H’s ADHD can’t be fixed. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be there for your children first. I left someone who was masking ASD for years. Then it spiraled out of control and he is no more. Life is so much better for all of us now, even his family.
It wasn't my duty to help him. His huge family didn't and couldn't help him. My duty is to my kids.

That wasn’t “masking ASD.” Autism doesn’t cause abuse or suicide; nor does ADHD. These kinds of assumptions about fashionable diagnoses obscure the more serious issues that are likely at play that only a very qualified psychiatrist could assess: personality disorder, depression, bipolar, OCD, and/or substance abuse.

OP - I think you need to start with individual therapy for yourself to start making a plan. Also document the incidents where he puts a child into danger, and the lack of parenting, as well as any refusal or inability to work (getting fired etc). get permanent birth control so you don’t get pregnant. Then work on bringing down the emotional reactivity at home so you can stick it out until your child is old enough to care for themselves (maybe around 9-10) and divorce is tenable. Most women I know in similar scenarios stuck it out until the youngest child was around that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H has severe ADHD. We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried medication. None of it works, or with the meds, it works for a bit but wears off, so we have to increase the dose to the point where the side effects are worse than the ADHD itself.

H is extremely distraught and upset, and developing an ulcer from the stress. He’s also entered a severe depression where he basically lies in bed most of the time.

I’m at a loss on what to do. Every day I worry he’ll lose his job, leave the toddler outside alone again, or any number of things. It’s to the point where if I don’t buy him food and make it for him, he just doesn’t eat or gets takeout/fast food, which he can’t afford (has taken multiple loans out because he’s bad with money).

I can’t bring myself to have sex with him anymore. There’s zero attraction on my end. I’m just not attracted to someone who is more like a small child than a partner.

He is on his phone a LOT. I e suggested he quit the phone but he says that’s not the problem and won’t.

Where do I go from here? I’m worried a divorce will cause him to spiral into a worse depression, pick up his former addictions (alcohol and weed), and it won’t be safe to leave the kids with him.

This doesn’t sound like ADHD. Is he interested in helping himself?

I agree and I have severe ADHD. He needs mental help and CBT quickly.

^^exactly. ADHD causes focus issues not abuse and depressive behavior. He needs to be comprehensively assessed by a psychiatrist. he also has to accept he has a problem and needs help and he has to want to try - all of which are unlikely. That’s why OP should just be making exit plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

So much crap armchair diagnosing from people who got their PhD in psychology from Trump University. OP, if she's not a troll, should understand that this is not "ADHD that cannot be fixed" but most likely a mix of mental conditions--which are not being effectively treated with ADHD medication

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

Wow. You know so much about our life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

This is really irritating. My husband has very complex trauma that is ongoing because his family of origin has significant untreated mental illness. He had to cope his entire life with taking care of a parent that was unwell and now has to provide elder care for that parent. Until they are gone, he is not free of this. It permeates every aspect of our life. It looks like inattentive, ADHD and depression.

If you want to call it garbage diagnosis go ahead. But it doesn’t make you less of an a hole and armchair troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

This is really irritating. My husband has very complex trauma that is ongoing because his family of origin has significant untreated mental illness. He had to cope his entire life with taking care of a parent that was unwell and now has to provide elder care for that parent. Until they are gone, he is not free of this. It permeates every aspect of our life. It looks like inattentive, ADHD and depression.

If you want to call it garbage diagnosis go ahead. But it doesn’t make you less of an a hole and armchair troll

I'm sure the OP is identical to your husband. Where did you get your medical degree?

[Anonymous]

My husband and son have inattentive ADHD and autism.

It's been a hard road, because they are pretty asocial and forget/miss a lot of deliverables and deadlines. My husband has been let go several times. What saves them is that they both have high IQs and in their field of work (or my son's field of study), they are very good. So *some* employers are willing to turn a blind eye to the executive dysfunction, in order to get the quality of analysis and critical reasoning. However, under stress, my husband can have outbursts of anger that are entirely disproportional to the event. Throwing a phone is entirely compatible with that sort of personality.

I've developed a panic attack disorder, but I recognize it's not solely due to the stress of living with these two people. I was already anxious to begin with. You need to develop mechanisms to cope with anxiety and stress, OP, because your health is paramount!

It seems like your husband has depression. He needs to be medicated for that. Please consider a divorce very carefully, because he might still get custody, and this is something to avoid at all costs. I thought many times about divorce, and custody issues were the main reason I chose not to. My husband has multiple terminal degrees, looks very good on paper, and knows to appear like a calm, soft-spoken person to the right officials.

Best of luck, OP. You need to gird yourself for the long-term. This is not going to resolve itself any time soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

This is really irritating. My husband has very complex trauma that is ongoing because his family of origin has significant untreated mental illness. He had to cope his entire life with taking care of a parent that was unwell and now has to provide elder care for that parent. Until they are gone, he is not free of this. It permeates every aspect of our life. It looks like inattentive, ADHD and depression.

If you want to call it garbage diagnosis go ahead. But it doesn’t make you less of an a hole and armchair troll

I'm sure the OP is identical to your husband. Where did you get your medical degree?

You assume a lot. And I wasn’t saying that he was the same.

Hey, next time you go to your mom’s house look in the step can in her guest bathroom… I think you left your empathy and compassion in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

This is really irritating. My husband has very complex trauma that is ongoing because his family of origin has significant untreated mental illness. He had to cope his entire life with taking care of a parent that was unwell and now has to provide elder care for that parent. Until they are gone, he is not free of this. It permeates every aspect of our life. It looks like inattentive, ADHD and depression.

If you want to call it garbage diagnosis go ahead. But it doesn’t make you less of an a hole and armchair troll

“CPTSD” is not in the DSM. I don’t doubt your DH has challenges but CPTSD is not a diagnosis. And of course if his parent had serious mental illness it is likely he does too, or a subclinical version.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has complex PTSD and having the children has triggered it. You should talk to your therapist about that.. he more than likely has anxiety, depression, and ADHD

This. My husband is similar.

Adding it in part manifest as ADHD type symptoms. I mean, I think he definitely has ADHD as well but the CPTSD exacerbates everything trauma is such a jerk

Fyi, this is kind of a garbage diagnosis. CPTSD and ADHD don’t cause this kind of behavior.

This is really irritating. My husband has very complex trauma that is ongoing because his family of origin has significant untreated mental illness. He had to cope his entire life with taking care of a parent that was unwell and now has to provide elder care for that parent. Until they are gone, he is not free of this. It permeates every aspect of our life. It looks like inattentive, ADHD and depression.

If you want to call it garbage diagnosis go ahead. But it doesn’t make you less of an a hole and armchair troll

“CPTSD” is not in the DSM. I don’t doubt your DH has challenges but CPTSD is not a diagnosis. And of course if his parent had serious mental illness it is likely he does too, or a subclinical version.

It is a diagnosis outside the US. We aren’t the sharpest tools.


I think you’re trying to be helpful, but you are misinformed. anyway this isn’t about my partner. This is about the OP and their’s. And it sounds like he also has some things that are undiagnosed.

Which doesn’t make it any easier for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband and son have inattentive ADHD and autism.

It's been a hard road, because they are pretty asocial and forget/miss a lot of deliverables and deadlines. My husband has been let go several times. What saves them is that they both have high IQs and in their field of work (or my son's field of study), they are very good. So *some* employers are willing to turn a blind eye to the executive dysfunction, in order to get the quality of analysis and critical reasoning. However, under stress, my husband can have outbursts of anger that are entirely disproportional to the event. Throwing a phone is entirely compatible with that sort of personality.

I've developed a panic attack disorder, but I recognize it's not solely due to the stress of living with these two people. I was already anxious to begin with. You need to develop mechanisms to cope with anxiety and stress, OP, because your health is paramount!

It seems like your husband has depression. He needs to be medicated for that. Please consider a divorce very carefully, because he might still get custody, and this is something to avoid at all costs. I thought many times about divorce, and custody issues were the main reason I chose not to. My husband has multiple terminal degrees, looks very good on paper, and knows to appear like a calm, soft-spoken person to the right officials.

Best of luck, OP. You need to gird yourself for the long-term. This is not going to resolve itself any time soon.

OP. Thank you for this. Yes, he is depressed and is on medication for that. Unfortunately that also doesn’t seem to help.

He is also someone who knows how to charm. To everyone else, he’s an extremely nice and attentive guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H has severe ADHD.

According to whom? When was he diagnosed?

Anonymous wrote:We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried medication. None of it works, or with the meds, it works for a bit but wears off, so we have to increase the dose to the point where the side effects are worse than the ADHD itself. H is extremely distraught and upset, and developing an ulcer from the stress. He’s also entered a severe depression where he basically lies in bed most of the time.

Do not enable this behavior. Your junkie husband seems to be playing you. He's taking stimulant meds for the high, and when the high normalizes, he's upping his dose. When that gets unmanageable, he's changing meds. That's not about the "ADHD", that's about the speed. You're gonna think I'm being mean until I tell you I know from experience. The "severe depression" is guilt and withdrawals.

Anonymous wrote:I’m at a loss on what to do.

No, you're not. And you're not a victim. Stop this.

Anonymous wrote:Every day I worry he’ll lose his job, leave the toddler outside alone again, or any number of things. It’s to the point where if I don’t buy him food and make it for him, he just doesn’t eat or gets takeout/fast food, which he can’t afford (has taken multiple loans out because he’s bad with money).

Quit enabling mediocrity. Protect your kid, yes. But the adult is an adult. Make him adult. And if you have shared finances, cut him off. If not, make sure you're not listed as a co-signed on any of these debts he's taking out to subsidize his addiction(s).

Anonymous wrote:I can’t bring myself to have sex with him anymore. There’s zero attraction on my end. I’m just not attracted to someone who is more like a small child than a partner.

Reasonable. Tell him that. It probably won't be enough for him to change, yet, but he needs to hear it. This isn't manly, it's barely boyish. Not sexy.

Anonymous wrote:He is on his phone a LOT. I e suggested he quit the phone but he says that’s not the problem and won’t.

Typical addict shit. Probably porn on there, too. If you pay for the plan, cancel it. He's at home all day. He doesn't need a cell phone because he's not going anywhere. Get him a land line if you're worried about him needing to make emergency calls. And change the wifi password while you're at it. If he wants to act like a child, treat him like one.

Anonymous wrote:Where do I go from here? I’m worried a divorce will cause him to spiral into a worse depression, pick up his former addictions (alcohol and weed), and it won’t be safe to leave the kids with him.

An addict is responsible for their addictions. Period. But this thing you're doing, where you're making excuses because he might "pick up his former addictions", oh honey... He's picked up six new ones: compulsive spending, compulsive shopping, compulsive overeating, stimulant addiction, phone/tech addiction and probably a porn addiction. You're not doing him any favors staying married "for his protection". You're enabling his bullshit.

If he's willing to spiral out into a deep do-nothing depression, he will. It's not your job to save him. Point out the obvious, don't be sucked into the manipulations, and keep yourself and your kids safe. You're responsible for you and your children, not him. Withdraw completely and let him crash, if that's what he's willing to do.

You might be surprised what he'll do when there no more you-as-safety-net to protect him from the consequences of his choices. And, to be clear, these are choices. He has agency. Let him adult.

OP. Thanks. You are right. He does try to manipulate with a lot of the “it’s a disease, if someone were throwing up you wouldn’t get upset with them for it!”

Sigh. Just disappointing. He’s put together a “plan” where he turns off his phone most of the day but I just don’t see how he’s going to stick to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband and son have inattentive ADHD and autism.

It's been a hard road, because they are pretty asocial and forget/miss a lot of deliverables and deadlines. My husband has been let go several times. What saves them is that they both have high IQs and in their field of work (or my son's field of study), they are very good. So *some* employers are willing to turn a blind eye to the executive dysfunction, in order to get the quality of analysis and critical reasoning. However, under stress, my husband can have outbursts of anger that are entirely disproportional to the event. Throwing a phone is entirely compatible with that sort of personality.

I've developed a panic attack disorder, but I recognize it's not solely due to the stress of living with these two people. I was already anxious to begin with. You need to develop mechanisms to cope with anxiety and stress, OP, because your health is paramount!

It seems like your husband has depression. He needs to be medicated for that. Please consider a divorce very carefully, because he might still get custody, and this is something to avoid at all costs. I thought many times about divorce, and custody issues were the main reason I chose not to. My husband has multiple terminal degrees, looks very good on paper, and knows to appear like a calm, soft-spoken person to the right officials.

Best of luck, OP. You need to gird yourself for the long-term. This is not going to resolve itself any time soon.

OP. Thank you for this. Yes, he is depressed and is on medication for that. Unfortunately that also doesn’t seem to help.

He is also someone who knows how to charm. To everyone else, he’s an extremely nice and attentive guy.

PP you replied to. In that case, he should check-in with his psychiatrist to tweak his meds. It seems like they are not working as they should.
Could he possibly have bipolar disorder, if you see him cycle between bouts of depression?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you with him in the first place? Serious question. It sounds like he's always had problems - were you attracted to that?

Like clock work...

Why don't people realize that people often CHANGE when life circumstance change??

ADHD, particular, is something that is exacerbated when responsibilities increase and the person doesn't have the executive functioning skills to manage the new responsibilities (bigger job, larger house that needs to be maintained, kids, etc.)