowhere.

This seems to be way beyond ADHD and getting into some sort of severe mental illness. I’m at a complete loss at what to do.

Tons of people with ADHD have comorbid depression. It comes from being ineffectual and failing to achieve goals and it gets worse as others leave you further and further behind. There are ways to "manage" severe ADHD but not everyone can pull this off. He does need to set time limits on phone use and be in treatment for alcohol dependence if that is/was a factor.